SHIN
It wasn't fair.
The fate toyed with me, not that it had drizzled it's unyielding lucky charms on me ever since I was a kid. I still wanted it to behave since It already had done its worst. So when I saw Fischer walk in- my prosecutions were more of a reflex and lucidly not the result of a shock. When I shook his hand, which was a bone-crushing message disguised and forwarded through the gesture- he knew to keep his mouth sealed.
But I don't reckon it was as convincing to Lee, since he would would scan us both to see how much of a stranger we were to be enough to believe that we were acquainted in church.
My exclusive empathy towards Fischer was the occasional smile I kept darting his way, reminding him to smile and quit acting so sloppy. He sat there as if I he swallowed a lemon and had it struck up his throat. sad and bitter.
I am sorry Fischer. But I have my reasons.
Fischer and I were the quietest among us four, Fischer's was understandable- mine was a habit. But to see the face of a celebrity that I often came across as I flipped through the glossy pages of Harper Bazar or rolling stone affected me more than it should. Probably because it took me a mere minute to put the two and two together.
He was the director. He was the one.
And he was looking at Lee with such adoration and smile that it made me sick. Lee was equally smitten to see his friend there that he has probably has forgotten to check me out since an hour. I was not a fool- I know he had been up onto it since this morning. Can't blame him either- cause I was no better.
His thoughts have been flailing my mind ever since last night- I even dreamt of him seated on a Ferrari in traditional hanbok with paparazzi clicking his pictures as he happily posed. He was famous- I searched for him before I went to bed. I wasn't left disappointed- he looked ravishing in his racing gears, those images popped up sooner than the articles. I had scrolled through it for an unnecessary fifteen minutes till he walked out of the washroom. His hair damp from the shower as he towel-dried his hair.
Trained in his reflection, he styled his strands for bed. In an automatism I found my fingers combing my own tress. Who was I attempting to impress? For the sake of sanity, I wake up with a bird's nest. Every. Single. Day.
But when you had a specimen like a Lee around, you unconsciously froth to take care of one's own appearance. Today I realized Lee had a perfect back, broad and lean. His arms get a slight rise of veins when he is stressing a hold onto something. His gaze is always bold on you and he never, like ever shy's away from staring. He doesn't glance- he stares. Hard and impulsive.
Also, he got the perfect set of abs to end his beauty saga. How do I know? He apparently had done a session of a photo shoot for his marshalls campaign. It was for Calvin Klein's jeans- he only wore jeans in that. The search educated me more than what I had bargained for.
So I had to purchase my long-listed, and awaited goldfish the next morning. I haven't named her yet, but she keeps fermenting me. I desire to be like her, a careless freak In a bowl moving in circles, but happy.
How do I presume for her to be happy?
I don't know- I plainly assume it. Isn't how we all interpret things and make them work?
If one looks good.
They must feel good.
It's how I go through my life. Providing them a false variation of me. It works.
Work reminds me of how Edmund Sargent, god bless the surname itself that resounds as if he is a knight from the renaissance. He was here for a quick segment of his movie, but he also announced that he wanted to treat us both before he leaves for a tribal island on the east coast where the further extension of the shoot was scheduled.
Lee's face fell like a puppy whose favorite toy was chewed up by a toddler. And when we finally were at the pastry parlor that Edmund drove us to- He took Lee to the counter, Fischer and I occupied a booth that had a crystal vision of the elegantly large, all-white bakery that smelled of cocoa and money. The place we lounged had a wall staked up entirely of one-way glass so we could catch a glimpse of the city outside. Also- did I mention we were at the topmost floor of one of the largest towers In Nevada?
From where I was positioned- the sun set that I saw from up here, played a game of hide and seek among the buildings. It was surreal. The sun was orange in hue- the color of my gold fish, same in spectrum. I wonder if she feels my absence. And that's how I ruin a moment-
I could've admired the ball of fire. But no, I had a fish to compare it with.
"I feel like a third wheel," I say picking a roasted almond from the square wood plate that had been there is welcome. Crushing the shell texture between my molars I watch as Edmund pats Lee on his shoulder, They both laughed presumably sharing a joke while they dictated the flavors to the staff. I cannot hear them, but their energy was filtering the quiescent atmosphere.
"You are the fourth. I had always been the third" I look back a Fischer smirking. We both were cowards so we compliment each other.
"So that's the director huh?" motioning my thumb I smile, he melts in-seat stretching his creamy woolen jacket, covering his chest. The bitter twist of his lips returning in full score.
"So you are the wife huh?"
It wasn't a battle of squirming anymore as he shot up suddenly, his cunning grin was harmless- I stared right back at him.
"I can blow the cover in an instant. I have an upper hand. It looks as if Lee has no idea about who you are, or else Mr. Sargent would have personally contacted you. Why use me?" he snaps his fingers, my bracelets crinkle as I rest my elbow by the tabletop. It was cold, so I take it take it down.
"Doing that won't get you anywhere" manipulation wasn't my forte, but when it came to such appraisal- anybody in my place would act the same. So I continue "You'll lose your promotion"
He crossed his arms, his chest puffs up, his nose flares as if to deny- then he frowns, and his body deflates when my statement got to him.
"M-My promotion?" he bellowed in murmur, his eyes spans up as I grabbed more almonds to keep my heart in check. What am I doing? Will I be able to take such a step? "You will agree to it?" he expressed in awe. Swallowing the nutritive I offer my demand.
"I need time" I freeze the second I told that, the burden of what could happen falls on me as I blink it off. Stabilizing my voice I stare at him "I will sell it, but now- there is something that I have to take care of. But before I do it. Buy me time- don't let him find out that it's me"
As I speak of him, I shift to spot them still with their claws deep in the showcase. Like two kids elated to make the best of coin and food. Lee, as if scenting my stare turned to look at me. He waved, signaling me to join him. It was terrible already that I was reaping flustered by his sole presence. I was happy were I was, Fischer and my almonds. The sun was tipping us a farewell and the store lights seem to lethargically bath in a warm yellow hue.
Lee scowls when I don't do much, except stare. Keen on the need of moment I mouth, 'go on. I am fine', as soon as I suspect him trying to walk over here.
He halts perplexed, but he moves to the barrier, providing a window to the pleasantries.
'Which one?'
By now we read lips as we communicated.
'Anyone'
'You sure?'
'Totally'
"How do you know that Mr. Sargent doesn't know about you already?" startled at Fischer's remarks, I run a hand down my face. I had momentarily forgotten about the plus one until he spoke. I refrain from facing Fisher that instant as Lee tilts his head in concern.
Wasn't of use was it to keep telling him that he shouldn't be babysitting me always, it seems to trigger a more complicated response from him. I shake my head with a lighthearted assurance- then I look at the old man, nattily.
"He wasn't pouncing at me to get a contract signed like you were Fischer"
He seem to evaluate it with a deep crease crowing him.
"You are smart"
"It's common sense"
"I probably lack that" he admits, then- "Fischer? Seriously? I am thirty-three"
Avoiding his gaze I scrunch my nose. Did that slip?
"It's what I address you in the head. Besides- I am not in Korea and you would never have understood our cultural honorifics. So...
"You can call me that. It's refreshing. I hate my name honestly" he shudders, ultimately plunging into the bowl of dry fruits. It's the rule- eat as much amount of free food as you can.
"I would too. If I was named Aldo" I snort- he snorts. We mutually decided we had ugly snorts so we were quiet for a while. Then piece by piece it juggled us both and our onset of displeasure was so in sync that it scared us.
"Ah, it can't be true-
"How can you-
-of all the girls-
-of all the directors-
-Lee married you?"
-it is a friend of Lee"
We were back to normal when Lee and Edmund joined us, I scooted my body into the smallest corner as soon as Lee sat next to me. The wide sofa wasn't enough to maintain a distance from him, he was burning me up. He rose his brow in notion.
"I am ashamed of Lee" Edmund politely looks at me. My anxiety strikes again- how can Lee have such influential friends? How can I have such an influential husband like Lee. Why was I even here?
Yes- I did this to myself.
"Edmund- you are overreacting" Lee interrupts as Edmund was about to proceed. Edmund awards him a disgusted snort.
"I am not. A man that doesn't know his wife's preference is a shame on earth" as he recites, Lee slides a brownie delight my way with his disapproving gaze on Edmund. Fischer had no call in this, by the time I dug through my first bite he was halfway done with his strawberry tart. "I Know Aldo's likes by now"
Lee sighed, nodding. His gaze hooded as he took the scolding in. but mentally I could feel his naked frustration. I wasn't the only one hiding secrets, was I?
The texture of liquid mousse and cake elopes my tongue as I closed my eyes in ecstasy.
"It is so good" I whispered.
"Is it?" Lee was quick to ask in relief. I nod, no wonder why Edmund and Lee explained that they were a regular here. In fact Edmund had reserved the whole parlor for the evening and had gluten-free desserts customized for Lee. He was the happiest I ever saw- with three full servings on his platter.
By now- Fischer and I weren't so skeptical of tagging and wheeling around these two birdies, because as the day commences, it's the food that matters. They shared some old, inside jokes which went above our head- but it's the lineage of so many new names that they brought up that gave me an insight into the past life of Lee. He must've been such a dedicated social butterfly. There were so many of his friends mentioned in a span of fifteen minutes that I lost count after three.
I was the opposite of him in every sense with an ability to block my own family if It got too much to bear while he might end up opening the doors for thieves to get in so he can befriend them for his entertainment. A person who wasn't transparent, but opaque- foreshadowing everything so one could always come back for more. It was him.
"You said you are staying for a couple more days" Lee diverts it at Edmund, not once making Edmund garner a conversation at me. He replied for me- it was amusing and moving to know he was distracting his friend so I won't be pressured into speaking against my comfort.
Dwelling into it will only swerve my spiraling allurement towards him. so I focus on the cake and conversation and not on his subtle meticulous efforts to aid me. I don't want and want it at the same time.
I bet none of the leading feminist community out there would ever desire a spineless feminist like me who won't stand up for herself, but also would not like to borrow someone's spine when in need- which makes me appreciate the spine structure of Lee. It's beautiful. Perfect even. Wasn't infested by text neck or shaggy posture- he had a runway figure that-
"I have to meet someone before I go-" Edmund paused, he had an intimidating jawline which made the one on Lee look delicate. Though they both were of the same age, Edmund seem to have aged more than Lee, similar to me, I still have ten percent of my baby fat left on my cheeks. "-I have to convince a writer to let me turn her work into a motion picture"
Both Fischer and I locked our gaze for two good seconds, then we resumed eating. My appetite vanished in a clockwise direction as the conversation between the two friends unfolded.
"You are already off on a new project? I thought you were packed for two years" Edmund takes a moment to reply, I hear them with my eyes cast on the saucy dessert. I can't look up- not now.
"I do- but I can't lose this opportunity to anyone else" he dips his utensils and sat up, I don't inspect his top though "I tried sending Aldo to meet her. Twice. But that stubborn woman rejected my proposal, unbelievable isn't it?"
Lee nods sideways, a bit lagging. Even disinterested. But then-
"She calls herself Elixir. But isn't she a mortal like us all? From where does all such attitude comes from? I swear if I met â
Lee drops his spoon on the table. It falls with a clink followed by silence.
"What did you say her name was?"
Pause
"Elixir"
Acute pause
"Her name?" ridiculously stretched pause "Elixir is a girl?" he exclaimed with hurt clouding his voice. The disbelief so evident as if this was the betrayal he wasn't anticipating. My heart began to go out for him, but then u remembered why he hates me so much. He loathes Elixir with passion.
"You know her? you read her work?" Edmund, probably immune to such reactions resumed eating "Its astonishing to know how one can create such art and yet have shitty personality"
Fischer had his gaze glued to the glass window. He was staring at a far distance, his soul a mix of peace and prosperity as if he was levitating inwardly, embarkingng to make himself feel invisible. Contrary to him, I was charring with animosity.
"No- what's to be panicked about is how a girl can invest such monstrosity" I had no clue from where I found the butter knife to butcher the contents of my plate. I wish I could promise that I wasn't imagining a face while I was at it "Be careful when you meet her. She seems evil"
Like his friend, Edmund was to quick to acknowledge Lee.
"I will" he then looks at a meditating Fischer "He has been like that since he met her. Don't worry buddy" he goes as far as to place a hand on his shoulder. Fischer doesn't budge or turn to look at Edmund. "-she can't say no to me. I am a Sargent, send me her details I'll personally-
"-We should go now" Fischer rattles the top as he ascends in the speed of a light. His breaths were hard, his eyes narrowed and pleading. He pushes Edmund to the side as he makes his way out. since we all were done â Lee collectively decides that it was indeed time to leave. But Edmund had more remarks to be coined my way-
"I wish we had more time in our hands to get to know each other. My apologies that this idiot kept me occupied. If I find time- I will swing by the penthouse" his smile was easy- mine wasn't. I couldn't stomach one after having heard my praise in such aligned and steep narration. Hesitantly, he tipped and looked away when my placid gaze became too disturbing. In the elevator I stood in front- they were behind me with f
Fisher abandoning us all as he took stairs. He quoted it as for digestion. I bet it wasn't.
"Is shin young Alright?" I could see their reflection on the mirrored elevator door. So can they see me? even with my back to them, I could see them staring down at the top of my fuming skull.
"It's shin" I blurt. My voice void of sweet artificiality.
"Is shin alright?"
Why on earth will he whisper to Lee when we were inside a box thirty-seven story above the ground?
I was right here.
"I don't know" Lee replies in the same tone. But he also had to tame his curiosity in such severe moment-
"Aren't your heels taller than usual?"
"Yes" grunting I glare at the lowering number in the digital board. The number ten in neon red was calming my nerves. I was almost there.
"Why will you wear something so sharp? Does it hurt?"
Enough-
I can't take the criticism anymore. The next thing might be them asking me why I breathe the wrong way.
Spinning around I stared at them. Dividedly. Sniffing I coiled my fingers into a ball.
"No" I watch Lee regard me sparkingly. Edmund was understandably confused " No- my ankles don't hurt. And I had to wear them so I don't look like a freaking chicken nugget among two roasted beef legs"
A ring echoes.
More light pours in as the door slides open.
Turing, I walk away. But not before I heard Edmund and Lee simultaneously whisper talk among themselves-
"Poor girl, she must be so upset to-
"Did she just called us-
-have a husband who is not aware-
-roasted beef legs?"
- of her favorite flavour"
So...ð?
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