The Secure Security Office

He opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Opened it again, his cheeks mottled red.

“I…” He sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve. The tears burst again, sweeping down his cheeks as he slumped to the floor with his hands limp in his lap.

You might feel sorry for him.

I didn’t. It was a Head Librarian’s job to maintain a proper inventory.

“Head Librarian?”

“Get out of my library,” he hissed. “Out! Get out!”

I strode towards where the Security Office was about to appear, Enid scuttling to catch up. She looked lost for words. I was sure once she had time to think about things, she’d feel just as satisfied as I was with the result.

“Honestly,” I sighed, pausing as I passed the aisle where he lurked like a mook. “I worked hard to cull all that dross for you. You could at least show a little gratitude.”

“Get OUT!”

I couldn’t help but to leave him with a cackle.

And not just a little cackle. One which came deep from inside my belly.

Honestly, I hadn’t cackled this hard since the time I visited the Thieves Guild after they tried breaking into my tower.

Ah, those were some good memories.

I was deeply pleased with my efforts to improve the quality of the Mage Guild’s Library by disposing of its useless volumes so they didn’t distract my pretty guests when they returned to the Guild for study.

I felt that, in the future, the Library would grow and, with any luck, be a vast improvement over what had been there before.

And if it didn’t?

Well, I could always return.

“That… That was a little bit cruel, don’t you think?” Enid asked.

“Was it? How so?”

“McGoggins might be a bit of a prat, but he loves his books,” she said. “They’re like children to him.”

“Ugh,” I scowled as two students sprinted past. “I’m not sure how anyone could love the little blighters.”

“You know what I mean, Taran.”

“I understand your point, Enid,” I said, shrugging. “But I think the actual children should matter more, don’t you? Students come here from all over the world hoping to find their life’s meaning here. Instead, they find they’ve been charged ridiculous sums to access knowledge they could easily access in Magic for Morons which they can purchase from any bookshop for a tenth of the cost of a single textbook required for any one of your classes. This is the Mage Guild, Enid. It should damn well behave like one.”

“Please don’t tell me you did it for the children, Taran,” she said owlishly. “You did it for yourself. You knew he couldn’t hurt you, and you pretended you were struggling just to encourage him to unload the whole Library on you. You’re a bully. That’s all.”

I spun on her, outraged by the suggestion.

Intimidating old ladies wasn’t something I made a habit of, but I certainly wasn’t going to let one accuse me of being a petty-minded mook.

“Imagine this, Enid,” I hissed. “An entity your mind can’t even begin to fathom, approaches you and rescues you from the terror of a physically abusive family when you are only 5-years old! Imagine being dragged into a realm where chaos strips the sanity from your mind. Imagine the overwhelming horror of being babysat by Shoggoths. Their patience is slim, you know. Imagine being flung onto the streets after three years of having your brain torn apart and then put back together every day. Imagine your desperation as you seek to understand what has happened to you and how to save yourself from the crippling effects of actually touching the void!”

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“I-”

“I’m not finished!” I snapped. “Imagine coming to the one place in the entire world which claims to know more about magic than anyone else. And then imagine discovering everything they know about what’s happening to you can be found in a picture book aimed at toddlers! And that their promises of higher learning are just hooks meant to catch every coin you can toil for!”

“Okay, I-”

“I was 12-years old when I broke into the Forbidden Section, Enid. A frightened child hearing the whispers of an Elder God in his head and not knowing if anything was real!”

“The Headmaster-”

“Demanded I pay an additional 500 gold to access his own personal library.”

“Oh.”

“So I broke into his rooms. And do you want to know what I found, Enid Squelch?”

“I’m not sure-”

“Several volumes of economics books dealing with pyramid schemes, half a shelf of grimoires devoted to Sex Magic, and a copy of the latest guidebook to the Empire’s best brothels!” I roared. “THAT is what I found.”

“So, the Guild let you down. It doesn’t mean that it’s all bad.”

“How healthy would you be with a poisoned heart, Enid?” I stomped onward, pausing in front of where the Security Office should arrive any second.

Creeping up beside me, she sighed. “The void is that bad?”

“No,” I said. “It’s a lot worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Enid,” I told her, feeling a little calmer. “I don’t blame you for what the Guild was, or even what it is. I blame the Headmaster for that.”

“Which one?” She asked drily. “We’ve had three in the last decade.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Wait.” She looked up at me, her mouth dropping open. “How many times have you been here?”

“Three times,” I growled as the Security Office blurred and then solidified in front of us. “Come along.”

The Security office was a pale white room with two desks, a row of chairs to sit and wait in, and a wall of filing cabinets behind the desks. On one desk was a stack of papers.

On the other, a vase of flowers.

Behind us, the door closed with a click and I felt the room lurch as it whipped away towards its next location. With us inside.

And no one else.

“Where is the Receptionist?” I asked, glaring at the empty desk. “They should be here to give out my pass.”

“Hello, Taran,” a voice said gently. It seemed to be coming from the walls. So, a sound projection.

It sounded calm, but there was a sharp edge to it. And humour.

Whoever it was, they were so full of happiness that they were bursting to let me know all about it. But, probably due to bureaucratic requirements, they were trying to maintain a level of professionalism which didn’t suit their mood.

“Who are you?”

“I’m the one you came to see.”

“Ah. The Headmaster,” I said, pulling out a little slip of paper with my list of grievances on it. “Excellent. We have a few things to discuss, you and I. I’d like to make it quick if you don’t mind. I have a lunch to get back to.”

“I don’t think you quite understand your situation,” the Headmaster said in a tone I wasn’t sure I liked very much. It was a little too happy to see me. “Please allow me to explain it to you.”

I didn’t see any harm in that. “Alright.”

“You’re currently standing in the Security Office.”

“Headmaster, if you’re going to point out the painfully obvious, I’m going to get very bored very quickly.”

There was a brief pause. And when he started speaking again, he sounded a bit sour. “The Security Room was, as you know, on an automated schedule.”

“Which is very lazy of you.”

“No it’s not!” The voice paused again. Then returned calmly; “This was done deliberately. It allowed you to find your way to it without too much difficulty. Although, we hadn’t expected you to damage the Library as you did…”

“You’re welcome.”

“That wasn’t-” I could hear him grind his teeth. I don’t know why. If anyone should feel impatient, it ought to be me. “That aside, you are here now. So, I’ve lifted the automation.”

“Jolly good,” I said, approving.

“And instead removed the Destination entirely.”

“Hmm.”

“I see you understand.”

“I do.”

“I don’t,” Enid said.

“It means we’re going nowhere,” I told her. “Doomed to spend eternity drifting in the liminal space between rooms.”

“Yes,” The Headmaster let out an ugly chuckle. “Exactly. And I don’t think I’m ever going to give this room a Destination, Taran. I’ll let you sit in there until you die!”

Enid put a hand up. “What about me?”

“The Emperor will thank you for your sacrifice, Miss Squelch.”

“This is about me always beating you in duels when we were students, isn’t it?”

“No!” The Headmaster’s protest sounded a bit too forceful. “You shouldn’t have been with him to start with. You’ve only got yourself to blame.”

“It wasn’t my choice, Henry,” she snapped. “He kidnapped me!”

“I’m deeply sorry, Miss Squelch,” he purred. “Truly, I am. But I’m afraid that some sacrifices must be made. Taran is a void mage. His very existence threatens the Empire. Now, I’m composing a letter to the Emperor, and I’m sure he’ll be most appreciative. They might even build a monument to you, you know.”

Enid stamped a foot. “You know where you can stick your monument, Henry?”

“What about me?” I asked. “Will I get one?”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” the Headmaster muttered. “Although, I am considering having a little bust of you made so I can put it in my lavatory to have something to aim at while pissing. Will that be good enough for you?”

“You know, I don’t quite know what to say to that,” I winced. “Except it’s actually rather weird. Have you thought of getting therapy?”

“Yes, well.” He sounded a little ashamed of himself. As he should be. Those sorts of kinks shouldn’t really be discussed in polite company. “I think that’s all we have to say to each other. If you don’t mind, I’m very busy, so I’ll leave you both to get better acquainted with your new home.”

There was a little burst of static. Then silence.

I looked at Enid.

She looked back at me.

“Well,” I said. “This is a bit of a pickle, isn’t it?”