Chapter 54 | Six Feet Of Earth

Elena's P.O.V.

A wounded soul never heals.

There is just so much a person can take. We all have our limits - there is a limit to everything. When we reach them, we break. You can't stay bent forever. One way or another, you crack.

And in the end, you're damaged beyond. You're destroyed. Shattered. Just broken.

"You can't see the future with tears in your eyes," my grandmother told me over the phone the other day, trying to comfort me.

I know her words were meant to help, however, whether I had dried eyes or not, I saw no future. It didn't exist. All my ambitions were gone; swallowed by the dark reality.

There was nothing left to fight for. Everything had lost its value and meaning.

And perhaps that's why I didn't even hesitate when I gave Carl the Norwegian waffle recipe, letting him obtain the secrecy and keep it until the end.

He looked confused when he received it, but most of all, sorrowful. "Why are you giving me this?"

My heart ached, and I wish I hadn't looked into his melancholy eyes. There and then, his blue orbs showed nothing and held nothing but raw pain. And it hurt to say the words that I knew would shatter him. "I think you know."

Carl closed his eyes and shut them tightly, letting my words sink in and be absorbed into the reality. He was silent, yet, his body trembled.

At last, he broke down. He fell to the ground as he could not comprehend the situation. So vulnerable and hurt, it was like watching someone drowning.

I wanted to help, but I was powerless. The only thing I could do for him was to hug his sobbing body that trembled in agony. However, my touch was helpless, just like our embrace that felt foreign and hollow.

But soon, it would all be over. Soon, I will beat the world at its own game.

Today there will be no winners nor losers.

***

The forest was the only place I was ready to face. It was time. Today is the day it will stop.

"There is a level of pain that is very difficult to describe," I spoke the memorized words of my last essay. My voice was carried by the wind that danced through the forest, birthing a peaceful scenery.

I was standing on a towering hill that held the view of a thousand trees. The sky was turning cold and dark, but the sun still fought to stay. It was a beautiful scene. A landscape empty of skies, but filled with pictures.

She stood there high in the sky, smiling and laughing like the bright star that she was. Old memories played on the twilight-canvas, causing an aching yearn to grow.

And then I was watching the movie of our story.

"Hey, could I borrow your shovel? I'm building a castle," she held a bucket filled with sand in her hand, waiting for a reply.

My younger self quietly nodded and gave the curly-haired girl the shovel, avoiding eye-contact due to shyness.

"Do you wanna help? We can build it together," her smile was wide and warm, shining like the start of our friendship.

"I admit to being haunted," I continued with tears burning my eyes.

"Come on, Elly, let's go trick or treating! It will be fun," she beamed excitedly, dressed in a pirate costume.

My attention fell on my shoes in embarrassment and sadness, "I don't have a costume."

Without another word, she took off her hat and gave me her sword. "Yes, you do. You're a pirate just like me. Come on, dad is waiting for us!"

"I have times of being completely numb," my voice trembled with pain.

"Hey, how did the mock exam go?" I sat next to the curly-haired girl, finding her in the library after the heavy test.

She sighed and rubbed her head. "Let's just say that when I become homeless, I'm gonna live with you - whether you like it or not."

Although our laughs were scolded by the librarian, the warm gleam between us survived and became a memory for life.

"And during those numb times, I fear it is gone. I fear that I have moved into a lesser state of grief," I choked out the words that bled from my heart, barely able to speak through the broken piece stuck in my throat. "So, I want the pain back."

At last, the heavy event leaked over the sky, causing dreadful and bloody scars upon nature.

I wasn't there, yet, it continued. It did not stop the story from unveiling that one event that I have avoided for so long. That one event that I refused to accept.

Her funeral.

In a casket surrounded by flowers and people, she lay there safe and sound.

To see her laying there with her eyes closed reminded me of sleep. It tricks your mind to believe that she is just laying there and sleeping. Just taking a break from the world and traveling through dreams.

You think she's just swimming in slumber. That she is just sleeping, that she is just laying there and sleeping- just sleeping.

And she has to wake up soon, right? Soon, she has to leave her dreams and wake up, right? Right? She needs to wake up. She must wake up. She has to!

But she didn't.

"I want the pain back and it comes back every time." Tears fell like angels, watering the dying grass. "Every damn time."

My knees gave out and I fell, defeated and crushed. I listened to the mute screams pouring out of my sore lungs like blood. She wasn't here to hold me. There was no one to keep me intact.

And it hit me harder than ever.

"I hate you."

Hatred and pain had been her acquaintances after our fight. It was my fault, no one else's. After all, I killed her trust.

And I knew. I knew that whether she had spoken her untouched words or not- I knew she would never have believed me. It was clear as the empty sky: her belief did not exist.

Just like my will to continue.

You can't force people to believe. Just like you can't force a purpose to come into somebody's life.

Nothing could repair the damage. The wound was too deep - too severe. We were one soul split into two bodies. And now each half is lifeless.

Just a dead weight.

The world never started spinning nor did any color return. Everything was dead and burning, causing a war wherever I walked.

And the sirens that suddenly echoed, blasting loudly and hurriedly across the neighborhood, only fed the chaos. They were searching in vain.

Mr. Walter must have finally read my last essay. He must have seen the colors that bled through the paper.

But he's too late. They're too late. It's all too late.

"Death carries an aftermath of devastation and confusion, something that will always be beyond grasp and beyond description. It hurts to be left. It really does," I whispered the heavy words that shook in agony, raw of emotions. "But in the end, you are not hurt by doing the right thing. In the end, there is no God in this world. In the end, six feet of earth is what makes us all equal."

My heart told me to go to Ethan. But my mind, on the other hand, reasoned why Norway and my grandmother would be the best choice. However, my soul was too heavy to move.

Too heavy like the gun in my hand.

I didn't know what to do or where to go.

Only that I was lost without Hazel.