It would have been so much easier to say Yes to Wolf's question if he'd been a different sort of man and I'd been a different sort of girl.
In my head, I imagined that any other girl in the world would squeal with happiness and throw herself into her boyfriend's arms if he made that sort of proposal to herâand simultaneously, I imagined that there was something deficient in me that made me ask him for time to think.
The only answer worse than No was I need to think about it.
After we'd slept and showered the eight-hour flight off ourselves, we raided Wolf's cupboards for pre-dinner snacks, neither of us trusting Graeme and Xander's cooking.
"I feel so guilty snacking like this when she's probably been slaving in the kitchen all afternoon," I moaned, tearing off a long stretch of a red Fruit Roll-Ups.
We were in the car, heading to Graeme and Xander Elliot's new penthouse. Traffic was slow, almost bumper to bumper, and we inched along at half the usual pace.
"You should have thought about that before chowing down on that enormous bowl of Lucky Charms earlier," Wolf pointed out, but he said it with a smile. "Thanks," he said as he accepted the candy and popped it in his mouth, letting one end hang over his lips.
I couldn't hold back my smile as I watched him nibble at it, ever few seconds munching another bite until the entire strip was gone.
In so many ways we were getting to know each other again. He wasn't the arrogant boy I'd met in the Netherlands, nor the arrogant man I'd met again in New York.
I'd let Wolf go when I left New York, in my life, at least, if not in my heart. It was pretty hard to evict someone from there, especially a tenant as tenacious as Wolf. He was more of a squatter, really. He spread out and took up all the room and crept into the places where it'd be hardest to leave.
Coming back to New York felt like finding him again. Whoever he was now was meeting the person I was now, and those people felt brand-new and untouched by our past, even though I wasn't naive enough to believe we could escape it altogether.
This time around, things made more senseâwe made more sense.
Long ago, I'd likened Wolf to a season. I hadn't thawed his icy tendrils and cold biteâno one could do that but him. But maybe he yearned for the warm blush of the spring sun and blossoms on trees and birds in the air. Maybe I had learned to revel in the snow and find the beauty in the ice. Winter would transition into spring, but spring would not be unaltered by winter's presence.
Balance.
"It sort of feels like we're turning a page," said Wolf. "Instead of re-reading the same paragraph over and over."
"I feel it, too."
"About the apartment..." Wolf began to say, eyes focused on the road ahead and not at me.
I'd been waiting for this. As much as he'd changed, he could still be pigheaded when it came to getting his way. He'd been pretty good about not pressing me for an answer, but it had to be driving him crazy.
I let the "Yeah?" drag itself from my lips.
"Maybe we should think about doing what Graeme and Xand did. Finding a new place that's both of ours instead of you moving into my place. I mean, if you decide to move in." Wolf cleared his throat. "Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't bug you about it, but you have no idea what it's like not to nag when you want something so badly."
I couldn't help but be touched. "It's not that I don't want to live with you. It's just that...I'm scared."
At this, finally looked at me, a flash of concern crossing his face. "Of me?"
Leaning out, I laid my hand on his arm. The muscles beneath were firm and taut, but his grip on the steering wheel was almost lethal.
"Not of moving in with you. Of moving out of the honeymoon period." I swallowed. "What if we still aren't ready? What if this is only working because we're on our best behavior? What if this doesn't last?"
His answering smile made me lose my breath. "Baby, what if it does? Take a chance on me."
I swallowed a wad of strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups. "Always."
As soon as I agreed, I knew it had been the right thing to do. I waited for the self-doubt to creep in, but it didn't. Something momentous had just taken place and no part of me wanted to fight against it. I wanted to embrace it.
"Levi's bringing his girlfriend," murmured Wolf. "I wonder what that'll be like."
"What do you mean?" Puzzled, I offered him another piece of candy. "Graeme met her over summer. She said, and I quote, 'She had spunk'. And she's really pretty. She seems lovely, overall."
"We don't know her. It'll be weird making small talk," said Wolf. "She's a stranger at a family dinner."
"Not too long ago, you considered your own brother a stranger to you." The reminder made me annoyed even to this day. "Please don't tell me you're thinking she's after him for his money," I continued in a withering tone.
Because we all know how wrong your assumption about me was, honey buns.
Now it was his turn to be annoyed. "That's not what I meant. When you meet someone for the first time, the question that invariably comes up is What do you do for a living? And what's my answer? Oh, I resigned my well-paying job and decided to find myself. And since I suck at finding myself, I'm just following my girlfriend to South Africa for her work like a tagalong boyfriend. Or an extra piece of luggage. Ugh. I'm basically luggage. Dead weight."
"Wolf, I never carry extra baggage with me on trips." I smiled. "You're my boyfriend. You're allowed to come with me without feeling redundant."
"And in the meantime I'm unemployed and living off my trust fund. That was, like, my father's definition of a hippie."
"Pretty sure most hippies don't have trust funds."
Wolf scowled. "You're missing the point." He flicked on his turn signal and started to parallel park.
The ease with which he slid between two cars never failed to amaze me, even though the idea of driving in this city honestly terrified me.
I peered out at the brownstone next to us. "Nice place."
Wolf followed my gaze. "It is," he agreed, the words ending on a heavy sigh.
"Hey." I took his hand in mine after he turned off the ignition. "It's okay that you don't have things figured out yet. Look at me, I walked away from my own company to write freelance travel articles. Levi left van der Waals Enterprises to become an artistâa hugely successful one, too, I might add. Sometimes the risk equals the reward. Or even exceeds it."
"Like us," Wolf stated, and I smiled, nodding.
"Like us," I agreed. "I know you had issues with your dad, Wolf, but forget about what he would think. All I want you to think about is this: live a life you're proud to lead. Be the person you want to be. And the beautiful thing about life is that if ever we aren't happy about who we are, we can wake up the next day with the strength to start over."
Like me. Like Levi. Like so many other people who had to leave home in order to find it again.
"You missed your calling as a motivational speaker," said Wolf. His smile was faint, but it was there, and it still counted.
I took it as a win and leaned forward to capture his lips. "We'll figure it out, Wolf. Together." And then, because I couldn't resist a little dig, I added, "After all, I am after your trust fund. After all the time I've invested in you I deserve a little something-something."
He knew me well enough to roll his eyes. "Shut up," he grumbled good-naturedly, and then, to make sure I did, he kissed me again.
Not that I was complaining. I may not have been a gold-digger, but I had no moral objections to stealing kisses, especially when they were so willingly given.
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