Chapter 28: 28 - Smothered

She still wasn’t home. It was well after dark. Dinner was room temperature. Rogue was wearing a hole in the floor. She never stayed out this late. Ever. Even on her longest days, she always made it back in time for dinner, even if she had to leave again afterwards. Rogue’s guilt and gnawing insecurities were eating him alive. What if she never came home? What if she really was angry enough to do something rash? What if she realized that she didn’t need him? What if she decided that she didn’t want him?

He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t just stand there waiting for someone that might never show up. Rogue left the estate, seeking out her usual haunts: the Lion General’s office, the training arena, the training fields. Nothing. The palace? He cringed. His relationship with the Lion King was uncomfortable and awkward. Callida wouldn’t go to the king, would she?

It was a thought that left him feeling panicked. Not only did Callida not need him, but she had so, so many options. Attractive options. Like the king. Not that she would actually do something like that, because Callida wasn’t that sort of person… but then, this was new territory. She was a woman scorned, pregnant with a child she wasn’t ready for, and openly shamed and humiliated by the one person who was supposed to love and support her no matter what.

“Halt!” Rogue snapped out of his thoughts as a pair of palace guards barred his entry. “Name?”

“Uh, Rogue, uh, sorry. Qiangde Yudha.”

“Yudha? As in General Yudha?”

It still felt strange using his real name (he’d spent his youth and adult life before getting married doing everything he could to forget his real name) but it felt even more strange being recognized by it because his wife now bore that name rather than because it was his to begin with. “The general is my wife.”

“What is your business at the palace?”

“Um, I’m actually looking for my wife — for the general. You haven’t seen her, have you?”

The guards glanced at each other and shrugged. “We just started our duty shifts. She might be in a meeting with the king though.” He was permitted entrance, only to have a nearly identical conversation with the guards posted outside the throne room before gaining an audience with the Lion King.

“Qiangde,” the king welcomed him warmly. He was obviously done with any formal meetings for the day, but he was likely hosting an unofficial one, not with Callida though. “This is… unexpected. What can I do for you?”

Rogue found himself in a conflicted position. It was embarrassing having to ask another man about the location and welfare of his own wife, but here he was. “I’m looking for Callida.”

The surprise on the king’s face was genuine as was the concern, something that created a twisting sensation in Rogue’s chest. “Is she alright?”

“I don’t have any reason to believe that she’s not. I just can’t seem to find her,” Rogue replied tersely. “I was wondering if you had seen her.”

The king spent a considerable moment studying Rogue, trying to decipher an underlying meaning. Rogue was about ready to cut his losses when he finally replied. “Come with me. Gentlemen,” His Majesty addressed the rest of the room, “excuse me, please.”

Rogue followed His Majesty back into the hallway and to the left, entering a small meeting room where the king excused his body guard with a short, “please wait outside, Pius.” And then the two men were alone. “So, Qiangde, Callida disappeared on you?”

“I don’t have time for this,” Rogue grumbled and turned to leave.

“It would help…” Rogue turned back around reluctantly. “It would help to understand why she disappeared.”

“How so?” Rogue glared at him, and the king smiled crookedly back.

“Different moods, different places,” he stated with maddening simplicity. “Callida is a creature of habit. She’ll pick a place that matches her current mood. So…?”

Rogue swallowed his pride, reminding himself that Callida was more important than this humiliation. “She’s angry.”

“Angry? Did the two of you have a fight?” He laughed knowingly, and Rogue resisted the urge to storm out. “So just how badly did you screw up?”

“Do you know where she would go?” he demanded.

“Maybe.” His Majesty sobered, but his eyes had narrowed, and Rogue felt subtly threatened. “If she’s just blowing off steam, I’d check the gardens. If she’s hurting… she’ll be in Avena’s old room. Or she might not be at the palace at all,” Verum explained. “If she’s grieving, you might find her at her father’s grave. Then again, she might be trying to drown her feelings under a sea of paperwork somewhere on the base. She has access to the list of all the unoccupied bunkers and military family housing, and she knows where all the private, restricted access points on the base are. She might be hiding out in one of them. If she is, you won’t find her until she wants to be found.”

On the one hand, the king was providing very helpful information. On the other hand, Rogue hated him for his ability to do so. “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“Qiangde, from experience…. Well, never mind. You’ll figure it out,” the king said with a grin and walked out. Good thing too.

Focus, Rogue chided himself. Angry, gardens. Hurting, Avena’s room. Grieving, father’s grave. Hiding and drowning feelings, doesn’t want to be found. He replayed the horrible things he’d said that morning for the millionth time. It really didn’t narrow things down. But then, Callida was tired and felt ill with all of her pregnancy symptoms. Avena’s room would have a bed, right? That seemed as likely of a place as any. And now he just needed to find the room in question.

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Help came in the form of an older maid, someone who’d been around long enough to know what ‘Avena’s room’ even meant, and then he was standing outside of a beautifully carved, floral door, nervously formulating an apology in his head and suddenly not sure if he really wanted to find Callida. But he’d come this far. Turning the knob, the heavy door swung open on silent hinges. “Callida? Are you in here?”

The room was quiet and dark except for a single candle flickering on a table in one corner. It was enough to warrant further investigation. Cautiously, Rogue entered the room, helping the door shut quietly behind him. A cursory search revealed nothing. No one on the bed. No one in the bedroom. But then, there was a washroom adjacent… nothing. He was about to give up when he noticed another door cracked open, leading to a large wardrobe closet. Someone was sniffing softly from within. “Callida?”

“Please leave me alone, Rogue. You are literally the last person in Ulakam that I want to see right now.”

“I didn’t mean it,” Rogue vomited his unbidden explanation. “Callida, I didn’t mean any of it. I swear. I just… I just got angry, and it just… came out!”

“And so you said the most hurtful things you could think of? How is that better than not meaning it, Rogue?”

“I’m sorry. Please, Callida. Please? I’m so sorry. I regretted it as soon as I said it, and I’ve been… please?” Somehow, Rogue was now kneeling in front of where she was sitting slouched against racks of luxurious gowns that provided an unconventional pillow to support her back and head. A small window near the ceiling provided just enough light to make out her face and the tears reflecting the moon beams where they’d streaked down her cheeks. Rogue felt like he might break seeing her cry like this. “Primordials, Callida. If I could take it back…. I love you. And I already love that baby so much. I just needed to protect it, and it went to my head, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. Callida, please, I can’t stand myself knowing that I hurt you.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“I really do.”

“So I’m just supposed to forgive you now? Tell you that it’s all ok? That you undermining me in front of my men is no big deal? That shouting for everyone within earshot who cares to hear that I’m not only pregnant but also a selfish, irresponsible parent is all just water under the bridge? Is that what you want to hear?”

Rogue swallowed as he choked up. “What I said was unforgivable.”

“You’d better believe it! Do you have any idea how easy it is to break someone’s reputation here in the Lion Tribe? Do you have any idea how hard I had to work just to be taken seriously as a woman in the military here? I have to work with these men! They’re my friends and comrades. Never mind how horrible the things you said were. You really think that I don’t care about our baby? Just because I didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place, now any time I simply do my job, I’m a terrible mother? You said it, Rogue. Even if you didn’t think it through, you still said it, so on some level I have to believe you meant it.”

“I swear, Callida! I didn’t mean it. I think you’re going to make an incredible mother, and I didn’t mean– How can I– What can I do?” he begged. “I’m sorry. Please, I’ll do whatever you–”

She hushed him. “Rogue, I have to be able to do my job.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Look, I understand that I need to be careful to protect this pregnancy, but I still have to be the Lion General. And I don’t need you shaming me for that.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not unreasonable though. Maybe I should consult my doctor about what sorts of activities are safe during pregnancy?” Her tone was almost a tease, enough so that Rogue had to think extra hard about what she was saying… and what she wasn’t saying. “Do you know anyone who could answer my questions about that?”

He frowned. “What are your intentions for this conversation, M’lady? If we talk about what activities are and aren’t safe during pregnancy, would that change anything?”

“Maybe. Would it help you to know that I was being careful?”

“Maybe,” he said with a small, hopeful grin.

“Then tell me, what do I need to know?”

“Anything that can cause abdominal trauma is dangerous, especially as your belly grows,” he stated the obvious.

“So things like sparring or falling.”

“Exactly.”

“What about form work without a sparring partner?” she asked.

“That should be fine.”

“What about running?”

“That will be fine until it becomes too uncomfortable — probably about half way through the pregnancy. You’ll just need to listen to your body closely.”

“Martial arts?” Her eyebrow quirked at him in an undefined mix of curiosity and humor.

“Use extreme caution, and don’t spar.”

“So just no physical contact?” she clarified.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Her eyes narrowed slyly. “Then what about wrestling you?”

Rogue coughed a little, taken by surprise. “Um… that’s still ok.”

“So it’s not ok to wrestle someone to the ground for training, but it is ok to wrestle you on the bed for… other things?” she challenged slyly.

“Well, I mean, not… no,” he floundered. “We should be careful, and how is that even comparable?! It’s not like I’m body-slamming you onto the pillows or choking you out or throwing punches at you. It’s not…!”

She was smirking at him — definitely teasing now. “So most activities are ok as long as I’m smart about it, listen to my body, and protect my belly as it grows?”

“Yeah. I guess? Something like that.”

“Do you trust me to do those things?”

“I… yes. I do.”

“Good.” Callida leaned in to kiss him. “So is that ok?”

“Yes.” He rolled his eyes but smiled just the same. “Aren’t you supposed to be mad at me right now?”

“You apologized.” She shrugged. “So what if I did this?” Her arms immediately yanked him off-balance in a takedown that pinned his back to the floor. Before he could do more than grunt from the impact, Callida was straddling his waist and bending low to kiss him again “Is this ok?” she whispered a moment later.

“I-it should be.”

She smirked. “Oh, good. For a moment there I thought you were suggesting I not have any physical contact with anyone during this pregnancy.”

“That’s not–!”

She squelched his indignant protest with a smothering kiss, and Rogue relaxed as he realized the uncomplicated forgiveness she was offering him. “It would really be a shame if I had to stop doing that,” she said with a smirk.

“Mhm,” he agreed, allowing her to smother him to her heart’s content.