Chapter Twenty-Two
Even with the note in the back of my mind, I was still looking forward to my lesson with Ethan that afternoon. My body still hummed from finally getting the release I needed, and whilst I knew there wasn't going to be anything romantic happening in our lesson, just being near him would be enough.
He was a comforting presence.
I would have told him about the note, but there had been an explicit instruction not to, and I was loathed to give up my scholarship before I found out what their demands were going to be. Knowing Amber, it was bound to be something that would humiliate me in public. I could withstand that, though. I could deal with it if it meant keeping my place at the school and myself out of a jail cell.
Then again, she'd probably make me do a load of stuff and then dump the proof she supposedly had on anyone she could get her hands on. I was in the shit.
Ethan was pacing when I entered the classroom. He was pacing, and early. That was never a good sign. The smile he gave me was tight-lipped, and he couldn't look me in the eye. "We'll try out some of the solo sections for Cinderella today." He turned on the music and my face dropped.
He regretted it.
It was written all over the way he could barely look at me. He wished it hadn't happened.
So I didn't say a word. I didn't attempt to talk about it, and I didn't attempt to joke around or tease him. I did what he instructed and tried to stop myself bursting into tears. I supposed it wasn't too surprisingâhe'd risked his career and it had been a stupid move. But we hadn't been caught. We could stay away from each other until I left school easily enough.
The stiffness in his body whenever he looked at me spoke of a completely different story, though. He hated himself for what we did last night.
That didn't suggest he was just trying really hard to hold off until my graduation.
I went through the lesson in silence, finding myself lost in the flow of the moves even with Ethan's presence nagging at the back of my mind. He only corrected me verbally todayâthere wasn't even a professional touch when he told me that my back wasn't straight enough.
When I realised that he was teaching me the moves that would transition into a scene where Cinderella danced with the Prince, I was drawn out of my learning trance. In any other circumstances, Ethan would have slotted himself against me and we'd have just continued to dance flawlessly.
It would have been sensual, but we would never have deviated from the moves. Sharing our breaths, touching chastely; it was all part of the act that set our skin on fire. Being restrained by the moves just made it even sexier.
"You regret it, don't you?" I stood, hands clasped in front of me, wishing he would at least look at me.
"Yes, I do." He met me head on for a few moments before giving up running a hand over his face. "You're eighteen, Carly. You're my student. What we did isn't okay. I can be fired for a reason."
My eyebrows shot up. "You're worried you took advantage of me?"
"I'm six years older than you. I'm supposed to be looking after you."
"You're being ridiculous." I folded my arms and stared at him intently. "You didn't do anything I didn't want, you have to know that really, don't you? I really like you. Because you're you, not because you've done anything wrong. I was flirting with you more than you ever flirted with me." I fired him what I hoped was a reassuring grin. "I turned you to the dark side, not the other way around."
Ethan's mouth quirked, but it wasn't a proper smile. It wasn't what I'd hoped for. "Do you want to go for a walk? I don't really feel comfortable talking inside the building." There were no cameras in the ballet studio, but I knew what he meant. I was constantly checking the door to make sure no one was approaching.
"Sure." I snatched my cardigan from the barre, and whilst I knew it wouldn't be enough to keep the cold away, I didn't really care. We exited the studio and took a long, winding path away from Briarwood's main building. We were a more than comfortable distance away from each other, and the chill overtook my body in no time.
Ethan stopped when we reached a bench and gestured for me to sit down. His body was still stiff as he followed suit. "I know what you're saying makes sense, but it's hard to disconnect from the reality of our situation. There's a reason people judge things like this. Generally speaking, these situations don't exactly come from mutual respect. They're abuse."
My eyebrows knitted as I watched his scrunched up face. "The fact you're even considering whether it's abuse should be enough to tell you that it isn't." I sighed and tried to figure my words out so that I could really tell him what I meant. I wanted to take his hands in mine and let him feel the way just having his skin on mine made me want to jump him. "Ethan I really like you. I even tried not to because I know it's wrong, too, but there are always exceptions to the rule. You're younger than most teachers. It's only six years between us. This isn't some creepy old guy taking advantage of the poor little girl who doesn't know anything about what she's doing. You know me well enough to know that's not who I am."
He took a deep breath and forced himself to hold my gaze. His green eyes were burning in shame and I wished I could take that away. I wanted to show him that he was everything to meâthat my feelings for him might be stupid and unreasonable, but very real. "I do know that," he admitted, running a hand through his hair, then leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to my lips.
I responded without hesitation. There was nothing in the back of my mind warning me that this might be wrong; nothing telling me to run for the hillsâeverything in me screamed to get as close to him as possible.
I laced my fingers through his hair and pulled him to me. If he wasn't going to listen to my words, maybe I could show him with my body.
I couldn't get too frisky on a bench, but I kissed him deep; took control even though he'd been the one to initiate it. My other hand balled into the front of his tight dancing shirt and it didn't let go. I wanted him all over me. Desire swept through me, demanding that I kiss him, that he press his hard body against mine until I was quivering with need.
For a moment Ethan was frozen, as though he'd really expected me to shove him away with disgust when he planted his lips on mine. But when he realised just how desperately I was responding, he followed suit. His fingers bit into my hips and I could feel his arms shaking as he tried to resist pulling me into his lap.
When we broke away, panting for breath, I cupped his face in my hands. "I really like you, Ethan. I like you, not your position, or my position, or anything else. I'd erase everyone's memory of you ever having this job if it meant we could be together right now. That's all I want."
He was gnawing on his lip. It was one of the first nervous moves I'd seen from him. "I really like you too, Carly. More than I was ever supposed to."
I grinned and pressed my lips to his once more in a chaste kiss. "We should go back inside. After that I'm not sure I'll be able to restrain myself."
Ethan stood up and linked his hand through mine. We walked for about ten minutes with our fingers linked together and I revelled in it. I didn't even notice the cold anymore. His thumb brushed against the back of my hand and my lips twitched with every stroke.
When we approached the school, our hands dropped, and the loss was startling. I could have gotten used to thatâto having Ethan to myself, whenever I wanted. To be able to hold hands with him without people caring. As if it wasn't a problem that we were perfect for each other.
The note begged to be remembered. Maybe I'd be forced to leave the school a lot sooner than my graduation anyway. Would Ethan really want to be with me then? Would he want to be long distance if I was all the way back in Newcastle?
They weren't questions I wanted to answer.
"We have to really stay away from each other now, though," Ethan told me before we got too close to the Academy. "I'll dance with you, I'll do our lessons, but nothing more. I can't risk that, for either of us. It's already gone too far."
That was reasonable, no matter how much I didn't want to accept it. "Okay," I agreed, reaching for his hand and giving it one more squeeze before it was too late. "As long as you don't regret it, and you're still as excited for my graduation so we can repeat it lots of times, then I'm happy to accept that."
Ethan grinned, looking up at the darkening sky and letting out a sigh. "I don't regret it. I just had a bit of a crisis moment, that's all. Thanks for showing me some sense."
"Any time."
We were forced to return to talk of dancing as we got into the proximity of the Academy. "You're liking the Cinderella choreography, then? Is there anything you would have changed?"
I blinked. "I'm really not a choreographer. It's not one of my talents at all. I love dancing, and I could maybe point out some technical critique on someone doing a dance, but I could not choreograph my own."
"Really?"
"Yes, I'm certain."
"That's interesting."
"Just because you've got all the skills." I kept my arm by my side as people walked past, despite wanting to jab him in the ribs. "Do you work on choreography in your spare time? Do you have entire ballets planned out and stuff?"
"I do," he admitted, scratching the back of his head. "I spend a lot of time doing it, actually. I have loads of scraps of routines everywhere. Only two complete ballets, though."
"Two! That's incredible. And the one you did for the Gala was really great, even if I was bitter at the time. Haven't you ever thought about going into choreography? About approaching companies on that basis rather than as a dancer? If you can write the moves and then show them exactly as you planned it, it makes you an even bigger asset, right?"
"I've thought about it a lot of times, but I get to choreograph here, too. Eventually I'll be doing the end of year shows and everything. It might be safer to just stay here."
"You're a good teacher, too." It was true. I'd always thought Maggie was as good as it got. She was kind and attentive. It had felt like I was always improving. Ethan, though, was on another level. He had a gift for it. He was articulate. He knew exactly how to put into words what needed to be said. He wasn't afraid to reach out and physically change my posture so I could feel the difference. "Maybe here really is the best place," I said.
"I know that's hard for you to imagine, considering you hate it so much."
I grinned. "I don't hate it. To hate all of it, I'd have to hate you, too."
"You hate the vast majority, then."
"That's a fair statement."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that this is the best place for me, anyway. I've still not gotten over my Royal Ballet dreams."
I gave him a sad smile. He was good enough for the Royal Ballet, but if he'd been there, I'd have never met him. I was too selfish for him, really. If only he knew what was going on inside my mind. "This is a good job. I bet there's loads of people in here who won't ever get a profession that even involves ballet."
"Maybe not, but I'm bitter." We definitely had that in common.
"I get that." We reached the studio, and it was time for us to part ways. "I hope you're happier in your job soon."
"I'm not unhappy now. It still just feels a bit empty, you know?"
"Yeah." I frowned. "Well, I'm glad you're here, even if you're not."
He chuckled and stuck his head inside the studio to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. "I can't say I regret being here, either."
We stood and looked at each other for a moment. "Well, I guess I'll see you at tomorrow's lesson."
"I'll see you then."
When we parted ways, I had a smile on my face, but it started to sag again almost as soon as Ethan was gone. He'd been a good distraction, but the note was still burning fear into my mind. The demand was going to come, and probably sooner rather than later.
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Finally a long Ethan-filled chapter! Let me know what you think everyone <3