Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and a loss of interest. It affects how you feel, interact and think. It can lead up to a variety of emotional and physical problems.
A lot of people live with depression from day to day. They learn to deal with their complicated emotions and usually take anti-depressants for that extra boost in their behavior.
Then there are people who can't learn to live with it. Whether they don't want to or they don't know how to, it usually doesn't end good for them. The tricky thing about these people is that most of the time the people around them don't even realize that they are fighting a mental battle. The people closest to them don't see that the person they love is busy losing hope each second that passes by. They don't notice the danger the other person is in.
Until it's too late.
The mind can change into your own personalized hell in a matter of time.
Thoughts that never occurred to you suddenly makes their way into your mind and you can try anything in your power to get rid of them but they never go away. Your mind tricks you into believing that you aren't good enough. It makes you believe that the people around you will be better off without you. Sure they'll miss you but they'll only be sad for a little while. Before you know it your life is tearing by the seam and you're the one causing the action.
It's easy to think about just ending the pain by taking your life but what most of these people don't realize is that someone is eventually going to walk in on them and will have to witness a person who lost their own mental battle. They forget that not only are they taking away their ability to live but they are hurting the people around them by giving up.
Unfortunately for my sister depression won the fight which lead to her taking her own life. I was the one to witness my sister's defeat. I don't think I'll ever forget the hurt I saw on her face before she pulled the trigger.
I did a good job at hiding my past when I started with college. I finally got the opportunity to start over. To meet new people without them knowing the shit I went through. It was nice being surrounded by people who didn't treat me differently because of what happened. I liked being separated from my past but now mom just had to go and ruin it.
Looking back up at Tyler and Emily's surprised and confused expressions I mentally curse mom before sighing and sitting down on my bed next to them. Mom made a quick move to dissappear after she dropped the bombshell in front of my friends so that she isn't the one to explain.
It's childish really. She knew I was trying to break free from my past and turn over a page but with her I can never forget. She reminds me every time when she looks at me.
" A-Ally -" Emily whispers in a shaky voice. She tries to reach out for my hand but I quickly pull mine away.
I notice sympathy creeping in over Tyler and Emily's faces. I'm not surprised by it but I really hate it when people look at me as if I'm a lost puppy.
" My sister took her life. That's all there is to say about that. Can we please just drop it?"
Tyler and Emily stare back at me with shock. They're probably wondering how easily I just brushed it off but in all honesty I'm just trying to cope with the fact that reality came barging back in.
" Ally-" Tyler starts but I cut him off with the raise of my hand.
" People commit suicide. It happens. Now can we drop it." I state while starting to shiver.
My sister's suicide has always been my weakness. It's as if my walls come tumbling down as soon as someone mentions something about her death. I don't want to cry in front of Emily and Tyler. I want to be that strong and independent person they have learned to deal with. Not a little girl who lost her better half.
" How can you be so heartless over the fact that your sister died?" Tyler questions after a few seconds of silence.
Heartless. That's what most people picture me out to be. I'm not heartless. I've just dealt with so much pain at once that my heart is struggling to point out the diffrence between being sad and happy. It's a never ending cycle of mixed up emotions.
" A-Ally." Emily sniffs. I notice the tears running down her face. She's crying for my part seeing as I'm being too damn stubborn with my emotions to be honest with the people who are only trying to help me.
" We can talk about it tomorrow." I shrug.
Stop being so damn stubborn and open the fuck up.
Tyler looks irritated by my choice of words. His irritation quickly turns into anger. He has a sister too so I can understand why he is upset with me.
" You're sister's death isn't something to postpone on Ally. Why didn't you tell us anything? Why -"
" BECAUSE I'M THE REASON SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!" I cry out.
It's weird how I can actually feel my walls breaking down. The tears running down my face is a clear sign of defeat. There is no hiding my scars anymore. I'm vulnerable now.
The room is pin-drop silent. No one mutters a word. I can only hear the breathing coming from the two who are now standing in front of me. Emily is trying her hardest to hold in her sobs while trying to process what I just said. Tyler is clenching his teeth, probably trying to prevent himself from freaking out on me.
" It's my fault." I whisper more to myself than anyone else.
A sob finally leaves my body and I begin to shake as I break down once again. I sit and cry with my head in my palms for what feels like hours before I feel the mattress dip beside me from the weight being placed on it. Strong arms wrap around me and force me to drown in their warmth. I feel another pair of arms hold onto me and I don't dare move away. I need them right now. I need them to hold me up before I go down the same road as my sister did due to the guilt that is eating me alive. I need them to not blame me for not noticing anything. I just need them to be my moral support.
I eventually explained what happened that day to Tyler and Emily. I just felt they needed to know what happened after witnessing the affects Maddie's death had on me. More tears were shed between Emily and me while Tyler sat still and silently took in the information.
It felt good to finally get everything off my chest. Tyler and Emily both understand that I don't want them to feel sorry for me and I don't want them to treat me differently. After talking for a little while Tyler went back to his room and Emily and I fell asleep.
The next day I did everything in my power to ignore my mom. She had no right to throw my sister's death in my friend's faces and then disappear right after it. I took Emily and Tyler around town and showed them all the touristy spots in town.
On Saturday we were barley home. Emily insisted on doing retail therapy and Tyler was forced to tag along. He wasn't happy about it but he knew he didn't have much of a choice. We later on stopped by at a house party one of my old high school friends were hosting. We actually had a really good time.
Finally Sunday came and we were all busy gathering our belongings to head back to campus. I was more than happy to get away from this town as soon as possible. Nothing good ever happens here.
" Ally." I hear my mom call from her room.
She's lost her mind if she thinks I'm in the mood for a chit chat with her. I just want to get away from this house and forget about this weekend. It was fun the first day but after that there was a clear tension in the atmosphere.
" Ally!" mom calls again.
I release a breath before bracing myself to deal with my mother. I walk over to my mom's room and enter without knocking.
" What?" I question as I step inside.
" You're dad is in town. He wants to see you." she states.
Now he wants to see me? After ignoring me for weeks and still being ignored he finally wants to see me. How considerate.
" He can leave a message. Wait- he's incapable of doing so. Oh well. Better luck next time. " I sweetly smile and head for the door to exit the room.
" Allison he's your father." mom stops me in my step.
" And I'm still your daughter but you guys seem to keep forgetting that. " I spit out in venom.
Mom takes a few breaths to calm herself down before exploding on my head.
" Just give him a chance. He feels bad about how things went down-"
" I can't believe you're actually making up excuses for his behavior. "I chuckle in disbelief.
Just as I think I've figured out my mom she does the next best thing to send me back to square one.
" I'm not making up excuses. He really does feel bad. " mom pleads.
" If he feels so fucking bad about abandoning me why hasn't he tried to contact me yet? Why hasn't he shown up or even made the slightest effort to be there for me? He can't expect me to jump each time he remembers that he still has a daughter!"
Mom looks startled at my outburst. This weekend is full of surprises.
" He didn't forget-"
I don't give mom the chance to finish her sentence as I walk out of the room and slam her door shut. It's pathetic that she's trying to make him the good guy again. He already left me once when I needed him to be there for me. How can I be sure he won't up and leave when things get complicated?
I walk down the passage and stop in front of the room Tyler was sleeping in. I place my head against the door and finally let out a breath I was holding in. Taking slow and steady breaths I knock on the door and wait for Tyler to open it.
" Hey." Tyler breathes once he opens the door.
I don't say anything as I walk straight into his arms. As if on instinct he wraps his arms around my body and leads me into the room.
" What happened?" he whispers into my ear after a minute of me wrapped up in his arms.
" My mom's just being a bitch like usual." I state and feel his chest vibrate from him chuckling.
" Don't worry, we'll be out here soon." he reassures me.
" I don't want to come back." I say truthfully.
It might sound crazy but this house haunts my thoughts. My sister died in this house, my parents started forgetting about me and then they settled on a divorce. There is nothing good about this house. It's just filled with memories that created the messed up part of my life.
" You don't have to."
" That's easy to say." I chuckle and finally free myself from his protective grip around me.
Tyler looks down at me with a serious expression on his face. He studies my face before lowering his gaze to my lips. Licking his bottom lip he finally lowers down and lays down a soft kiss on my lips. I savor the few seconds before his lips leave mine out in the cold.
" I'm serious. You don't have to come back soon."
" Until Christmas break." I sigh.
Mom will lose her shit if I ditch Christmas with her and the family and besides I don't want to be on campus alone when all the students are with their family's back home.
" You're coming with me for Christmas break." Tyler states.
" And just when did I agree on this?" I laugh.
" When you dragged me down here for Thanksgiving." Tyler shrugs.
" You have a fair point." I nod in agreement.
I did promise Tyler's family that I'll be back for another visit.
" Won't I be intruding?" I ask hesitantly.
Christmas is all about coming together with family and spending time with each other just before the new year starts and everyone is busy with their own lives. I don't want to feel like the odd wheel coming in between his family.
" What are you talking about? My family adores you. I think they might like you more than me." Tyler rolls his eyes.
It makes my heart flutter to know that his family feels that way about me.
" Guess you're stuck with me then." I wink and playfully punch him in the shoulder.
He catches my fist and untangles my fingers to fold his around mine. He brings up our hands and lays down a soft kiss on the outside of my hand.
" You'll never hear me complain about spending time with you." he whispers.
Cue the cringe but swooning moment.
Tyler Anderson, what are you doing to me?
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Thank you anna1480 for the beautiful cover above ð
Please feel free to ask any questions ð
Peace out âï¸