Chapter Song: Blue Sky's- Noah and the Whale
4, 3, 2
I hurled my body over me flipping as close to the wall my nose almost scratched. I turned, twisting my whole body and continued on without breaking the surface. It was such a fluid motion I almost felt 16 again.
I'd been meaning to do this for a while but I just never did it until now. It felt just the same as it did anytime I got into the water. The comforting feeling being surrounded in silence. But the calm as I held my breath was different than it used to be.
This was new.
Almost as if I was getting to know the water again. Maybe because it was a new pool or maybe because I hadn't tried to hold my breath in so long. It was familiar and a stranger all at once.
I finished my lap and sank slowly to the bottom.
There was something beautiful about staring at the surface sitting underneath it. It was blurry and moving through the little waves distorting the image. It felt as if time stopped and I was the only one allowed to be free. I forgot how easily it brought me bliss.
After it felt like my lungs could no longer handle it I broke the surface inhaling small amounts of air. Which felt longer than I thought I could. Not deep breaths that would be worse. Slow and steady.
I felt as if I were on a first date again. Anxious, nervous, excited to see where it would go. The only difference was how at ease I was when I swam laps earlier. I was definitely not as in shape for swimming as I once was. But the movements still had rhythm it once did. They weren't robotic as I thought they would be. The good old muscle memory returned easier than I thought it would.
Maybe I would come back once the wedding was over and do this more often. I think it would help a little bit. It always had before. Now there wasn't pressure of competition so maybe I'd enjoy it more.
There was too much on my mind. There was always too much going on in there. I guess this was my way of avoiding other responsibilities but I'd been wanting to take this step for a while.
After a few more laps I hopped out and began to wring out my hair before grabbing the towel I brought. I heard footsteps but didn't bother turning around. Probably someone to come swim. I had the pool to myself the majority of the hour. Ty said it was a good time to swim if I wanted to be alone.
"Is that the one and only, the legend, Kennedy Parker coming out of retirement?" Speak of the damn devil.
"It wasn't really a retirement," I smiled shaking my head at him.
"How'd it feel," he nodded toward a bench motioning for me to go sit. I sat.
"Like I never stopped." It felt good to admit. It felt good to be back in the water. Some sense of familiarity after feeling like walking through a dream for weeks.
"You can take the girl out of the pool," he sighed as I snorted. "Could you imagine if you hadn't stopped?"
"Sometimes I think about it. I don't regret it," I paused. "I hated the pressure you know?"
"Yeah I started to understand why you did it, during junior year of college. I think it hit freshman year when I wasn't the best." He admitted.
I had to say I was surprised but at the same time I wasn't. The pressure we put on ourselves would crush us entirely if we let it.
We sat there for a while not saying anything. "But I would have liked to see what would have happened if I kept it up."
"Unstoppable."
"I don't know about that," I rolled my eyes. "How's the team look?"
"They are doing better. They ask about you, you know," he nudged my thigh with his own. "You'd be a great coach."
"I don't think that poor school needs any more of us to go and cause and shenanigans than we already have."
"You're stupid to think that you wouldn't be a great asset to those kids. Fuck the adults," he nudged me again. "Besides Liam has been a pretty good adult there, I don't think they'd mind one more."
Liam started teaching and coaching at the high school a year ago. He'd been loving it since he's started and it made me happy for him.
"You know we've come along way since then," I gave him an appreciative smile as I leaned my head back against the wall. "You turned out a lot better than I thought."
"Oh trust me, I'm still an asshole." I snorted out a laugh. "But thank you," he gave me a subtle nudge.
"I have a weird question."
"It's only weird if you make it weird KP."
"Will you be my date to the wedding?" I grimaced. "You know if your flavor of the day isn't penciled in already. You can still take anyone you want home."
"I don't know if me taking another girl home would be proper," he snickered. "Of course I'll go with you."
"Thank you," I sighed in relief. I didn't know why I was so worked up over it. "Just as friends though. And I mean it if you see any of the other bridesmaids and wanna get to know them I won't be offended."
I fidgeted with my hands some more. "And I know we'll both be busy and have things to do. But I think it'd be fun going together. Have a dancing buddy."
"Okay okay," he grinned wickedly at the thought. He was trying so hard to keep a straight face.
"I better get going," I sighed getting up and stretching as I did.
"Hot date or what?" He jabbed me in the ribs. I swatted his shoulder back.
"No just some other people I need to see," I shrugged.
"Ahhh," he nodded. "Next time let me know you're coming to swim. We're overdue for a race missy."
"I'll still smoke your ass Anderson," I laughed starting to walk towards the door.
"In your dreams," I heard him say. "Hey Ken!"
"Yeah," I turned to him.
"Think about it will you." He looked serious. "The coaching. Just think about it, if you do decide to stay."
"Okay." I nodded, "I will."
As I turned to walk out the door back to the locker room I realized it wasn't a lie. I honestly would think about what he said. Coaching might not be such a bad idea after all.
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"Hi," I whispered sitting down quickly. "I'm sorry it took so long."
I rocked. Little back and forth feeling the dew of the grass stuck to my shorts. Not that I minded though.
"It's wedding week but I'm sure you already know that." I smiled. "I'm sure you would be a bridesmaid too."
I picked at a dandelion and twirled it around my fingers. I didn't know what to say to her. There was too much to say but not enough words to even say it.
"I'm sorry I'm a crappy sister. You deserved better," I sniffled. I get the tears starting to well in my eyes. I didn't stop them from forming. There was no point.
This is when she would tell me to shut up and probably get over myself. She would be sassy. She always was.
"It's true. I left for years never coming back. You would hate me for it."
No she wouldn't. She loves you way to much. You're mourning.
"I took up photography. I might take a few classes to help."
I bet you'd suck. She would say judging me. But she would have a twinkle in her eye and wouldn't be able to hold a straight face. I'd flick her and we'd laugh. She'd cuddle up next to my side and we'd lean against each other.
I continued to talk to her about my trips, traveling, London, and coming home. The failed relationships. I told her about my friends over there and how the gang is doing here. How I'd been having dinner at our house once a week but wasn't able to go into her room. I couldn't. Maybe I never would.
I don't even know if my parents had. They had plenty of other rooms in the house to use, but honestly who knows. Maybe they boxed everything up.
Somehow I ended up leaning against the gravestone using it as a partial support to sit. I was only leaning against the edge of its smooth surface. Using the whole thing felt weird, almost invading of some sort. I sat and watched the cars pass by imaging her and I sitting on a park bench eating ice cream or something.
I'm glad she was beneath a tree. She would have loved that.
"He's handsome you know," I sighed watch a red Toyota pass by. "Cal. You would have had a bigger crush on him than you already did."
This was when she would tell me she didn't have a crush. But we always knew he was her favorite.
I laughed a little. "I think you would even slightly hate me if we were together. But I think you'd love it too." I crossed my ankles together. "I don't think we were meant to be, Livi."
"I mean I've known him practically my whole life but he's a stranger now. Yeah he still has parts of him I know and always will." I paused unable to word it. "I guess I just don't know this version of him. And I think we keep holding onto parts of us. Pieces of a puzzle but we're not looking at the whole part."
Do your pieces fit together?
"I don't think they would anymore," I whispered finally saying it outloud.
We'll have you tried? She would probably yell or something like that because I was being ridiculous.
But something was gnawing at me and I couldn't grasp it.
"You know Livi, Nobody told me adulthood was going to be this way. How I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I'd imagine it feels like being stranded in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. The constant fear and panic of nothing going right."
"Except when I see him I feel the smallest sense of relief." I smile slightly. "I see him and I feel like I have something figured out. Like things start to make sense with him. But I need things to make sense because of me and not just him."
I was always stuck in the sea of him, but I lost my way. And now, he won't be the one on the boat throwing me a lifevest like he's always done. That ship sailed long ago. It was up to me now to save myself.
"I guess it's just the not knowing what'll happen between us that's scary." I sighed.
Besides, how long could we both keep going on with this? The push and the pull the ebb and the flow. The currents had us by the ankles waiting to pull both of us under.
"But there's something good about the unknown. It leaves room for the possibility. The hope of making something good."
You make being an adult sound like a real dream.
"The secret is I don't think anyone knows what they're doing. At least that's what I've started learning. Adults really are just winging it."
"I think it makes it a little better."
Something about this felt right. I didn't know why I waited so long. I just had to push past myself long enough to see what actually needed to be done. I would have to thank Cal for giving me that nudge.
He knew I needed it, but I couldn't let him keep doing it. Support was good, great even. But I needed to do things myself now.
"I love you Livi girl, I'll be back soon." I told her standing up. "That's a promise I intend to keeep."