Chapter 17: Chapter 17

I moped around. Lately, my tolerance for anything that has to do with vampires is really thin. I can’t take all the killing, like seeing it happen. I’ve seen a lot more than what was intended to be shown to me. Its like throwing everything I’ve been through at my face. Losing my parents is the only thing I can remember now a days. Its not like I wanted to forget but I thought I was handling it okay. I guess all this is making it worse.

Kellin doesn’t touch me anymore, he doesn’t try to annoy me, he doesn’t do anything. All he does is come to check on me like I’m some patient. I feel awful when he leaves me alone, anything could happen while he’s gone. What is he doing? Why is he always leaving?

I wonder if I made him give up on me somehow. Everything was fine before and then that night happened when I saw them kill in front of me. It made me physically sick but emotionally paralyzed. That’s when everything started to go bad I guess. I became resistant but....Kellin doesn’t care about something like that, he never would. I know I did something wrong if he won’t even lay a hand on me. Then again, why am I caring about that? Isn’t this what I wanted all along? For him to leave me alone? It doesn’t feel right though? I want him here.

I guess I’m clinging. But I like Kellin, I know its sick to admit but I do like him. There’s more to him than just being annoying and over bearing and blinded by unrequited love. He is nice, he is protective, he is caring. He loves me. Someone who can’t do much, someone who can’t give much, someone who can’t be much. But Kellin didn’t care about that. I wonder if that changed now. I know I did something wrong, I guess it really was my rejection towards him. I’ve never been so harsh to him before and now I’m paying the price. I didn’t want him to leave me, I wanted some time before any thing happens again.

I sat alone on the couch. Toby’s gone, he went somewhere. I don’t know. My laptop was open on the coffee table, showing a paper I only wrote a paragraph on. And its due at midnight. I was going to fail and lose my scholarship. The thought made me even more depressed. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. I’m shaken up, I can’t remember anything I wanted to do or why I was doing it, or how I was able to keep it up for so long. Why did I try so hard? I’m just nothing.

My eyes opened. Oh, a dream. But that shit scared the hell out of me completely, I’ve never been so scared or restless. I rubbed my eyes and tried to get rid of that stinging feeling I knew so well but then I ended up actually crying. This is what I wanted to avoid feeling in the beginning. Now Kellin chooses to do this now when I can’t take it. He knows what he did to me but I guess I should say he doesn’t care? I wiped the tears from my face quickly, like someone would see me like this even though I’m alone. It just hurt.

Then arms wrapped around me, they were so warm and nice to be surrounded by. But it sent me into shock, making me cry even harder when all I wanted was it to stop.

“I won’t leave you,” Kellin said. I must have been talking in my sleep again. I have to control that.

“You’re barely here anymore,” I murmured.

“I thought you wouldn’t want me around.” he said. I closed my eyes and sighed. Why would he say something like that now? Why would he care now? Why? “You’ve been getting sick every time something happens, I just don’t want you to be disgusted by me.” he said. I shouldn’t be surprised he even said that, its like me to act that way anyway.

“I get it,” I said silently. I did say I was doing something wrong, but that’s all I do.

“What’s wrong Pierce?” he asked me.

“Nothing,” I muttered. “I’ll be fine,” but I know I won’t be.

The last thing I honestly want to do is make it worse on Kellin. I’m not going to act needy or anything, as long as he stays around I’m fine. I just hope he stays with me, I don’t feel well when he’s not here. Its just my paranoia acting up I guess.

I never thought it would have gotten this bad. Pierce has nightmares every night about who knows what. He’s constantly day dreaming but when it comes down to it, he doesn’t like sleeping because of those nightmares. He tries to use the excuse that he has work to do to stay up all night but all that does is ruin his health. I know he’s having a hard time because of everything that was dumped on us and I really didn’t mean to have him involved in any of this. It just happened. The only reason I chose to stay away was to give him some space; I know he doesn’t like the vampire existence so why would I push my luck on it? I didn’t think it would have a negative effect though. He usually hates it when I’m around and now he’s okay with it? It makes him paranoid when I’m gone. I wouldn’t leave him and go, but there are things I have to take care of at least. I wouldn’t leave him completely alone.

He didn’t move away from me, but its not like he would. I know his feelings changed dramatically and it seems like he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I wanted to hold his hand, or wrap my arms around him, or something. Anything. It doesn’t seem like he’s in any kind of mood right now.

“How old are you?” he asked me. He wasn’t asking how long I lived. He wants my real age.

“Seventeen,” I answered.

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Green.”

“Your middle name?” he asked.

“I don’t remember.” I said, confused. “Why are you asking all this?”

“There’s things I don’t know.” he murmured. There’s things I wouldn’t tell him. “How many years have you been around with me?” he asked. I looked around for a moment. I can’t give an exact number to him, that will just give him more questions.

“A lot,” I said vaguely.

“I want a number.” he demanded.

“I don’t remember.” I lied. He didn’t say anything about it. I know he’s thinking though, how far into it is he going to go? He doesn’t have enough to actually pin point anything.

“Why do you love me?” he asked. I opened my mouth; a whole list of things would have came out if I didn’t realize that it would just make it worse.

“Is it wrong that I do?” I asked as I pulled him closer to me. He didn’t move away from me. He pressed his forehead to my neck.

“That’s not an answer to my question.” he said.

“It doesn’t need an answer.” I said. He didn’t argue with that because I would just make him mad so he stayed silent. “You aren’t going to ask anything else?”

“You’re going to give me BS answers.” he said. How smart. I smiled though, he always amuses me.

“I love you.” I said.

“Ya,” he answered.

“I should have known you would reply with that.” I sighed. There’s probably nothing that would make him say it back. Now would not be the right time either.

He turned around under my arm and faced me. I knew how tired he was, he practically looked dead. There were dark circles under his eyes that added to his looks. He scanned my face, checking for something, maybe uncertainty but he won’t find that. His finger traced my face, rubbing under my eyes.

“You’re hungry.” he said. I didn’t feel anything till he brought it up. Its hard when I’m in the presence of a human but its not like I’m dying right now. I can hold my urges.

“Don’t ask for anything.” I said. Lately he’s been trying to. Why would I repulse him even more? Its pointless. He blinked slowly, giving me a plain look. Then he wrapped his arms around my neck as he hoisted himself up on me. He does this at the wrong times! Now wasn’t the time for this, he’s just going to make it worse. I closed my eyes and tried to keep calm; I held my breath so I wouldn’t have to smell his scent. He’s going to really make this worse.

He kissed me. Its actually shocking because he would never make the first move. In fact, he was trembling from doing this. I wasn’t going to make it worse by forcing myself on him, that’s the last thing he needs. I stayed still as his arms tightened around my neck. He wants a response but it will just turn out bad, its like taking advantage of him. I would have before, there’s no shame in admitting that much but right now I’m not doing that. Its not justified when he’s depressed.

I pushed him away; his arms released me and dropped to his side. There really isn’t something right with him. I looked at him and saw all the dullness there. He needs sleep or something like that.

“I want to be able to actually love you,” he said to me. All my air was knocked out of me. Its like being punched in the face ten times in one second. “But I can’t.” he added. Now it hurt for real. Why would he say something like that in the first place? I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sad before. Is this possible? He looked away from me then got up. I didn’t force anything, I didn’t even say anything. I just let him go to his room by himself. It sucks knowing that this is what its like. I can’t do anything to make it happen.

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. Its going to be hard when he’s sad like this. I won’t give up but right now isn’t the time to try and win him over, it’ll piss him off. For now, I might as well go take care what I’m supposed to instead of slacking off. I could smell Layne’s scent outside so I should go. I got up and left silently and headed outside. It was getting dark out, the sun was setting; the brightness always upsets me somehow, the sun is threatening. I walked over to Layne who was waiting patiently by a street light for me.

“Are we going to kill Lucas or what?” he asked me as he fixed his scarf around his neck.

“I’m done trying,” I sighed. Its like playing a game of tag and I can’t catch him. If someone’s going to be it, can they at least be a bit slower so I can kill them?

“Dante says-”

“I don’t care what Dante says. He might as well kill me.” I walked on ahead. Layne followed behind me silently.

“There’s something wrong between you and the human.” he said, concluding that much about our ‘relationship’. But there is something wrong, its just pissing me off actually because I can’t fucking do anything.

“There is actually. Who knew someone could be so repulsed by a whole existence.” I said.

“You have to tell him sometime, Kellin.” he said. I stopped walking. I hope he isn’t thinking what I think he’s thinking. I turned to face him; he wasn’t looking at me just like expected. He was avoiding eye contact on purpose so he could stand his ground.

“Tell him what?” I asked threateningly.

“About that night.” he murmured.

“You’re crazy and I’m not stupid. Why the hell would I tell him something like that when he could hate me even more for it?” I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. If that sort of burden wasn’t on my back then I wouldn’t really care about Pierce’s hatred towards what I am. But I was involved just like some of the others were.

“If someone else tells him-”

“Who else knows?” I asked.

“I mean what if Jeremy just goes ahead and says something?′ he asked, looking around nervously.

“He will die first before that gets out.” I said and was finished with this conversation. For all this time, Jeremy has been trying to get use to move far away from this territory by giving us distractions to go and kill. I don’t see what his point is with that. I’m sure if he wanted to kill Dante, he could just go ahead. But I guess that means others would be fighting for power so he wants.....to get rid of that factor as well. I don’t see why he’s being harsher with me though, its not like I want to be in control. That’s too much responsibility to deal with plus there’s way too many people in this clan anyway. I’m sure Jeremy would kill off some of us, keep the strongest and do whatever he wants. That’s how it usually is.

“Where are you going?” Layne asked me. Is he not coming with? I didn’t expect him to anyway, its fine if he doesn’t.

“I smell Lucas around, I’ll be right back.” I waved him off from behind. Lucas is near by and I could smell blood too. Why does he want to stay here if he knows he’s going to get killed, all we’re going to do is kill him anyway. I don’t see what the point of this is. His whole group is gone, yet he stays like he doesn’t pose as a threat. If I can’t get rid of him tonight, then I’ll just give up on him then. He won’t be my problem anymore.

There was a trail of blood and that literally disgusted me. Vampires like him are a disgrace to us. They aren’t clean, they don’t show mercy, hell they just let the human society know this is going on. This is why they’re targeted first. I walked around all the blood and parts. My fangs were throbbing in my mouth, I was hungry but I wouldn’t stoop so low as to do this. But the pain in my throat was so unbearable. Let me just finish this so I can get going. He was above me somewhere; is he planning on ambushing me?

I noticed that he jump and was just about to put his hands on me when I kicked him away. He hit the wall, shattering and putting a crater in it. I put my hands in my pocket as I walked over to him. He laid there, not moving. There were cracks around in his skin where I could see. I’m about to shatter him completely and turn him into dust.

“I’m not surprised you would kill and not eat.” I said as I stood in front of him. He was weak, his scent diminishing slowly. He looked up at me, glaring with black eyes.

“I didn’t think you would be much of a fight,” he snarled. I kicked him deeper into the wall, not feeling like I was abusing the privilege of being stronger than he is. Its what he gets for being a dumb shit.

“I don’t understand why you would let Jeremy control you. What else would you want, you already have eternal life. What is the point of being used?” I shook my head.

“Its a sense of enjoyment.” he laughed.

“You must be joking. I don’t know at least one vampire that enjoys killing.” I said. Its a thing we have to do. I mean, some of us use this to kill our enemies but to kill people just for the fun of it and not even drink their blood, is absurd and I am referring to Lucas.

“I do,” he answered.

“You’re an idiot.” I said. He laughed quietly but didn’t move from his hole. He’s not fighting back but I don’t think he even can with how weak he is. I wonder why he’s actually letting me do this to him. Is he not going to plead for his life, to beg for me to let him go? Anything?

“So you’re going to kill me.” he said like he already knew I was. Hell yeah I am, why wouldn’t I? I took my hands from my pockets and squatted down so I could face him. He didn’t even glance at me once.

“You could have avoided this if you left the first night,” I said and that’s a fact. “Now you pissed Dante off and I had to deal with it.”

“And I know about your stunt blah blah blah.” he added on to it. I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t even going to add that but I guess that could be thrown in there. I wasn’t mad that he said anything, it just gave me a more justified reason to not feel bad about killing him. I do what I have to to stay alive.

“What did Jeremy promise you?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he answered too quickly. My eyes narrowed, I didn’t believe that. We don’t do something unless we get something in return. Its obvious that he’s lying right about now. Making him tell me isn’t something on my list, I don’t care if he gets something or not. He won’t be able to since he’ll be dead. “How about you kill me already so I can get this over with,” he said.

“How eager,” I smiled as my hand gripped his neck. He glared at me, not even liking that I made a comment like that. That’s the last thing he could do anyway, he can’t fight me. I tightened my hold on him, cracks deepening in his skin till I was able to completely crush his neck and separate his head from his body. Dust finally formed in my hands and on the ground. He’s dead.

I stood up as I wiped my hand on my pants. That’s pretty unsettling actually. But I’m done with all this. I’d like to see how Jeremy operates now without all his little distractions. Dante will probably crack down on rules and make sure any trespassers or even trackers be killed. He doesn’t like how the vampire population is being concentrated here now. I sighed. At least one problem is gone.

I walked away form the scene like nothing happened. All they’re going to find is a pile of dust. That’s it. I wanted to go back to Pierce, leaving him for too long will just upset him and I know how that is going. All this recurrence of stuff should stop happening now so I guess he’ll get better. No one will touch him.

At the end of the street, Layne stood there, scared out of his wits. It was terrifying to see him shaken up. Why did he look like that anyway?

“They have Pierce,” he said.