December 22, 2010Â 5:00 p.m.
It feels like I've done more than wrench my arm free. It feels like I've torn something irreversible. Pain is frozen on his face and his hand lingers in the air before dropping uselessly to his side.
I wish I could apologize, but my mouth just won't open. I stare at him in mute shame and he meets my eyes with bewildered hurt.
"Why are you two holding up the line?" Levi's voice asks, and I realize that sometime in the last twenty seconds, he and the others have returned. Beyond Wolf's shoulder I spot Graeme, who for once gives me a smile instead of her trademark scowl.
"Let's go!" Xander butts in, appearing next to Graeme.
Everything feels like it's happening in slow motion. In a fog, I start to move, following the others out the door. My steps feel heavy and my chest feels tight, dragging me down with the dead weight of an anchor.
I've never thought of myself as a mean person. I've never derided or mocked someone in public, never made someone cry. In school, I was never a bully. In my whole life, I can't remember a time when I said something cruel just because I could.
As a child, when I expressed this to my mother, she said that mean people were only mean because they were desperately unhappy. That there was something tearing them up inside, clawing to get out. And the only way they ever felt a moment of peace was if they clawed at someone else first.
As clear as day, I can see my jagged claw marks across Wolf's chest. Gaping wounds that I caused with my thoughtless, cruel words. I should have said I'm sorry, I think morosely, trailing after the others.
"Don't mess around with Charlotte," I hear Xander tell Wolf. "Seriously, whatever game you're playing with Diana, don't involve Charlotte."
Wolf says nothing, which only aggravates Xander further. His jaw ticks as Wolf overtakes him, reaching his car first.
Diana waits for us at Wolf's car. As usual, she's engrossed in her phone, fingers flying over the keys at record-breaking speed. "So, any of you bitches turn out to be witches?" she asks casually, slanting her eyes at me with a smirk.
"Lay off," Levi mutters at the same moment Graeme raises her middle finger and flips Diana off.
The jovial atmosphere has evaporated. Though they don't know what happened, I think they can sense that the mood is different now. Wolf's face is inscrutable as he pulls out his keys.
"Come on, Charlotte." Levi tugs my arm. "Let's go."
The drive back to the van der Waals is spent in not talking; I stare morosely out the window while Levi hums along to Christmas tunes on the radio. I don't feel like making small talk, so I'm grateful he's distracted. Outside, the landscape whizzes by. People in colorful scarves, bundled from head to toe in layers, look like blurs as we drive past. A child drags a sled up a hill and I smile as he or she reaches the top.
Ahead of us, two female riders approach, their horses' hooves clip-clopping loudly against the road. Both of them are wearing bright red sweaters; the blond's matches her lipstick and her lips stretch into a broad grin as she sees me watching her. Her hand raises in a wave, a gesture I mimic back to her. The brunette woman beams like she's never been this happy before, making me irrationally angry. Christmas cheer is everywhere but it's not in the least bit infectious.
"You okay?" Levi questions as the house comes into view. "You're keeping pretty quiet."
"I'm fine." I have no intention of telling him otherwise. What else could I say? I'm sorry I hurt your brother's heart, I thought I could get away with it because I assumed he didn't have one?
"Diana seems peeved," Levi continues. "I think you're really getting to her."
"Oh?" I quirk an eyebrow.
"Mhm." Levi pulls into the garage and turns off the engine. "She's being less subtle in her jabs than usual. Honestly, this catty bullshit is so beneath her."
I murmur noncommittally. Sure, sure. Whatever you say.
Twisting in his seat, Levi frowns. "Huh. I thought they'd have beaten us back here."
I mirror his movement. Sure enough, Wolfram's car is not on the driveway. "They're not back already?" I ask, echoing his confusion. "Weren't they ahead of us?"
He purses his lips. "They probably stopped somewhere." Levi seems unconcerned, so I shrug it off as well and get out of the car, taking my shopping with me.
"Wanna go for a walk?" he asks. "Here, I'll hold that for you."
"No, it's okay."
"You sure?"
I nod. "Positive. It hardly weighs anything. But I will take you up on that walk. After driving with you, I need to get my land legs back," I tease.
"Not you, too!" Levi groans. "Wolf's always on my back about my driving."
Mention of his brother makes me tense, something which doesn't go unnoticed. "Hey, is everything okay with you two?" His eyebrows come together in concern. "It seemed like there was something going on earlier."
"Me being an idiot,"I admit. "I said something I shouldn't have." I wait for Levi to pry into what it is exactly that I said, but he surprises me by smiling.
"Good," he says cheerfully. "Then you probably gave Wolf a taste of his own medicine."
"I wasn't trying to teach him a lesson," I say as we fall into step side by side. His path is clear, he's taking me to the garden I noticed in the background of the living room. Snow crunches under our feet as we traipse across the lawn. It's not as cold as it was before, but I can already feel a chill seeping into my bones.
As we go around the side of the house, I see that I underestimated just how spacious their home is - judging by the amount of windows, there's probably a few dozens rooms that I haven't even seen yet.
"That doesn't mean he didn't need to be taught one," Levi archly comments.
I bite my tongue. Maybe Wolf does need to learn how to deal with what he dished out, but I shouldn't have been the one to teach that particular lesson.
The garden looks beautiful. There is a mini labyrinth of hedges and copse of trees where golden fairy lights shimmer at me like diamonds. We duck under the branches and amble through the hedges in companionable silence.
The air is cold on my face and I tilt my chin up, letting miniscule snowflakes flutter onto my cheeks. My eyes close as I enjoy the sensation and let my worries about Wolfram melt away as easily as the snow on my cheeks.
Traveling is never something I have taken for granted. When I was young, the smallest excuse to hop in the car and drive gave me pleasure, even if it was just a trip to visit Grandma in upstate New York. Traveling with my parents usually meant losing ten pounds and gaining callouses on my feet from the madcap touring. Florida would have been the same; waking up at the crack of dawn to squeeze in every minute of the amusement parks so we could get our money's worth.
But this? This, despite the strange family dynamics, was a peaceful vacation. Oudewater was beautiful; it had a strange, stark beauty that seemed out of this world. Life was simple. There was nature everywhere and time had a way of slowing down. Everything felt full of possibilities. I wasn't rushing to go anywhere and see anything; I was moving slowly, letting the day take me where it wanted to go. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time.
"Don't write him off."
I open my eyes, blinking into the bleak whiteness. My eyes adjust before I zone in on Levi. "What?"
He repeats, "Don't write Wolf off."
Is that supposed to be code for something? Like "Please date my brother"? "Apologize for hurting his feelings"?
"You'll have to be more specific," I say with a wry smile. "Unlike everyone else, I didn't major in Cryptic in college."
A good-natured laugh bursts out of him. "That's why I like you. You've got spunk." His face grows serious. "I'm just saying don't take everything he says at face value."
I shrug. I'm not willing to commit to anything.
Levi lets it go and lightly touches my elbow. "Your nose is getting cold. Let's go in?"
At my nod, we turn and head back to the house, passing under the twinkling lights as we go. I trade blustery cold for oven hot; the second we enter the back door I feel that familiar itchy, suffocating sensation. We shed our coats quickly and a helpful Humphries hangs them up for us with a cheery smile.
"Did Miss enjoy her outing?" he asks, smoothing out a crinkle in my jacket before sliding the coat closet shut.
"Yes, thank you," I say with a smile.
The door opens behind us and I turn, my smile faltering as Wolf enters the house. He looks startled to see me before he hides once again under his mask of indifference.
The same old game, then. Resolved not to cower, I fix him with my sunniest smile. "Hi, guys," I greet.
Levi turns too, grinning when he sees our friends. Smiles come easily to him. It's as natural to him as breathing. "What took you so long?" he questions.
Wolf doesn't answer, just brushes past to hand his coat to the butler. Levi's smile fades and I feel a burgeoning flush of red-hot anger. Unlike his brother, Wolf treats smiles and kindness like precious commodities to be rationed and doled out only to the worthiest of his subjects.
"Oh, Humphries." I smile at him, reaching into my shopping bag and pulling out a gift-wrapped package. It's the chocolates I picked up at the bazaar.
He looks flustered. "Oh, Miss, I...."
I think I've embarrassed him. "You've been so kind to me," I insist. "Please, accept this Christmas present."
"Thank you." Humphries accepts my gift with reverence.
With the exception of Graeme and Wolf, we all smile at him as we trudge upstairs. Maybe it's because of the activity I got in the afternoon, but this time, I don't feel out of breath by the time I reach the top. It's a small, silly victory, but I feel elated nonetheless.
As we all branch off to our respective rooms, I freeze. "Wait, where's Diana?"
Graeme turns. "Does it matter?" She arches her brow.
"She, um, sort of..." Xander trails off, trying to pick his words with delicate care. "Well, the thing is..."
"She decided she wouldn't get out of the car until Wolfram came down to talk to her," Graeme cuts in.
"But it's freezing!" Levi exclaims.
"Her choice," Wolf says coldly, not bothering to stop. He continues to his room without saying goodbye to any of us.
"What happened?" I ask in a hushed whisper.
"She wanted to walk down memory lane," Graeme says with a roll of her eyes. "Of course, she only wanted to relive the good memories. And Wolf was happy to remind her of the bad parts she was so eager to gloss over."
Levi stares at his shoes, uncomfortable. Picking up on the sudden shift in his mood, I decide not to ask any more questions about Diana.
"Xander, want to hang out in my room?" Graeme asks.
"Sure." Xander gives me a lopsided grin as the two part from us.
"This must be hard for you, too," I say, voice low. "And yet you're trying to convince me to give Wolf a chance." I don't bother to disguise the confusion in my voice as I stare at him.
Levi raises his eyes to meet mine.
"Why?" I can't help but ask.
"He may not be my brother, but I'm always going to be his." He looks morose yet full of vigor. "That means I'm going to look out for him."
"Seems like a thankless job," I comment.
"Isn't everything?" he returns, the arch of his eyebrow daring me to challenge him.
I have no answer to that. Swiftly changing the subject, I say, "I think I'm going to lie down for a while. It's been a long day."
Levi nods. "I'll see you at dinner."
"Ok." Exchanging smiles, Levi heads off to his room while I head up to the next floor. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. At home, I normally pump myself full of coffee in order to keep my eyes open, but this isn't my home and I don't feel comfortable wandering into the kitchen to make myself something to drink.
Or, I think, more likely there's a cook or maid who would insist on making my coffee for me. I let myself into my room and flop onto the bed, curling under the covers. There's Smart Water on the nightstand next to me, but I'm not in the mood for water.
After I send my mom the pictures I took at the bazaar, I tuck my phone in next to me under the sheets and close my eyes. It doesn't take me long to doze off, but just before I'm truly fast asleep, there's a knock at my door. Rubbing my eyes blearily, I sit up straight. "Yes?" I call out, unsure. My voice is thick from sleep.
"Can I come in?"
My brow furrows. "Wolf?"
"Yeah."
Even though I'm fully dressed, I drag the covers up to my neck. "What is it?"
"Can I come in?" He sounds a little annoyed. Girls are probably inviting him to their rooms all the time; I wonder if I'm the first to keep him out.
"Um, yeah. Sure."
He enters and I immediately feel small; his large stature seems out of place in the delicate, feminine room. Wolf's eyes rove over me and a smirk tugs at his lips. "Are you naked?"
"What?" I yelp.
He gestures to the blanket with his free hand. In the other he's holding a silver tray with two mugs on it.
"Oh." I let it drop to my waist. "No. I was just taking a nap."
"Thought you might want something to drink. I can go, if you - " he starts to say, but I vehemently shake my head.
"God, yes. Please tell me that's coffee?" I say hopefully.
He chuckles, the sound velvety and guttural. He sits down at the foot of the bed, his butt only an inch or two away from my calves. The bed dips under his weight. "Yes. Cream and one sugar okay?"
"Perfect." I accept the mug he offers me and breathe in the aroma of roasted beans. My eyes close as I inhale deeply. "Thank you." There is no love on this earth stronger than the bond between man and coffee. To me, it smells like good-mornings and new beginnings and pick-me-ups and snow-days and autumn breezes all at once. This coffee, I think, also smells like an I'm-sorry and a let's-be-friends.
"I'm sorry," we both say at the same time.
"No," I say quickly, holding my hand up to ward off his speech. "Me first." I take a deep breath. "Wolf, I shouldn't have said that to you. I'm really sorry."
"Don't apologize." His voice is rough. He's close enough that I can see the gray of his irises and the flecks of silver and charcoal surrounding them. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have provoked you."
That much is true, so I don't bother to protest that he didn't do anything wrong. Some girls would have, but if there's an apology I'm owed, I won't stave it off just to be polite.
"Truce?" I offer. I hold out my hand. "Let's be friends."
He looks taken aback. "I've never been friends with a girl."
I lean forward. "Want to know a secret?" I lower my voice so he has to bend closer to hear me. Our heads are nearly touching when I whisper, "Neither have I."
Wolf throws his head back and laughs. "So you and Xander. Just friends?"
"Just friends." I take a greedy gulp of the coffee. It's good. Espresso, maybe. It burns the back of my throat going down, but I don't care. Whether it's the coffee or the fact Wolfram van der Waals is on my bed, I feel delirious. Forgiveness and friendship flood rampant through my veins, the sweetness of the coffee spiking my blood.
"Diana's still in the car," he muses out of the blue and I break into laughter with gusto.
"Do ultimatums usually work on you?" I ask.
"Never."
"How come?"
He purses his lips in thought. "I guess because I don't believe it's right to back someone into a corner. I don't like my hand being forced."
I nod. I understand that. "For someone who plays games, you don't seem to enjoy them much," I observe, taking another sip of coffee.
"I only play games if I'm confident I'll win the outcome."
"I don't play games at all."
He gives me a half-smile. "Yeah, I'm starting to see that about you. But sometimes, the game is all there is."
"That's sad." Immediately, I wonder if I've crossed a line. I dart a glance at his face, trying to gauge his reaction. His moods are mercurial; after we've just called a truce, I don't want to break it into shambles.
"That's because you're on the outside, looking in."
I cock my head, trying to make sense of that.
Elaborating, he adds, "You think it's sad because you come here and you get dazed by the stuff, but ultimately, you realize my world is empty. Money, cars, nice house." He lets his gaze linger on me for a long moment. "Levi thinks it's sad, too."
Cautious, I ask, "What do you think?"
He gives me a resigned smile. "I think I've known it was empty all along."
Author's Note: Wolf x Charlotte share another (nice?) moment together. Is there hope for these two yet? :)
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