So I used to like this girl, but at the moment I didn't know it. I do not identify as lesbian or even bisexual, I just like guys. But this girl was different. We were on our middle schools' soccer team together, but after the season ended, we didn't really talk. Then I noticed she was on my bus so I started sitting next to her because her sister went to the back to sit with her friends and I don't like it when people I know are alone. So it went like that for a while. We'd talk a few times, she'd be listening to music most of the time. When we got to school, we would walk to breakfast together and I'd just ask her questions. On the afternoon bus, I'd still ask questions. Just innocent ones, but I guess I was just really annoying. Like really really annoying. I didn't know though because she never said anything. One day, one of her sister's friends came when we got off the morning bus and said, "Leave A___ alone." I was stricken, really. I felt so embarrassed and I dunno. Anyway, I didn't take the hint and continued talking to her. After a while, I just started not walking with her anymore, but I still sat next to her on the bus And she just ignored me really. On the afternoon bus, she switched seats. I don't really know why, but I got so depressed about this, like cutting myself because of how annoying and disgusting I was. The day school went out of session for the summer, I contemplated writing a letter to her to say I don't even remember what, but I just figured that she wouldn't come to school. Imagine my agony when I saw her on the morning bus sporting a red Angry Bird shirt, dark jeans and red Vans. The whole day, there was an undercurrent of sadness, but I had a smile for everyone who bothered to talk to me. I wanted to write the letter, but I was so scared and I didn't want to be ridiculed in front of everyone. So I just watched her walk off the bus forever.This happened in seventh grade and I'm in ninth now.She's in tenth now, but we go to different schools.All the summer before eighth grade, I was the most depressed I had ever been. I seriously wanted to kill myself because of this. I cut myself almost everyday because of the imprint the ordeal had left on me. I got better near the middle of the eighth grade. To this day, my heart still squeezes at the sight of her. I've gotten over it for the most part, but I still have this deep fear that I'm really annoying and no one likes my presence. This is especially worse when I have a depressive episode (I have bipolar depression). For now, I'm okay and try not to think so much.
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