Twenty Seven. It's all rattling inside
In the morning, she wakes alone.
It's not something she's new to. It doesn't bother her as much as it would someone else. That's just how it is.
Steve's room is empty. His bed is cold on his side. He's been gone for a while it seems. Violet's crib is vacant. Jen feels a horrible feeling in her chest. While Steve doesn't know Lowen is home, it feels like they know. Maybe Violet even knows. Lowen Odette is the mother of his child. Are they tied by some invisible string?
It feels so.
She moves to the guest room before she goes downstairs. The halls smell like cinnamon and batter. As she walks she drags her fingertips along the wallpaper, its smooth texture. In the guest room she stares at the boxes of clothes and things that made her life. He's told her she should've unpacked, the guest closet is empty. The dressers are free. The bed is always made. No one ever stays in here.
But Steve still has parents.
Parents who may never be home, but still live here. They own this house. She takes them into account, Steve never will. She doesn't blame him. Though, she would hate for them to eventually come home and there's a teenage girl moved into their house without their knowledge.
Jen doesn't unpack.
She stares at herself in the mirror behind her for too long. She picks apart her face and then puts it all back together hoping something will look different. Something should give. But it never does. She looks the same. She looks bland. She feels bland. She decides she just needs to get clothes on.
It is hard to find what she wants, sometimes.
She finds a pair of jeans that aren't too big and don't have holes in the knees. She finds a red baseball tee and a grey sweater. She changes. Goes through her hair with a brush. She pulls her olden shoes on.
She drags her fingers down the railing as she goes down the stairs. Violet makes a bubbling noise as she spots Jen from her high chair. Jen smiles softly at the girl and comes up to her. She pets her hair down gently and drags a finger down her nose. Violet giggles.
Steve looks over his shoulder at the two from the stove. He's got a plate of cinnamon pancakes next to him. There's only two on the plate. "Morning," he says softly.
Jen takes Violet from the high chair. The little girl clings to her with a baby smile. Jen moves towards Steve and smiles light, "Hi." He sends her a quick smile before flipping a pancake. It's a little burnt but neither comment on it.
"Did you already eat?" Jen asks as her eyes linger on Violet, she bounces her a little on her hip. Steve's eyes flicker to Jen then back to the pan. "Yeah, I did," Steve lies. "Violet ate too," not a lie. "These pancakes are for you. Sorry if they're a little.." They both look down at the plate of slightly burnt pancakes. While he stares at them Jen's eyes flicker to the side of his face. She knows he doesn't eat much. It probably has to do with all the sports. She doesn't eat much either, but that's because she's never had the chances too. Sometimes, she simply just doesn't want to. She wonders if Steve feels like that a lot of the time. He just doesn't want to.
She wants to ask him about the no eating, but she's not sure how smoothly that would go. Her lips part regardless, but no words come outâ Both look away from pancakes and each other when the door bell rings. Violet goes looking for the sound with her big eyes and head turns.
"I got it," Steve whispers and walks away from the stove. He doesn't give Jen the time to comment. But with his back faced to her, she reaches over and turns off the stove. She pushes the pan back onto a cooler part of the stove, the pancake sits inside of itâ untouched.
Jen's heart pounds in her chest for some reason as the door opens.
It's open for two seconds before it slams shut, loudly.
Jen and Violet flinch at the roughness, Violet clings to Jen harder at the noise. A little girl hiding from a big scary noise. Jen rubs Violet's back and tries not to gasp for air.
It is happening.
Steve comes rushing back from the door, his hand is abusing his jaw and his eyes don't leave the floor. His shoulders are tense. He looks.. indescribable?
"Steve?" Jen calls out, her voice wavers. She's terrified it's given her away. He doesn't even look at her, he turns and looks back at the closed door. His lips part and close. He looks at Jen now and comes towards her. He says nothing and takes his daughter from her. She can't breathe, Jen. Does he know? He has to? My breathing is giving it away? He has to know! Steve says nothing and runs a hand through Violet's hair and moves towards the hall. He disappears. Jen hears the back sliding doors open and close.
When it's closed she's rushing towards the front door. She scrapes her hip on the kitchen counter edge, it will bruise. She winces. She's not new to those either. She groans as she opens up the front door. Her feelings go indescribable.
There she is. Lowen Odette, again.
She's standing right here at Steve's doorstep where she specifically wasn't supposed to be at.
She looks less clean, like one night home has already thrown her back into her old ways. Really? She wears jeans that flare at the end. Those look new and the dark denim looks rich colored. Her shoes look scuffed. Her top has holes in the neckline and she has a cardigan thrown over it. "Steve sold my trailer. Don't you think I deserve that money?"
Jen doesn't even know what to say.
Lowen smiles up at her, carrying on. "I know you told me to back off. And I am, but I'm here for you. This is the only place you could be reached from, so, don't get hot. I picked stuff out for Alex's funeral, but since I'm not actually familyâwhich she does have in town. I need you to confirm everything. So, you do that soon, yeah? She can't be in a freezer forever, J."
Jen wants to slap her again.
Jen's next breath is a struggle. She can't be in a freezer forever, J.
Jen chokes on her own words. "Can you.. Can you not talk about her like that?" Her voice is softer than Lowen's ever heard it towards her. It beats at her a little and she softens herself a little. "Yeah, alright. Sorry."
Jen stares, and her skin gets hot. Steve's front door is heavy in her palm, her grip bruising. "The money from your trailer went to Violet. You can't get that back. Sorry." Lowen's lips roll into another, like she's trying to decide what to do now. "He slammed the door in my face," she decides on.
Her voice. The way she says it. It feels like Jen's ribs are pushing into one another and she's about to fold over. Have something in her pierced and bleed out internally.
"What did you expect him to do?" Jen whispers.
Lowen looks down the street, she pushes her longer hair from her. "I don't know. I didn't think he'd answer the door."
"He lives here, Lowen."
Lowen looks back at her, something in her eye Jen has never seen before. It looks mean and angry and jealous. No one has ever been jealous of Jen Leadison before. They've never had a reason to be. But Lowen's standing here, jealous of her dead best friend's little sister. "So do you, it now shows."
Jen doesn't know what to say. She doesn't want to blow up in anger. She doesn't want to do that on Steve's fucking doorstep. But Jen flinches where there's fingertips dragging on her waist. Lowen even flinches a little at Steve's sudden appearance. He peers at Lowen from behind Jen's shoulder, he looks smaller than he usually does. Like he's trying to hide from her.
Jen looks back, Violet's back in her high chair.
"Hi, Steve," Lowen says lowly.
In the corner of Jen's eye she can see his clenched jaw. She can practically feel his teeth grinding. "Hey," is all he says and the way he says it sounds so haunting. So cruel. Lowen takes in a breath. Jen turns her head a little to look at him. He is standing so close she can practically smell his skin.
What is happening?
"You're home," Steve mutters.
There are knives in his eyes, Jen can see them piercing at his irises. Lowen shrugs, her arms folding over herself in a protective way. "I guess. My best friend died."
Jen's faces pinches up and Steve's anger practically disappears. Jen's sister is dead. He looks over at Jen so quick she looks away even quicker, her eyes falling on Lowen's shoes.
Lowen doesn't know what to do with the way Steve is staring at Jen. He's looking at her like how he used to look at her. It makes her head spin a little. She needs to talk or she'll hit something. She wonders, for a split second as her lips part, is my kid in that house?
"I set up Alex's funeral. I'm paying for it," Jen and Steve's eyes snap towards Lowen. She's paying? "I just need Jen's okay on things, so, she has to check that out soon. That's all I needed to say."
Steve wants her off his doorstep. He wants to talk to Jen.
"Yeah, alright." He says quick. "We'll be there."
Lowen and Jen look at him, both a little shocked at his words.
He's coming with her?
He's coming with me?
Like always, Lowen is gone as quick as she comes.
Steve closes the door hard. He moves away from it quick. Jen doesn't move, she just stares at the closed door. She doesn't really know what to do.
"Were you.. Were you even going to do anything for your sister?"
She's shocked by the question, looking over her shoulder towards the boy. "I was going to let Hopper take care of it. Do what the county does for dead girls with no people. I don't have the money to give Alex. I didn't then and I don't now."
Steve stares, his jaw still looks tense. "I could've done that. The paying. I would've done that for you, Jen."
A new sense of anger blossoms in her chest, of course he could do that. He's Steve Harrington. "I didn't need you to do that for me. She's my sister, my problem. I was going to take care of it!" I don't want your money. I don't need it. I have already taken space in your house. I am taking up your air. I am breathing the air your daughter consumes. I should not be here!
"Were you, though?"
She stares, lips parted. Eyes a little wide.
He takes a breath, a hand pushes his hair back. He comes closer to her. "Jen, I don't want to sound like a dick. But seriously, were you going to do anything? You haven't said a single thing to me about her? You've just been acting like nothing happened? Like she's off in another town with someone new? But Jen, she's gone."
Jen scoffs a little. "I know she's goneâ"
Steve frowns, his shoulders sag a little. "No, Jen. I don't think you do."
Her own jaw tenses now and she hates that her eyes are watering in front of him. She doesn't want to cry in front of Steve. The thought alone makes her angry with herself. "I wasn't going to do anything," she finally whispers. "I couldn't."
"I can't."
Steve doesn't say anything, he just moves towards the girl and buries her in his arms. She sinks into him. Her forehead presses into his chest, his chin rests on the crown of her head. "I don't want to do anything about it," she whispers. Her voice cracks. Her fingers hesitate, but then they fall onto the waistline on Steve's jeans. She squeezes the denim, it pinches the surface of her skin oddly.
He takes in a breath, doesn't let go. "I'll call Mandy up, she'll take V. It will be fine. I'll go with you and we'll make decisions and it will be fine. Alex is good," he whispers that last part. Jen screws her eyes shut harder. She pulls Steve closer, though it doesn't seem anymore possible. He's as close as he can get without crawling into her skin.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
She feels him shake his head.
She doesn't want to keep these things with herself any longer. "I knew she was here," she whispers into him. "Lowen. I saw her last night. She was at my trailer. I hit her in the face, Steve.." Steve stares off past Jen, he lets out a breath. He looks over his shoulder at his daughter and her stupid fucking bear with the missing fucking ear from her fucked up mother.
His daughter whose mother is now home.
He realizes now, how badly he wants nothing to do with Lowen. He wants her to have nothing to do with her daughter. He's thought, for the longest time, he'd want it. Them all back together again, so Steve wasn't doing this alone. He doesn't want to do this alone.
But seeing her? It was fucking disgusting. He felt sick. Disappointed. His daughter doesn't need her. He doesn't need her. He doesn't fucking want her here.
He wants to hit something. He wants to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. "It's fine," he whispers into Jen's hair.
None of it seems fine.