Everyone looks to me for advice everyone looks to me to cheer them up and everyone looks to me to figure out if something is wrong and fix it. But no one takes it upon themselves to return to favor. Almost every night I fall asleep thinking about how worthless and pathetic I am but every day I put on a fake smile and make jokes. None of my friends try to find out what's bothering me when I say "I'm fine" even though I do that for them. It feels like I am all alone, I bundle all my feelings up until I break, I don't trust anyone with my feelings. Everyone who knows me thinks I'm a happy bubbly girl who loves life but I don't, I hate this world and most of the people in it. Everyone is so selfish and self obsessed I know I am too. So one day when it hit me really hard I made a list of the top 10 thing that are wrong with me.
1. I screw everything up.
2. My parents weren't even married when they had me I am a mistake.
3. I don't deserve the life I have (I'm not rich) and I don't deserve anything.
4. I am just a burden to people.
5. I push people away if you try to really get close to me I push you away because I'm afraid of hurting you.
6. I'm a coward.
7. I can never tell people I appreciate them and what they do.
8. I always think the worst of people (like that they will not be with me in the long run)
9. To cover up my emotions I use a mask of sarcasm and humor and people don't understand my humor and get upset.
10. I seem like I'm self confident and strong but every time I eat something that may make me gain weight I refuse to eat my mom is catching on and I'm scared that I will have to explain myself
I am scared of people finding out the real me and what they will think of me. I'm scared they will see that I am a broken and terrified girl that is scared of reality but scared of leaving it. Why do I think this? I know I'm not going to kill myself I couldn't do that to my mom. But just don't know what to do.