[daydreams of fake people]
i spent four weeks wandering around my apartment
i slept ten and a half hours a day
and i woke up at four and
pretended he was there
during the day
i sat on the ground and cried
calmed myself down
then stared at my dog's sad eyes
proceeded to cry for another thirty minutes
i listened to the playlist i made of all the songs he'd listen to
i opened up a pack of cigarettes
i could still smell the smoke he would puff as we watched tv together
i opened up a lighter
i tried to smoke, as if it would make anything better
i burnt my finger
i laid with my dog and cried
i threw away the cigarettes
i sat up and blew my nose
i took a shower
i changed into real clothes
i started making brownies
i called my mom while they baked
and i asked my neighbor
if she wanted to watch a movie
she asked about my finger
i laughed
and said i burnt it
while
i tried to keep a dying cigarette alive
i smoke?
no i dont
then why did i have a cigarette?
some people have a way of
making me try things
even after they've left
-when home alone for too long, i wondered what i'd do without my father. [who is alive; and has never smoked a cigarette.]