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I lost eleven pounds, or approximately 5 kilograms in the past eleven days! I was finally down to 189 and I was so excited to keep progressing with my diet. It got easier, I realized. The not-eating and coming up with excuses to tell my mom at dinner.
It got easier each day. And it was no problem at school because I didn't need to come up with excuses for anybody. I knew nobody and sat alone in the bathroom for the forty-five minutes of lunch before treading to my next class.
The bus rides also became more fun and I quickly came to realize that even if my parents fixed my car, I wouldn't want to drive it. I'd made a friend named Ji-ho and he was great. I wondered if his desire to befriend me had to do with the fact that I was becoming skinny.
However, our friendship only existed in passing and on the bus rides to and from school. Ji-ho often ate with Jamison and their crew at lunch, but I didn't care. I'd made it a habit to hang in the bathroom at lunch and wait for the school-day to end so I could hang out with my new friend. He was someone to look forward to everyday and I'm not going to lie, he was a pretty good (and cute) motivator to get me going to school.
"Phoebe!" Ji-ho waved as he entered the bus and sat right beside me.
It made me uncomfortable since he usually sat in the seat across, in front of, or behind meâ never directly beside me. I was jealous of his body; he was slim and tall and had a nice face. This made him an easy target for all the popular kids at our school, and he'd easily been swallowed up in their crowd. But, it also made me even more insecure because he probably realized by now that I was the scum of the high-school junior class. Nobody wanted to befriend meâ in fact, many people talked badly about me.
I glanced at him nervously with my dark brown eyes that were the same color as my frizzy brown hair. Ji-ho sat beside me and I hoped I wasn't taking up too much space in the seat. I tried scooting closer to the window, but it wasn't like I could tell my fat to shrink and disappear. I was uncomfortable, but I would deal with it. It was a Friday after all, and we wouldn't see each other until next Monday.
"Ji-ho," I responded with the same level of enthusiasm in my voice while I adjusted my shirt, airing it out to cover my stomachâ my stomach that I was desperately trying to hold in. I hoped my chest didn't look big when I did that.
"How was your day?" He asked, tossing his backpack carelessly in the burgundy seat in the row across from us. Ji-ho turned to face me. I wondered why he'd suddenly chosen to sit next to me on a Friday afternoon, a time when everyone would get a ride home instead of go on the bus. Aside from us, there were maybe four other people here, but they sat in the front and all talked like friends.
I wondered if I'd ever make friends after high-school. Maybe I would because my plan was to be skinny by the end of this year. I would continue my diet this summer and start my senior year with a fresh new face and bodyâ Jamison and his crowd would never know that I was the same 'fat Phoebe' that they'd called me behind my back.
I'd heard it on multiple occasions, often during the five-minute periods we had between classes. People shared their unsolicited opinions of me and I couldn't comprehend what made me the subject of their conversations when I didn't even know them.
"Did you see fat Phoebe today? She dropped her pencil in my chemistry class and almost took the chair down with her when she tried to grab it. Gosh, I don't think I'd want to go to school if I ever got that big. Her pencil didn't roll as much as the rolls on her stomach. Disgusting."
"Phoebe bumped into me in the hallway and I almost fell; she's so big! I wonder when her legs are going to snap from all the weight." This one, I had heard from Gaby outside of the English class. And it only made me realize that a little over a week ago, she had been the one to cut my skirt and play dumb and innocent. It hurt to hear that. Suffice to say, I refused to speak to her afterwards and even requested a seat assignment change in English.
"Fat Phoebe probably showers in a car-wash and can't fit in her car; it's probably why I heard Jamison say he saw her on his bus. Let's hope she doesn't pop a wheel or something."
"I literally watched her run up the stairs this morning, and the amount of jiggling that was happeningâ what do her parents feed her?!"
They'd say comments like that and laughâ and these were just the ones I heard, there had to be hundreds more that I hadn't heard and it genuinely hurt. It was discouraging to say the least, and I'd recently learned that hearing these hurtful comments actually discouraged people from eating less. It was subconscious, and I was afraid that these random high-schoolers would be the reason I would become the size that I am. But, I was never one for bringing people down to boost myself up. I believed that I was humble and kind and that they would someday see past my appearance.
"Good. Why are you sitting next to me?" I asked as Ji-ho quirked an eyebrow. He smirked, his plump pink lips turning upward as his sleek dark hair fell in his eyes. I wanted to ask what shampoo he used because his hair was stunning.
"Do you want me to move?" Ji-ho asked and I pursed my lips, unsure of what to say. I contemplated a situation in which I would say yesâ he wasn't the type to get angry or upset easily so perhaps he wouldn't care. Or maybe Ji-ho would get offended and stop talking to me forever.
"Um... no, it's okay." I finally said.
"I was wondering Phoebe, do you want to go to the arcade with meâ and some of the other people today?" He asked, adding the 'other people' as a clear afterthought. He smiled confidently, his dark eyes sparkled as much as his bright teeth. I wished my teeth could be that whiteâ instead, I had a horrendous yellow tint.
My prediction about Kyle, formally known as Ji-ho, was correct. Since he was athletic, he did made friends very quickly. He was handsome in his own way, but it bothered me that Jamison often called him 'exotic.'
Jamison had grown up like many of the people in McAlester, Oklahoma: very sheltered and closed-minded. It showed when he called the first Asian person he'd ever met 'exotic' or 'unique' instead of realizing that Ji-ho was just like him, minus the god-complex and absurd ego.
Ji-ho, as I'd learned over the past week or so that we'd been friends, was very kind and humble. I wondered if the general population of California was that way or if Ji-ho was just an outlier. Regardless, he'd quickly learn that small-towns like McAlester gossiped and ranked their citizens on many superficial characteristics. And while they may claim to want to help a neighbor out, deep down, they're looking for compensation later on.
"Uh... I have homework." I lied, knowing that the reason my grades were suffering was because I spent too much time watching shows and not enough time actually doing homework.
"We both know that's a lie," Ji-ho laughed and I pursed my lips. I realized then that it was a great idea.
If I went to the arcade, it would distract me from my hunger for a couple of hours and I would get to hang out and get closer to a friend.
"Yeah, actually. Sure, why not." I finally said as Ji-ho's eyes widened. He seemed taken aback by my response and I found it amusing.
"Text me your address and I can come pick you up at around five." Ji-ho said. However, there was one thing that stuck out to me from his statement: pick-up.
"You have a car?" I blurted out without thinking.
"Yeah, I just prefer taking the bus. It saves gas." I nodded, it was clever reasoning. And for a smart guy like Ji-ho, I could expect nothing less. I texted him my address excitedly, hopeful that we could spend time together later.
I was anxious that he'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with 'fat Phoebe,' but if he was, he gave no indication. I wondered what he thought of my sizeâ if he thought that my weight made me ugly. Honestly, I found myself thinking about that a lot because Ji-ho was my only friend in McAlester and I didn't want to ruin that friendship, especially considering that I had lived here for over a year and was still friendless.
We got off at our respective stops and I rushed through my front door and toward my bedroom. Mom walked in a few minutes later with a tray of snacks in her hand.
"Phoebe, how was school?" She asked, sitting beside me and placing the tray on top of my sheets. I eyed it warily, my stomach churning as I shut my eyes and glared at my mother instead.
"Mom! Don't you see how fat I am?! Why are you bringing so much food in here?" I squealed angrily, flailing my arm before realizing that I had a flabby wing under. I held my arms tight at my sides before quickly removing them once I realized that the fat would make my arms stretch out horizontally just like my legs did when I sat down.
"Because fat or thin or in-between, everybody needs to eat. Besides, a little snack won't hurt youâ it's about portion control." She responded, nonchalant. Mom took a sliver of an apple and popped it into her mouth. I thought I wasn't hungry, but, by the way my mouth salivated in that moment, I knew my self-control was quickly diminishing.
I'd been able to not eat for eleven days, it was a real challenge, but I was proud of myself for accomplishing my goal this far. I would soon enough weigh as much as those k-drama girls, about one-hundred pounds. If Moses could go to Mt. Sinai for forty days with no food or water, then eleven days should be a breeze for me.
And admittedly, my hunger had slowly dissipated. However, I knew that the second any food touched my lips, I'd turn into a paper shredder, but for food.
"It's your fault that I'm this fat." I glared, pursing my lips as I crossed, then uncrossed my arms. I adjusted my shirt instead.
"Phoebe, can we talk about something other than weight for once, I'm going to leave the tray here in case you get hungry. Okay, I'll see you at dinner." Mom smiled, hugging me from the side and kissing the frizzy hair on top of my head. She didn't comment on my hair, for once, and I was genuinely shocked.
"Wait, um, my friend is picking me up at five so we can go to an arcade. Is that okay?" I asked and her expression immediately shifted from happy to gloomy.
"Phoebe, I don't like when my kids go out to random places with strangers. It's not safe and I don't want my daughter to be kidnapped. Maybe invite your friend here to have dinner with us instead. What's her name?" She suggested, her eyes downcast as she looked around at the messy clothes that were scattered all over my room.
"His name is Ji-ho." I responded, looking away from the flames that seemed to be coming from her eyes and the smoke that came from her ears.
"And is this Jy-o your boyfriend?" She asked angrily, completely butchering his name in the process. She seemed startled that I'd given her a boys name and admittedly, I should've just lied about my friend.
"No, he's my friend. Mom, I'm sixteen, I should be allowed to hang out with people if I want to. I can even drive on my own." I pleaded, knowing that I was only fighting a losing battle.
"Not when your car engine is broken." She hissed, her calm aura diminishing completely. "No, I don't want you going out with boys. We already told you that you can't date until college."
"But its Friday." I argued, weakly.
"What's your point?" She frowned, standing by the doorframe with her arms crossed. She looked about ready to take her shoe off and throw it at me.
"Everyone hangs out with their friends on fridays!"
"We are not everyone. Tell your O-Jun or whatever his name is that he can go by himself." She shouted, "and if I hear of you wanting to go out with boys again before you graduate, I will not be this kind."
"That's not fair!" I shouted, slamming the tray of food off my bed and watching the apple slices, M&Ms, and plastic bowl of lays crisps land on my wooden floor.
When mom was angry, she usually gave me the silent treatment. When mom was really angry, she yelled and did impulsive things.
"Let's see what your father thinks about you going alone to a movie theater with a boy!" She growled, ready to head out and slam my door.
"It's an arcade! And he's just my friend!" I announced, knowing that there was no way I could win this argument.
"No. My answer is final." She said, finality in her voice. I scoffed, laying back in bed and refusing to look her way.
"Clean up the mess you made and stay in your room. You can hardly keep your C-average and now you want to waste your time on a boy? Do you know how disappointing that is?!" She growled, showing her fangs as she slammed the door and I got up to lock it. I huffed, pacing back and forth before grabbing my phone and deciding to finally text him.
I felt like a prisoner in my own mind, home, and body. I felt like the key to my prison doors had sunk to the bottom of the ocean long ago and I had no control over anything I did.
Hi Ji-ho. I can't make it at 5, mom said no. I typed and sent the message as anger boiled inside me. I was mad that she had kept me chained up and assumed the worst when I literally just wanted to get to spend time with my only friend. But, it wasn't like I could get them to change their minds anyway.
My whole life had been a myriad of no's in response to hang-out and birthday-party invitations. I was living the life my parents wantedâ sheltered and under a rock.
I wasn't even allowed to listen to music until I was nearly ten because they believed music would change my thoughts for the worst. I spent months convincing them and finally heard "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North. It was the first song I had ever been allowed to listen to.
I never had any relevant conversations with my parents because those types of talks made them uncomfortable and made me feel like I was a bad person for even asking what drugs or sex was. I had to learn from my peers, and from that, I also learned to be secluded, quiet, and silent in order to avoid the hate and attempt to blend in as best as I could.
But the hate consistently came anyway, I had no control over what people believed about me.
They all thought I had a mean face and that my body defined my personality. That wasn't the case, but I was sick of letting them tear me down with their unspoken words and significant looks.
Buzzkill helicopter mama. Ji-ho responded, sending a picture of a bee and I stifled a laugh. Want me to pick you up tonight? We can go somewhere cool.
I was taken aback by his message, wondering why he was still looking for opportunities to hang out. I wondered if he could possibly like me romantically, but as soon as the thoughts grazed my mind, they were gone.
Nobody would ever like me.
I'm too fat to be loved.
Maybe another day. Have a good weekend. I responded, opening my laptop and turning on my new favorite k-drama: True Beauty.
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This book will probably end up being around 12ish chapters :)