Chapter 15: Clinging to Yesterday

~Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.~—Hermann Hesse

It was perhaps the first dinner Jake and Dannie ate together without glaring at each other and feeling resentful. It had grown quite dark by now, and the only light came from the fire. The rain continued to come down, but it was no longer as heavy as before. The storm had subsided and turned into a light drizzle.

“By tomorrow, it will all be done, and we can continue without a hitch,” Jake said. Dannie gave an absent nod.

“I’m not working for Calhoon, just so you know,” she suddenly declared.

It took Jake a moment to react.

“Oh, that, yeah,” he said with a laugh at last. “I sort of figured it out, by now. You don’t exactly behave the way a girl of Calhoon’s would. Right from the start, Bessie made herself appealin’ to me, while you seemed determined to make me dislike you.”

“I did nothing of the sort!” Dannie argued. “I was only disagreeable because you insisted on being so cross. Admit it, Jake, you were mean to me on purpose.”

“Yeah, I guess I was.” Jake scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. “I’m known in these parts to be less than kind to the female race. The ladies of Hopewing will gladly tell you that.

“I don’t go into the town much, but when I do, I keep to myself and never speak to women. And that’s not because I’m afraid someone will give me away to Calhoon. It’s because I know they’ll all jump at me with advice and ‘words of comfort’ that will only add to the sting. People mean well, but I know they can’t understand.”

“If it is any comfort, Jake, I think I do understand.” Dannie’s voice was gentle and sweet. It was a tone she had never used with him before, and something in it touched his heart.

They were both leaning against a large boulder, watching the Arizona night as it spread out from the entrance of the cave.

“What do you mean?” he asked in an equally gentle voice.

“~Who comforteth us in all our tribulation~,” Dannie softly quoted, “~that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God~.

“I know what it is like to suddenly lose your entire family and be stranded all alone with no idea of where to go. Not to mention, there are people out there who think my education and gentle breeding make me a useless person.”

Jake’s face burned red at the last sentence.

“I know we come from very different worlds, Jake, and that our life stories have been very different, but I too know what it means to have your heart broken; to be betrayed by one you loved and trusted.

“I also know God has a plan, Jake, and I know He is watching over you—and someday, He’ll make all the wrongs right again.”

Dannie fell silent. She suddenly felt very silly; this was no time for sermons.

Jake looked at her in the faint glow of the fire. Her hair was still down, reaching to the lower half of her back. Her eyes were fixed on her fingers as they played with a little twig.

There was something different about her—he couldn’t exactly say what. But somehow, the Danielle Preston he was looking at right now didn’t at all remind him of the Danielle Preston he had met at the Callaways’.

“You’ve got a stick in yer hair,” he suddenly noticed. “Hold on a sec, I’ll get it out.” Reaching over, he played with the twig until he freed it from the knots. Dannie’s hair was silky and soft. He liked the feel of it.

“That’s what happens when you dance about in the rain,” he joked, throwing the twig away. “Maybe next time you’ll listen to the voice of reason before you run around doing silly things.”

She laughed at his words. “I can do whatever pleases me, thank you very much, Paul.”

“Jake.”

Dannie gasped and turned beet red. “Good heavens, did I just call you Paul again?”

“Yup, seems you have quite the habit.”

“Oh dear, how dreadfully embarrassing!” Dannie buried her face in her hands. “I’ve never mixed up people’s names before. I’m so sorry, Jake, this is the third time I’ve done it in one day.”

Inwardly, Jake had to admit it was getting rather annoying that Dannie kept calling him Paul, and it was even more annoying that she did it when there was something of a tender moment between the two of them.

He didn’t want her to feel bad though, so he gave a kind chuckle. “Don’t worry, I’m not offended, though I am wonderin’ why you keep doing it.”

“I wish I knew,” Dannie tried to keep her blush under control. “I suppose it’s because the only time I’ve ever been alone with a man was when I was with Paul, and so I just call that name out of habit.”

“Ah,” Jake nodded his head. “So where did you meet him, if he was from New York?”

“With all due respect, it is not something I enjoy talking about.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t like talking about my life either, but I told you the whole thing from cover to cover. Come on, return the favor, tell me somethin’ about yourself and the man you keep confusin’ me with.”

The much-hated blush came rushing back. “I am not confusing you with him,” Dannie stammered. “It is just…well…I’m…that is… I bumped into Paul two weeks after my sixteenth birthday.”

“You bumped into each other?”

“Yes, quite literally. It was in Oxford. My father had gone there to visit a friend, and I had accompanied him. I had gone for a walk and taken a book with me. I got so engrossed reading it that I wasn’t watching where I was going. I walked straight into him.”

“You were walkin’ down a street readin’ a book?”

“Not a street. It was in one of the parks. Oxford is a wonderful old city, so full of history and education. Paul was finding the place quite dull, had gone in search of some amusement.”

“But instead, he found you.”

Dannie frowned. “Yes, instead he found me.” Despite herself, Dannie found her mind wandering back to the day she first fell in love. It was a bitter memory, but there was some sweetness to it as well.

“What does he look like?”

“Paul? Many call him a handsome man. Not quite as tall as you, but of good stature, with dark brown hair and the bluest eyes you could ever imagine. He’s from an affluent family, greatly respected in New York society. Always well-dressed, extremely good manners. And how smart he is, so very smart. If Mamma ever worried about me outsmarting a man, that was not possible with Paul.”

Dannie gave a sad laugh. “I suppose that’s why I thought we were right for each other. We liked the same books, we liked to converse on the same subjects.

“More than once, Paul told me I was the only girl who could carry on an educated and sensible conversation. I didn’t gabble on and on about the weather or try to fill him in on the latest gossip. I could speak of things that had meaning and worth.

“I still remember the day he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I was the happiest girl in England that day.”

Jake didn’t know why, but the image of some smart and well-dressed New Yorker going down on his knee to Dannie made him want to jump up and punch the boulder. Instead, he poked the fire viciously with a stick, stirring up sparks and smoke.

One or two people had called Jacob Wade a handsome man. A few had even called him smart. But nobody, not even his mother, had ever called him well-dressed, well-read, or good-mannered.

One thing he did know, though. He could outride any ninny of a New Yorker any day of the week.