**TRIGGER WARNING!!!
The following chapter might trigger some of you who are more emotional than others. Please don't read the following chapter if you get triggered easily. You won't miss out on important details as I will lightly explain what happened throughout the next few chapters. Once again please do not read if you get triggered easily â¤ï¸
* Flashback *
I woke up this morning feeling a little excited for the day ahead.
My first day of senior year.
As quickly as my feet could carry me I went into my bathroom and started getting ready for the day.
It's going to be a good day.
I hear mom yelling from Maddie's room. She always struggles to get Maddie out of bed. I on the other hand can't sleep after my alarm wakes me up.
I laugh at the thought of mom dragging my twin sister out of the bed by her arm. That's a sight I have seen one too many times.
I quickly finish up getting ready for school. It's chilly outside so I decided on wearing a white loose fit crop jumper and a pair of washed out sky blue high-rise jeans. I let my hair hang loosely and applied a light layer of makeup before skipping down the stairs.
" Good morning." I greet with a small smile as I enter the kitchen.
Dad is sitting down with a cup of coffee in the one hand while scrolling through his IPad. Mom is busy cooking breakfast behind the oven while talking on the phone that is pressed between her ear and shoulder. I don't see Maddie so she's probably still getting dressed.
" Morning sweetheart." dad greets me and gets up to pull me in for one of his famous bear hugs.
I savor the little warmth I get from his hug and shiver once he leaves me to fight against the cold morning air. It's only the start of August, I can't understand why it's so cold today.
" Morning sweetie." mom greets me with a kiss on the cheek as I pass her to reach the fridge.
I grab a bottle of water before sitting down on the kitchen island and waiting for mom to finish up the breakfast. The smell of bacon fills my nostrils and I have to hide the slight moan from escaping.
" You excited for school to start? " dad questions as mom puts down a plate of delicious food in front of me. She gives me a light squeeze on the arm before starting to prepare Maddie's breakfast. She's a vegetarian so mom has double the amount of work to do when it comes to cooking for us.
" Kind of. I'm just excited to see Chloe at school again." I shrug before propping some bacon into my mouth.
" Oh yes. She was gone with her family for the summer break. Dubai you said?" Mom asks from behind the oven.
I nod in reply and continue stuffing my face. Light conversation goes around the 3 of us. I love these morning conversations with my family. Usually Maddie is out by now but I guess she's having a hard time getting an outfit ready for the day. We would sit here and catch up on what has been going on in the last few days and then plan our day ahead.
" I have a meeting with a potential client at 1. After that I'm all yours." dad states as he wraps his arms around mom.
I swear I can feel my breakfast come up.
" Guys please. Save it for when I'm not here." I say in disgust.
They both chuckle at my clear disgust but nonetheless untangle themselves from each other.
" Oh please. Don't let me get started on Jason." mom laughs.
" I still don't like that boy." dad groans.
" We aren't dating. " I chuckle.
Mom throws me a quick wink and dad makes sure to fit in a glare at mom for doing so. I appreciate my dad's concern but I haven't done one thing to betray his trust. Between Maddie and I, I'm the more mature one that doesn't like to break the rules. I am usually the one who has to get Maddie out of trouble before mom and dad finds out about it. She's a trouble maker but I still love her to death.
" You're growing up so fast." mom blurts out all of the sudden. She sniffs before wiping away a few tears and coming to stand next to dad.
" Mom." I whine. I don't want to see her upset. I know it's a big step for parents to take when their children reach their last year of school before heading off for college. If she's reacting this way now I don't even want to think about how she's going to react when we're off to college.
" It's true. It feels like yesterday when I struggled to point out who is who between you and Maddie." mom sniffs.
Dad wraps his arms around her and lays down a soft kiss on her forehead.
Maddie and I aren't only twins but we are identical twins. We look exactly alike but the only diffrence now is that Maddie wears a lot more makeup than I do and our choice of clothes differ a lot. We used to do the famous twin swap with our parents all the time. It got so bad that mom threatened to shave Maddie's hair because she was usually the one who encouraged me to play along. Ever since that day we haven't dared to swap again.
" Thank God those days are over." dad chuckles as he tries to lighten the mood.
I walk over to mom and wrap my arms around her. She immediately crushes me with her arms before allowing me to breath again.
I look down at my phone and realize that school starts in 20 minutes.
" We have to get going otherwise we'll be late on our first day." I state.
Mom nods her head in understanding and steps back into dad's embrace.
" Maddie hurry up!" I yell from the front door.
What the hell is taking her so long? I know she struggles to get out of bed and freshen up for the day but this is insane.
I wait a few second for a response but I receive none.
" Madilyn!" I yell again.
Is she really going to make me walk up the stairs to drag her ass down and into the car?
I shake my head in disappointment as I start climbing the stairs. Maddie's room is opposite mine. I hear shuffling as I come closer to her room. At least it sounds like she's out of bed. I don't want her to bring down my excitement for the first day.
" Maddie?" I knock on her door.
We might be sisters but I still respect her privacy.
I don't hear a reply so I decide on turning the door knob to enter her room. Lucky for me it is unlocked. I open the door slowly, praying that she's already dressed so that we can leave already.
Once I step into the room my heart stops when it falls onto my sister.
There she is, clothed yes, but with my dad's gun being pressed to the side of her head. Her face is flushed from the tears that are still falling down in floods. My breath hitches in my throat and all sounds die out around me. Are my eyes playing tricks with me?
" I'm sorry." she whisper before the deathing sound flows through the gun.
" NO!" I yell and start to cry immediately as Maddie falls down onto the floor and blood starts leaking from her skull.
I rush over to her. My eyes are filled with tears so it's hard to see where I'm going. Blood surrounds me as I pull the lifeless body of my sister closer to me. I'm not able to hear anything but the sobs escaping my mouth. I don't know why but I still check for her pulse even though deep down I know that I'm not going to find one.
She's gone.
I can't seem to register the reality from what's happening as I continue to shout out her name in pain. I hear my parents muffled screams as they burst through the door. Their eyes grow wide as they notice the lifeless body I'm holding onto and the blood surrounding us.
So much blood.
Mom falls down to her knees and closes her mouth with her hands to muffle the screams leaving her body. Dad is fast on his feet as he pulls out his phone and rushes over to me. His face is red and stained with tears as he notices his gun laying on the floor. He looks over at me in pure guilt. He gulps before starting to talk on the phone.
I'm not able to register what he's saying as my sobs continue to fill the room.
" Maddie no." I cry in pain. I try and shake her, hoping that she'll open her eyes. Even if it's just one eye. I just want to see some movement in her.
" Maddie come back!" I yell. Dad comes over to me and tries to pull me away. I fight against his hold and cling onto my sister. I'm not letting her go. She's my sister. We're supposed to be in this together.
" No!" I yell as dad manages to pull me away from her limp body.
He crashes me into his chest and my sobs seem to increase as I cry into his chest.
" She's not gone." I state more to myself than anyone else.
She can't be gone. She just can't. We're twins. We don't do anything apart. She's my other half, without each other we're just one missing puzzle piece. We haven't been separated for more than a day since birth. How the hell am I supposed to handle the fact that I'm going to be separated from her for the rest of my life? I'll never be able to fight with her again. I won't hear her laughter from when I trip and fall down. I won't be able to hold her while she's crying over a boy. We won't be able to get ready for prom together nor move in with each other for college. I won't see her smile or the glint in her eyes when she's up to something. She's not going to be there for all those things to happen.
She's won't be there at all.
" Honey listen to me." dad tries to shake me out of my thoughts.
I shake my head as the sobs continue to spill out from my mouth. Dad looks unsure of what to do. He just witnessed his own daughter's lifeless body, his wife is crying her to death a few feet away from us while he's trying to keep his other daughter from falling apart from seeing her sister commit suicide.
It's too late.
I've already fallen apart and I'm afraid that no one is going to be able to help me get up.
Maddie was always the one who knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. She gave the best advice even though I didn't want to accept it. She was wise for her age and sometimes even shocked mom and dad with the things she had to say. She was the better twin in my perspective even though she started acting up a few months ago by partying until late hours, coming home high, getting arrested.
How could I have not known that she was trying to reach out to me by doing these sorts of stuff? I thought she was only going through a phase. She was asking for help and I just brushed it off. How could I be this stupid?
Two men who I assume are paramedics rush into the room and over to my sister's body. There's nothing they can do and I know it. When one of them turns around and looks at the three of us, I can see the sympathy in his eyes. Something about his eyes slapped some sense into me. That's when I knew that it was over. She was really gone.
" I'm sorry for your loss." the guy says as he walks over to us.
Dad has let go of me seeing as I stopped crying. He's now holding onto mom who is still bawling her eyes out. I don't know why I've stopped crying. I can feel the tears still roll down my cheeks as I watch them cover her up but not a sound leaves my body.
One of the men lead us out of the room as the other one calls in for more people to come help with the body. My thoughts are blank as the man leads us down the stairs and outside of the house. He says a few reassuring words but I don't hear anything. I only see the movement of his lips. Dad slings his arm over my shoulder and holds both mom and I tightly in his arms.
Still no sound is leaving my mouth. I think my body has gone into shock and this is the only way it can register what's going on.
We watch as they roll Maddie's body out on a stretcher. I don't even know where they are taking her. I just want to cling onto her and never let her go. That's my sister. They're taking her away from me.
Finally a sob comes out of my mouth again. I continue to cry as a few people come over to talk to us. Their words don't seem to make sense as I burry my head into my dad's chest.
I should've been there for her. If I just went up a few minutes earlier I could've prevented this. I could've talked her out of doing such a horrible thing. I could've helped her grasp a sense of reality.
But I was too late.
And because of that my sister is gone.
She's not coming back.
It's all my fault.
* End of Flashback *
After that day things have never been the same. Both my parents became distant by throwing themselves into work. It's as if their love for each other vanished. They don't talk to one another and I had noticed that dad had been staying in one of the guest bedrooms not long after the insident. They barley acknowledge my presence when I'm in the same room as them. Do they even know that they still have a daughter who is struggling with mental battles?
I think it's because I look like her.
When they see me it's as if their whole body tense up. I'm a reminder to them of what they lost.
They forget that I'm the one who had to witness Maddie shoot herself.
Dad couldn't come to terms with the fact that it was his gun who took his daughter's life. When I look at him I can see the guilt eating him away.
Some people even had the nerve to come up to me and ask why I didn't notice that something was up with her. We're identical twins. We share a special bond. Why didn't I use it to my advantage?
All the guilt that was being thrown my way made me realize that I was the guilty one. I could have done something. Anything. Instead of learning to live with the never ending guilt I got involved with the things that made me forget. Only if it was for a little while. That time span was the only thing keeping me sane.
I know mom worries about me because I'm acting up just like Maddie did before she took her own life but I'm not her. We might have been twins but I live my own life. No matter how tough things get I know that I'm stronger than Maddie was. I won't be able to do what she did.
As if losing my other half wasn't already bad enough, mom and dad had to go and turn their backs on me when I needed them the most. My family couldn't look at me without tearing up. I had no one to talk to besides the therapists I was forced to see.
I was alone.
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For anyone who is struggling with depression or who just seems to be more down than usual, just know that you are not alone and that there are people around you who love you no matter what â¤ï¸
Please don't hesitate on sending me a message if you just want to get something off your chest. I don't always have the right advice but I'm a good listener ð
Peace out âï¸