Chapter 20: Chapter 20

AMY

Amy watched Silian and Mikhlas talk before Silian waved at her. She got up and went to him, feeling nervous spiders run up her spine.

“Still hungry? I thought we might talk,” he said.

“Starved,” she replied, and as if on cue, her stomach growled. ~It feels like something has changed between us,~ she thought as he smiled and pointed his arm out for her to come with him.

Amy stepped close and wrapped her arm in his, enjoying the feel of his toned arm next to hers. ~What does this mean? He’s different from the training room. Less intense, perhaps.~

“Nice job showing the boys dinosaurs. You’ve made friends for life,” Amy said, hoping to break the silence as they walked along the corridor.

“I think you enjoyed it too.”

“I did, but…”

“Yes?”

“You seem different.”

“I made a decision about something. It’s very freeing,” he said.

“What about?” she asked.

“Do you remember in the training room when you pressed that metal to my neck? Just before—”

“Yes.” She tried to hold in the blush.

“Do you remember what I said?”

“Something about Morkai.”

“Yes,” he said as they entered a large open canteen-type room. A few tables and chairs were set around the room. Three large machines stood at the back.

Silian went up to the middle machine and pressed a few buttons. He went to the next machine and did the same.

Amy sat down at one of the tables and watched him move, crossing her legs and trying not to think about what happened the last time they were alone together. He looked relaxed now, calm.

He came over to her with two cups. He placed one down in front of her and took a sip of his. He sat down across from her and said nothing, but his eyes explored her.

She looked away from that discerning gaze and investigated her cup, surprised to see a dark liquid whose smell was very familiar to her.

“Coffee?” she asked.

“Would you prefer something else?”

“No. It’s perfect. Thanks,” she said and took a sip. She put the cup down on the table and looked around.

This was a room she hadn’t been in yet, and she also wanted something else to look at other than the naked expression in his eyes.

She could still feel it, though, and worried that if she met his eyes, she didn’t know where it would lead.

“Why does your confidence falter when you are alone with me?” he asked after a few moments.

“What? It doesn’t,” she said, her voice betraying her.

He sat forward and leaned his elbows on the table. “Do I make you uncomfortable?”

“No. You just…You kind of scare me sometimes, that’s all,” she said and took a sip of her drink.

Silian’s face fell, and a sad look filled his eyes. ~Shit, you made him feel bad.~

“I would never hurt you, Amy,” he said, leaning back in his seat again.

“No, I know that. It’s just you come on really strong, and I’m not sure what you want from me,” she said honestly.

“What I want, I will never have,” he said, and the machine behind him made a ping. He stood and went over to it. Amy frowned at what he said.

When he came back, he placed a fresh salad in front of her, and a steak for himself.

“What is it that you want? And why would you never have it? You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who hears the word ~no~ often,” she said, sliding her plate in front of him and pulling his to her.

Silian watched her do this and smiled.

“No, I am not. But what I want is not allowed for men like me. If I had it, it would be taken away, and I would not do that to you,” he said, pulling his plate back.

He cut the steak in half and placed a piece on her plate. He scooped up some of her salad, then pushed her plate back to her.

“To me?” she asked, her mouth going dry suddenly. What did he want from her?

“Amy, there is a lot you do not know about the Realm. Things that…are not pleasant to talk about,” he said.

“I’ll never know unless you tell me,” she said.

Silian put his fork down and sat back. He crossed his arms and looked at her, that same steely stare he always gave her.

“Men of the Fleet are forbidden to have any kind of kinship. We may use women to relieve ourselves, but never more than once.

“When I moved to kiss you in the training room, I thought that was what I wanted. A night of passion, mere physical release for both of us.

“You see, any kind of lasting relationship is punishable by the female being killed. This is to avoid any outlying loyalties in the Fleet. A man with nothing to lose fights harder,” he said.

Amy swallowed the food she had in her mouth and processed the words.

“That’s insane. A man who ~has~ something to fight for fights harder. But I still don’t understand,” she said. Her suspicions were aroused, but she wanted him to say it. She didn’t want any wires crossed.

“It’s been the law for many years. And as for you…”

He sat forward. “I decided I don’t want it to be just a one-night thing with you. I think that whatever this is between us, it is different than anything I’ve ever experienced before. I like you too much.”

Amy felt her heart race again. Her cheeks grew hot and her hands sweaty. ~Note to self, Silian does not mince his words.~

“Silian, I—”

“Fear not. I will not put you in danger like that. You have nothing to worry about. I’ve decided we can be…friends,” he said, and leaned back, dropping his gaze.

~Friends? Did I really just get friend-zoned? He’s not willing to try, to explore what might happen because it risks my life? What if things were different? What if Izzy changed it?~

“Izzy can change that, soon,” she said. Silian looked up at her and raised his eyebrows.

“You would accept my offer? If things were different?” he asked, shock clear in his voice.

“What offer?”

“To be with me?” he said. Amy took a deep breath. ~Be with him? Is that his way of asking me out? Like boyfriend and girlfriend, or is this a marriage proposal?~

“What does that involve?” she asked.

Silian smiled with a twinkle in his eye. “Well, it would mean that we each commit that no other man, or woman, could make love with us. Every day…every night.”

“Just exclusivity?” she asked, suspecting there was more to the story with him. His smile faded again, and a sad look filled his eyes.

“Amy, to be honest, I have no idea what having something like that feels like.” He dropped his gaze to his plate and played with his food with his knife.

“I have never spent more than a few hours with a woman, never to see her again. But I would be lying if I said I have not thought about waking up next to you.”

“God, I’m so sorry, Silian. I had no idea.”

He looked up, and she knew the subject was done.

“Is the food not satisfactory for you?” he asked, looking at Amy’s still full plate.

“It’s great. Thanks,” Amy said looking at her food. Silian’s words ran through her head.

~What kind of rule was this that men of the Fleet were not allowed to spend more than a few hours with a woman? ~She understood the theory behind it, and Prime’s words in the training room came back to her.

~He needs to be sharp.~ This is part of what makes him so intense, but to deny a man something so profound as love was not just cruel, but unfair and inhumane.

She moved her salad around on her plate, deep in thought. She knew Silian watched her, but his eyes didn’t unsettle her so much anymore.

She understood. He wanted something he thought he could never have, and he wanted it with her. That thought sent her heart into a tailspin again. She caught him smiling from the corner of her eye and looked up.

“What?” she asked.

“Your heart. It seems to be dancing in your chest.”

“Yeah, it does that sometimes.”

“Is it because of me that you have this fear running through you? Because of what I said?”

“It’s not fear,” she said, “but…”

“But what?”

“Why me? A guy like you could have anyone he wants. Why are you so interested in me?”

“Because you are unlike anyone I have ever met.”

“I’m nothing special. I’m sure you’ve met many other women far more interesting than me,” she said, looking away again.

“Would you believe me if I told you I haven’t met that many?”

“Would you ever lie to me?” she asked, meeting his eyes.

“No.”

“Then yeah, I believe you.”

He frowned at this.

“Innocent until proven guilty. I will believe what you tell me until either you or I prove that to be misplaced trust,” she said, quoting her teacher at the academy.

“You have a very different way of looking at things.”

“Not everyone is guilty. There are always three sides to a story. Like a window. There is your view from your side. There is my view from my side. But there is always a truth in the middle.”

“The worst kind of betrayal is to learn someone you trusted has let you down. It can make you never trust anyone again.”

“True. But if you think like that, you will never have anyone you can turn to, and sometimes mistakes can be forgiven. We all make them. Who are we to judge?” she said.

Silian seemed to let that sink in for a moment.

“What if the mistake is unforgivable?” he asked.

Amy suspected that something happened to him in the past that would make him ask these questions.

“The way I see it, if someone is truly sorry for what they have done, it’s always best to take the high road, and at least listen to what they have to say,” she said.

“I already know the reasons why.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. He met her eyes, and she saw the red begin to swirl in them. As he looked at her though, the red faded, and the blue returned.

“You don’t have to,” she said with a smile, hoping to lift the dark cloud that suddenly sat over his head. “But I am a good listener, and I’ve even been known to give good advice once or twice.”

He snapped out of it and smiled at her.

“Perhaps another night. I still have a lot of work to do tonight, and the story is long,” he said, ending the topic.

He picked up a piece of meat off his plate and took a bite of it. He watched her as he chewed, but his mind was far away. She looked at her salad and took a bite.

When she took a sip of her coffee, she was pleasantly surprised it was still warm. It would have been ice-cold by now in any other situation. She smiled to herself.

“What makes you smile like that?” he asked.

“The coffee. It’s nice to feel that it stays warm here.”

“Prime,” he said, pointing up.

“Yeah, she’s a strange one.”

Silian let out a small laugh and sat forward again.

“Yes, she is, but she is the most valuable member of this crew. We would be dead many times over if not for her.”

“How does that work? What is she?”

“I am a self-conscious extension of the Alpha Primordial Sentinel Being. I live in the electronics, computers, and walls of this ship,” Prime answered.

Amy and Silian both heard the annoyed cheek in the computer’s voice. Amy raised her brows at him and they both laughed.

“Thank you, Prime,” Silian said. Amy felt more relaxed around him now. He wasn’t so scary anymore. In fact, she enjoyed his company.

“I don’t think she likes me very much,” Amy said.

“What’s not to like?”

Amy rolled her eyes at him and smiled.

“I mean, she seems to be very protective of you, and Mikhlas. Like a mama bear,” Amy said.

“My primary function is to safeguard the crew of this ship,” Prime said, her tone even more annoyed.

“Prime, cease all functions in this room,” Silian said.

“Silian, I must advise…,” Prime began.

“Prime!” he said louder and with more authority. A moment passed and the lights in the room went dim. The machines turned off and only the light of the corridor allowed her to see.

Amy couldn’t take her eyes from Silian’s. The blue in them glowed in the darkness.

“Your eyes are amazing,” she blurted. He looked away and blinked a few times.

“They get me into trouble.”

“Because they change? When you get angry?”

“Yes.”

“Is it just the blue and the red?”

“No. They turn green as well, but that only happened once.”

“What does green mean?”

“I don’t know. It was a long time ago.” He was lying. She could hear it in his voice.

“You said you would never lie to me.”

His eyes flicked to hers and stopped there. He let out a breath and began to speak.

“Green is for sadness.”

“Is it about the same thing that made you so angry earlier?” she asked.

“Yes.” He pinched his nose and shut his eyes.

“Okay,” she said simply and waited.

“I found my father many years ago. It wasn’t the reunion I expected,” he finally said.

“What do you mean, found him? Did he leave?”

“Men of the Fleet are taken from their mothers at birth. We are forbidden to seek out our family. We are raised by the academy, and those who survive become Fleet officers.

“We are not allowed to have children, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen sometimes. My father was an officer. He enjoyed the company of a woman one night and she fell pregnant with me.

“I was taken away a few days after birth, like everyone is, and given to the academy.”

Silian rubbed a finger against the tabletop, eyes lost to the past.

“He served as our captain for a year. Prime did mandatory physical scans on us and the DNA came back as a match. She wasn’t supposed to tell me, but I found out anyway.

“I told our captain what I knew, expecting...I don’t know what I expected, but I was lucky I didn’t die that day. He had me punished for a month. A month of being beaten, tortured…” He stopped.

She heard him take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“That was the only time I ever saw green in my eyes. It wasn’t long after that, the King forced every Fleet officer to become sterile. He gave an order for Prime to take away the breeding rights of every man in the army,” he said.

Amy blinked and felt a tear run down her face. ~I’ve never heard anything so cruel.~

“I’m sorry, Silian. I had no idea you had such a shitty childhood.”

“It wasn’t so bad.”

“How’s that?”

“I survived. Many didn’t.”

Amy wiped her face. She must look crazy to him, but in all honesty, she grew up a bit like that herself. What he said to her stirred up feelings she’d thought were long gone.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.

She waved it away. “No, you didn’t. What you said kind of hit home for me, that’s all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He used her own words on her.

She pulled in a deep breath. He told her, so it was only fair to tell him. Besides, she had gone over it so many times in therapy that it shouldn’t be that hard.

“My early years were not so great, either. Nothing as bad as yours, but still shitty in their own unique way.”

“Tell me,” he said. She looked at the two blue gems shining at her from across the table.

“Well, when I was younger, I had a twin sister. Anna. My father was an abusive drunk who beat the crap out of us and our mom. He got drunk one night and broke my arm.

“My mom took me to the hospital and the doctor kept me overnight. It’s the only reason I’m here today.”

“What happened?”

“He killed my mother and my sister and then killed himself,” she said. The thought of that night ripped the old wounds open again.

“Why would he do that?” Silian asked.

“I don’t know. No one does. He just snapped.”

“How old were you?”

“Seven.”

“There’s more, isn’t there?” he said.

As bad as that part was, it wasn’t even the worst of it. Amy didn’t like dredging up this part of her life. She’d spent a lot of money and hours on a couch getting over it.

She nodded. “After that happened, I was moved to a foster home—”

“What is that?”

“A foster home? It’s a place kids go who don’t have a family to look after them. It’s supposed to be a safe place, with a family that cares for you, until you’re old enough to fend for yourself.”

“Is it not like that?”

“Far from it. The first foster home I went to, the woman that looked after us was a mean old bitch. She hated kids, but loved the money she got for looking after us.

“I wasn’t there long, and then I got moved to the Kirkman family home. The only nice thing about that place was the massive field in the backyard. It made for good hiding places when Mr. Kirkman came home drunk.

“After my ninth birthday, Mrs. Kirkman died, and he got rid of all the kids.” She stopped to take a sip and clear her throat.

“What happened next?”

“I spent four years with Joan. She was nice. She loved kids, and as poor as she was, she always tried to do the best she could for us. But, when she got married and fell pregnant, they sent all the kids back.

“A year in public housing, and I went to Travis MacMillan’s house. I was fourteen, and just the right age for Mr. MacMillan. He liked young girls. There were three of us living there…”

Amy stopped. The anger she felt inside at that man went all the way down to her soul. She stood up and went over to the window.

She didn’t want Silian to see the tears running down her face. He stood up and walked over to her. He didn’t touch her, but she felt him behind her.

“Continue,” he said softly.

“I don’t want to,” she said. This had been the worst time in her life. It still hurt every time she spoke about it.

“Very well. When you do, I will be ready to listen.”

“Thanks.” She gave a weak smile and pulled in a deep, ragged breath. He still stood behind her, not moving, his blue eyes reflecting in the glass in front of her.

“Despite everything, Earth isn’t the worst place to live,” she said, hoping to change the subject.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, there’s pizza for one…And there are a lot of good people out there, like Izzy. A lot of really shitty ones too.”

As hard as she tried to lighten the mood, her mind felt dark, and coming back from that usually involved a lot of tequila.

“There are... shitty... people everywhere. That is not something that is unique to the human race, I assure you,” he said.

She smiled at that. Someone once said the Universe is constant. Deep down things are always the same, just in a different packaging. She turned to him and looked him in the eyes.

“Thanks. You’re not as bad as I thought.”

“I haven’t shown you bad yet,” he said with a smile she could see, even in the dark. ~He just doesn’t give up, does he?~ she thought.

“Oh, I have no doubt about that.” She smiled back.

“I must go to the bridge. Mikhlas and I still have a lot of work to do for the next jump.”

“Yeah. I need to sleep. Good night, Silian.”

“Good night.” He smiled and walked out.

Amy watched as he turned the corner and smiled wide to herself. A jittery feeling filled her gut again. She felt tired, and her head pounded. Just revealing that to someone else made her feel worn out.

She walked back to her room and didn’t bother stripping off. She lay down on her bed and looked out the window at the stars beyond.

~That asshole got what he deserved. I wonder if anyone will ever find McMillan’s body.~