Chapter 22: Soft Like Thunder: Chapter 21

IN MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS, I sat down beside Theo on the steps in front of my dorm. I had expected him to be waiting there for me when my Uber dropped me off, and he hadn’t let me down.

He was quiet for a while, and I felt no need to fill the space between us. Tonight had worn me out. Thinking about Mads, talking about her, reliving what it meant to know her, all took a toll. Doing that in front of Theo made it ten times harder.

“You’re grieving.”

I slowly turned my head, letting my eyes travel over his face. My stomach churned.

“Yeah.” I pointed to his mouth. “You didn’t wipe off all the lip gloss.”

His hand flew to his mouth, scrubbing the shiny pink stuff away from the very corner. “Fucking Abby. She doesn’t know when to quit.”

“It might be the mixed messages. Taking her on a date then making out with her after would be a little confusing.”

He took my jaw in his hand, pulling me into him so our noses nearly brushed. “That isn’t what happened. I dropped my drunk ex-girlfriend off and she threw herself at me. That lasted less than a second before I left her with the unambiguous message that we were never going to be together.”

I shrugged like I didn’t care. I wished seeing lip gloss on his mouth hadn’t been a blow to the solar plexus, but considering I was still breathless, it had been. The hits just kept coming.

“Okay, Theo. You don’t owe me any explanations.”

His hold on my jaw softened, but he didn’t let go. “I owe you an apology. I realize how I spoke to you was probably unforgivable, but I need you to know I’m sorry.”

I nodded. “That’s something.”

“I should have asked you more questions.”

“You didn’t want a girlfriend. I didn’t want a boyfriend. What we had was what we both wanted.”

His nostrils flared. “Enough lying, Helen. Jesus.”

My hands were still shaking slightly, and I hurt so deep, it felt like my soul was bruised. He kept pushing me, saying he was sorry, then pushing some more. I was getting really tired of being pushed around and made into the bad guy. He wanted to show up here with another girl’s kiss on his lips, offer a little apology, and expect that to be it? Maybe it was because I was so raw from spending the evening talking about Mads, but I was done. Absolutely done.

“Okay, here’s the god’s honest truth, Theo. I’ll lay it all out for you. Madeline left me a lot of money in a trust. But she knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t finish school if she was gone and I could cash in the trust, so I’m required to graduate from Savage U before I can access the money. It’s a lot of money, Theo.

. She left a separate fund for my tuition, so that’s covered. But neither of us knew my darling mother was taking a loan from a gangster at the same time Mads was living her final days. Neither of us had any idea I’d be over a barrel, forced to pay back the loan while attending school. Mads would have paid it off. She wouldn’t have left me in this situation. But here I am, stuck. In a couple years, I know I’ll have the trust, I’ll have Luc, and I’ll be okay. I’ll be more than okay. For now, though, I have to do what I have to do to survive.”

Theo murmured my name painfully and reached for my hand, but I yanked it away. If he gave me soft, I’d scream.

“Deacon sold weed for me until he screwed me over. That was one of the times I had to strip for the cash I owed Amir. There were a handful of other times I took off my clothes when I came up short. I hated every second of it, but I’d do it a thousand times over to keep Luc safe.”

He tried to touch me again, but I slapped him away. I needed to keep going, to level him with my truth so he could see, so he could understand.

“Before you, it had been nearly two years since I had sex with anyone. The last person to touch me decided no meant yes, slammed my face into the hood of a car, and had my pants halfway down my ass before Penelope saved me. So, when I let you inside me, it meant something. I might not have given you everything you thought I should have, but what I gave you was a lot.”

He exhaled, his head dropping forward, hands clasped between his knees.

“I’m an asshole,” he gritted out.

“Yeah, you are. And the thing is, I felt like trash when you told me we were done. But I’ve thought about it, I’ve watched you, I’ve learned a few things about you, and I came to a conclusion.”

He lifted his head to peer at me, his eyes narrowed. “What’s that?”

“I’m really too good for you.” He flinched, but he didn’t deny it, so I went on. “You may have grown up having to be hard, but you’ve gotten soft, Theo. You let your dad push you around. You let your ex push you around. You didn’t stand up for me. Your feelings were hurt, so you tried to get out of our group project, and when you couldn’t, you showed up unprepared and threw out accusations at Lock. Your grades are slipping. You’re closed off. You live off your dad’s money all while saying you hate him. And—”

“Enough,” he whispered. “I hear you.”

“No, wait. I didn’t get to the best part. How do you know Amir, Theo?”

He stilled, studying me so hard, it seemed like he was trying to see inside my mind. Then his head bobbed loosely when he got it.

“He talked?”

“Mmhmm. He told me what he sold you. I don’t know how you got away with doping for so long, but I think your moral high ground was actually a deck of cards, and it’s completely collapsed.”

He stared at me for a long time. Every second that passed, sadness seeped into my bones. Not just for Mads, but for Theo. For who I thought he was—who he could’ve been if he’d just wake up.

He nodded. “You’re right. Nothing you said was untrue. I’m not good enough for you. Not even close.” He climbed to his feet and held his hands out to help me stand. He was giving up, just like that.

Theo walked me the rest of the way up the steps to the door. There, he reeled me in to his body, his arms circling my shoulders, gently pressing me to his chest.

It took me a second to understand he was hugging me. It took another second for it to sink in how badly I’d needed this. I’d been embraced many times tonight, but when it came from Theo, my twisted insides unfurled, and I sank into him.

He held me until I let him go.

“I need to go to sleep.” I dug in my clutch, finding my key card. “I’ll see you in class.”

Theo’s fingers curled around my arm. “Two things before you go in.”

“Okay.”

“First, you’re so fucking beautiful, it’s hard to look at you right now. And you were magnificent tonight when you were talking about Madeline. If people didn’t love her before that, you made them fall.”

I had to bite on my bottom lip to stifle a sob. Theo touched my trembling chin, telling me without words that he noticed.

“Second is I know I’m not good enough, Helen. That doesn’t mean I’m walking away from you. It means I have work to do to get myself there. I won’t ask you to wait, but I’m telling you right now, you’re the only one I want to be with—and that won’t change.” He brought his hand up to the side of my neck, dipping his head to make sure I was with him. “It’s late. You’re tired. When you’re ready, I’ll tell you everything. About Amir, wrestling, steroids, my mom—all of it. Say the word, Tiger, and all my truth is yours.”

“I don’t know if I want your truth, Theo.”

I was sad right then, but when I had more energy and I wasn’t so raw from Mads, the anger would return. And man, was I pissed at Theo.

He closed his eyes, nodding as he exhaled. “Then I’ll have to work until you do.”

He swiped my key card for me, gently shoved me inside, and closed the door between us. Another nod, and Theo walked off into the night, and I went upstairs to my room, my heart aching and promises yet to be fulfilled.