" You've gained weight." mom greets me as I step out of my car.
Gee thanks mom.
" College life." I answer as I head for the trunk to fetch my over night bag.
Mom gives me a kiss on the cheek as I head inside. I'm surprised that she's actually at home for once. Well it's still early in the day so we'll see how long that'll last.
" I hope you're hungry. I made pancakes." Mom announces as I come down the stairs and walk into the kitchen.
My stomach grumbles as soon as the smell of pancakes invade my nostrils. I nod my head excitedly as I sit down at the island. Mom pours me a glass of orange juice as I start digging into my breakfast. I notice the intense stare I'm receiving from my mom. Can't a girl eat in peace?
" Yes mom?" I ask taking a sip from my juice.
Mom shakes her head but continues on staring. First, she hasn't left the house to go to the hospital which she usually does when I'm around. Secondly, she made me breakfast which never happenes. Thirdly, she's just staring at me.
" I've only been gone for a month. I still look exactly the same." I sigh as her eyes start to tear up.
Is she on her period too?
" You're father and I are getting a divorce." she blurts out.
My grip loosens around my knife. It makes a loud noise as it hits the plate. The room grows silent. I can hardly register what my mother just said as the words refuse to make sense.
My parents are getting a divorce?
The words finally seem to have meaning to them.
Now it makes sense why dad is not here nor answering my calls. It also makes sense why I'm getting this special treatment all of the sudden.
" What?" I choke out as I gain the ability to speak again.
Mom shakes her head as a soft whimper leaves her mouth.
" I'm s-sorry baby." she sobs.
My eyes tear up as I see her tear stricken face. I don't know what to do. Usually it's me mom has to calm down, not the other way around. I stand up from my chair and slowly walk over to mom. She basically falls into my arms as soon as I open them.
I feel like a pillow today. First Emily cried on my shoulder and now it's mom's turn. I should start charging them.
Oh grow up already my conscience scold.
Like I said before, I get really awkward in situations like these.
" It's not your fault mom. Sometimes things just don't work out." I whisper into her ear after a few minutes of her just crying on my shoulder.
" We tried w-we really did. But after -" she can't finish her sentence as another whimper leaves her mouth.
" It's okay mom. I'm okay. " I try and comfort her.
Am I okay?
Why do I feel numb?
Mom's phone starts ringing from the counter. It's like a switch turned off in her brain because she immediately shoots up, wipes her tears, and answers the phone in monotone.
" It's the hospital. They need me." she announces before she heads out of the kitchen.
And just like that the old mom is back.
After she left I finally come to terms that my parents are getting a divorce. I don't cry, yell, sulk or do anything. I'm numb. It scares me if I'm being honest. Once you reach this stage where the pain doesn't affect you anymore is when you know you've been through some shit.
It's not good to feel this way. It only means that all the emotions I'm feeling now are being stored away for later. All the emotions build up and before you can stop it, it breaks down. Just like I did yesterday.
Seeing as mom left the house is now completely empty. Just like it was before college. I busy myself by cleaning up in the kitchen and making sure that everything is in its place.
I tried to call dad again but it send me straight to voice mail. He's ignoring me. Kind of a dick move after the bombshell mom just left.
I climb the stairs back to my room. Changing into a set of comfortable clothes that consisted of a hoodie and sweatpants I leave the empty house and walk down the street.
Before I can stop my feet I reach the cemetery. Why do I always wonder off here? I could've just gone to the park.
I walk around the cemetery until I reached her grave. Fresh flowers are in the flower holder meaning someone came to visit her recently. My eyes swell up at the memories of her.
I sit down in front of her grave. My fingers start pulling out the grass. This little getaway back home was supposed to clear my thoughts. I was supposed to go back to college feeling more relaxed and not so stressed out the whole time. That plan clearly didn't work out.
" I'm sorry I haven't came to visit you." I speak softly.
I like to pretend she can hear me. Speaking to the dead sounds extremely depressing but I know she can hear me. It just sucks that I can't hear her voice because I would really appreciate her advice now.
" It's still difficult for me to come here." the last part barley comes out as my voice breaks.
I'm trying really hard not to cry. I don't want her to see me like this. I hate seeing myself like this so I can only imagine how she hates it.
" I started college. " I sniff and wipe away a few tears.
I can only imagine her sitting up straight and begging me for all the juicy details.
" I met a girl named Emily. She reminds me a lot of you." I chuckle as I think back to Emily's bubbly personality.
Emily was really concerned this morning after I left. She didn't stop calling for the first half an hour. I reassured her that I'm fine and that I'll let her know as soon as I reach my house just to calm her down. I still feel bad for putting her in such a vulnerable situation this morning.
" I also met a guy named Tyler and no he's not my boyfriend. We had a fight yesterday and he made me cry. I don't know if it was him or just everything that recently happened but I cried. And you know I'm not big on crying." I sniff.
I roll my eyes at how ironic my statement is.
I don't know for how long I talked to her but by the time I finished the sun was starting to set.
" I'll come visit soon. I promise. " I say as I kiss two of my fingers and place it against her grave.
I start making my way back home. I feel a little better now that I've told someone how I feel, even if that person is in a grave. A diary can help me contain my anger but saying my thoughts out loud to someone helps me more with my other emotions.
As I step into the house I call out for mom. I don't get a reply. Walking over to the kitchen where I left my phone I see that mom left me a message saying she's working late.
This is how it's going to be. She's going to try and avoid me like I'm a plague so that she doesn't have to express her feelings. I'm not surprised. It's just how she works.
I walk over to my room and start gathering my things. There's no reason for me to stay here if no one is going to be at the house. Mom's distracting herself with work and dad is ignoring me. One big happy fucking family.
I quickly send Emily a text saying that I'll be there in the next two hours before I load my stuff into the trunk.
Giving the house one last glance I buckle myself up and drive off.
***
After what feels like hours I reach campus. I made a quick stop at Taco Bell earlier because I barley ate something today. I picked up some food for Emily as well. Driving into the parking lot near my building I grab all my stuff and walk towards my dorm.
Once I reach the door I feel my foot bump into something on the floor. Looking down I see a gift box. Looking at my surroundings I don't see anyone who could've left it there. Curiosity gets the best of me as I place down all the things I was carrying before picking up the box.
Quickly unwrapping the box and opening it I see a pair of sunglasses laying on a little pillow. Furrowing my eyebrows I pick up the sunglasses. My breath hitches in my throat as I see it's identical to the pair that broke the other day. It must have been hard to find these seeing as it's limited edition.
I notice a folded piece of paper in the box and open it.
I'm sorry :(
~Tyler who-is-a-complete-idiot
Tyler.
A small smile makes it way to my face as I read how Tyler describes himself. He is a complete idiot I agree. I can't believe he went through all this trouble to apologize. I didn't even expect an apology to start off with.
Then I remeber what he said. How he made me feel. He's trying to buy me over.
It's working.
No it's not.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I'll deal with this later.
Picking up my other stuff I manage to unclok the door and slip in without anything falling out of my arms.
I come to an immediate halt as I realize that someone's in the room. Not Emily.
" I hope you didn't step on the gift box."
I sigh as I put down my stuff on my bed and turn around to face Tyler. I make a mental note to attack Emily as soon as she gets back. She knew I was on my way and probably let Tyler into the room.
" Can you leave? " I ask.
I can't think clearly with him in the same room.
Tyler shakes his head. " Not before I apologize."
He steps closer to me and I almost step back. I decide to stand my ground so I don't move.
" There's nothing left to say. You said what you had to." I shrug.
" What I said was uncalled for, I admit it. I don't know why I said it but I'm really sorry." he continues to apologize.
I nod my head but don't say anything. This feels too similar to the argument we had at the bonfire. Tyler's the type of guy who speaks before he thinks and that's usually the cause of our arguments.
" Please say something." he begs.
I feel something wet run down my cheek. Oh hell no. I'm not about to cry now. I reach up to wipe my tear away and Tyler immediately notices.
" Oh shit. You're crying. I made you cry. Fuck. I'm an ass. Shit."
I start laughing at how he's panicking. I don't know why I'm laughing but I can't stop it. In a matter of seconds I'm full on laughing. I don't know if I'm crying because of laughing too much or just in general crying. Before I can figure it out I start crying again.
Tyler's face is the definition of confusion. I don't blame him. I just went from crying to laughing and back to crying in the time span of a minute.
By now I can't control the sobs as they leave my mouth. I hate being this vulnerable, especially in front of Tyler. God I feel pathetic.
Tyler walks over to me and I finally decided to step back as I shake my head. He only steps forward again and before I can deny him he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest.
As soon as my face made contact with his chest I lost all self control. I can't believe I'm crying into his chest right now. Me. Crying. Unbelievable. I try and move away after a few seconds but his hold around me only tightens. I'm afraid if I move again he'll cut off my air supply.
So the two of us stand while I cry my heart out. It's been a difficult two days. First the whole thing with Tyler, then the night terror, then mom announces the divorce and then I finally went to visit the person responsible for my mixed up feelings.
My whole body starts to shiver from all the crying but I'm not cold. Tyler's arms are like a blanket. So warm. I feel safe being here in his arms. Safe from all the pain. Safe from the people's judgment and safe from my own thoughts. I can't remeber the last time someone just held me like this and let me cry everything out. It's not that no one wants to its the fact that I don't let them.
I finally manage to pull away from Tyler. Stepping away I wipe the tears that are still flowing down my cheeks.
" I'm sorry you had to see that." I'm shocked to hear how hoarse my voice came out.
Tyler comes back to my view as he wipes another tear away from my cheek using his thumb. Why am I letting him be this close to me? I should've buried him the second he pulled me into his chest. Yet he's still breathing.
" Don't ever apologize for being human." Tyler whispers.
" Can you just stop being so fucking nice? I'm trying to be pissed at you." I exclaim. The sudden raise of my voice causes Tyler to step back.
Once again he looks confused.
" You can't just come in here, buy me over with sunglasses, hold me while I cry and then say shit like that and expect me to forgive you! " I yell.
You forgave him the minute you saw him.
I hate how right my conscience is.
I swear I can see the smoke coming out of Tyler's ears as he tries and calculate what's going on. The way he pulls his face deep in thought almost sent me back to crying.
" Stop being so cute!" I yell again.
I've completely gone insane.
" I-I'm sorry?"
The poor guy.
I take deep breaths to calm myself down. This whole day isn't working for me. I'm an emotional roller-coaster going at 180. I need to calm down.
I place my forehead in the palm of my hand as I try and collect my thoughts that are all over the place.
" No I'm sorry. I just - I'll talk to you tomorrow. I just have a lot of things on my brain and I'm taking my frustration out on everything and my period isn't helping the case." I say as I shake my head.
Yes I did just tell him on my period. Maybe he understand now.
Tyler makes a move to come closer but this time I hold out my hand to stop him.
" Please. "
Tyler looks me dead in the eye. I can see he's unsure about leaving me. He sighs as he rubs his temple.
" I'll pick you up tomorrow." Tyler announces before he's out of the door.
I finally release a breath.
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