Is it Love or just an act of Compassion?.
I pitied him, I comforted him, I listened to him, I understood him.
These emotions were real, but what are these feelings for? What if that person has gotten better? What if he's now different from before?
Would I still love him?
Love and Compassion are the same in many ways, the act of caring for someone, the concern, the comfort. It's all the same.
But what if I just got confused about the two and let myself believe that I love him because I pitied, comforted and being compassionate towards him.
I believe I loved him because I felt the need of that person, I felt his loneliness, I felt his difficulties, most especially, I waited for him because I want to see him grow, change and become the person that he needs to be.
I was so happy knowing that he's now a completely changed person and the feelings back then will be gone for sure.
Khael kissed me sincerely that night, I got goosebumps all over my body, my heart beat raced so fast, really? Yung first crush ko noon, siya na nag momove sa akin ngayon, he became a man na talaga. He's so sincere.
"I'm sorry for doing this Aika, but I really wanted to do this and finally I did it after how many times I tried."
After the kiss, I want to talk about something para hindi naman awkward yung feeling lalo na't kami nalang dalawa sa campus ang naiiwan.
"So where's Chris? Hindi ba niya ako hinanap after the dance?"
"He thought umuwi kana, he asked me kung nasaan ka, and I told him na umuwi kana"
"Siguro nga mas mabuti nang hindi ko muna siya makita, super sakit Khael, I don't know how to describe the feeling, you know most kung gaano ako naghintay at umasa."
"You don't deserve that kind of shit! I knew it, since 2009, you don't deserve that guy!"
Khael was so angry, I felt it.
"Baka hinahanap kana sa inyo, hatid na kita" Khael said
"Sure, Thank you."
Those hour wala nang bus na nagbyabyahe, so I told Mikhael to go home and just let me go home alone kasi baka pati siya hinahanap na din.
"Never! I'll never make a single step"
"So paano tayo uuwi?"
Suddenly, isang kotse ang papalapit sa amin, mabuti nalang yung isang batchmate namin nakita kami at ihinatid na pauwi.
I got home very tired, I didn't even wash and remove my shoes, I slept doon living room, sa couch.
I slept at 4:30 AM, it was not the event that made me exhausted but the truth. The truth that Chris and I will never be together, he's already taken.
Sabi nga kanta ng I belong to the zoo "Sana sinabi mo, para dina umasang may tayo pa sa huli, sana sinabi mo, hahayaan naman kitang umalis"
Sana nalaman ko ng mas maaga, sa gabing iyon, umasa akong ayun na yung chance, doon na masasagot lahat ng question marks.
My phone rang loudly, dahil super puyat pati alarm hindi na napansin, trice na palang nagring yung phone ko, the fourth time, I woke up, it's 8:00 in the morning.
As I go up from the bed, biglang nag ring ulit yung phone ko, it was a call from Darlene
I answered with a very low voice, as in sumasakit yung ulo ko sa sobrang pagod at puyat.
"Hello bes, ang aga naman, parang hindi puyat ha"
"Naku bes, anong maaga, alas otso na, 8:30 yung outing natin"
"Huh? Anong outing?"
"Ay oo pala, wala ka nung nagmeeting kami kagabi about sa outing, where were you ba? Umuwi din ako na di ka kasama, nauna kabang umuwi?"
"Uhm oo bes, umuwi na ako dahil sa sama ng loob ko"
I lied to Darlene.
"Okay sige bes, prepare kana, mauna ako sayo ha? May kailangan pa kasi akong bilhin, see you nalang sa resort."
"Okay sige bes, ingat, see you!"
I realized, magkasama pala kami ni Khael kagabi so even him hindi alam na may planned outing pala.
I want to tell him pero may announcement na pala sa group chat.
What if tulog pa yun dahil puyat din.
I cooked my breakfast with a lot of soup, gusto ko talagang magising (sa katotohanan) ang mga ugat ugat para maenjoy ko itong araw na to.
Habang ako'y nagbibihis, someone parked a car outside the house, I thought it was a visitor of mama or papa, I was looking through my window pero walang taong lumalabas
As I finished dolling up, I went out to check, nasa door palang ako nang biglang lumabas ang isang lalake, He was wearing a black sunglass, wearing a short, polo shirt partnered with white Nike shoes. His hands were inside his pockets and started to walk towards me.
It was Chris! I am trying to make myself calm and composed. I don't want to stress myself that early kaya I just act normally and entertained him.
"Hai, anong ginagawa mo dito?" I asked
"Sinusundo ka, tara sakay kana" napaka ganda parin talaga ng kanyang mga ngiti but I don't want to be swayed by it again.
"Uhm, no it's okay, magcocommute ako"
"Please? I want to give you something" he said.
Maybe here's my chance to ask him directly about that issue, so hindi na ako tumanggi and I sat beside him.
As he began to drive, there were a complete silence, as the ambience became weird for both of us, he played a music entitled "Aking Pagmamahal" it was really an old song, naririnig ko na yung song since high school pa kami.
It's modern day already pero napaka old ng choice of song niya, I'm sure he did that with a purpose.
That song reminded me of the past, when we were young, it was also the song he wrote in my slum notes, it's his favorite song.
He then started talking...
"Aika, naalala mo nung debut mo? I went there, I was there, I saw you became a lady, you were so beautiful that night, I fell in-love with you even more"
In my thoughts, ilang event na ba ng buhay ko ang napuntahan niya na hindi ko alam? Ilang beses na ba siyang nagtago sa akin? I'm getting more disappointed sa mga sinasabi niya.
I wasn't answering him, nakatingin lang ako sa daan habang halatang may disappointment sa mukha.
"I saw you dance with Khael, you both danced intensely, I saw him look at you sincerely, naisip ko, baka hindi mo na ako nahintay at nag-entertain kana ng iba, and that time wala pa akong maipagmamalaki sa'yo, ganun parin ang buhay ko, magulo at di alam kung saan tutungo, so hindi na ako lumapit"
I wasn't talking to him and just let him talk.
"I asked Darlene last night kung may relasyon kayo, and she said hindi niya alam, for sure your best friend knows everything about you, kaya I'm glad hindi niya alam, that means walang something sa inyo. I'm glad wala"
At dahil parang ako pa yung lumalabas na lumalandi sa iba, hindi ko na nga napigilang mag tanong sa kanya...
"How 'bout you Chris? are you dating someone already? Are you being honest with me all this time?"
"Oo naman, it was and will always be you"
I suddenly asked him to stop the car, gusto ko nang bumaba, para na akong mababaliw sa mga naririnig ko, I don't know if he was telling the truth or he's trying to bring back everything with a lie.
He stopped the car...
I was about the open the door when he held my hand and asked me to tell him kung mahal ko parin ba siya.
I tried to remove his hands but I don't have the energy, lalo akong nanghihina sa mga nangyayaye. Hindi ko na talaga alam kung kanino ako maniniwala
It was Darlene and Khael who told me that Chris was already taken but here comes Chris denying all of it and making me fall for him again.
"Please bigyan ulit natin ng chance yung nakaraan, I'm sorry for everything Faye, I'm really sorry for not showing up even once, I'm sorry dahil hindi ako nagparamdam, sobrang nanliliit lang ako sa sarili ko"
"No! everything you are saying leads to nothing but selfishness!, alam mo yun? You knew I was looking for you the whole time but you did nothing but hide and hide, ngayong nasa itaas kana, babalik ka at sasabihin sa aking ibalik natin ang lahat, are you proud of yourself? napaka selfish mo!"
" I know may girlfriend kana! So please! Do not be selfish this time at aminin mo na ang totoo"
I told him everything I know with a high voice, talagang galit ako, I want to blame him for everything and I want him to feel sorry for me and tell the truth.
"Let's talk Aika please"
"Well! We're already talking! Nakakaintindi ka ba? I am already talking but you weren't! you always hide! until now you're still hiding."
I shut the car's door close. I left him and started walking with tears falling again from my eyes, I can see the car behind me, driving slowly and following me.
That time, I called Khael para sunduin ako.
I waited a minute sa isang station while the car was still behind me.
Not long after, Khael was walking towards me
Malapit na pala yung resort sa may station kung saan ako nag stop.
We both walked a bit until narating namin yung resort
He gave a bottle of water to calm down, some of my classmates are not there, but they're on their way so we ate sa isang cottage.
It felt so warm and comforting, eating with him, talking with him and just being with him.
Not long after......
Chris came and he walked towards us.