98 - Actual Therapy

“So, how are you feeling?” As soon as they’d sat down, Sean had…changed.

Not as in shapeshifting, or looking different, but he felt more attentive. Supportive. Which was a good thing, but Theo could hardly reconcile him with the wise-cracking foul-mouthed drinker he knew Sean to be.

“I’m doing okay.” He replied almost on instinct, trying to force his face into a smile. “We’ve got the week off and nobody died, so that’s good right?”

Sean nodded. “That is a good thing. Were you very involved?”

Theo hesitated for a moment. “Yes. I helped organise people.”

There was a paused where Sean just waited for him to continue.

After a minute of patient silence, Theo started to explain everything. “So what had happened was, Ingrid noticed that…”

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“…and then I got told today to come here for therapy.” Theo finished his summary of the events that had led to now.

“Thank you for sharing that, Theo. It couldn’t have been easy on anyone, and especially one in the thick of it and making decisions.”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t really hurt. Sure, I got banged up a bit, but I recovered. I wasn’t even paralysed – I know that has really affected…some people.”

“But just like being paralysed, you don’t need to be physically injured to be hurt.” Sean gently responded. Theo thought back to Chris’ words, and couldn’t help but agree.

“Still, I’m okay. I’m doing better than a lot of people.”

Sean nodded. “I understand that you feel fine, but there is a reason we were asked to provide therapy to everyone, and not just those most affected. Doing better doesn’t necessarily mean doing well.”

And then Sean sat there in silence, letting Theo mull over what he said.

If Theo were to ask himself, he wouldn’t confidently say that he was doing okay, let alone well. He was managing to put one foot in front of the other and go about his day, but that would only work so long.

A small voice in his head suggested that if he ran fast enough and did enough things, he could avoid having to ever actually address it. He ignored it.

He didn’t know if it was the location, Sean, or something in the air, but Theo just felt like laying everything bare.

“I…” Theo sighed, hesitating. “I’ve been feeling some pressure to be a leader recently. And I didn’t go into this wanting to be a leader, I just…kinda fell into it.”

“It felt good. It felt right, almost. And I swore that we would get through it without anyone else being attacked.” Theo swallowed, throat dry and voice growing croaky. “Not only did we get attacked, my girlfriend got paralysed.”

Sean winced, knowingly. “Ah.”

“If I didn’t make those calls, maybe she would be alright.” Theo realised that his eyes and head had been dropping, and he’d gone from maintaining eye contact to staring at the floorboards. There was a mournful wistfulness in his tone, as if seeing a world where that night went differently

“You know, in our line of work, getting scarred in all sorts of ways is an occupational hazard.” Sean chuckled to himself. Theo didn’t need to look at the grooves cut into his skin to know what he was talking about. It did make Theo wonder about what Sean used to get up to. He made a note to wheedle some stories out of him after a few drinks.

“Hypothetically, if you hadn’t made the decisions, would the spies still have been in the estate?” Sean innocently asked.

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“Well…yes.” Theo admitted.

“If you hadn’t pursued them, would they have left without hurting anyone else?”

Theo thought back to the way the whole mansion shook as its foundations were attacked. He shook his head. “No.”

“You did what you could. The only ones who were responsible on that night for what happened, were the spies. Not you.”

The moment Sean said that, Theo felt his chest relax. It was easier to breathe. He smiled. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Sean waved him off, smiling as well. And then he sat there in silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but it was a silence, and he felt compelled to fill it. Maybe that’s why Sean was silent.

“You know how I mentioned pressure?” It left Theo’s mouth before he realised. He swallowed, mouth dry. “I…don’t think I like it.” He sat back in his chair, right arm gripping his left as he looked to the side.

“Would you like to talk about that?” Sean resumed his silence, waiting patiently for his response. Theo carefully considered the question. He definitely did. He knew that if he was to talk about the pressure, it would invariably lead to the prophecy. A prophecy on his shoulders was nothing but pressure. But would it be okay to reveal that to Sean?

As Theo worked out the mental calculus of whether or not it would be a good idea, Sean sat there, content to wait for him to complete his thoughts. Theo was still wary, and he knew that there was no way for him to un-tell a secret.

But this one would get out eventually. Theo had no idea quite what it was preparing him for, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be something one would easily forget.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“There’s a prophecy.”

Theo opened his eyes, to find Sean looking completely unaffected and waiting for him to continue.

“And it’s all on me. I’m the one who discovered it, the one who has to find others and organise them apparently. I took on the responsibility, and now I’m afraid of failing. Of ruining the world.” He ran a hand through his hair, remembering to take a breath before continuing with his ramble.

“I feel… like I have to carry this secret in my chest that I can’t talk to anyone about. And even if I could, it’s not like anyone would understand. I’m the only one who has to deal with this.” Sean just nodded, in understanding. Theo wasn’t even sure he understood what he was trying to say.

“…aren’t you going to say that it’s a big deal? Or look shocked?” The comment slipped out before Theo realised. Today was a day for accidental outbursts, apparently.

Sean laughed again, and for the first time today there was no hint of bitterness that lingered. “I won’t say that it’s not a big deal,” he admitted, “But I’ve heard a few in my day. It’s intimidating, and I can see why you say you felt pressured, but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”

As Sean said that, Theo felt some of that pressure disappear.

“If you look at the number that the Gods send around all the areas that the Guild of Magic serve, there’s a few each year.” Sean looked kindly at Theo. He paused, and this was less a complete silence and more hesitation. “You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to…but I’m curious about what it relates to.”

Theo found that it took him very little time to respond. Maybe having decided to share made it a lot easier to continue. “It’s about Union City.” Sean’s face froze at that. What he added next didn’t help. “It was a hidden prophecy from Libera the Kind.”

Sean’s nod in response to this was a lot more mechanical than he’d been, but he soon recovered.

“That’s tough.” Sean summed it up simply.

“Yep.” Theo popped the word, as Sean tried to make the silence comfortable once more. Theo spent that time ruminating and reflecting.

He articulated what he felt. “It’s stressful. And I don’t know what to do.”

Sean agreed. “It sounds tough. Would you like to explore how we can get through this?” He asked.

“…sure.”

“What have you been doing so far?”

Theo shrugged. “I…haven’t done anything, really.” He admitted. “I just go to The Woods and meditate, or hang around at The Pub, but other than that no, not really.” He was starting to realise just how little time he gave himself. To be fair, he had a lot on.

“Even then. The Woods is still related to the prophecy, and you know very well that I’m performing at The Pub.” Theo mused. “I don’t think I know when to take a break, frankly.”

“Well,” Sean looked him straight in the eyes. “If you feel the pressure building up, you need to take a break. If you start to feel too tired or exhausted, you need to take a break. If you feel stressed out…” Sean trailed off.

“…I need to take a break.” Theo finished the pattern.

Sean gave him a thumbs up. “Exactly. And I mean a proper break. Go to a bathhouse, or see a show. Don’t just take a slightly longer break from training. I’m sure if you asked Alan he’d be fine with you taking more breaks.”

Theo nodded knowingly. “And that will fix me.”

Sean hesitated. “Not quite.” He quickly continued, as he saw Theo’s face furrow in confusion.

“You are not broken or in need of fixing. Nobody is. You just need a bit of refreshing and a break. In fact, you should be taking breaks regularly.” Sean held his hands up. “I know, but the fact of the matter is that keeping cool under pressure is very important for us and what we do. Better to take some extra time now to rest up, rather than be sleep-deprived and miss a shot. Also better than letting the stress get to you until have a full mental breakdown.”

“It’s a lot easier to address these things before they get out of hand.” Sean added.

Theo looked at Sean’s scars. Now, more than any other time, Theo was certain Sean was speaking from experience.