Chapter 56: Confession

When I'm old enough I want to move far away from my friends and family into my own apartment. I don't want them to be able to do daily visits or be able to see me a lot. I don't want to disappoint them anymore. I feel like a burden to them, like they're forced to deal with me. I dont want them to see my apartment, or how I'll keep my refrigerator empty so I'm never temped to eat anything. I don't want them to one day see my self-harm scars. I don't want them to see how hard it is for me to wake up everyday or how hard it is for me to fall asleep at night. I don't want them to know that everyday i'm tempted to jump off a bridge or tall building. I want them to remember me as their happy little boy, the boy who used to smile at everything. Not the boy who mentally writes suicide notes in his head almost everyday. I want to destroy every relationship I have with someone so that I have no one holding me back from committing suicide, so I don't have to worry about anyone being left destroyed because of what I did. I want their names to stop circulating my body, the kisses on the forehead and hugs to stop, so I can focus on the lies and salty tears that I've been choking on all my fucking life, and jump.