My hands shake so bad as I read Piperâs letter I can hardly read the words.
Breathe, Evan.
All the words I needed to hear are right here on this light pink paper with the faint purple butterfly in the corner. This paper came from her kitchen drawer with the wiggly knob under the coffee maker. I know because it smells like the tiny vanilla candles she keeps in that drawer. Sometimes when we sit on the back porch late at night we light those candles for ambience. Itâs a hint of home, and a flood of memories of her naked on my lap with the glow of flickering flames dancing on her skin and holy fuck, her words and the scent practically suck me into a portal and transport me right back to her and her cozy little house.
This is what I needed to help pull me out of the lingering haze Iâve been fighting to get out of for the past few weeks.
Since Iâve been in therapy, Iâve tried to look at my jumpâas Iâve appropriately nicknamed itâas a new start. A reset. I was at my lowest low, ever, when I was admitted. Thatâs pretty low considering the shit Iâve done in my life. A deep, dark hole was holding me prisoner with no hope of ever finding a way out. Humiliation, regret, and shame consumed me for not only doing what I did, but for failing so horribly at it.
And the very worst partâfor committing the ultimate betrayal to the woman I love. I promised her a future, and then I ripped it away from her in the worst way possible, along with her heart and her trust and her years of patience and unconditional love. Iâm sure for the lover left behind, suicide is the most evil form of breaking up imaginable.
I didnât see that when I was standing on the edge of the roof.
The bird convinced me she was better off without me, and that I could take care of her better from somewhere above.
Even though Iâve known for a long time the bird doesnât exist, there have been moments of exception when he broke through the wall of reality and was real.
Now with the right meds tweaking my brain, the bird is gone. I thought I would miss him, but I donât. I miss the real birdâthe tiny blue pet bird that kept me company when I was a little kid. The bird whose feather I wear. But I donât miss the bird that was in my mind that gave a voice to my illness.
I miss my ladybug. I miss her beautiful bluish-green eyes and the way her honey hair moves like silk over her thin shoulders. I miss her giggle and her smile and the way she purrs like a kitten when my hands and mouth are on her. Mostly I miss how she loves me the way I need to be loved.
Ladybug,
Your letter was like a light thrown to me in a dark tunnel. It helped me get through some of the hardest steps that I wasnât sure I could take.
Thereâs so much I want to say to you. My mind is jumbled but not in the fucked-up way it used to be. I have bouts of clarity Iâve never felt before. Words and thoughts come at me now at lightning speed. Itâs overwhelming. Before, everything was always muddy and slow. I had to dig through it all to find and understand my own thoughts. Some days, Iâm completely exhausted, but in a different way than I used to be. I feel clear and happy one day and sluggish and moody the next. The doctor says Iâll level out and things wonât always feel this way, but youâre right, a new version of me could emerge from this and I can only hope that youâll still feel the same way about me. Right now I honestly donât know whoâs living in my head.
Before I keep rambling about all sorts of shit, I love you. I love you so damn hard and Iâm so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you, or Lyric. Reece told me Lyric doesnât know what I did. I wish she would never have to know but I also think she needs to know. Iâll leave it up to you on when and how you want to tell her. You can tell her, or I can tell her, or we can tell her together. I only want her to be okay and not be hurt or scared by what Iâve done. I hope she can forgive me. Iâll spend the rest of my life showing you both how much I love you and appreciate you. Iâll never hurt either of you again. That much I do know for sure.
I know I severed our trust. I donât expect you to let that go easily and I donât want you to. We have a long road in front of us, but weâve been down long bumpy roads before and I hope we can get to the end of this one together. I canât do it without you. Please keep wearing my ring. Iâm still hoping we can get our happy ending.
I never told you I went to a regular doctor on the road and got meds for anxiety and depression and insomnia. I thought it would chill me out so I could enjoy more of our wedding and not feel so distracted in my head. I didnât know the wrong meds could make me worse. Apparently neither did he. I could feel my head getting worse but I didnât know how to stop it. So, I took more pills. I guess Ellie was right and itâs good this happened because I never knew what was wrong with me. I just thought I was different, confused, eccentric, depressed, and basically fucked up. I drank and did drugs because I didnât know how else to deal with how I felt inside or how to make it stop. Now I know whatâs wrong with me has a label. Several. Bipolar, depression, personality disorder, dissociative, hypomania. I forget the rest, but thatâs enough. My entire life I lived in this crazy abyss of emotions, voices, and confusion. I tried to exist in a world where others couldnât see or hear things the same way I did. Now I have to try to sort it all out and find who I am in this when the dust settles. Some days I worry my ass off. What if Iâm too different? What if you donât like me? What if Lyric doesnât like me? What if all my creativity is gone? What if I canât write or play guitar anymore? What if I feel like a zombie all the time? What if the bird comes back?
I want you to know that all my feelings for you were always real. Everything we shared was real. I understand you might doubt that now. You were never a part of my delusions. You were my only anchor. I always knew with you what was real and what I could trust. You saw the real me. I felt my best when I was with you.
Iâm sorry this is a rambling mess. Iâm still learning and still getting better. Iâll probably never be normal, but Iâm sure I can be more normal than I was. The doctors are helping me and theyâll keep helping me after I leave. I promise to stay in treatment and on the right meds.
Physically Iâm starting to feel better. Iâm in physical therapy and still have some lingering pain but Iâm not taking any pills for pain.
Fuck, I just ramble a lot now. I hope that gets better or Iâm going to be annoying as fucking hell. I was hoping to still write songs after I left the band but now Iâll be writing songs with ten thousand words.
Itâs time for me to go to group and share my feelings. Iâm not kidding. Iâm going to tell them I finally got up the guts to write to you. Maybe Iâll get a gold star.
I miss you, baby, so much I canât even put into words. Iâm going to call you when I feel a little less rambly and jumbled.
Thank you for not giving up on me and for always being everything I need. I hope you believe that and I hope you can someday let me show you how much I love you. I hope youâre okay and taking care of yourself. I donât want you worrying about me all the time. I want you to be happy and feel safe and loved. I still want to give you everything in the world, but for now, weâre back where we once were and all I can give you is my love.
I love you like no tomorrow,
Evan