CENSORED 32: FIONA

When Frank told me he wanted to give me something, in my wildest dreams I wouldn’t have imagined that. The file, with video footage, is a lot to unpack. More than a suitcase. Definitely a moving truck. I’m not judging him, but my lack of experience in that general area makes me embarrassed to even view the contents. Combing through the details is a slow and torturous process that’s been going on for weeks. Every time I open the file it feels like an invasion of his privacy, even though he sent me specific instructions that I had to read the whole thing before he’ll spend any more time alone with me.

It wasn’t an ultimatum for his general proximity. He hasn’t dropped the file and disappeared. He’s still sitting beside me at lunch, walking with me through the halls, and standing guard while I shower despite that no longer being necessary since I can fully block my release. But all those maintained connections aren’t comforting me. They’re making me feel guilty because I know that isn’t enough for him, and it isn’t enough for me either. Problem is, if I progress things, and given his history, I worry I still won’t be enough for him.

As a Light Earth Wielder, Frank chose the Fighting Sect for secondary schooling with a Guard designation. Once he finishes his education, he can work security anywhere in the public or private sectors, leaving his future employment prospects wide open. While I don’t personally appreciate the violent ideology associated with that sectional, Frank isn’t anything like that with me. He’s sweet and caring, and he’d never let anyone hurt me with words or with fists. But his current career path isn’t the problem. The problem is his career past.

Before his earth spark ignited, Frank had a full time job, a job proving to be wildly lucrative for him. As an attractive man of his size, build, and demeanour, his client list was longer than…

“I’d never even kissed a boy before Frank,” I clatter, my cheeks reddening in the shade I know is undoubtedly Frank’s favourite colour.

“I’ve never kissed a boy at all,” Grady yips.

I clack a laugh beside him. One of the biggest benefits in all of this was getting Grady back. I missed our friendship. The information overload landed me in the position of needing that friendship more than ever. Grady’s an amazing sounding board for all my thoughts and ideas regarding Frank. Just the right amount of serious to let me know he’s really listening, but not so Atlas serious I’m squashed by the weight of the details.

“Look at it this way.” He snuffs. “You won’t have to go through any of the hassle of terrible first times.”

I scrub my hands over my face, trying and failing to wipe some of the heat out of my cheeks. “It’s going to be a disaster. I can’t compete with his experience. I won’t be able to satisfy him like…”

Grady takes my hand in his. “At least you won’t burn his doggone bone off.”

I gasp in horror at the mention of what he went through. He still isn’t talking to Sunny after they tried to consummate their connection and failed. I’m selfishly thankful I won’t have to go through that with Frank. I can control my release, he’s a wielder, and we share a spark element. All stars are aligned. There’ll be no unfavourable smooshing of the junk, nor any pain on my part outside the initial loss of innocence.

“But his employment history means he probably has certain expectations in that area. He was a…a…” I can’t bring myself to say it out loud.

“He was an escort,” Grady snaps. “It was a job like any other job. The tool of his trade just happened to be his bulb.”

Fiery red flames my cheeks again.

“You’re not a job to him, Fiona,” he yowls. “He clearly cares about you or else he wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of letting you know all this.”

“I sort of wish he hadn’t,” I clonk.

“If he’d sat down to have this conversation with you, face to face, instead of sending the file, how would you have reacted?” he barks.

“I’d have asked a million questions, then been so embarrassed by my own curiosity I probably would’ve just stopped talking to him all together to avoid the whole thing,” I realize.

“So, he gave you what you needed and time to absorb it on your own terms,” Grady growls, “because he wants you to know him, all of him, so if you do choose him, it’s the package deal, and you’d have no regrets about your choice when you learned the rest of the details about him.”

I squelch a sigh. “I’m predictable that way I guess.”

“Being an easy read aside, what he offered you means he gives enough of a lick about you to take care of that need, that he understands it,” Grady persists, “and the file is just his way of letting you understand him in a way that understands you. All of him for all of you.”

I squidge up my nose. “Including live action reference material.”

Grady howls with laughter. “I still can’t believe you didn’t turn the fricking sound off before you opened it.”

I die inside again at how embarrassed I was when that video started playing from my bed in the middle of the night. My roommates thought I was watching porn, and they’ll never let me live it down.

“How close are you to being done?”

“Close and yet very far away,” I clank.

“You might have to pick up the pace,” he whimpers, nudging me to look over at Frank. “You’ve kept him hanging in suspense long enough.”

I guiltily let my gaze fall on Frank who’s dutifully maintaining his Earth Registry Guard position by the door. He isn’t wearing his normal smile. That’s my fault. His eyes meet mine, and I offer him a soft smile that promises an answer soon. He nods, always so attuned to me without me having to say anything.

I’ve already chosen Frank, and I don’t doubt the decision, but I’m not ready to take the next step with him. Not yet. I need to finish reviewing the file. As soon as I’m ready, we’ll have the conversation we’ve both been waiting with keen interest to have.