Chapter 25: Chapter 24 - Nat

Monday 7 December

~*Nat’s POV*~

“Sure, Auden.”

I turned to the others. “Keep going. I’ll catch up with you guys.” They all nodded, grunted, or otherwise showed their agreement and kept walking. I wandered over to meet Auden as she approached me. “What’s up?”

“I’ve set up a meeting for you tonight with our head trainer, Kennedy.”

“Okay…?” I answered slowly, not knowing where she was taking this.

“He’s done some excellent work in the past with wolves that have been unpredictable. He gets them to settle down, centres their wolf spirit, if you will. I want to see if he can try to coax your wolf out of her shell, and try to see if we can get your memories back at the same time.”

I looked at her sceptically. “Are you sure, Auden? I mean, I probably don’t even have a wolf. What you saw could have been a trick of the light…”

“I know what I saw, Nat. Don’t forget your reaction to the silver pen.”

“I could just have an allergy to silver.”

She waved her hand in the air. “I know you think it’s crazy, but you’re one of us.”

I went to interrupt again, but she stopped me with another wave.

“Regardless, what harm could it do? It’s like a meditation session. You’ll work on centring yourself, balancing your mind with your body. Kennedy is brilliant at it; you’ll be in excellent hands. And if nothing else, it might help to get your memories back.”

I let out a huff. I could tell I wouldn’t get anywhere trying to argue sense into her. “Fine. What time is this ‘meditation session’?” I brought my hands up in front of me to indicate quotation marks.

Auden smiled in victory. “Seven thirty, just after you’ve finished your evening session with the camp. Come and find me and I’ll take you to him. I’ll be in my office.”

“Will you be doing the session with me?”

“I’ll introduce you, but unfortunately I won’t be able to stay.” She paused as she thought through things. “You can see if Cody wants to join you. It might be good for her to find some balance. Goddess knows she needs it just as much as you.”

I let out a laugh. If nothing else, it’d be worth the price of admission alone to watch Cody struggle with meditation. That woman didn’t sit still for anything. “Okay. You have yourself a deal. See you at seven thirty.”

~~~

“Kennedy? Are you ready for Nat now?”

Auden knocked on the door to Kennedy’s office, with Cody and me standing somewhat awkwardly and nervously behind her.

I could hear movement in the office, just before the door was flung open to reveal a tall, rather lanky man with the most luscious dark brown hair I could yet recall seeing. Although his hair didn’t quite reach his shoulders, it was long enough to cover his ears fully. The wave in his hair leaned more on the curly side than the straight and flopped well over his ears and somewhat bushy eyebrows.

A long, wild, straggly beard framed his oval face and contrasted beautifully with his lightly tanned skin. His large, round eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled the widest grin possible at Auden, then got impossibly wider when he shifted his focus to me and Cody. He radiated warmth and happiness from every pore. Even though I guessed he was in his early thirties, he had both a youthful quality to his physicality, and an old soul quality to his eyes. He intrigued me.

“Of course, Auden.” He stepped to the side, holding onto the top of the door. “Hi Cody. You must be Nat. Come on in.” Kennedy looked at Cody in passing but studied me as we filed into his office after Auden. His examining me should have felt weird, but it was more of a curious nature than an ogling one.

His office was large and open, with a mahogany desk off to the back of the room that was littered with paperwork. Bookshelves lined whatever wall space was available, and the floor-to-ceiling windows in one wall held a set of sliding glass doors that looked out to an enclosed courtyard, very similar to the one Auden and Cody had taken me to last week.

He shut the door and gestured to the sofa seats scattered around the room that were filled with plush cushions. “Take a seat wherever you feel comfortable. We can toss the cushions on the carpet and sit on the floor, if that’s more to your liking?”

Cody grabbed a deep blue cushion from the nearest chair and plonked herself down on the floor. She held onto the cushion in her lap, as she sat cross-legged, leaning against the bottom of the same chair she had pilfered the cushion from. I followed her lead and sat down on the floor in front of the chair closest to her, but stretched my legs out in front of me, crossing them at the ankles. The carpet was decidedly more comfortable than I had expected it to be.

“I can’t stay long, Kennedy,” Auden apologised. “Takeshi has requested that I get something done tonight, otherwise you know I’d be happy to stay for your session. I thought it best if I at least introduced you to Nat to get her settled.” She gestured towards me.

“Of course, of course.” Kennedy waved his hand in the air as he, too, sat down on the floor in front of his desk, crossing his legs in front of him. “You told me Nat has been having trouble finding her wolf?” He looked at me, but he obviously meant his words for Auden.

“Correct.”

“And Cody is here because…?”

“Because Cody is an incredibly curious person and wanted to see with her own eyes what you were going to get Nat to do,” Cody responded facetiously, picking at the edge of the cushion in her lap. I couldn’t help but let a small smile cross my face at her snark. I watched Kennedy closely for any offense, but he just grinned his broad smile and nodded to himself.

Auden, however, glared at her daughter with disapproval, before shaking her head and rolling her eyes at Kennedy.

“Fair enough,” said Kennedy, with a quiet snicker.

“Alright then,” Auden said, now somewhat impatiently. “Kennedy, this is Nat.” She gestured to me. “You already know Cody.” She gestured to her daughter. “Nat, this is Kennedy.” She gestured to the now laughing man in front of us.

“Yeah, thanks for that, Auden,” he said, still chuckling away.

“Fine. Sort it out amongst yourselves, then.” Auden threw her hands up in the air before she turned around and stormed out of Kennedy’s office.

We couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

“Okay,” Kennedy said to me, still smiling as Auden slammed the door shut. “Auden tells me that your wolf is missing, right?”

“Apparently.”

“And that you’ve lost your memory, too?”

“Yup.”

“But you don’t think you’ve got a wolf?”

“That about sums it up.”

“Okay.” He took some time to think my responses through. “What makes you think you don’t have a wolf?”

I frowned at him. “Hasn’t Auden already told you this?”

“She has, but I want to hear it from you.”

I sighed. “Auden and Cody told me that if I’ve got a wolf, I should be able to hear a voice in my head, but there’s no-one in here but me.” I tapped the side of my head with a finger.

Kennedy nodded. “True, but didn’t Auden also say that you might not hear your wolf because of your memory loss?”

“Yeah,” I said. “But it just doesn’t feel real to me, that’s all. I mean, I saw Auden turn into a wolf, so I know it’s real, but I just can’t picture myself doing it.” I shrugged as I looked down at the red cushion in my hands to toy with it.

Kennedy nodded, thinking to himself. “Okay then. What if we just try to focus on getting your memory back then?”

“Honestly? I think that might be a better use of our time,” I mumbled, as I stared at the cushion.

“That’s what we’ll do then,” he said, sitting up just a little straighter than he had before.

I looked up at him apprehensively. He wouldn’t fight me about this like Auden always did?

He nodded at me decisively. It was like we’d all come to an agreement and now we could move forward.

In a way, it felt liberating to be treated this way.

“I want you to try something for me, Nat. Cody, you can do this too.”

I saw Cody sit up and shift her cushion to her side and rest her hands on her knees as she paid more attention to what he was saying.

“Close your eyes…”

I gulped. That didn’t feel safe to me. The only time I spent with my eyes closed for any decent amount of time was when I tried to sleep, and that always ended up in nightmares.

“It’s okay, Nat. I know we’ve only just met, but I swear to you, I’m only trying to help you get relaxed.”

Cody shifted closer to me. “If you want, I can sit next to you?”

I nodded miserably. I didn’t think that it would make any difference, but she was the one person I trusted the most, especially in this room. As much as she irritated me, she was a good friend to have in this situation.

Cody took my hand, held it lightly, and leaned against me.

I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Then I closed my eyes.

“Keep taking slow breaths in and letting them out gradually. Try to clear your mind. If it helps, focus on the sounds of Cody’s breathing, or mine. Try to match it or go slower.”

I could hear Cody breathing next to me, in slow, even breaths. She still cradled my hand in her own, not gripping it, just as a reminder that she was there and that she had me if I needed her. Her body warmed mine, where she had leaned against me.

Matching my breathing to hers, I felt myself relax. Until I started actively focusing on relaxing, I had no idea how tense my shoulders were, how stiff my arms were. It was like my entire body was locked.

“Good. Now, focus on each of your limbs. Let each one drain of any tension that you still have. Concentrate on one limb at a time, working from your feet up your body.” Kennedy’s quiet voice whispered around the room, adding to the calming feel of the space.

I did as he instructed, focusing on my left leg, then my right. With every breath I exhaled, tension poured out of me, till I felt limp.

Shifting my hands to each side of me, I let them rest on the carpet. I felt the soft tufts tickle the backs of my hands, making them slightly itchy, but not overwhelmingly so. I relaxed each finger, then the hand, up my forearm, until my entire arm relaxed fully.

My shoulders were the last thing to let go of whatever tension I had in my body. It was also the hardest part of me I had found so far to unwind, so I focused again on my breathing, matching it to Cody’s.

I noticed my hearing shift focus to what was in and around the room. I could hear Cody clearly as she was the one sitting closest to me and there was a small amount of rustling from where I knew Kennedy sat. But now I could also hear noises outside his office; talking on the other side of the door. I couldn’t hear distinct voices, just the vague murmurings of people passing through the foyer.

“Now that you’ve relaxed, throw your memory back to when Auden and Cody found you.”

I felt my shoulders tense up again, but I forced my body to return to its relaxed state. Once I knew I could focus on something other than my body, I went as far back into my memory as I could.

Cody’s face materialised in the darkness of my mind, her concerned eyes looking down at me. I felt cold, but Cody was wrapping a blanket around me.

“Can you tell us what you see, Nat?”

“I see Cody. She’s wrapping a blanket around me.”

“Can you push your mind back any further than that?”

Feeling my eyebrows furrow as I concentrated, I saw Cody’s face dematerialise in my mind, leaving nothing but black. I shook my head. “There’s nothing there. It’s like my mind is empty.”

“That’s okay, Nat. Let your mind wander. Don’t force it to focus on any one thing. Your memories are there. They’ll re-appear when they’re ready to.”

I focused on what he was saying, but still I tried to push my mind back, playing and rewinding the same scene with Cody again and again.

Suddenly, I felt a tear roll down my left cheek. My eyes sprang open. I lifted my free hand up to my cheek and wiped it away. I looked at my wet fingers in astonishment before I looked at Kennedy. “What… Why am I crying?”

Kennedy opened his eyes and focused on me before he slowly nodded in understanding. “That can happen sometimes, Nat. Sometimes our brain responds to something that we don’t recognise. I think that’s what is probably happening to you right now. Your mind remembers something, but because your memory is still on holiday, your body is reacting in the only way it knows how to with the stimulus your brain is bringing forth.”

“So…” I drew the word out as I tried to figure out what he was saying. An overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me, as more tears leaked from my eyes. “I’m feeling sad, but until my memory comes back, I won’t have any reason why.”

Kennedy nodded.

“And it’s likely to continue in these sessions until I get my memory back.”

Kennedy looked very apologetic. “I’m sorry, Nat, but yes. But these sessions are one of the best ways to work through that block.”

“Well, that fucking sucks.” I wiped the back of my free hand across my cheeks, gripping Cody’s hand more than I had previously.

Cody looked closer at me before pulling me in for a hug. “We’ll work through this together, Nat. You’re not alone in this.” She looked over at Kennedy. “You’re never alone.”

Kennedy shuffled across the carpet to us on his knees. “Cody’s right, Nat. We’re right here with you.” He grasped my free hand as he stared deeply into my eyes. “We’re your support network. Cody, Auden, me. Even Takeshi. We’re all here for you. Never think you’re on your own in this.”

I nodded as tears poured down my cheeks. It was incredibly strange. Although I felt sad, I didn’t feel like I should have been crying. But tears were rolling down my cheeks, purely of their own accord.

I also realised that, as far as I could remember, this was the first time I had cried. My memory only spanned a week, but nothing in my memory suggested anything that I should be upset over. Could Kennedy truly be right? Could my mind be remembering something that I couldn’t?

Could this session genuinely be doing what Auden hoped it would?