Stargaze.

Warning: talks of depression and sexual abuse.

This is a scene from a Jyler book I'm writing in secret... I've changed a few things so it'll make sense.

Words 2485

ಠ_ಠ

Everything comes to an end.

Everything but death.

Death is the end. There's nothing but hell after that. Or heaven. It depend on who you are.

Jenna would like to assume she'll go to heaven. Even though she was sure she was going to hell. Everything she's done in her life only makes her feel guilty. Even if it wasn't her fault half the time, it didn't make it any more of an okay thing.

She had a reason to feel this way. Even though it wasn't a reason she could vocalize, it was still a reason. If someone asked why she was sad she should be able to answer 'my mind is why I'm sad.' Right? And it's okay to lose it for no reason sometimes, right? Because there's always a hidden reason somewhere.

She never meant to lose it in front of Tyler.

"You alright?" Tyler asked concerned, his eyes followed the stray tear as it landed on Jenna's book.

She wiped it quickly, twisting her chair the other way. "I'm fine."

Through the time they've known each other, Tyler had grown confident. If he just met this girl he'd only nod his head and take her word for it, but now he knew her. Now, 'I'm fine.' wasn't an answer. It was, however, a way to block out the people who actually cared.

"Jenna, it's okay. You can talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about! I'm just having an off day." She took a deep breath, as she twisted around in her chair. She felt cornered.

Tyler sighed, as he hoisted his satchel onto his shoulder. He was about to leave to go home from the place they worked but now he was thinking otherwise. "You don't have to talk about it. There's other ways to feel better. Can I take you somewhere?"

The question startled Jenna. She was never good with men. She always felt uncomfortable with them, because they were intimidating. But she trusted Tyler. And she oddly felt safe with him.

"Yes." She told him, picking herself up from the chair. She felt like a glass doll, like she could break at any moment, and burst into tears. She didn't want Tyler to see her that way.

She didn't know exactly why she felt like crying. I guess it's a free gift on the side of depression. She definitely had a reason for crying, but shouldn't she stop using her mind as an excuse at some point?

Jenna slipped out of the chair, setting her book down on the counter. Tyler quickly latched his hand with hers, guiding her out of the music shop. Jenna flinched slightly, but soon relaxed at his touch. They've never touched before. She felt butterflies fly out of their cages, and into her stomach. It was like the butterflies finally escaped the clasp her heart had on them. They were celebrating.

"Where are we going?" Jenna asked, but Tyler didn't reply. He shifted his car into gear, and began out of the parking lot.

"Why waste words telling you if you can look for yourself?" Tyler questioned. Jenna rolled her eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling.

The pit of her stomach felt empty, as if every time she took a breath the air entered an empty, eerie, room. When she finally exhaled she was relieved, like the gust of wind was pounding to get out of her body. It didn't want to be stuck inside her empty chest just as much as Jenna didn't want to be herself.

"So, tell me some things." Tyler broke the ice, making Jenna turn to face him.

"What kinds of things?" Jenna's small voice asked.

"I don't know." He shrugged. "What are you thinking right now?"

Jenna furrowed her eyebrows the tiniest bit, looking at the dashboard in thought. No matter how innocent Tyler meant by the question, it was invasive either way. Jenna found that question odd. Why would someone want to know the brain of someone as messed up as her? She might not think about blood and killing people, but her brain was it's own kind of messed up. Her thoughts were something she didn't believe anyone else had.

"I'm thinking about the fact you asked me what I'm thinking about." Jenna shrugged. She wasn't wrong.

Tyler chuckled shortly. "Oh, right. Whoops."

They passed some trees, and landed on a dirt road. Tyler peered over the dashboard as he slowed his pace on the pebbly path.

"Where are we going?" Jenna asked again. She took in her surroundings.

To her far left, beyond Tyler, was a lake. To her right were trees upon trees upon trees. They were in the woods.

"My dad used to take me here. I used to clear my head here when he'd take me fishing." Tyler explained, parking the car and reaching in the backseat.

"Oh, do you still fish here often?" Jenna asked.

Tyler sighed as he pulled a blanket from behind his seat and into his lap. "Nope. We've both been busy."

Jenna nodded, as they both swung their doors open, stepping out into the warm breeze. It was mid May.

Jenna met with Tyler on the other side of his truck. "So, what are we doing here?"

"Like I said: I'd come out here to clear my thoughts; Let them flow." Tyler spread the blanket beside a tree, flattening it out, and sitting down. He patted next to him and Jenna joined him.

"Okay, so a picnic?" Jenna asked, and Tyler shook his head.

"Not exactly." Tyler shrugged.

The night we coming near as the sun slowly guided itself home. The sunset consisted of pinks, oranges, and reds. The sun formed into some sort of yolk shape and color, the light shining across the sky and hitting both Tyler and Jenna's face. Although, it was to bright to look straight at the sunset, it wasn't dim enough to feel the need to squint either. It was perfect.

"This is crazy." Jenna began, her eyes fixated on the colors of the sky.

"What is?"

"All of this." Jenna monotoned. She was to in awe of the sky to add the feeling into her words. "How every single detail is perfect; beautiful." Jenna looked up, above them were fading stars, all of them gathering up for the moon's great arrival. "Yet here we are; humans. The most imperfect beings in the world."

Tyler gulped. That was deep, but he wasn't going to lie: he's thought of the same thing multiple times. "Yeah." He managed.

"Makes me question why God put us here. If the whole world is flawless then why did He put something so defective?"

Tyler thought for a moment, looking down at the blanket below him. "Well," he began, "I see us as the one thing that's unique." He looked around, the bushes now becoming a darker green as it's shadows creeped up on them. "Everything else is indecisive. They can't make the decision of being imperfect. Yet humans have the choice of being good or bad. We might not be perfect, but that's the point. We strive to be as good as we can, and God is pleased with that."

Jenna nodded, her brain processing the words. It did make sense, but what if there was no God? What then? We're trying to please something that doesn't even exist. "What if we can't please him?" She whispered.

"We can. We just do our best. I've always seen Him like my parents. No matter how much I fail they still seem to keep me up and keep loving me. Even though I'm far from deserving it. It's the same with Him." Tyler sighed as he thought of how cruel he is to his family. They work so hard to keep him on his feet, and all they want is for him to strive to be the best he can be. "I think." He added, because no matter how much he thought about the subject at hand, he could never be a professional.

Jenna nodded. The sun had finally set, the slightest sliver noticeable behind the trees. The stars were full on shining now, so Jenna laid down to look up. "You took me here to stargaze didn't you?"

Tyler nodded, laying down beside her. "I guess so."

"Well, it's very beautiful." Jenna concluded. Tyler nodded.

"I come here to clear my head." Tyler repeated his later statement, looking over at Jenna.

"All stargazing does is fill my head with life." She replied.

"Me too, but it somehow helps me understand it better. It helps me understand my mind." The trees ruffled as wind blew through. Jenna tucked a flyaway behind her ear. "It's like a book. Once you finish it you put it down and stop thinking about it." He explained. "Well, if you finish your thought, maybe it'll go away and stop nagging you."

"What if I don't want to finish my thought?" Jenna asked.

"Then you don't have to." Tyler shrugged the best he could while laying down.

The thing is: Jenna wanted to. She wanted to throw away the thought of feeling guilty about being sad, and get rid of the heavy weight on her shoulders. But how could she do that? The only way to get rid of the thought of a lie is to speak the truth. But she didn't want to speak the truth. Her secret was her's to keep. Sure people could tell she was sad, but she was afraid to say it. Because normally anything that's said, goes. If she didn't want to tell anyone then she won't. She'll be sad if she wanted to. And even if didn't.

Jenna sighed, the silence making her culpability rise into her chest. She even felt bad keeping it from Tyler, because she knew he only wanted to help her.

I mean, she gave him an opportunity to hurt her right when she agreed to go with him somewhere. But instead of taking her into a dark bedroom at a party, he took her to a lake where they could talk freely. She wanted to talk freely with him, but holding things inside made it difficult. She needed to talk to someone.

"About a year ago," Jenna began, the weight lifting off her shoulders immediately, but soon it was replaced with an anxious weight. It was overwhelming. "I went to a party." She paused, gaining her confidence to speak once again. "And there was a lot of people. And... I got hurt." Jenna shrugged. That was all she was willing to say right now. It at least made her feel better.

She got hurt bad. She lost everything that night. Blood, sanity, and virginity. After that night she vowed to never accept an offer of a drink. If she wanted to drink she'll get it herself.

Tyler gulped, licking his lips because they suddenly felt dry. "You got hurt?" He said quietly.

"Yes." She replied shortly. Noticing her sudden disinterest on the topic at hand, Tyler only nodded.

Changing the subject on something so serious was almost always forbidden. It mostly made the person feel worse; uncared for. This was not one of those times. Tyler knew that if he didn't change the subject it'll just get awkward.

He laid himself on his side, his elbow propping himself up; facing Jenna. "Cheeto puffs or original Cheetos?" He asked, replacing the serious aura to a silly one.

Jenna snorted out a laugh at his question. "What? Really?"

"What? I'm a curious guy." He chuckled.

"Okay... normal Cheetos. The ones that are like — I don't know— small fingers." She described, making Tyler burst into laughter.

"Woah, okay. Violent much?"

"What? You asked!" Jenna defended, and Tyler laughed even more.

"Alright, alright. I agree. The small finger Cheetos are the best." He rolled his eyes.

Jenna let out one final laugh until it fell silent again. Tyler laid on his back once more, gazing at the stars. This was a comfortable silence, so they both allowed it to join them.

The only sound that could be heard was the occasional ruffle of the Lake's small waves—probably from a fish,— and the constant clickering of the crickets.

Tyler enjoyed them, and closed his eyes. The clickering of the crickets continued as a new sound entered the world. It wasn't exactly new, but it wasn't nature.

Jenna's phone was buzzing beside her, making her quickly check it. It was her mom, and she sighed.

"My mom is probably really worried right now." She let out a humorless laugh.

"Yeah. You should take it." Tyler nodded, looking away as some sort of privacy for the girl, even though he was literally right beside her.

"Hello?" Jenna's eyes immediately furrowed. "Are you oka-... no I'm with Tyler he took me somewhere... okay... Yeah... I'll be back as soon as I can." Jenna hung up the phone, taking in a deep stressed breath before shaking her head.

"What is it?" Tyler asked curiously.

"She wouldn't tell me. But she said I had to be home quick because we had to talk." She shrugged, but it was obvious she was nervous.

Tyler didn't hesitate to stand, quickly gathering the blanket and heading back to the truck, Jenna following close behind.

"What do you think it's about?" Tyler asked as they hopped into his truck.

"Not sure, but she was sniffling. It sounded like she was crying." Jenna let out a sigh of distress, as she massaged her forehead.

Tyler quickly began out of the small pathway of the woods, his eyes furrowed in concentration to get her home quickly.

"Where do you live?" He asked, and Jenna placed her phone up on the dashboard for Tyler to look at. They only ever really worked together, they've never been to each others houses.

He followed the map, both of them silent. "I hope everything's okay." Jenna spoke with worry in her voice.

"Everything is probably fine, Jen." Tyler assured as he pulled into her driveway.

Jenna hesitated with the door handle before finally opening the car and stepping out. She peered into the car from the open window. "Thank you for this, Ty. You really helped me."

Tyler nodded, trying to hide his smile from the nickname. This was a serious time.

As she walked inside, he let the smile escape to his lips.

Ty

If feeling used and thrown away wasn't enough to be sad, then this definitely was.

Her brother died.

ಠ_ಠ

I know this story has a lot of holes in it, that's because it's apart of a chapter book I'm writing. I just really loved the writing in this chapter so decided to post it on the imagines too.

I haven't posted the book on wattpad yet. I'm going to whenever I finish the book completely.