Valentine's Day - Part 1
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"Valentine's Day - roses and chocolates, a dinner for two, a carefully chosen card with a carefully worded message awaiting. Did you get one? I did, from my beloved. Which came as rather a surprise, not because he's unromantic or forgetful, but because he died in December. With remarkable foresight, he nevertheless arranged for me a Valentine's card before he departed. I'm very touched and grateful. And a bit surprised because, in widowhood, you think your days of wine and roses are done. Not so.
I've just been on a cruise, winter sun in dark days, and, aged a cultish fifty-seven, was one of the younger passengers on board. The demographic naturally includes lots of widows and widowers. And let me tell you, husbands and wives and civil partners may pass away, but romance is eternal. Eternal and, in some some cases, persistent. One passenger, a widow with long experience, ripe in years, but sprightly in his affections was known as 'Romeo Ron'. He took up his positions at the back of the calabash lounge in time for the classic afternoon film. And from there would attempt an age, what I imagine with romantic escapades of his youth. So ardent was he in Sunset Boulevard, that I heard a woman's voice exclaim indignantly from the back seat, "Ron, do I look like a flippin' teenager?" And her anguish was actually a bit saltier than that. And when I turned around, and she saw my dog collar, she said unnecessarily, "Sorry vicar. I'm from London."
I was glad to see the spirit of romance still on deck, on deck 7, glad to see that the onboard florist did a roaring trade, and glad that intimate tables for two were filling the restaurants, lit by the artificial flicker of the Health and Safety compliant fake candle, rather than the screens of smartphones. How many of those will tonight lie glowing on the table next to the butter knife in restaurants from Southampton to Wick? Well, the light may flicker and dim, but it never goes out. For as The Bible reminds us, love is strong as death. Passion, fierce as the grave. It's flashes, a flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.
If you're lucky enough to have a Valentine: pelt, drench, submerge them with cataracts of abundant, extravagant, and reckless love. And have a happy Valentine's Day."
'The light may flicker and dim - but it never goes out', Reverend Richard Coles, Pause For Thought, February 14, 2020
* * *
Harry
On the drive home, I thought about what Reverend said, about showering your valentine in immense amounts of love. It's not often that you find such a deep and passionate interest in someone, and with such quick pace, might I add. But I've done just that. And I've done my best to prioritize celebrating that while I continue my journey to try to understand it.
I'm not sure I completely understand why I feel for Lili the way I do. Some could say it's too soon to tell, but others say when you know you know. I admit I could very well just be a lovesick, hopeless romantic yearning for the easiest thing. And that's just it â it's so easy with her. Don't get me wrong here, Lili's most definitely an easy person, she can actually be quite complex at times. But it feels as if I've known her for so much longer than I have. Like, every month I've known her has been a year that we've been seeing each other. Maybe it's because of the hectic day-to-day life we've experienced together. Or maybe it's the deep, indubitable connection I have felt towards Lili since the day I first met her.
It pains me to think of all that I could have missed out on if I had never met her. Now that she's in my life, a world without her seems impossible to me. From the moment I open my eyes in the early morning to the time I shut them again to fall asleep, she's a constant thought on my mind. Even in my dreams â God, my dreams â she's there. No matter how hard I may fight it, I can't get her off my mind.
I only fought it at first, however. In the best way possible, the thought of her was like a virus. I didn't notice she was really there in the beginning, then I started showing symptoms â the sight of her alone would make my heart race, my throat would go dry, I would be at a loss for words. I thought my immunity had built up, but I was weak for her. Day after day, she consumed my brain until her name was plastered on every wall, and no other thought came about. She was the virus that was slowly taking over my entire life.
But I have accepted it. I've allowed her to dominate my head, all for the sake of being a part of her life, in any way I can. And I will continue to do it, as long as she will let me.
And finally, the time comes when I'm home from the radio show, and I get to see my girl again and spend Valentine's Day the way we should. Together. Uninterrupted.
The moment I opened the door, I'm welcomed home by the smell of a clean house. I cleaned the kitchen this morning, knowing a tidy kitchen would be the most pleasing environment for the lilies I had got her this morning. I woke up far earlier than I usually do today, much earlier than I even needed to for my segment this morning. But I had a case of time-anxiety, and I drifted in and out of sleep throughout the night worrying that I wouldn't have enough time for everything I wanted to do before I left this morning.
But this clean was different. The shiny hardwood gleamed brightly beneath the black and white Vans on my feet, visibly much cleaner than when I left earlier this morning. She must have cleaned even more thoroughly while I was gone.
My hypothesis proved itself to be true when I looked beyond the flooring to see the dining room table completely clear, and to my surprise, set with placemats I had forgotten even existed. I wondered where she found them.
The second I entered the house, you could tell it had been cleaned. But not from only the looks of it, but also the aroma that accompanied. And it wasn't just a swift cleanup like the one I had done this morning, and routinely days before. This was a deep clean. One with mops and sponges and lots of cleaner â which lightly coated the air with its pleasant smelling fumes. Everything was placed neatly, and looked like it had its own little place, no matter what it was.
I wondered how long it had taken Lili to do all of these various tasks. It couldn't have been any less than 2 hours. I wouldn't be surprised if she woke up moments after I slipped out the front door this morning, given the state of our home.
I was in complete awe of the cleanliness before me, but it was impossible for me to miss the figure who suddenly stood in the archway directly parallel to me. Her legs stretched up to the curve of her hips, far more accentuated now that she leaned the right side of her body against the edge of the wall. Her arms folded just under her chest, and her smile beamed brighter than the sun shining through the window panes.
From her appearance, I could infer that she had certainly been busy all day cleaning the house and hadn't had any time to get ready herself for the day yet. Her hair was tied up to the very top of her head, a bun sitting there messily. The shirt hanging down just past her hips made me nearly drop to my knees and my mind went blank. I loved to see her like this. The lived in look, an everyday look, way she would look if she...
I couldn't help it, there was no hesitation whatsoever when I immediately kicked the door shut behind me and rushed toward her. I watched closely as her facial expression quickly shifted from a smug, cocky grin to shock as I came charging towards her unexpectedly fast.
She let out a squeal as I lifted her from the ground, embracing her small figure tightly in my arms. I had missed this feeling, and as hard as I may have tried to stay focused on my work, all I could think about was what awaited me the moment I returned home.
I hugged her tightly for a moment, taking the time to indulge in the feeling of her body being pressed against mine in such a simple, yet intimate way. Pulling my head away from where it was originally nestled in the crook of her neck, I was now able to look into her eyes. They radiated pure happiness. Like the way looking into the ocean could overwhelm you with calmness and comfort, looking into the different shades of blue in her eyes did the same to me. I could stare into them forever.
"Well it's nice to see you too," her heavenly voice rings suddenly, a smile spreading over her lips.
I hummed in response and immediately dove in for a kiss. I had nothing to say, yet wanted to say any and everything at the same time. She does this to me. She always leaves me completely speechless with a million words strained on the top of my tongue.
Slowly, I pull away, finally setting her down, wishing the kiss would last forever. I swear every time we kiss, it's like we're sixteen, standing on her front porch, wishing curfew wasn't a thing. Where we can't wait to grow up and stay out as late as we want, see each other whenever we'd like. Blindly dreaming of falling asleep together every night just to wake up next to each other every morning. And although I'm well into my twenties, I can't help but dream about her like a teenager.
"Happy Valentine's Day, beautiful," I tell her, a soft smile spreading over my lips.
A smile of her own came across Lili's face as she replied, "Happy Valentine's Day."
I couldn't help it as I lean back in, craving another kiss from her. I let one of my hands, which rested just above her hips, slowly trail down to the outside of her thigh. Goosebumps rose on her skin, trailing each place I touched. Her breathing changed from calm and collected to now shallow and shaky. I fought back a smile as I lightly dragged my fingertips back up her smooth leg, this time allowing my hand to slip under the large shirt she wore. It was my shirt.
I was slightly, though pleasantly, surprised to find that she wasn't wearing shorts underneath, like I'd originally assumed. Instead, I felt the smooth fabric of her underwear. My fingers slipped under the thin band hugging her hips, and I felt her breath hitch against my lips.
She abruptly pulls her lips away from mine, and I shoot her a look of confusion. She laughs nervously.
"I love this, really, but I like...really need to shower," she says shyly, obviously feeling embarrassed by the disturbance of the moment.
I can't help but laugh. But soon my genuine, wholesome smile quickly switches to a devious smirk. "Me too. You know...I've been working all day and of course the first thing I want to do when I get home is take a long, hot shower."
A smirk spreads over Lili's lips as she takes a step back away from me, preparing to leave me to go upstairs. But we'd been apart all morning, and I didn't want to be separated from her for another second.
The second she slipped from my hands and turned around, starting toward the stairs, I reached out to grip her hip. Her body was petite, and my hands aren't exactly small, so I could easily wrap a singular hand around practically half of her waist. But I needed more force. So this time, I wrapped my entire arm around her waist.
Lili gasped as I quickly pulled her back into my chest, basically entrapping her against my body. I lower my head to hover just above her shoulder, the flyaways from her messy bun tickling the side of my face.
"I meant together, love," I whisper into her ear.
She lets out a short, breathy laugh and I can feel her smooth cheek brush up against mine as her turns her head to the side. A smile is still present on her lips. "Then come on."
* * *
Valentine's Day was going so well.
The day started early; I came home to a clean home, there were a few sexual encounters, and Lili and I took an amazing nap together. When we woke up, we were even all groggy and sleepy, but still somehow still smiley towards each other.
As we laid together, the top of my head tucked safely under her chin, my breath condensates against the pale skin of her throat. It felt as though everything was perfect, maybe even a little too perfect. Like the kind of perfect you're afraid to get too comfortable in. But I've never been afraid of getting too comfortable with her, so there was no reason for me to start now.
I couldn't help but imagine what life would be like if this was our normal. Where one of us wasn't always leaving, and we could lay together all day and just do nothing without a care in the world. Although I knew I wasn't the lazy type, she made me want to lay around and do absolutely nothing but be a sponge to her presence.
But that wasn't reality. This was. Where I rest my cheek against the smooth skin of her bare chest, her heartbeat thumping softly against my jawbone. There was not a place in the world I would rather be than here in the present. I took in every detail, savored every millisecond, because somewhere deep down I knew this wouldn't last forever.
Slowly I tilted my head up to look at her. Her eyes were shut, and I would've thought she was asleep if I hadn't felt her nails softly dragging up and down my left shoulder blade, arising instant goosebumps on my arms. I couldn't help but plant a soft kiss on her jawbone, her way her heart kissed mine repeatedly only moments before.
Her cheeks rose up as she smiled. I loved when she smiled, not only because it was the most beautiful thing I've seen her wear, but because I loved to know that I made her happy. All I could focus on was making her happy. It was like ever since I met her, that was my newfound purpose in life; to give her the best life possible.
I left a trail of kisses starting at the space of her jaw near her chin leading up her cheeks, finally landing on her lips. I wanted to stay like this forever. I never ever wanted to leave this bed. My body felt so heavy in comparison to my head. Like her body had some sort of magnetic pull on mine, drawing me in a little closer with every second that passed.
I lay my head against her chest again.
"Lili, I'm so happy," I admit to her.
I felt her body tense up under mine. Maybe I was too straightforward, but she had to know. Maybe if she knew, she wouldn't go so soon.
"I am too, Harry." She sighs, brief and quietly, but nevertheless I heard it. "I am so, so happy."
"Then don't go." I sat up instantly, which seemed to have startled her. Live with me.
She stares at me blankly for a moment, obviously unsure of what to say, at a loss for words. I knew her mind was racing, I could see it in the way her eyes flicked back and forth, juggling the sight of mine.
"Harry," she begins to say, but I shake my head. I've already heard it, it's always the same.
She needs to go running back to Jess. I get secondhand exhaustion from watching her go back and forth all because of Jess and her incapability to be alone. They are both grown adults, and need to have their own separate lives. They can't be dependent on each other forever.
"Please, Lili. You have me begging," I plead. If she left, who knows when she'd return. "I understand your side of this, I really do. But can you please just try to understand mine?"
She expression changes. She didn't like what I said. She's silent for a short moment, collecting her thoughts.
"Harry, Jess means everything to me," she states calmly. "You know this, and what I don't understand is why I have to keep telling you this. I mean, I'm feeling like broken record here." She lets out a short laugh. "Jess is going through something very difficult right now and she needs me, some of the only family she has around, to be there for her. To support her. I mean, are you just praying on the downfall of my dearest friendship?"
"No, Lils, that's not what it is at al-"
"Then why do you keep trying to intervene?" Her tone changes. She's no longer quiet and reserved. She's now defensive and angry. "I've been trying to understand your side, Harry. And I think I have now. You're only thinking about yourself. Your side is selfish."
And as her words stabbed me harder than a knife, she leaves the knife behind as she gets up off the bed and storms out.
I run my hands over my face as I hear her footsteps stomp angrily down the stairs. My hands are still covering my shameful face as another moment passes, then I hear the chime of the security system, then the front door slam shut.