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Use Somebody (Cover)
Don't kill the butterfly.
I can't kill him. I'd be killing Louis. I'd be killing Gen, my mom, my entire family that are only a few yards away.
But Brad is with them. He is there and he has them wrapped around his finger. I'm alone again. I can't do this alone.
I try and take a deep breath and push the internal conflict away for a second. That's all I need; a second.
Luckily, my grandpa still keeps a toolbox in the barn. The blade feels cool against my wrist as I tear the warm skin.
Across the road, not down the river.
I just need a break--not an end. Not yet.
As I pull the metal strip across the wings of the butterfly of everyone who cares about me--who doesn't want me to be doing this--I feel a wave of relief fall over me, sending a tingling sensation through my head that releases all the pain and tension my brain has built up. I breathe in a shaky breath. The tangles in my head slowly seem to unweave themselves and stop the spinning for that moment.
The warm blood trickles down my arm and I rest my head against the hay barrels I'm sat in front of. I look up and see Kobe staring at me from his stall, before I quickly look down again, hiding from even his scrutinizing gaze.
The tears fall down in streams as the release dwindles, pressure building back up quickly. Two will be enough, right? Then I will be good. Two is all I need to hold myself together, however ironic that is.
I skillfully begin sliding the blade across my butterfly, in a different spot, once again, slowly relishing in the pain, feeling my heart beat faster as it rushes blood to my wrist to clot the gushing wound.
It's the best bitter-sweet feeling.
When I'm about half-way across, I hear someone through the thumps of my heart beating in my ears.
"Avery!"
It's Louis. Before I even have time to panic, though, he is standing in the doorway, tears running down his face.
"Avery! No, baby, please, don't. Please, I love you. You don't need to go through this again. I'm here now. You don't need this," he cries as he walks over to cradle me in his arms after he takes the blade and tosses it away from us.
"No!" I screech and attempt to reach for the blade. "No, get away from me!" I cry hysterically.
Hurt flashes across his eyes at my rejection, but I can't help it. He doesn't understand. No one does.
"Avery! Stop! Hun, you need to let me help you!" he cries with me. I can't look at him, though. I can't look into his eyes and admit he's right. I just need the pain.
When he notices I'm no longer fighting back, he sits down beside me and pulls me into his lap.
I just cry in his arms and stare down at my bloody wrist. I want to finish the second cut. Even with Louis here, Brad is too much even for him to take away. Not only did the memories come rushing back into focus, but he took those memories and all they caused and shoved them in my face like a disgrace.
"I want to finish. Please, Louis," I cry into him.
I hear him start to sob harder against me.
"No. No, baby. You can't. Please," he pleads and kisses the top of my head.
"It feels awful. I want to die, Louis. I don't want to be here anymore," I hiccup into his chest.
He squeezes me harder and his cries become even more distinctive.
"Don't leave me. I can't let you leave me. I love you so much," he whispers. "Please."
"He--the memories... I can't!" I sob.
This time, he doesn't argue. He just holds me tight as we both cry hysterically on the barn floor--me cradling my dripping arm against my chest.
"Avery?" I hear a voice say softly.
I look up and feel like throwing up when I see my entire family standing by the doorway watching me. In the front--Gen. I didn't want her to find out more than anyone, and now she has a front row show.
I ignore her and hide my head in Louis' chest. They can't see me like this, but I cut pretty close to my veins and I don't want to risk running away.
My mind isn't working enough for a plan to work itself out. It's clouded and hazy. It feels familiar.
"Avery?" the same voice questions. I nuzzle my head in Louis' neck. "Louis?"
Louis gasps for a breath through his tears before calmly saying, "Hi, everyone. What did you see?"
"Avery, don't leave," Gen says, ignoring, yet answering, Louis' question. "I don't want you to go."
"Why did you do this to yourself? What's going on?" Cole asks as he gets increasingly choked up. Seeing him so upset over me makes me feel sick.
"I'm sorry."
Louis, obviously sensing my situation isn't something I can handle on my own, looks to me in silent question. I nod and lean back into him on his lap.
It needs to be said. There's no avoiding it.
"I became depressed in high school. I started cutting myself. I--I attempted suicide, at one point," I say, all in one breath, obviously just wanting to get to the point and get it over with. Hearing all the gasps, I continue, my voice breaking. "Brad abused and tormented me. He dumped me when he found me cutting, saying I couldn't damage myself, saying that I belonged to him, and he didn't want anything that was broken."
I'm sad and tired and want to be anywhere else right now. Saying everything aloud to everyone feels like it's all happening over again. I grip Louis' shirt between my fingers harder, sobbing relentlessly on his white t-shirt and leaving tear stains across the fabric.
"Bull!"
I shoot up when I hear the familiar voice shout at me. Cole.
"She isn't lying!"Louis defends me, sounding baffled.
"That's bullshit! We have known Brad for years. He's practically part of the family! You want us to believe that he was abusing Avery that entire time?! We would have known! She would have told someone! She wouldn't have taken it! Just because they broke up doesn't mean it happened like that! What, did you threaten her to say that?! And just because you are jealous of Brad, don't try to pin this on him! We don't even know you! You're the reason Avery is bleeding! You are the reason for the scars on her skin!" he screams through livid tears.
His words make me suck in a breath, catching me completely off guard.
"I would never do anything like that to Avery! Aren't you the least-bit concerned for someone in your family who didn't want to live anymore?!" Louis screams back at him, tears in his eyes.
I hate this. I don't want them going at each other like this. I know I should be standing up for Louis, or trying to straighten the story for Cole. That Louis is in fact right. But all I can do is clutch onto Louis like my life depends on it. In a way, it does.
"You know what?! I'm done listening to this! Get away from my cousin!" Cole screams. I still don't look up until I hear his footsteps right beside us. I feel Louis being pulled from under me. That's when shit gets real.
"Get your hands off of me!" Louis screams as he shoved Cole away from him, breaking his grip on Louis' shirt.
I look over at my family for help, but they all look frozen as well. I see the boys with the same expression. Looks like it's just me.
Just as Cole winds up for a punch, I yell hysterically, "Stop!"
He pauses his fist in the air, probably due to shock that I'm actually saying something.
"No! Stop! Louis would never do something like this!" I cry in desperation. I grab Louis' hand and pull him back to me. No matter how much I would like to actually be strong in this situation, I know I need Louis to be able to get through this. I'm not near as strong as I want to be.
He grabs a hold of my waist as I wrap my arms around his torso, holding him tight.
"What?!" Cole breathes.
"It's all true about Brad," I say, barely above a whisper. "Louis, can we go?" I look up to him desperately.
I don't want to deal with this right now. I just want to escape. If I can't use a blade, I can use Louis. They're the only things in the world that can help.
"Yeah, baby, let's get out of here," he mumbles against the top of my head.
Without another word we walk out the back barn door and head down to the car in the front yard. We both remain silent all the way to the car.
He takes my hand and we drive away, never looking back.