You think with time the horrifying sounds of pleads and cries would become a part of your brain. The hatred, dirty looks, curses of all the lives you've taken, like a shadow following you around, but this kind would only let itself known at night when no lights were present and the darkness swallowed you whole for the hours to come.
And without a doubt, that's how it was, at least until a certain moment occurred. No one knew when, but it happened, and you snapped.
Everyone did.
No more shadows, instead an empty heart, and an empty mind. You take those lives and continue on your day, a cold shower, simple dinner, and the most important part, to never think about what you've done. The second you do, the second you allow your heart and its conscience to enter your mind, you are done.
"Please! Please! I have a family. I beg you don't make me leave!" the man wept through the waterfall of tears and snorts dangling from his nostrils. His broken voice, the promises he made to fix his mistakes, everything to save his lifeâto stay with them.
I looked their way, a woman and two children hidden underneath her long dark coat, she had this perfect mix of spite and fear that I learned to accept.
"Fulfill your sentence before the reinforcement arrives and your family might just be spared," I told the man with a stern, yet shaky heart.
A glimpse of hope, reassurance he needed as he knelt on his kneesâhis family screamedâsingle bullet ending his life. I didn't flinch, however with every shot my soul crumbled, and that pained me.
"What have you done?!" his wife's agonizing scream made me look their way.
Children were pushed to the side as she ran towards the dead man. She embraced him so gently, even though he couldn't feel anything, she showered him with such love and care; envy blooming inside my heart. Suddenly she looked at me, and again this fierce powerful expression. "No star will shine upon your death. You're done," she spat at me.
Wiping off the saliva, I dropped my gun in surrender. "Take your kids and leave, you have ten minutes of a universal time to escape towards the train. I saw your data, you are a legal resident of another planet. Flee there now."
"Fuck you! I curse you!"
Grimacing, the time was not to be wasted. I gave her a choice, but she hasn't used it. Instead cried over the lifeless body of her husband and waited till the reinforcements arrived and placed a bullet in her and her children's faces.
"Number 057, why haven't you reported sooner," the solder dared to questionâhis emotionless tone a habit I began to pick upâanother thing to despise about myself.
"Why were you behind is the question you should be asking yourself. Fucking useless," I scoffed and walked off towards the ship.
On the way back my attention has been caught by a tiny hand poking from between the rocks. Quickly scanning the soldiers, they were too busy cleaning up the mess to notice. Sneaking away from the ship I made my way towards it. Peeking through the gap only to be met with a pair of dark eyes.
"Hello," I tried to maintain a low and calming tone.
The little girl fought off the screams, but too afraid she was to break I sealed her lips with my fingers. She was shivering in her raggedy clothes covered by the sand and dirt. She must have been their daughter. Taking a seat next to the little girl we waited till the soldiers left.
"Let's play a game," I proposed in an attempt of calming the child.
She wasn't too interested until I grabbed my little pouch and took out the marbles. She glanced at them in awe, trying to reach out. "Wh..waat ale these?" she asked, her childish voice so adorable.
"You like them?" I chuckled, admiring the marbles myself. "Star marbles, they hold a real star inside of them," I explained.
Her eyes shined. "A stal?!" she yelped, now fully captivated.
Giving her a nod, I carefully placed one of them on her little chubby hand. "Legend says those marbles will guide you through life, protect like a guardian."
She poked it gently, afraid to break it, even though no amount of strength could possibly do so. It was amusing, children were so innocent and curious.
"You can take it," I said while pointing at the marble in her hand.
She observed me baffled before questioning, "But... alen't I going to die?"
My stomach dropped. With a broken smile, I closed her hand so she had no choice but to hold onto it.
"No, why would you think so? I will take you somewhere safe, okay?" I assured with a forced smile.
Her eyes were in the color of a night sky, sparkling with stars. Smiling at her, I turned around to see no more soldiersâthey were gone. Now, the train. Getting up from the ground I helped her onto her feet and pointed forward.
"Let's go."
With a wide smile, she ran in front of me, playfully jumping around and observing the marble.
That's when I felt his presence. A millisecond, that's how quick I had to be in order to beat him.
Pulling my gun, I shot the back of her head. The sound of the tiny body hitting the sand took yet another piece of my soul. Everything happened in a matter of seconds, yet the sight was to never leave my mind.
"FUCK!" I screamed, pointing my gun at the biggest nuisance in my life. "Why?! Why couldn't you just let this one slide? Fuck you!" I hissed angrily.
Playfullyâto him it was a gameâhe raised his hands and amusingly waved around with his gun. "You were the one who killed her and her family. Stop making a fuss."
"Dickhead," I spat. "We both know you would make her suffer. I would never allow that. The soldiers left! She could have lived!"
The sound of his tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth pissed me off even further.
"Elina deary, I'm simply taking care of you. What would the administration do if they ever found out what you've done? Come on now, we can't let you die so pitifully."
"Begone before I skin you alive," I threatened and picked the tiny body from the ground. Ensuring the marble was still in her hand. Burying her at the peak of the hill. The view of the horizon has blessed my unworthy eyes.
Each planet was special, but this one was beyond anything I've ever seen. An intergalactic sky filled with life; stars, planets, ships, and vehicles of a different kind, touching the sandy ground.
Burying the child, I allowed her to keep the marble. "May the stars protect you and guide your soul," I said with full respect before covering her up.
Once back at the Pentagon I pushed through the narrow hallway of the ship, straight towards my cabin. Closing the door with furious strength I ripped the clothes off my body and rushed under the shower. Staring at the blood, not mine, but that of an innocent child as it slowly went down my leg, only to mix itself with the cold water and disappear down the drain.
Closing my eyes, I repeated continuously. Don't think, don't think. But how could I not when more lives have been taken? Washing off my sins I brushed my long golden hair while looking into the eyes of a monster.
Walking off naked I went towards my bed where the clean clothes were already awaiting my arrival. Getting dressed, I sighed and hid the marbles underneath the carpet just behind the drawer. Any personal belongings were strictly prohibited and punished by the pit, which many have said was far worse than death.
Taking the elevator towards the lower level of the ship, I passed the other students on my way to the canteen. Some of them greeted me shyly, some more excessively, the point was, those fools had no idea what awaited them at the top. Treating me like some sort of Goddess, unaware of what such title carried.
Once you've made it into the military ranks, you were sent on missions to catch 'criminals'. The word itself was so broad and held so many different definitions, it wasn't hard to figure not every person deserved death, nor the treatment they've received when spared. Intergalactic military rules were ruthless, that's what I got to learn from a very young age.
"Elina!" Cassandra's squeaky voice shouting my name. Turning around I watched her approach me with haste. "Thâ" She caught a quick breather before continuing, "The same thing, please! Help..."
Groaning I grew irritated by the continuous bullshit happening during my absence. Those fools thought they could do whatever they wanted whenever I was gone from the ship's ground.
Following Cassandra, we entered the bibliotheca, a massive room filled to its core with books from every possible planet. Walking between the large shelves that reached up to the third floor, we finally stood in front of the reoccurring issue.
"Enough!" I warned, a bunch of students noticing my presence and running away.
"Yeah! You run, you weak idiots!" Cassandra yelled after them and I only shook my head at her behavior.
Slowly walking up to my friend I stood in front of her with sorrowful eyes. "Get up Washu, they are gone," I calmly informed.
Her pout only caused the cut on her upper lip to bleed stronger. "Whatever," she grumbled before trying to get up on her feet. Cassandra wanted to help her but got pushed away in return.
Sighing I could tell this time wasn't like the others, my friend was losing her patience, no more brushing it off with a joke or a smile. Instead, anger crept into her heart beginning to corrupt her kindness.
"Not even a hug?" I stopped her from leaving. "It's been a while," pointing out the obvious might have not been the best idea, but I missed my friend.
For the first time in my life, Washu's eyes resembled my own. I knew that look because I was sentenced to a lifetime of staring at it in the mirror. "Don't..." I said almost beggingly, not having the strength to deal with it as of now.
"Girls, let's take it easy huh? Come on you missed Elina! You spoke about her every day! Let's all get along and eat our dinner. Okay?"
Observing my friend's thick brown brows as those furrowed together, it didn't suit her. In all honesty, I couldn't help, but begin to laugh hysterically. Both of them looked at me like I've gone insane.
"What?" my best friend finally muttered, bothered by my behavior.
"Sorry!" Composing myself, I held my stomach trying to catch a break. "You reminded me of an angry monkeyâ I couldn't stop myself from picturing it! Suited you so well," I laughed further and she threw herself at me beginning to mess my perfectly straight hair.
"I'm a very furious monkey so don't push it!" she threatened, but by the sound of her voice, I could tell she was going back to her usual self.
"Fine, fine," I condensed defeated, and suddenly her angry 'attacks' turned into a deep hug.
I didn't like it, closure made me uncomfortable, but for her, I would take it at any time for as long as she required. Why? Well... because she was the only person to whom I entrusted the last piece of my heart. She was my sanity and had to remain pure of heart in order to not corrupt mine.
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