Pacing in hospital waiting rooms was becoming Rei's default. Diego sat in one of the ungodly orange waiting room chairs, knee bouncing on the floor. It was just the two of them. Sébastien's parents were halfway across the country and Diego hadn't called them. Not yet. There was nothing they could do from Iowa and everything was uncertain. Once the chest tube had been inserted, they would know more.
He was lucky, the doctors said when they first arrived. Sébastien fell well, an expert at hitting the ground. For someone else, the trauma would've been much worse.
"You should get something to eat. A coffee. Some fresh air," Rei suggested, pausing in front of Diego. He gave her an appraising look, the kind that informed her that Diego knew she was up to something. He was not wrong, but Rei didn't say anything more.
"What about you?" he asked, crossing his arms. He reminded her distinctly of a nightclub bouncer.
"I'll take a tea. Black. And the soup of the day," Rei replied.
Diego rose, certainly because he did need caffeine and sustenance. Rei did too. In the whirlwind day, she had lost count of the hours since her last meal, probably the breakfast she cooked in Diego's apartment. That morning had been a lifetime ago. Rei felt as though she ought to be unearthing it details of it in an excavation, digging up the coffee maker and pull-out couch, relics of the past.
As soon as Diego slipped out of sight, Rei discretely arranged for all of Sébastien's expenses to be billed to her credit card, including a private room on an upper floor. Surely burglary did not come with a good health insurance plan.
With that taken care of, Rei finally sat still, eating quietly with Diego when he came back.
Rei stayed until a nurse politely passed along that Sébastien was stable and could take visitors. That was when Rei finally, quietly left the hospital and drove home while the sun rose to backlight the skyline.
***
There were plenty of good excuses for why Rei had not visited sooner. As soon as she got home, she slept a solid 14 straight hours, exhausted to her core. Then, there was the shower she took, longer than any she'd ever had in her life, including the first after returning from an expedition involving a three day hike to and from site. After that, there was the matter of calling all of Angelo's contracts to inform them of his passing. Then she called the funeral home to discuss wishes that Angelo already had on paper. For a while, she even considered writing an elegant obituary, but gave up on it halfway through in favor of visiting her boss at the museum who tactfully suggested she take an extended break. Rei wondered vaguely if she would've been fired if not for her sizable donation. If the museum had chosen that course of action, Rei wouldn't have blamed them.
So, those were her excuses. They were good excuses, involving self-care and owning up to her responsibilities. But they were not the real reasons it took her so long.
In the hospital gift shop, Rei stretched out what little time she could use to postpone her visit. The smell of flowers was too much, the bouquets too fragrant for such a small space.
How was she supposed to face Sébastien after she very nearly got him killed? He could have collapsed a lung. He could have internally bled to death. Diego was right. That was on her.
She stared at the arrangements of carnations and roses, none of them catching her eye. Nor did any of the gift cards on the spinning carousel of Hallmark's best. Rei toyed uneasily with her hair, still unsure that the loose bun she pulled it into was the right choice. Did she look alright? She pulled her sweater tighter around her, trying to look hospital appropriate. Putting herself together in the morning had been yet another exercise in biding time, fretting over shoes and tops.
Agitated, Rei finally chose a garish mylar get well soon! balloon and hurried out of the giftshop to the elevator. The smiley face on it more maniacal the more she looked at it. It did not help her work up courage. It only solved an urge to not turn up empty handed which, on further reflection, was likely the much better option.
She closed her eyes the entire elevator ride, just to avoid looking at the balloon. It absorbed all her regret. Every bad decision she'd made in the past month was represented in one idiotic, obnoxiously yellow balloon.
The doors slid open and Rei pushed down the nervous urge to charge right out and right into a stairwell back downstairs. Instead, she stepped out, continuing down the hall until she heard the labored laughter from the end of the hall.
"Cut it out. You're going to put me into cardiac arrest," Sébastien wheezed as Rei leaned into the room. "Look! That's my heartrate!"
"I'm just saying," Diego replied, "that's the best damn ensemble you've worn all week."
Diego caught sight of her first. Observant Sébastien immediately followed Diego's gaze. Rei gently closed the door behind her. If she put a barrier between them and the hall, it was easier to pretend it wasn't a hospital room at all. The wood floor and cabinetry differentiated it from the room on lower floors. The couch under the window was still too boxy and stiff for it to resemble a home, but it was cozier. Warmer. Less antiseptic.
"You didn't have to do this," Sébastien said, gesturing to the room et al.
Diego, making himself comfortable on the couch, shook his head. "I disagree. That balloon, though..."
Rei grimaced. "I panicked."
"She panics and she buys a balloon," Diego said conspiratorially to Sébastien, as if Rei couldn't hear him. She released it, letting it float into the ceiling.
The room was the least she could do. Everything was the least she could do. How did she make up for very nearly ruining Sébastien's entire life? It would take more than a balloon and a private hospital room. Rei pulled up a chair, hoping to inch her way toward learning what it would take. She could know him and in knowing him, learn how to repent.
"I'm serious. I can handle a few nights sharing a curtain with, like, some poor kid who's had their tonsils taken out," Sébastien insisted, "I mean, I think I can see your house from here."
Rei feigned thoughtfulness, glancing out the window to Hillside towering atop its namesake topography. "Not mine for long. I'm selling."
"What?"
"Deed that to Baz," Diego interjected.
Sébastien made a face. "What would I do with a penthouse apartment?"
If anything, the banter proved Sébastien would recover fine. A sense of humor could not be so easily broken.
"You can have it if you want it," Rei said.
"No, I'm happy where I am," Sébastien replied. This time, Rei didn't doubt that possibility. The quaint warehouse was distilled to important things, not cluttered with objects kept for company. "Why sell?"
"Downsizing. An archaeologist with a few assets should be able to make perfectly livable wage, if she decides not to keep extravagant penthouses for no particular reason."
"Well, your doorman does hate me, so I guess I don't mind."
"I'm flattered you'd still consider visiting," Rei said, "after I very nearly got you killed."
He flushed, carmine rushing up his neck in such a delightfully flustered way, Rei thought she might blush in return.
"I'm not dead."
"Clearly."
The pause hung in the air, convincing Rei it would be tangible if only she reached out to touch it. Part of her mourned their plan to run away to France. He didn't need her anymore. Rei was no golden ticket to freedom, nor was she a golden ticket to anything else.
"Anyway... I hope now you have a chance to resume your normal life, sans blackmail, et cetera..." Rei waved a hand vaguely, as if that would indicate all the ways she and her family had turned his life upside down. One flick of her wrist and she banished it all away.
"Et cetera?" Sébastien repeated mechanically.
Rei took a deep breath. She had rehearsed this, in a mirror. Circumstances as they were, it was best if she left him to recover while she took some time to focus on managing Angelo's estate.
Selfishness was a trait Rei desperately wanted to banish from herself. Charitable donation was an empty, feel-good gesture. Yes, yes. It would fund cancer research and museum programs (and the repair of a particular wing...), but it required little to no change on Rei's part. Her character needn't alter, yet she could pat herself on the back. Hurrah. Congratulations on throwing money at problems until satisfied.
She wanted Sébastien as a comfort next to her when she faced up to the media to announce that, no, she hadn't been kidnapped as popularly thought. No insidious plot necessary, just shallow running away. She wanted Sébastien next to her when reporters asked about her brother and the the plummeting stocks of Sundial.
Rei wanted that, but was it at Sébastien's expense? Diego warned her that Sébastien might very well do whatever was asked about him, forgetting to input his own feelings into the equation. However desperate for support, Rei couldn't allow herself to be the puppet master.
"What I mean is... I have caused you a great deal of trouble and don't wish to cause any more..." She winced at her own tone. "I'm very glad you don't have to give up your home on my account. I would've very much liked to travel with you."
It belonged in a fantasy. Her perfect vision, an old Hollywood narrative of fleeing the law. It deserved to remain in a different realm, the one where she insisted she did not need to be an adult.
Sébastien was too vividly real to fit into fantasy. He was as messy and complex as anyone else and deserved better from Rei. Giving into her whims had, in the past, only led her to lonely isolation. Desire could not be trusted, not when she had responsibilities to face.
"I am very capable of causing trouble all on my own," Sébastien argued, sitting up in the hospital bed.
Rei hadn't really accounted for argument. She faltered.
Diego stood up. "I'm just gonna grab a magazine or something." He couldn't be more transparent in that lie, but no one protested. He slipped by Rei, giving her a fleeting, assessing look. Then she and Sébastien were alone.
"Rei, what are you doing?" he asked.
"The timing..." It was a half-hearted argument, largely because only half of Rei's heart was in it.
"The timing?" Sébastien repeated. He had to stop doing that, mimicking her words back to her. They sounded so unconvincing coming out of his mouth. "That's what I thought three years ago."
Rei sunk. Maybe she was doomed to almost be with Sébastien. They would just be near-misses. Bittersweet. Or maybe there would be a right time, some other time. After he had healed and Rei had gotten a handle on her life.
"There is a lot going on right now," Rei said. At least that was something that Sébastien couldn't argue.
"And there's no one else who knows the full story," Sébastien said.
"I don't want to drag you down any more than I already have," Rei said, standing. "I'm sorry. I have to go. Lawyers and meetings..."
Perhaps it was cheating to leave while he was trapped, attached to monitors and drainage tubes. It was easier that way. Her resolve was too weak to stand up to scrutiny.
And, after all, making awkward disappearances was Rei's strong suit.