DOUBLE UPDATE!!! because the stupid girls took so long on the last one =_=
LOVE YOU GUYS!
Stand Up
"I'm gonna miss you!" Katie cries into my shoulder as I hug her.
"I'm gonna miss you, too! Maybe you guys can come meet up with us!" I comfort.
We are back in the Kahului airport, heading back to the LA. We have a show in Phoenix tomorrow so we ware forced to take the red-eye back to California and then drive to Arizona. I don't know why management isn't smart enough to just have the bus meet us in Phoenix and we could fly straight there, but whatever.
Anyways, we are saying our goodbyes to Katie and Annie. Aunty Liz had to go to work, so we already said bye to her.
"Yeah! That sounds great! Name the time and place!" she says as excitedly as she can muster.
I pull back to look at her in the face. "It's a deal."
She smiles widely at me and we say our final words before we have to get to our plane. Gen and Annie are giving each other dramatic goodbyes, so I am forced to physically pull them apart. Just as I think I have them separated for good, Niall comes over to the two of them.
"Hey, girls, ya didn't forget 'bout me, now did ya?!"
Come on, Niall!
I sit there with my hands on my hips as they squeal and wrap their arms around him, together.
Once they finally release, I give Niall a dirty glare, to which he shrugs with a slightly frightened expression. Rolling my eyes with a scoff, I turn in the opposite direction towards the terminals, grabbing Hailee's hand in my free one on the way.
"Boys and Gen! The plane will be leaving without you and I'm not stopping it!" I call out, not bothering to turn around to face them.
"Hey, are you okay?" Hailee asks as she falls into step with me.
I exhale heavily. "I'm fine. Saying goodbye to them is always just really hard and with everything else going on, I'm just a little overwhelmed."
"Oh... I guess that makes enough sense. Have you talked to Liam?" she asks, worried.
"No. I actually talked to Louis, though," I huff.
"Really?!"
"Yeah. The night of the concert."
I noticed her nod in understanding quietly, beside me. She hasn't asked me about that night yet, but I know she is dying to. She probably figured I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
She's right. I just want to pretend it never happened.
"So... does that mean you're going to tell me what happened?" she urges.
"Well, nothing really. He said stuff about being sorry and still loving me and just all of that. I wasn't having it though."
She breathes a deep sigh. "Why not?"
I know she is growing frustrated with the situation, but I'm just not ready to go back to Louis.
"I just can't. Not yet, at least."
"Well, will you at least talk to Liam while you wait? Between the three of you, things are getting really awkward around here."
"Ugh! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for all of this to happen!" I admit, frustrated. "It's not my fault I fell in love with the wrong guy!"
"Louis is the 'wrong guy'?"
"Okay, well, not necessarily 'wrong guy'. Just wrong circumstances, I guess..." I trail off, quietly.
She rubs the back of my palm with her thumb, our hands still intertwined. Yeah, I know it may be weird. But it's not in any romantic way. We're just close like that. We are getting some pretty judgmental looks, but we don't care; we never do. Plus, I really need her hand, right now.
I squeeze her hand tighter in response, sending her a grateful side-smile for the comforting gesture.
"Wait up, girls!" Harry's voice sounds through the main passageway of the airport from behind.
We both look back over our shoulders to see five panting boys running after us; one blonde one sporting an interesting new style called Gen on his back.
I roll my eyes and laugh at their faces, Hailee doing the same.
"Well hurry up, you slow pokes!" Hailee laughs.
Harry comes up behind us and wraps his arm around her waist, placing a kiss against her temple. They are a 'public couple' now, so they're free to do so whenever they please. Luckily, aside from a few looks of recognition, they go unnoticed in the quiet airport.
My heart aches for when that was Louis doing the same to me. I look to my side to see said blue-eyed boy; his eyes holding a similar expression as he takes in the happy couple before us.
When he finally tears his gaze from the two, his eyes land on mine, noticing my staring. I quickly avert my gaze down to the ground, focusing on keeping Hailee and I's steps perfectly in sync, but it's enough to hide the embarrassed blush creeping up my cheeks and my eyes from growing hot.
Luckily, we are soon in front of the terminal entrance. I look down at my ticket.
Seat 4C
"Hey, Hails, what seat are you?"
"Uhh..." she trails off, steading her suitcase in her far hand before reaching into her back pocket for her ticket. "6B."
I groan. She's two rows behind me on the opposite side. Not beside me where I desperately need her to be.
"Dammit. I'm 4C."
"Who's 4D?"
"I don't know," I mumble as I watch the boys go forward to hand the lady their ticket before boarding. "One of the boys, I guess. I just really hope it's not Louis. I cannot take five hours forcibly sat beside him, right now."
"Don't worry, babe. We will make it work. I'll switch with you or something if anything happens."
"Thanks," I mumble. She smiles softly at me before we walk up to the check-in desk to do the same as the boys did and hand in our tickets which forces us to finally tear our hands apart.
After the woman clears for us to board, Hailee and I walk down the metal hallway, our suitcases clicking against the divots in the ground as we go.
We enter and shuffle down the narrow aisle, keeping our eyes on the seat labels below the over-head compartment.
2... 3... 4C!
I find the corresponding inscription to that of my plane ticket and look down to see Liam sitting in the window seat. AKA, 4D.
Great. This could possibly be worse than Louis.
Nevertheless, I smile awkwardly and reach up to open the over-head compartment.
"Here, let me--" Liam begins, sitting up off his seat slightly before I stop him.
"No. Thanks. I got it," I shoot back, slightly harsher than I intended to. He gives a small nod before returning to fully sit in his seat once again.
Once my bag is securely placed on the shelf, I close the door to the full compartment and plop down in my seat beside Liam.
We both sit there awkwardly, waiting as people finish shuffling around the cabin to their respected seats.
I take the opportunity to look around to see where everyone is.
Hailee is, as expected, seated in the opposite aisle row two rows behind us, Harry sat beside her. Of course they would get that lucky.
Directly behind us is Gen and Niall who are chatting away excitedly. Gen must have said something funny, because Niall was just about dying of laughter. Then again, for all I knew, maybe she just sneezed or something. It doesn't take much to make Niall laugh.
One time on the bus, it was just him and I sitting on the couches while the rest of the boys were in their bunks. We were literally just sitting their in a comfortable silence, when he burst out into uncontrollable laughter.
He couldn't even breath long enough to answer me when I asked what was so funny. To this day, I still have no idea what had set him of.
I would pay money to see what went on in that boy's head.
Directly across from the idiot twins are Zayn... and Louis... who is staring directly at me from his aisle seat. Even when it is clear I'm aware of his staring, he makes no move to look away. So, I do, returning my gaze to my lap.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Stunned by the sudden voice, I look up to find Liam looking directly at me, an apologetic smile on his lips.
"No. I'm fine," I mumble awkwardly.
"Look, Aves--" he begins as he turns in his seat to face me fully. I know where this is going.
"Stop. Liam, I don't know what you were thinking, and I don't think I want to. So just, leave it," I say sternly, getting frustrated with the amount of awkward positions I am continually being put in.
"Aves, I just wanted to apologize," he begs, and I allow myself to look up to meet his gaze, silently urging him to continue, but not going as far to fully accept that I am willing to listen to him.
He seems to take notice as he continues, "I know I shouldn't have said and done what I did, and I know that you are in a complicated position as far as Louis is concerned. I just--I don't know. I just had to. And you kissed me back, so I know on some level there is something in you that feels for me, too."
"No, Liam, there isn't. I do love you, as a good friend and a brother. But... not in the way I feel about Louis--the way you feel about me. And I am so sorry for that, but I just feel like I should be honest with both you and myself on this," I finish, bluntly. I have reached my limit on emotional stress and I'm nearing dangerously close to a breakdown if I don't start trying to reign it in. Not to mention, there are no blades on this plane, so I'm screwed if I find myself in need of one.
Yes. I have cut a few times since Louis and I broke up.
Yes. I have relapsed.
However, I don't even have the emotion capacity to care, at the moment.
I just need it--for now. I need that emotional release and escape from all that is going on. I can think about quitting again when it's all over, but as of now, it's all I have to keep me afloat.
Liam sucks in a shaky breath, but I don't feel the wave of guilt I normally would have for making him upset. I am just done and tired of this emotional strain these boys have taken on me.
I'm dying without Louis beside me, and I'm not available for Liam to come in trying to fill his place. He isn't there to replace him. He couldn't, and I don't want him to. I don't want him. Not that way, at least...
All I want is Louis, but I'm still too stubborn and hurt to admit it to anyone. I am just beginning to admit it to myself.
Before he can bring himself from the internal debate he is having inside his head enough to respond, I sigh frustratedly and unbuckle my seatbelt, heading for the bathroom.
As I stand up in the aisle, I catch Hailee's concerned gaze.
'Are you okay?' she mouths to me.
I shake my head exasperatedly, giving her the 'I don't even know, anymore' look that I know she'll understand.
She gives me a sympathetic look before I turn to walk to the bathroom.
It isn't until now that I realize that at some point between Liam and I's discussion, we had taken off, and are now flying through the clouds.
As soon as I have a grip of the handle, I shove it open--slightly too violently--and push my way into the small cubicle. I shut the sliding door behind me and lock it.
My hands reach up and push back the hair that has fallen in my face.
What I would give for a razor right now.
I close my eyes and begin to splash my face with water in the small sink. My head is spinning. I can feel myself falling apart and I know I won't be able hold it together for much longer.
After a minute or two of staring blankly at the drain, I force myself down the aisle back to my seat. I can't hold myself back from chancing a haste glance towards Louis. All that does for me is give me a churning feeling in my stomach.
I quickly avert my eyes away from him in hopes to dispel the horrible feeling as fast as it appeared. When my eyes find my empty seat, Hailee is sat in the place previously held by Liam.
Without needing me to say anything, she says warmly, "I told Liam to go sit over with Harry. You looked like you needed a friend."
Her words are all it takes for me to collapse back into my seat and pull her towards me in a hug. I grasp for her tightly, feeling myself finally tearing to pieces. My eyes well up with tears and I begin to cry into her shoulder while she remains silent, allowing me to simply lean on her, as she knows I need it.
I fall asleep as I cry in her lap.
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Once we land in LA, we say goodbye to Genny, who is staying home--despite her protests--and hop on the bus.
I hardly say a word to anyone as we begin our trek to Phoenix. Letting it all out with Hailee helped the spinning in my head. Now, I'm just exhausted.
Eventually, we reach our destination and set off in the preparation for tonight's show.
I go through the motions, mindlessly. I get my job done, and that's it.
The next day we are heading out to my family's house in Lake Havasu, which is only about an hour away from here, for our last stretch of vacation till we hit the east coast.
I'm hoping a few days relaxing in the sun with my friends will loosen me up.
Because I've officially reached a point where I am just... numb.