Chapter 20: Chapter 19

I wasn’t coping well with this. Lately, I’ve been having nightmares and my day dreams have been nothing but fear I should have. A couple weeks ago, I learned that Kellin was one of my parents murderers. I would have never known that unless told. I didn’t expect him to be, I didn’t want him to be either. Who knew something like that could fuck my life up. I’m always thinking about it, freaking out, snapping, and going off. I can’t control anything anymore, it just gets worse and worse. And here I thought Kellin loved me.

“Dude, there’s paper everywhere.” Toby yelled at me. There was paper on the floor and the table and just every surface. I hadn’t moved from the couch in three days. If my life is going to suck, then I might as well suck at doing something. All I’ve done is work mostly. The only time I leave is for classes and my job, that’s it. I hate everything to actually do something.

“I’ll clean it later.” I murmured. Toby sat down next to me, looking at me with concerned. I know I’m hurting him by being depressed like this.

“What happened man, all of a sudden you turned out like this.” he said. I know what he’s thinking, he’s going straight for my parents. He knows they were killed, I just didn’t tell him by what. I don’t need to be thought of as crazy.

“Just busy.” I said silently.

“Being busy cannot cause depression, Pierce. I’m not that stupid.” he said. Its not like I’m lying though. “You need to get out.” he said. I looked over at him slowly. He wants me to get out?

“And do what?” I asked bitterly.

“Just chill man, get some fresh air. It isn’t that cold anymore so it should be okay. Its like you drone around and do nothing. I can’t just let a friend be miserable.” he said, and he obviously meant it. If I could go to anyone, it would be Toby. But now he’s my first choice because before, I would have had Kellin. He would have been someone I could go to. I can’t anymore.

“I’ll get out tomorrow.” I said.

“At least its something.” he sighed. I don’t plan on actually leaving though, he can’t make me. He got up and headed for the door. “I’m going to get food, want anything?” he asked.

“Not hungry.” I said.

“Alright, Chinese it is.” he said and left. I sighed. I don’t want to eat, I’m not hungry. I know I don’t eat much anymore but how could I when my appetite is completely gone. I can’t stomach anything anymore.

But I asked for something like this. I told Kellin not to come near me anymore when he tried to explain everything. I didn’t want to hear it let alone see him. How can he stand in front of me knowing what he did to me? This is going to take some time getting used to but I’ll get through it. There’s no way I’m going to let this destroy me.

I closed my book and got up, feeling the pain in my back. I was tired and I might go take a nap or something. I started to put papers away and organize my stuff because I am coming back to do more work. That’s when I saw him here. Its been weeks and now he decides to come back here? And I thought he was doing okay with the separation?

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

“Pierce, we need to-”

“Hell no, get out.” my anger flared. How can he think I want to see him after all that? I never want to see him, not after all this shit.

“Just li-”

“No I said leave, Kellin. Do you honestly think I’ll let you talk to me after all this? Get out!” I shouted. He didn’t move and that’s what pissed me off. He can do whatever he wants because he knows I can’t hurt him much.

“I’m sorry.” he apologized desperately. I was shocked. DOES HE THINK SORRY CAN FIX THIS? I have no strength to actually kill him. How dare he say something like that to me like it can be apologized for.

“Fourteen years Kellin, fourteen fucking years and you couldn’t tell me about that? Why would you lie to me?” I yelled.

“You would’ve hated me.” he admitted.

“Damn right. Yet you still didn’t tell me the truth.” I said. He knew all this time. I told him everything and he sat there and took it like he wasn’t a part of it. Kellin knew what I went through and still didn’t admit he was at fault for it. How could he be so cruel? And I honestly thought he was different but I was fucking wrong, they’re all the same.

“I would’ve told you. I just didn’t want you to find out this way,” he said.

“What difference would it have made?” I yelled. “You still did it and now I have no one because of you.” I was starting to cry. My heart was killing me, the pain was unbearable. How could I let this happen? Why? Why do I feel so much pain, like I’m being torn apart? The tears ran down my face as I tried to hold in my anger. I always end up crying when I think about this but its not like I could get away from it.

“Why does it have to be you?” I whispered, my lips trembling. “Out of anyone in the world, why did I have to end up loving you?” I shouted. He stared at me in shock like he couldn’t believe it. I knew this feeling all along, I knew it. I love Kellin, this is why its sending me spiraling. I can’t get over anything because I love him.

“Pierce, I-”

“No!” I threw my book at him like it would do anything but he just caught of course. I was pissed off and confused. “I don’t want to feel like this for you. I should hate you with everything I have but I don’t and that’s what pisses me off.” I cried. Why does it have to be him? What the hell did I do to deserve this?

“I said I was sorry.”

“I don’t give a shit.” I yelled at him. “How could you keep this from me, Kellin? They were my only family. Didn’t you try to stop?” I asked. He looked away, his hair moving to cover his eyes. That’s how it is. He let it happen. I could tell by the way he didn’t answer me. “I highly doubt you were going to tell me anything, I really do.” I admitted.

“That’s a lie, if anything, you know I would’ve told you.” he said.

“How long?” I asked. “How long were you planning to take?” he didn’t answer my question. I didn’t expect him to. He would wait even longer, letting me believe that those vampires that killed my parents were long gone. But instead, they’ve been around. He wouldn’t look at me now. Its funny because he decided to come here. What the hell did he expect from me? Forgiveness? There’s no way I could give him that. Wow, I can’t believe this is happening. I wiped my tears away with my sleeves. I wish I could throw more things but I’m not going to. I might as well not.

“You know what Kellin, you got what you wanted. I can’t get over this because yes I do love you.” I admitted. He still wouldn’t look at me and that pissed me off. I wanted to say he was being selfish or something but it didn’t come out. I couldn’t say something like that. I give up. “Just get out,” I said.

“Pierce-”

“No, get out.” I said forcefully. He didn’t though, he was coming near me. I was going to yell at him and curse him out but I couldn’t stop him. Why would I want him near me after all this? I couldn’t bring myself to do anything.

“Pierce, I’m sorry. Please, believe me.” he begged silently.

“Don’t touch me.” I said but he did anyway. His hands moved to my face; they were warm. I didn’t cringe away, I stayed where I was, tears rolling down my face. I hated crying, especially for a stupid reason like this.

“Don’t push me away,” he said as he pressed his forehead to mine. I didn’t, I couldn’t. The pain in my chest grew. How is he going to be so close to me like this? I remembered him touching me and telling me he loved me. I remember everything and somehow I wanted it to go back to normal. Its not the same this way.

“You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. You know that.” he said. I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded. The tears came faster, more than I could handle. It hurts to feel this way. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” he said. How could I not now? But I was confused with anger. He gets what he wants so easily, like he doesn’t have to try to get there. I didn’t respond as I cried silently. This isn’t what I wanted.

I ended up falling in love with a vampire.

I just cried as he wrapped his arms around and pulled me into a hug. I pressed my head on his shoulder. This is awful, I can’t control anything. Now I’m here crying because I lost against Kellin. I couldn’t tell him to leave me alone because that’s not what I wanted. We both know that. Now I don’t even know what to do. I’m so confused.

I fell asleep and woke up to the smell of food. I was lying on the couch by myself; I guess Kellin left. Not even surprised about that. My face was puffy and sore from crying and having a bitch fit, my reaction probably wasn’t needed for that. I sat up as I pushed my hair back. Toby just got back so I know I wasn’t out for too long.

“All you do is sleep man,” he complained.

“I thought it was work?” I yawned.

“You do a lot of unnecessary things.” he said. I know that but I can’t help it much, its kind of useless for him to point something out like that. I sighed and turned over; I couldn’t get up or he would see my face and know I was crying. Like hell would I explain something like that to him.

“So listen, I got a couple girls-”

“Hell no, you can stop right there.” I cut him off.

“Dude, my game has been upped and now I’m about to help you out. We’re going clubbing tomorrow cause all you’ve been is depressed.” he said.

“Do you not remember last time?” I asked him. Cause I do. I remember it so perfectly. The blond girl that Toby was with had bitten him before Kellin was able to kill her. Apparently, Toby got so much sucked out of him that he passed out; he doesn’t remember a single thing that happened that night.

“I know I wasn’t drinking but that was just weird.” he blew it off. “Tomorrow night will be fun though. Kaitlyn and Veronica are coming with us.” he said, excited.

“They’re Jesse’s friends.” I said.

“Yeah, who cares.” he didn’t. I sighed. This is going to get me in so much trouble. I kind of want to stay away from that but I should at least go outside once before I just die from lack of movement.

Layne pinned me against the wall as he looked around. I don’t know what he was doing but I’m in enough trouble as it is, I don’t need more.

“Are you an idiot, Kellin. What are you doing, sneaking over to the boy?” he hissed.

“I wanted to see him.” I shrugged.

“Do you want to die?” he asked.

“I won’t okay, just get off me.” I said. If we don’t catch up, I know we’ll be in all kinds of trouble. Dante is changing territories and that’s something I dislike. But even worse, its the perfect time for Jeremy to do his thing. Dante will be so preoccupied that he won’t notice Jeremy trying to kill him. Its a lose lose situation. But I really don’t plan on losing.

“Why can’t you let this go? You’re lucky Dante didn’t kill you,” he scolded as he let go of my arms.

“Ya. And if Jeremy didn’t say anything, he probably would have.” I sneered.

“Its still a good thing.” Layne said. I rolled my eyes. I’m sure it is. Why Jeremy didn’t want me dead is a mystery but I’m not going to solve it anymore; I won’t butt in, I won’t get mad or anything, he can do what he wants and I won’t stop it. It just pisses me off how he went ahead and did this because no one else would have the nerves to do that to me. Jeremy is on my hit list.

“How much do you love that boy?” Layne asked me.

“So much that it hurts.” I answered without a second thought. There’s no way I would recommend this to another vampire. Being in love with a human is worse than death because of the troubles it causes. I would do anything for Pierce, absolutely anything. I just got a death wish and I’m still disobeying Dante, just because I want to be with Pierce. Now I see why this is forbidden, I’m being torn apart.

“You know, they tell us not to have feelings for a reason,” he told me. I looked away, sort of ashamed that I was being reminded this.

“I know that,” I admitted. I didn’t have feelings for a good portion of my life. Then that night happened and I just wanted to take him with me and care for him and everything. I didn’t know what I was feeling then but it was the strongest thing I’ve felt and I still feel it. Every time I’m around Pierce, I always see him as when he was five first. I’ve watched him grow and he doesn’t even know that much.

Layne walked ahead of me, putting his hands in his pocket. I didn’t know what else to say to him. Should I feel bad about all this? I do because I messed up. If I could’ve kept up better with this it wouldn’t be happening. I can’t say I’m hurting anyone because no one else is involved. If I could fix some things, I would. I don’t like how Pierce found out about it, I wanted to be the one to tell him. I sighed and followed him. For now, I just have to worry about not letting Dante have my head.