Every time I dreamed, I was suffocated by the things I'd done in my past.
For the entirety of the dreamscape, I'd be confronted by the crushing weight upon my chest that was guilt.
It was like a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something horrible had happened, something that would hurt the ones I loved and change my life forever.
It was only when the revelation came that it was all my faultâthat the weight of that guilt finally crushed me under its horrid hands, I became twisted and molded until I was nothing but an empty vessel for the demons that I'd allowed to invade me while I was sleeping.
I was just screaming at Peter to wake up when I was sucked out of the dream by a touch on my face.
Inala's finger poking my cheek was the thing that awoke me from my exhausted slumber against Oren's lap.
Oren's lap.
My head was on his thigh, and his fingers had been buried in my hair, but they stilled immediately as he noticed my eyes fly open.
The air was stark and fleetingly whipping past my cheeks, a salty brine carried on the voice of the wind.
This was not the secluded dark and hidden alcoves of the caves of the Ness Mountains we'd been sequestered in.
No, this was open and blinding sunlight and fresh air that peppered fresh chills along my skin, and my breath hitched in my throat as I took in the scenery that awaited me.
The rocking motion of the small vessel Oren had somehow acquired pitched us forward and backward, the ocean and horizon line dipping up and down in my peripheral vision as bright azure waters expanded out all around me, reminding me of the crystalline beauty that accompanied Port City, my hometown.
Tears stung in the back of my throat as I recalled the one place where I was ever happy.
"Took you long enough to wake up," Inala muttered, rocking back on her heels and sitting back down on the bench seat built into the side of the boat's frame.
"Where are we?"
My voice came out in a bedraggled, rasping whisper, and I cringed as the scratch traveled up my throat and set it on fire.
What had I done?
"We are on the Valencia side of the Strait of Barron, only a few hours away from the sea cliffs of Hefeta's community."
"How...how did we make it so far? We were just in the Ness Mountains."
I knew I should have stopped talking, but I had to know how we'd traveled such a far distance in such a short amount of time.
Oren paused before answering, body stiffening as I attempted to lift my head, still sore and pulsing with pain, but answered nonetheless.
I was thankful that he hadn't attempted to use his powers of emotion over me, even though I might've needed to be calmed down a bit before his answer.
"You've been asleep for an entire day. We had a boat hidden away in the mountains and took a small stream to sail to the Gold Sea."
The...the Gold Sea.
I whipped my head left and right, view still half obstructed by Oren's body, but I finally spotted it.
The water could not mix at one point, as if a line had been drawn directly in the water itself and one could not be the other.
Some believed the waters of the Gold Sea could not mix with the waters in the Strait of Barron because one side was fresh water and the other salt, but the shimmer in the Gold Sea that gave its name credence told me otherwise.
It was as if someone had poured gilded powder directly into the sea, the dips and waves of the water catching on the sunlight as the dazzling glitter blinded almost all who looked upon it, unable to look yet impossible to look away.
The shimmer faded as it approached the line that was the Strait of Barron, and it was like I could see directly to those sea cliffs in the distance, the boundary line that must've divided the world itself in two, one side magical and imbued with mysticism and the other ordinary and depleted and completely common.
"The gift took too much out of you. You were to the point of exhaustion, and if you hadn't stopped when you had, you would be dead."
Inala's words did little to calm me but I took them in as I again peered around the small vessel that held a cabin leading down to chambers below the rotting oak deck and gazed to the front of the ship where two large mares were lying down.
Soraya and Yuni were standing close and adjusting the course of the boat through the waters with the myriad of white sails that billowed through the wind and raced us toward our destination.
Salty tinged air stung my cheeks as Oren shifted me so that I was finally seated upright next to him, leaning against his warm body for support.
For the first time, he was simply a man helping me to sit, and there were no undertones to his touches, nothing romantic or seductive or confusing about who he was and why he was doing what he was doing.
He felt normal, and I could finally breathe. I didn't pull away.
Inala eyed our interaction warily but I avoided her eyes, instead taking in the scenery and the beautiful atmosphere until my bladder decided to tell my brain that it needed to be emptied.
"Inala," I began, wincing at the sheer pain in my voice at even saying her name aloud.
"You need to relieve yourself. Come down below with me, you're in no condition to hang off the side of the boat."
My cheeks warmed at the thought of hanging off the side of the boat to do my business, but stood on shaky legs as Oren did the same, hands touching my waist to keep me steady, but it wasn't as if he were doing it to simply find an excuse to touch me.
He helped me up as if he truly did care for me, but in a more detached way, as if he cared if I lived or died, not because he had feelings for me.
He was stiff and curt and said nothing as he handed me to Inala.
Legs weighing at least two tons and my head fuzzy and full of swimming black dots behind my vision, I finally righted myself against Inala and allowed her to lead me down the rickety steps in the cabin as we swayed back and forth on the frothy waves.
"Those things back there in the caves, what were they?"
Inala cringed as she led me to a small bucket in the corner, then turned away to allow me some privacy before answering.
"Those were creatures of your nightmares. They only survive in the dark and are burned in the light. They feast on human and inhuman blood, and paralyze their victims with their screams. They were Yelbats, and I haven't seen one in a very long time, not even in my time spent in the caves."
Her deep red hair hardly shone in the dank lighting underneath the surface of the deck, and the musty scent of dirt and grime feasted upon my senses as I tried to make out her form in the absence of light.
There was a bed in the corner, but there was no lantern swinging from the ceiling like I would've imagined should've been there.
Perhaps the owner was terrified of any fire, so any light source despite the sun wasn't allowed on the ship.
"Josephine, how old are you?"
Her question struck me with confusion, but as I was finishing up I answered her.
"Nineteen years old. Why?"
"Oren is hundreds of years old. You do not know what you are doing when it comes to him."
For a moment, I had it in me to be slightly insulted by her words, but then I realized that it was her way of looking out for me, despite the fact that she was telling me I didn't know what I was doing or that I was naive in some way.
"I'm not doing anything with Oren. He stole me from the woods and brought me along with him. And yes while I decided that I would no longer try to run away from him and I am going along with his plan to take me to the Siren community, that doesn't mean that I don't know who I'm dealing with, a man who transforms into a beast every single night. If I had any say in it, I'd have nothing to do with him."
She must have heard the sincere conviction in my tone because I noticed her form loosen, as if she'd been worried for my reaction to her harsh words, and let out a long sighing breath that sounded weary to her very bones.
"Good. He does things for himself and no one else. I just need you to remember that. I'll make sure he doesn't break your heart."
Her intentions were in the right place, but...
"You have to have a whole heart in the first place for it to break."
"No, you don't. Your heart could lie on the ground in thousands of splinters and someone could come along and patch up a few pieces only to discard them and break them once more."
"You talk like that as if you know from personal experience."
She shrugged it off, linking her elbow with me as we ascended the stairs to the upper decks, thanking her as she handed me a cask of water though I hadn't seen where she'd plucked it from.
"I'm forty-nine years old. Extremely youngâfor an immortal, at least, but plenty of time for that kind of pain."
I thought of her capture and the anguish and agonies dripping from the song that she'd sang in the cave before I released her from her previous blood claim to the sailors who had stolen her in the first place.
"How long were you down there? If you don't mind me asking."
She seemed to go somewhere far away, her eyes catching a haunted glint in the wickedly bright sunshine.
"Two years."
She seemed to be done with that topic of conversation and we rejoined the rest of the group on the deck, surrounding Soraya and Yuni as Oren slowly navigated the choppy waters to come stand beside us, face shuttered and eyes closed off so that I couldn't figure out what kind of mood he was in.
Had he heard what I'd said about him with Inala below deck? Did I even care if he had? Everything I'd said had been the truth.
Even if Oren was interested in me romantically, I did not share that interest. He was good at seduction, at least sometimes, and he was a gorgeous specimen of a man.
I could acknowledge those things inside my mind and still not want to pursue anything with him.
Inala's assumption of him breaking my heart was correct, though, because if I ever did let anyone in, that was exactly what they would do to me, and I didn't know if I wanted to step out on a limb and give my heart to my literal kidnapper.
The next man I allowed inside my head and heart would be worth the pain that he'd give me in the end.
With Oren, there was no spark that told me he would be that person.
With Peter it was effortless.
It was easy and happy and he made me forget about my problems with the king.
He made me forget that I was a murderous creature who could kill a man by opening her mouth.
With Peter, I could be the girl that I used to wish I was, vulnerable and shy and sweet and happy, all the things that I was not.
With Peter, I could pretend.
The next man I loved I didn't want to have to pretend with.
He would have to love me, monster and all, because at least one person needed to love that side of me, even if I couldn't do it myself.
"I took the liberty of catching a few fish, but without any fire to cook it..." Yuni trailed off, dark skin soaking up the golden sunshine battering down on us and bathing him in a glowing sheen, almost as if his sharp cheekbones glistened and sparkled as much as the deep waters of the Gold Sea.
He was nothing compared to his sister, however.
Upon closer inspection, I realized that they couldn't have been twins, as their familial resemblance was only in the deep set of their strong jaws and the striking plains of razor-edged cheekbones and the deep brown skin, a color so vivid it reminded me of the shade of my sister's hair.
"We could just have Miss Josephine here filet them with her fire breathing. I'd love to see that up close this time," Yuni offered up, and I stiffened as I noticed that everyone's eyes were directly on me, even Soraya's, as if she weren't really blind at all.
No, it was more as if she had a spatial awareness of her body and everything surrounding it, and though her eyes were unseeing, her spirit and mind were not.
I brushed off Inala's arm from mine, just in case that was true.
I didn't want to face her wrath that would surely come from touching someone she was clearly possessive of.
After making a mental note to ask Inala about that relationship later, I addressed everyone's inquisitive stares.
"What?"
"How long have you been able to do that with your voice? Normal Sirens are not able to do what you have done."
My eyes narrowed at Soraya and her aggressive tone.
She was questioning me and who I claimed I was, but I had never once claimed to be a Siren.
"Maybe that's because I am not a 'normal' Siren. I never believed I was one to begin with."
Inala shifted from one foot to the other beside me while Yuni and Soraya remained still as statues. Oren still hadn't spoken.
I suddenly felt very, very alone.
Bone weary, tired, aching, and so alone. So tired.
"Why do you believe that? Besides the obvious smoke fire that crawled from your mouth yesterday, of course," Yuni asked, turning his full attention to me as he seemed to inspect every inch of meââfrom the tattered and wrecked shoes up to the stained and dirty skirts that had large holes ripped in them, exposing some of the ankle of my boots that I'd worn.
He continued his perusal of my body until a light shiver creeped up my spine and settled in between my shoulders, spreading out like a network of spider webbing veins until coming to a stop behind the irises of my eyes.
"I don't grow fins or a tail when I jump into water, for one," I explained, though that was the entirety of my argument against being an actual Siren and not something completely different.
What that difference was, I had no idea, but I had a feeling that it wasn't something that I should've shared with this group in front of me.
Oren didn't look shocked, at least, considering he'd known this since I'd told him not long ago, but watching Soraya, Yuni and Inala turn deathly still at my revelation was disconcerting to say the least.
"She could simply be a late bloomer," Yuni noted in a soft tone, seemingly lost in thought even as the hot sun bared its teeth upon us while the wind shot cool bursts of air in an attempt to thwart the heat of its bright counterpart.
"You call having powers no other Siren has ever documented a 'late bloomer'? More like she is something completely new and unexpected. What that means for everything else, I still don't know. But I suppose we'll see how it all turns out once we reach the cliffs."
Soraya's voice was scrutinizing, calculated and cold, as if she couldn't have cared either way what the outcome was, like I was only a thing and not a person, but I grew concerned at her talk of the cliffs.
"I thought we were going to Hefeta, the Siren community?"
I sincerely hoped no one noticed the slight edge of panic that had crept into my tone.
"We are. In order to reach Hefeta, we must undergo a...trial of sorts."
My throat bobbed as Soraya's features developed a sort of malicious amusement, as if she were excited to 'see' me undertake a test that could possibly leave me hurt, or worse.
"What kind of trial are you talking about?"
"You'll see when the cliffs are visible on the horizon."
Just as Oren's words broke through the air, however, a set of horns called out, trilling and loud but so far away, and I knew before looking that the shoreline was visible.
Inala grabbed my wrist in her hands and as I whipped my head to her, the normal, human teeth that she'd been sporting lengthening and sharpening to dagger sharp points, her crystalline blue eyes developing a luminescence that hadn't been there before.
Harsh wind beat at our backs, shoving us closer and closer to those horns that still had not ceased their incessant ringing.
Cold blasts of sharp currents rocked the small boat as the horses at the front began whinnying in panic and attempted to get to their feet but they couldn't get their balance.
A particularly hard knocking breeze sent me stumbling backwards, but Inala's hand stayed firm and strong around my wrist, keeping me upright, even as Oren came to stand behind me, solid and unmoving, as if he wanted to be the rock that held me steady.
"I'm assuming this is the trial you spoke of?"
Soraya's face turned wicked with a startling smile that broadcast a row of finely sharpened teeth just like Inala's, and for a moment, I faltered.
That was long enough of a moment to knock me to the side, half pitched over the railing of the small boat that was somehow still holding up against the choppy destructive waves churning below.
If only we could steer to the left into the divide between the Strait of Barron's waters and over into the calm Gold Sea, whose surface was as undisturbed as a small pond on a windless day.
"Time to jump," Inala spoke into my ear.
"What? What about the horses? And what aboutâ"
"Soraya will have Yuni to guide her, and the horses will be led to the shore with help from the Sirens in the community. We, however, will be tested the moment we enter the waters."
"Why can't we just wait on the boat like the horses?" I asked Inala over the roaring of the near deafening winds whipping at the sides of the boat and rocking it so violently yet with such ease, like it was nothing but a toy in bathwater.
"Because the winds won't stop until we jump," Oren explained as he dipped his head down to my ear so that I could hear him clearly, though his words didn't instill any confidence in the fact that they were asking me to jump into a deadly churning sea filled with any number of monsters.
"This is my least favorite part of visiting," Yuni yelled to his sister as they prepared themselves for the water, almost like he was exasperated and not at all terrified of what awaited them below.
"Will you just trust me?"
"Why in all of the Everworld's layers below would I ever trust you?"
Oren chuckled behind me, my back still plastered to his front, and then his mouth crested over the shell of my ear and I tried to pretend that the small touch didn't make me shiver.
"Good point," he said, his bronze dagger suddenly in his palm and slicing into the thick wool of my skirts, cutting the fabric off at my knees.
"But we don't have time for trust."
And then Inala tugged me with the hand that was still wrapped around my wrist and brought me with her into the frigid waters below.
The World of Irena: