Chapter 35: Chapter 35

“So basically it’s about this duck,” Sara explained. “And she has this magical necklace that turns her into a human girl...”

“What is it?” Clare asked. The two women had left the trolley stop, and were drawing closer to their building. The street was mostly empty, save the occasional carriage or rider.

“I was just thinking that we always talk about stuff I like. Isn’t there anything you want to talk about?”

“My life was pretty empty until recently. I realize that I’m not the best conversationalist.”

Sara laughed slightly. “Nothing beats a good listener. ...But seriously, there was stuff you enjoyed on the outside. You told me once you liked movies with combat exoskeletons.”

“But those are all just explosion-filled nonsense.”

“I’m not so stuck up that I can’t enjoy action schlock. Which one is your favorite?”

“...Exo-Force Team One.”

“I saw that one! All the patriotic nonsense aside, it was pretty fun. Oh, what was that thing the protagonist said at the end?”

“’Sorry if I’m you.’” Clare had lowered the pitch of her voice in an attempt at an impression.

“And then he shoved the bad guy onto that drill! ...And they say cinema is dead.” The pair shared a laugh.

After some further conversation about the movie, they arrived at the building and entered. As they made their way up the stairs inside Clare spoke. “You know, between the Chronomil and obsessing over my fight with Lissa, I didn’t get any sleep last night.”

“I know the feeling. How are you tonight?”

“Better, but still kind of wired. Hopefully if I read something dull it will help.”

“Do you want to get a late start tomorrow?”

“No, practice is too important.” Both women arrived before the doors to their rooms. “Good night.”

“Have a good night, Clare.”

Sara favored her with a smile before entering her room. After closing the door, she laid down on her bed and materialized a book. She was still engrossed in it when May arrived.

“Hey there, Beautiful,” Sara said, disappearing her book and sitting up.

“Always the chipper greeting. Don’t you ever get tired of pretending life doesn’t suck?” May slammed the door behind her.

Needless to say, this was not the reaction Sara had expected. “What’s wrong?”

May sat down across from her on the other bed. “...How come you’ve never wanted to get serious with me?” she asked miserably.

“I...” Once again, Sara was taken aback. “I thought you were happy with the way things are between us?”

“I am, I guess...but it never occurred to you that we could be more than friends? Is something wrong with me?”

“Of course it occurred to me. And there’s nothing wrong with you. If you want to talk about our relationship we can...but this is awfully sudden. Did something happen when you took Pari home?”

“I don’t really wanna talk about it...but I suppose you’re gonna keep looking worried until I do.”

“Worrying about people is kind of my thing.” Sara offered a weak smile.

“I fucked up,” May told her despondently, holding back tears. “Yesterday’s fight was so touch-and-go that it got me thinking about things—like how I need to make the most outta life while I still can. ...So I tried to ask Pari out. I said the wrong things, and got her so angry she yelled at me. Then when she wanted to talk more I left, ’cause it turns out I’m not so good with humiliating rejections.”

Sara crossed the tiny room to sit beside May and hug her. “I’m sorry that happened. Please don’t worry too much—I don’t know what you said, but even if it did offend her I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you still want to ask her out again?” Sara asked gently.

May turned away, and the healer let go of her. “You don’t understand. I promised her I wasn’t gonna endanger our friendship and then went back on it. I just have to get over her...but I can’t, so I did something stupid.”

“Are you sure that’s really what you want? I don’t think hoping to be with her is wrong. I mean, don’t you still agree with me that her decision to become a nun is misguided?”

May finally met Sara’s gaze once more. “Yeah... I just shouldn’t have said that. Or that her parents were right about it.” May hit her leg in frustration. “God, that was stupid!”

“That’s a difficult mistake to recover from, but not impossible.”

“It’s over. Pari knows how I feel—the rest is up to her. I just can’t believe how hard it was to tell her. ...I used to be so damn smooth.”

“There’s a difference between lust and love. Confessing your feelings would have to be nerve-wracking.”

May sighed. “You’re right. ...But what I said earlier... Is there anything wrong with me really? Something that might make Pari hold back?”

“I don’t think so.”

“But nobody’s perfect, right? I mean, you’ve never given a hint that you wanted us to be more than friends with benefits. What’s holding you back?”

“With everything that’s going on, romance might be stressful. Plus, I am nineteen—my being a year older than you doesn’t mean I’m desperate to settle down.”

“That’s really all? I’m sorry to put you on the spot, but this is important.”

“Well, I’ll admit that at first your temper caused me some frustration. I was always worrying that the party was going to break up. But I feel that you’ve really matured since then.”

May chuckled. “I guess I went after Clare pretty excessively. But you’ve gotta admit that she was annoying.”

“That’s fair. But she’s changed so much. It’s been amazing...” Sara realized she was speaking wistfully.

“Okay, that was weird,” May said suspiciously. “How do you feel about Clare, exactly?”

“...We’re talking about your stuff right now.” Sara found herself inexplicably nervous.

“It can wait.”

“Well, there’s nothing ‘weird’ about my feelings towards Clare,” Sara explained defensively. “We’ve really connected lately, and I enjoy spending time with her. We talk about all sorts of things—philosophy, science, movies, books... We actually have some interesting things in common. And she’s really supportive, which is nice. Really, she has so many admirable qualities. I know she’s kind of closed-off, but that just makes it all the more rewarding when I can get a beautiful smile or a cute little laugh from her. It’s like, the clouds part and suddenly for a moment the world is a good place—”

“Are you in love with her?” May asked in surprise.

“No, I’m not—” But now that she had finally articulated everything she had felt for the last few weeks, something finally clicked. “Holy crap, I’m completely in love with her. ...That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Given that she tried to murder you a month ago? Pretty fucking weird. I’d generally tell people not to get together over a slap.”

“You make it sound like domestic violence. She was tricked into thinking I was a terrorist—that’s extremely different. You saw when she had her breakthrough on our show. You’ve seen how she’s fought for me since. Do you think she wants to harm or control me?”

“No, I don’t think that,” May admitted.

“It’s all moot anyway,” Sara realized sadly. “I couldn’t possibly tell her how I feel. She’s still convinced she’s indebted to me. That would create unfair pressure to reciprocate my feelings. And she’s been doing so well lately—what if the idea of romance just stresses her and makes her feel worse?”

“You shouldn’t worry about any of that.”

“How could I not? But all that aside, what does this mean for the two of us? We’re both in love with someone else. ...I know we’ve both insisted our relationship is just a casual thing, but if you think about it we’ve done everything but commit to each other. We’ve relied on each other a lot emotionally, and we live together. That seems serious to me—we just never acknowledged it.”

“...I didn’t see it that way, but you’re right. When you first got here, and Pari was withdrawn, and Clare was so hostile... We just had each other.

“But we’re both in love, so it’s time to move on. I really think you should tell Clare the truth.”

“I told you why I can’t. Please promise me that you won’t tell her how I feel.”

Sara was surprised when May briefly put her hand against her face in frustration. Finally, the demon player stood. “I can’t believe I’m about to do this. But just because my life has turned into a steaming pile of high school romance bullshit doesn’t mean I’m gonna let that happen to you.”

May grabbed Sara by the hand and pulled her toward the door. The healer was too surprised to resist. Soon both women were standing before the entrance to Clare’s room. May knocked loudly.

“Wait. You shouldn’t do this,” Sara insisted.

Clare opened her door. She was holding a game history book. “What is it?” she asked in concern. In reply May shoved Sara into the room, forcing Clare to back up. The pair were uncomfortably close.

“You two deranged idiots are in love with each other,” May explained. “Do something about it.” She grabbed the door to close it, but then hesitated. “Clare, I’ve said a lotta stupid things to you. Ignore them. ...I don’t think you’re a bad person anymore.”

She finally shut the door, leaving the two women alone. Clare dropped her book, which soon disappeared into her inventory. “You...you can’t really be in love with me.”

It seemed Sara had lost the option of delay. She was incredibly nervous. “But I am. ...Do you really feel the same about me?”

Now blushing, Clare managed a slight nod. “I’m not even sure when it happened. I kept telling myself that my attraction to you was only physical. I didn’t understand until...” She looked away. “...until after I attacked you. I don’t deserve to have you care about me, not after that.”

“Please let go of your guilt. It’s not a selfish act to forgive yourself—not if you genuinely understand what you did wrong and try to make amends. Even May’s forgiven you, or she wouldn’t have dragged me over here and put us in this spot.”

Clare met her gaze once more. “I remember everything you said, about why you forgave me. It’s one thing to accept those views on an intellectual level. It’s another to be haunted by memories of trying to hurt you, and to somehow ignore my feeling of disgust at what a monster I was.”

“You really weren’t a monster though. I know it’s not easy to get past all you’ve been through. But I’d be happy to be with you every day, to help you try.” Clare was obviously fighting back tears. “Maybe we should sit down,” Sara offered.

The pair sat down together on the edge of one of the beds. Sara took the other woman’s hand, and Clare struggled to speak. “...Why do you have feelings for me?”

“I think you’re amazing. I’ve always admired your dedication to your principles—even when those principles were misguided, you stuck by them even to your own detriment. You’re brave, and intelligent, and determined. And since we’ve become friends you’ve been so protective and supportive. You’ve opened up to me in so many ways, even though you’re such a private person. I’m honored you trust me that much.”

Clare wiped away some tears. “I didn’t dare imagine you’d ever return my feelings. I’m afraid that I’m dreaming.” Sara shook her head. Her eyes were watering as well. “But...if this is where we are, what should we do?”

“That’s what we need to figure out. ...I know you don’t approve of my dancing, so I understand if—”

“That doesn’t matter to me now. There’s nothing shameful about it. If anything, I should finally thank you for making that sacrifice for our party.”

“Well, I’ll admit it’s not exactly my ideal job. But I’m pretty used to it.”

“You shouldn’t minimize all you’ve done for us. And for me. You’re so giving, and gentle. But as much as you hate violence, you’re still willing to fight for what you believe in. ...You’re incredible.”

It was Sara’s turn to blush. Clare spoke again. “But I don’t know if I could ever be an affectionate girlfriend to you. I still can’t stand the thought of...of being intimate with someone in here. Just the idea that there would be Fantasy viewers watching us makes me sick.”

“I understand. But if it’s for you, and you want us to be exclusive...I could go without sex indefinitely.”

“I couldn’t handle an open relationship—I’d be too jealous. But I could never ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to ask—I’m offering.” Sara hesitated, trying to get a handle on all she was feeling. “I know things would be difficult for us. We have an awkward past, and we’re both inexperienced with romance. There’s at least a little danger that if it doesn’t work out, a relationship could hurt our friendship. But I’m willing to take that chance if you are.”

“I...I love you so much. I want to be with you so much it hurts,” Clare admitted tearfully.

“Then please be with me. I love you.” Sara leaned in and kissed Clare deeply. She was overjoyed when Clare returned the gesture.

Afterward, the pair spent more time talking about their new relationship. When they finally turned in Sara cuddled up against Clare, who quickly fell asleep. She stayed awake a while longer, basking in the feeling of closeness with someone she truly loved. For the first time since she had arrived in her prison, she dared imagine that a truly happy life was possible.