Chapter 75

ays later, Caerwyn asked me why I was frowning, and I replied, “it’s... cold.”

He fetched some wood for a fire for me. We watched it together in silence until a crack formed in one of the logs which made me weep.

Caerwyn took me in his arm and tried to comfort me, but the cracks were too plain to see. “There are so many cracks in this empty fantasy…”

Caerwyn gritted his teeth. “It’s real, damn you! We’re happy here! This is the only place… This is the only place where you can be mine! Don’t you take this away from me! I have nothing left now that I am no longer a templar! I gave everything up for you!”

I turned away from him and hid my face in my hands. “Can’t you see we are missing something! Can’t you see we have forgotten something very important!”

“I can’t! The only important thing is right in front of me! I have her in my arms and I want nothing else! I have dedicated my life to serving others and their happiness in favor of my own! Why can’t I have my own desires? Why does everyone think I can’t love just because I can’t have children!” Caerwyn cried in misery.

I turned to him and began to say, “I—”

“Caerwyn!” A young voice suddenly called and interrupted our argument.

Slowly, Caerwyn and I both turned to where the voice had originated from.

Caerwyn came face-to-face with an adorable little blond-haired girl who was as unusually beautiful as he was.

“There you are!” She exclaimed.

Caerwyn was silent and stunned and stared at her in confusion and pain.

She cocked her head to the side. “Don’t you remember me?”

Caerwyn was still silent as he shook his head while tears poured relentlessly from his eyes. “You look familiar, but…”

The little girl looked down. “I suppose you wouldn’t… It has been a very long time, and I think your memories with me were very unpleasant. I wouldn’t blame you for blocking them out. But I’ve been waiting forever to see you!”

The little girl said and excitedly ran toward Caerwyn. She was hoping he would hug her and was hurt and disappointed when he kept his arm lank at his side.

“Who are you?” Caerwyn stepped away from her and fought his own will to remember her. “What’s your name?”

“I’m your sister, Hannah… I guess you really don’t remember me…” Hannah said sadly.

Caerwyn was silent—choked to the core with sadness. He reached out a trembling hand to her and she took it.

“Caerwyn… I never regretted running away with you. Not once. Did you regret it? Did you dislike me because Mother treated me so well and you so poorly? Is that why you’re pretending you don’t remember me?” Hannah asked sullenly.

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Caerwyn finally let out a choking sob and fell to his knees. “I love you so much! My memories with you were never unpleasant! It’s myself I hate, not you; I let you die—I couldn’t take care of you!”

Hannah’s form was flickering as the forms of Clarence and Mary had. She put a soothing hand on Caerwyn’s cheek. “You never failed me. Not once. I know—I know you think you’re not a proper man... You always have, but you’re wrong. You took care of and looked after your little sister when you were just a child. That’s the epitome of a strong man! You’ll look after that nice moth girl who’s with you too, right?”

Caerwyn nodded with difficulty. “But you’re here now! I no longer have to feel so alone! We’ll take you out of the realm with us and…”

Hannah shook her head. “I’m dead, Caerwyn. I just… Needed to make sure you’d be okay without me. I needed to know you had good memories about me."

With one last grin the girl said peacefully, “I’m happy you had pleasant memories with me after all!”

Her form flickered one more time and she was gone.

__

“There are so many damned cracks!” Caerwyn said later as his body shuddered with sadness and he slammed his fist into a tree. “Why did she have to be here? I must find a way to forget again!”

I stood a few feet away from him and looked down as he sobbed. “Caerwyn, do you really wish to live the rest of your life in a fantasy?”

“I have faced nothing but cold, hard reality all my life! I am tired of having faith in people only to be disappointed time and again! All they ever want is power and they’re willing to kill anyone in their way to get it!” He spun and faced me. “Except you… You’re different. You’d never hurt anyone; all you want to do is save others. That’s why we belong together.”

I was going to protest, but a sound entered my mind. An audible thud. Pain was flooding my mind, and before I could remember what the sound was attached to, I quickly said, “you’re right! We must forget again! I will not face a reality where nothing but pain and disappointment await me! I have always endeavored to be kind and it has done nothing for anyone! I want you now and only you. You’re my fantasy.”

And we forgot again.

__

Things were perfect again. The fantasy had no cracks but for the occasional hairline ones that would form when I lingered on Caerwyn’s missing arm for too long or when I gazed upon the scratches cutting across my fur for too long.

Yes, things were perfect… until another phantom encountered me as I awoke in Caerwyn’s arms one day. This time, it was a silken green moth who was sitting down and sharpening his sword on a rock.

I sat up and cringed away from him defensively. “Who are you? Leave us!”

The man looked up at me and put his sword aside for a moment. “I am Umari.”

“Umari?” I queried, and then with a sour expression I added. “I do not want you here. Leave me!"

He ignored me as he looked upon my wrist and he nodded. “You have my bracelet. Meridi must have given it to you. That girl…”

The stoic green moth looked down and was not so stoic for a moment as tears formed in his black eyes and he stopped sharpening his sword. “That girl was always such a troublemaker—even as a child she was…”

A wobbly smile came to his face. “She always loved swordplay and men’s clothes… I knew from the beginning that she was not suited to be a wife. Ah, such a precious and vibrant girl she always was, though! She never cared what anyone thought of her! I saw how passionate she was about swordplay and other manly habits and I encouraged her and trained her. I just… Never wanted her for the harsh life of a man.

“She could feel it, too… My disapproving eyes upon her. She told me so.”

The man hung his head for a long moment and let himself cry. I looked down at my bracelet sadly and hung my own head.

The man met my eyes as his form began to flicker. “You must be a friend of hers if you have her bracelet. Young Lady, you must tell her for me… Tell her that it doesn’t matter to me what she does with her life. She has my full approval because I know she has the talent to be anything. This sword here is a human sword made of metal that she always wanted, but I never gave it to her because I didn’t think she had earned it. I want you to give it to her now.”

And Umari’s form flickered one more time and he disappeared with the sword he held falling to the ground.

I knelt and held the flat side of the sword with open palms while hanging my head silently.

I looked up at the sky and cried, “Why are you tormenting me? I do not wish to go back!”

The cracks were reforming already.