a/n: listen to ur mumsie ð¥°
did anyone else used to watch tangled when they were sick?? nope, just me? cool.
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Harry
I softly knock on the door, hoping to get her attention. But she doesn't move, her body lying there under the covers, chest rising up and down. The energy in the room was overwhelming, it felt like a bucket of sadness was pouring over the door frame, the whole room filled to the brim with the feeling.
"Baby," I say softly, attempting once more to get her to acknowledge my presence. But, she lays there still.
She doesn't respond, not that I expected her to anyway. And I would've worried that she had been dead, due to her lack of movement, but the sounds of her softly sniffling indicated that she was very much alive.
I hated the way I had mixed emotions about the situation - I felt guilty for doing so. In a way, I felt a sense of relief now that neither Lili nor I had to worry about her safety when it came to Noah, now that he's gone. But at the same time, there's very rarely ever a time to be happy about someone's death. It's honestly wrong to do so.
And I understand why she's so upset about the situation. I can't say I relate, because I can't, but I wish I could give her some sort of affirmation, but it was hard to with this specific scenario. I want to help, but I don't know how. I don't want to say something that could potentially make things worse. But I can't stay silent, right? I feel like saying nothing at all could be worse than saying the wrong thing, at least in this situation.
I take a seat on the very edge of the bed, near her legs. Her body was faced toward the middle of the bed, away from the edge. Away from me.
I intertwine my fingers together, looking down at them. My forearms rested on my thighs just above my knee, propping me up as I hunch over, looking down at the cross tattooed on my left hand as I think of what I could possibly say. My leg bounces up and down anxiously, but I quickly make it stop, realizing I was probably shaking the bed and annoying her.
I have to say something.
"Do you...wanna talk?" I decide to ask. I wasn't going to force her to talk about it if she didn't want to. I know sometimes you just want to be left alone.
She rolls over onto her other side, now facing me, and my heart falls out of my ribcage, shattering into a million little pieces. Her eyes were all red and puffy, the tip of her nose red. She just looks at me for a moment before inhaling sharply.
"I...not really," she speaks in a small, shallow voice, sighing shakily. "I'm sorry."
"No, don't apologize," I say quickly, shaking my head. I brush a few fallen pieces of hair away from her face, giving me clearer access to bend down and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Don't ever apologize for needing to take time for yourself," I tell her wholeheartedly.
She flashes me a small smile as I stand up. I walk to the door with my shoulders slumped, wishing I could help her in some other way - something on a bigger scale. But if this is what she wanted from me, to be alone, that's what I was going to do.
As I reach the door, placing my hand on the knob, I turn back to her. Her eyes were now shut, the look of sadness still very prominent on her face. It broke my heart to see her like this.
"Is there anything else I could do?" I offer quietly, almost under my breath. "Anything I could bring you?"
"No," she says softly and the cracks in my heart stung a little more.
"Alright." I nod slowly - barely at all. "I, uh...I'll be back to check on you a little."
I look at her as she doesn't say anything or move or even respond in the slightest bit. I nod once again before stepping out of the room and into the hallway, shutting the door behind me.
Maybe she needed to sleep. And when she wakes up, she'll feel ten times better and her, my mum and I can all eat the cookies they baked together. We can even finish going through the photo albums if she wants to, no matter how much I hated it. I'm sure Mum has a million others to look through, all with a million memories attached to them.
As I walk down the hallway and venture into the living room, I see Mum standing in the kitchen, a cuppa in her hand, staring out the window of the back door. She notices my presence as I near her, and she turns around.
"How is she?" She asks in a soft voice, a worried, but also an empathetic expression on her face.
"She's uh...well..." I couldn't find the right words to say. In a way, I could kind of tell how she felt, but then again, I'm not in her shoes. I didn't want to speak for her and misinterpret everything. "I'm not sure," I decided to say, shrugging.
"Poor thing." Mum looks down at her tea, shaking her head. "Is there anything we can do? Ice cream? Cookies?"
I sigh as I take a seat on a barstool. "She just wants to be left alone right now." I shake my head. "There's only really one person I could think of that would be any sort of help in this situation."
"Who?"
"Jess." I sigh once again. As much as I hate to admit it, it was the truth. As obnoxious and sometimes blatantly rude as she can be at times, I know how much she means to Lili. And to her, she's the person who matters most.
Plus she's psychic, so I try to stay on her good side as much as possible.
"Who's Jess?" Mum asks, leaning on the edge of the counter where she stood across from me.
"Lili's roommate back home," I explain. "She's practically a sister to Lili. They're inseparable. I'm honestly convinced they're soulmates at this point."
Mum doesn't say anything, just nods as she looks down at her cuppa. After a moment she clears her throat and then in a low voice asks, "So who was the guy on the telly? Was he like someone important? Because I've honestly never heard his name before."
"That would be Noah." I sigh for the millionth time. "He's like an old...friend of Lili's she met back in like December."
"Oh, how sad for her." She brings her hand up to her heart. That was always her way of showing she deeply cared about something, usually when she was overwhelmed with a feeling; sadness, joy...love.
"No, you don't understand." I shake my head vigorously. I quickly look over my shoulder, just to ensure that Lili was nowhere near to hear what I was about to say. "Noah was a fucking psychopath."
"Harry, someone died." She furrowed her eyebrows in concern. "How could you possibly be happy about something like that? Especially when it's hurting someone you care about."
"I never said I was happy about it," I'm quick to defend myself. "I'm just...relieved." Mum looks at me sternly, and I could tell she wasn't very pleased with me right now. "There's always been something about that guy that just didn't sit right with me."
"Well," she takes a sip of her tea, "it's still a human life that was lost, and it's sad." She sets her mug down, keeping her hands wrapped around it. "I'm not saying you have to be completely devastated over it, but the least you could do is show a little bit of sympathy. But whatever you do, do not say anything like that to Lili."
"What do you mean?" I furrow my brows together.
I was ready to do whatever she told me to. Not because she's my mother, but because she's always right and she knows what she's talking about.
"Don't talk about this guy in a negative way, for a while," she advises. "The worst thing you could say to her is anything that makes it seem like you're happy he's gone because that's how she'll take it. And if she's already this upset about his death, that means she still cares for him in a way."
It felt like a punch in the gut to hear that; she still cares for him. It's not even that I'm jealous of him, because...well, how could I be? To put it quite frankly, there isn't really much to be jealous of.
It was the fact that there was still a piece of her heart that he owned, and that I didn't. Selfish of me, I know. If it was just about anyone else, there wouldn't be a problem. But it isn't anyone else. It's him.
"So what do I do?" I ask, looking to my mum for help, just as I always seem to do.
"That," Mum sighs, "I can't really help you with. Everyone is different and everyone copes in different ways." She bites the inside of her cheek as she looks down in thought. "My best piece of advice here would be to just listen. Listen to her. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, because the worst thing she could do is bottle it all up." She lets out a laugh that almost sounded like a scoff. "I mean, I would know."
"You're probably the best person to talk to her about this kind of thing." I chuckle nodding my head. Then, I get an idea. "Would you be willing to?"
"Maybe in a bit." She shrugs. "But for now, if she wants to be left alone, then she should be left alone. It's a lot to take in all at once, especially if it's not something she saw coming."
"I don't think anyone saw that coming." I shake my head with wide eyes. "Major plot twist if you ask me."
"But do you get what I'm saying?" She asks, probably just to make sure I was really taking in her words.
"I do." I nod. "But... What do I do while I'm leaving her alone? Just sit and worry?"
"I know it's difficult, Harry." Mum tilts her head to the side, her shoulders slumping. "But, when she's ready, you just need to be there. Be there if she needs to talk, and be there when she just wants you to sit nearby. And as for right now, all you can really do is be there spiritually if what she wants is to be left alone."
I sigh. "You're right."
Of course, she was right. She's always right.
* * *
Lili
Why?
Why me? Why Noah? Why now? Just why?
There was so much about this situation I couldn't quite seem to wrap my head around and a lot of it that I didn't want to. So many questions flooded my head, nothing to filter out the bad ones. Why did I have to find this out through the news? Why did I have to be here, at Anne's, of all places? Why couldn't I have received the news in any other possible way? And why did it have to be in front of everyone?
I was upset about Noah, that's kind of obvious. But that's not even the worst part of this whole thing. I ruined this entire visit - for everyone. I wished I could've just sat there emotionless instead of running off like some kind of drama queen. They probably think I'm being so overly dramatic.
"Knock knock," I hear a soft, female voice ring upon walking into the room. She knocks on the already open door, earning my attention. My thoughts drain away mostly, but there was still a small pool of those lingering wonders.
I roll over to my other side, now facing the door instead of the center of the bed. Anne stands in the doorway, awaiting my response. In her hands, she holds a plate and a glass of water. My heart feels warm, assuming they were for me.
"How are you feeling, darling?" Anne asks me, walking up to the bedside, setting the plate and glass down on the nightstand near my head. I peer down at the plate, seeing she brought me a few of the cookies from earlier, ones I'm now realizing I never even got the chance to taste.
"I'm alright," I lie, looking back up at her. As soon as I set it, I felt sick to my stomach knowing it was a lie. A lie that I told her.
Anne takes a seat at the edge of the bed near my legs. She sighs. "You know, I don't feel like that's the complete truth," she says to me, but her eyes were locked on something across the room.
I shift my body so I'm now sitting up, my back resting against the black headboard of this bed. I look at Anne, noticing how calm she seemed to be - always seemed to be. It was like she was always at this certain place of peace. She spoke in a calm and collected tone, and that was a comforting thing to hear. It never felt like she was mad at me, or ever that she was annoyed with me. She made me feel like she was happy I was here.
But despite all that, I still worried she now thought differently of me since she saw me run off.
"Is it?" She continues and I slowly shake my head, curling my knees up to my chest. She nods softly. "That's what I thought."
I swallow the lump building in the back of my throat hugging my knees.
"Harry said you didn't really feel like talking, so I brought you some of the cookies in case you wanted to try them," she says, gesturing to the plate of cookies she set on the bedside table. "I would've brought you milk, but I figured you might want water instead. But I can go get you a glass if that's something you want."
"No, this is great, thank you," I say, my voice fragile and a bit croaky. This was my first time saying anything in the past...however long it's been. I haven't checked my phone since I came in here. I couldn't even remember where it was at this point.
"I'm not sure if you still don't feel like talking, but just know Harry and I are both here to listen if you decide you want to," she tells me in a soft, kind voice. "I'm sure you'll probably feel more comfortable talking to him, but I'm always here if you ever need anything."
My heartfelt warm and full, like her saying those words put a bandaid on the wounds I received from today's news, as well as a few older ones that probably still needed a bit of healing.
"Anne," I murmur under my breath. Her head cranes over, her eyes meeting mine, and for once I didn't feel nervous about making serious eye contact with someone. I clear my throat. "You've been through something similar to this. How did you handle it?"
She sighs as she looks back over to the spot across the room, straightening out her spin before hunching once again. "I'm not gonna lie and tell you it was easy because it wasn't." She sighs again. "And I really wish I could give you an exact answer and tell you one specific thing I did to help me, but I can't. Because there wasn't one. There isn't really one single fix to a situation like this."
"He was your husband," I speak in a small voice, referring to Robin. "You were probably going through so much pain, I can't even imagine. I was hardly close with Noah."
"Well, whether you were married to the person or not, you're still allowed to grieve," she tells me, facing me once again. "Death is a sad thing, even if you don't know the person. But when you do, it can be even sadder. Just the fact that you knew them alone can be sad, regardless of the relationship."
"If you don't mind me asking," I swallow harshly, staring down at my knees near my cheeks, "Do you ever think back and which you would've been different toward him? Like do you have any regrets?"
She inhales deeply, gathering her thoughts. "No." She shakes her head. "I did in the beginning, but I don't anymore."
"How did you get to that point?" I ask, seeking advice because right now, all I could feel was regret.
As crazy as I felt Noah was toward the end, I liked him at one point, and I don't think that's something that should be ignored. I wish I was just a little bit kinder to him. I wish I'd just asked if he was okay.
There had to have been some sort of a bigger picture. Maybe he wasn't crazy and I was just jumping to conclusions. Maybe he was struggling and he was just trying to reach out to someone he felt wouldn't judge him because we don't know each other too well. Maybe he just didn't know how to reach out, and this was the only way he could think of.
Maybe I was in the wrong for pushing him away.
"It took time," Anne continues with a nod. "Quite a bit of time, actually. And I'm not saying that to scare you or anything, but it's the truth."
I stare at her blankly, unsure of what to say. The same question continued to stream through my mind: Was this my fault?
"But the thing about it is," she swallows harshly, "Robin's death was inevitable. He had been battling cancer for a while, and he hadn't seemed to be getting any better. Although I had a while to prepare myself for when the day came, it still wasn't enough time to fully come to terms that I would be losing someone I cared so much about."
As she spoke I felt myself getting emotional, my sinuses tightening. I felt almost guilty for feeling the way I do now that I compared it to what Anne has experienced. She lost a husband, a soulmate. I lost a friend if I could even consider him one.
"But this, your situation, was all so sudden." She shakes her head. "Right now, you're experiencing everything I had months, possibly even years to prepare for. So I can't even begin to imagine how much this must be for you. And to find out through the news? Bless your heart."
"So you...don't think I'm being dramatic?" There was a tinge of hope in my voice, praying that I didn't ruin my reputation with Anne before I even got the chance to make one.
She looks taken aback, which honestly surprised me. "Dramatic?" She asks in shock.
I nod my head.
"Oh, honey no." She shakes her head, completely shifting so her entire body was facing me, tucking her legs in so they were crossed over one another. "Mourning the death of a friend is never dramatic. Crying when your upset is never dramatic. Being upset in general is never dramatic. And don't ever let anyone tell you differently." She spoke in a stern voice, showing me that she was very serious about this like it was something she cared a lot about.
"How badly did I embarrass myself?" I felt the urgent need to ask.
She furrows her eyebrows, leaning against the doorframe. "What do you mean?"
"When I ran off," I explained further, "Did I...embarrass myself?"
"When you ran off...?" She thinks aloud, but then I see a lightbulb light in her eyes as she gasps. "Oh, darling..." She shakes her head vigorously. "It was a normal reaction. You shouldn't be embarrassed about that." She laughs it off as if it wasn't that big of a deal, which calmed my nerves a bit.
"Of course!" She nods, smiling softly.
Anne is so kind. It's like she doesn't have a single bad bone in her body, she's just a genuinely good person.
I wish she was my mom.
As that thought slips through my mind, the additional thought of parents follows. Then the thought of a different parent creeps into my head, causing me to audibly gasp.
George.
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a/n: hi i just wanted to make sure to say that i really hope none of you think i'm being insensitive about the passing of robin! i mean no disrespect towards him or any of his family, i just felt this may add to the storyline.
if you know me, you know i would never mean anything to be disrespectful. so if it seems that way, i apologize. i tried to make it as respectful as possible!!!!