Chapter 6-teardrops.

"Just because I carry it all so well doesn't mean it's not heavy."

I get to the door of her apartment and I unlock the door letting myself in. I enter abbies apartment to hear laughter and talking.

does she talk to herself too?

It's okay it's completely normal.

Abbie gave me a key a while back and i sometimes like to just come in. She doesn't mind I think, well she's never said anything so whatever.

I make my way down the little hallway to find Abbie and our co workers on the couch.

Okay then.

It smells horrible in here. I'm glad my aunt told me not to move in with her I mean I love my friend but wow the odor is worse than when buddy has diarrhea.

Hesitantly I walk towards them to make myself known and maybe join them.

I need more friends why not! I mean Jake, josh and Damian are great but wouldn't it be fun to have a big group of friends? Heck yes.

"Hey" I greet looking around the room examining everyone.

Just making sure I can take them on. Which I totally can.

I'm nervous. I shouldn't be I can easily whoop someone's butt.

"Hey bitch" one girl responds. I don't even know her but she seems fun. We're going to be friends, she might not like me very much now but I'm sure we'll be good friends eventually.

hopefully.

"Hello I'm Rosaline but you can call me Rose" maybe if I introduce myself we can all be friends and they'll include me in the next hang out time.

They all take turns looking at eachother then me. Odd. Then one guy hands me a cigarette, weirdo.

I look at it and immediately shake my head "no thank you" he smirks and puts it to his lip shrugging one shoulder.

that thing is nasty. Personally it's not for me neither is alcohol I mean how do people like it? First off I swore I would never touch into that because of an uh incident and also I don't think it's that great.

They then all laugh at me. "Why not" that guy turns back to me. A sly smile on his face.

he's fixing to have a bloody nose with that look. Ew.

I smile my be nice or I'll drop kick you smile and shrug. "Oh I'm trying to quit" I brag taking a good look around the room.

Don't smoke kids. You don't want to be a cracky or a pothead or a meth addict Or I don't know a creeper!

Abbie gets up and i prepare myself because she always gets them good with her b word act. Oh yea she's going to tell them.

"Cmon stop being a goody goody just hit it once"

I'm beyond shocked. She knows why I would never do drugs or drink. Why is she being so mean? She didn't tell them, she told me! Fricking b word.

Did I do something?

Is she still upset I woke her up last week with Harry styles blasting on the television? Or that I ate her cookie 2 days ago?I apologized many times. And bought her a new pack. I even made her brownies.

We need to talk I decide.

But not in front of these people lord knows I won't get a word out with their judgy eyes.

"Can we talk in private?" I whisper to her hoping she agrees.

she rolls her eyes once again and stands straight in front of me.

"Stop being such a good girl Rose this is why everyone leaves you, you act so perfect but your just a little broken bitch who's parents barely stand her and couldn't wait to get rid of"

My eyes widen and some weird liquid hits my eyes. I didn't know she felt this way about me. I suspected something at first because she barely texted back but she always assured me i was being crazy.

"Just leave okay I made new friends I don't need you like everyone I found people better than you and if you think about leaving with your new mans I suggest you think again once they find someone better they'll leave too just like your ex bestfriend, like your brother, like your parents and like your grandma."

She's lucky The weird liquid is making my eyes blurry or I would've got her good.

I do what sounds like the best option I leave but not before going to her guest bedroom to grab some of my things I leave when I stay here.

She's definitely not getting any cookies from me any time soon. Or brownies. Or cupcakes.

I get the last things my purse and prescription pills from the kitchen counter then quickly leave my key on the bed and rush out the door.

Why am I like this? I can't do anything right it's my fault she's mad. I'm never going to be good enough.

No she's jelly because she doesn't have an amazing dog like buddy who likes to eat trash.

He's not weird he just likes to make this world a better place by disposing of the trash himself.

Such a good doggy in my opinion.

I'm trying to convince myself I'm okay but in reality I'm not. And I know that but I don't want to admit it just yet. I walk to my car with questions running through my head.

What's wrong with me? Is it how I look? How I am?do I need to change?

I drive around listening to music trying to control my sobs. I sound and look ugly when I cry. No wonder no one likes being around me.

I come up with a plan to blast hype music to help me feel better so I play good 4 you. But after my sobs interrupted most of the lyrics I put the volume down and just think.

She was my best friend. The one person I thought would always love and get me yes she wasn't very nice sometimes but she stuck around. I mean I thought we'd always stick together.

I guess not.

I turn the music back up and try distracting myself by singing along to the music.

But my thoughts just keep breaking through.

I'm alone. I have no one. I want coffee. I need to pee.

I'm a bad b word.

Maybe I just need to stick to myself. And buddy of course he can't leave me. Who else will feed him pizza?

I find a park since I don't want to go home. It's just extra lonely and right now I need a small distraction so I'm driving around the park with music all the way up blasting.

I end up parking when it's gets pretty dark out. I usually hate being out in the dark it's quite frightening. You never know if a random person is going to pop up and try to murder you.

let them try I have my taser and pepper-spray.

that does serious damage I accidentally sprayed myself once. I almost shedded many tears. Good thing I had milk.

my phone was blowing up with messages probably from josh, so I turned it off. It's not that I don't want to talk to anyone I just need to control my tears before I do anything else.

But I can't so I do what I usually do when I feel lonely and tired. I talk to god and let it out. Maybe he's listening maybe not. I probably look like a crazy person talking and sobbing in my car but for now I don't care

I take a deep breath and begin to empty out my heart to absolutely no one.

"Grandma.. I need you. Please come back I had you. I miss you so much and I know you told me to be strong and fight for my own happiness but it's hard. Why couldn't I go with you? I still needed you here. I miss my ranting to you and the cookies you made when I was sad. And the things you said to make me feels better. I miss living with you and being my own version of happiness. I really hope you're here next to me. Please just don't leave me alone. I'll keep hoping for a chance at my happy ever after as you said. Maybe not. But I'll have hope. Okay I feel better thank you for listening-ish

I love you.

I just had a whole speech in my car, now I'm not crazy but sometimes letting it all out even with knowing that no ones listening makes me feel better.

Right when I think I'm okay I get hit with the reality of me loosing my best friend. Why does this keep happening to me?

I had another best friend in 1st grade but in 8th she left and didn't even tell me anything I tried texting and calling but I don't know what happened to her.

Her grandma said she's happy and to leave her alone. Personally I never trusted her. Not my friend her grandma. She's an odd person. she's a witch.

I wish my brother would call I miss him so much,But he's basically cut us all off.  He checks in just not as much as I would like him to. I still love him and his girlfriend she's so sweet and she's so good for him.

Sweet like candy watermelon sugar high, I'm high off skittles. Joking but I like Harry styles. I want to meet him and become best of friends with him and also maybe ask about one direction you know get the band back.

I did buy myself skittles to help me feel better. It did not anywho moving on I'm driving home to probably knock out from all this crying.

Nap and coffee can help anyone feel better.

Contemplating on turning my phone back on I shake my head and throw it on the passenger seat.

I get to the house and go inside making sure to lock the door. I then decide to shower hoping it helps my puffy stained eyes and make me feel better.

I come out feeling better but that doesn't last.

Silence.

I should make food. I need to eat I decide.

Tears threaten to spill but I sniffle them back because I'm too much of a cool bean to cry. I'm Basically hulk mixed with black widow. Again I say, too cool to cry.

Looking through my cabinets I find Mac and cheese. It's a quite easy meal to make.

I take out the little bag and try to open it. Why won't this package open. I just want macaroni. I keep struggling and struggling until it all flies open macaroni flying everywhere.

I break.

I fall to the floor thinking of her words and break down. I mean most of them are true. It's hard to look past them. I should have uppercutted her.

It might have made me feel better.

full on sobbing in my kitchen floor trying to catch my breath I focus on the good things.

You have new friends. Your aunt and uncle love you.

My uncle helps run a company which causes him to be out of town a lot. They always invite me and insist I come along but I don't find business meetings interesting.

I need buddy. He's so funny and always gets a good laugh out of me. One time his head got stuck in a cardboard box. I was laughing so hard my neighbors probably thought I was a hyena.

I need to pee.

I'm fixing to pee my pants but at this point I can care less. My floor is far to comfortable.

Tears fall down rapidly and I'm wiping and wiping.

2 years with my 'parents' really made everything worse but at least they're not around here. My dad used to yell those exact words at me. 'You'll never be good enough'. Like he was trying to drill it in my head.

I breathe in and out counting and controlling my breath. I don't know when but I end up falling asleep on the floor with hope that Maybe tomorrow will be better.