Chapter 61

I knocked on the door to Paris’ quarters the next morning, and he did not answer.

“Paris? Please let me in… Please let me apologize… I have already confessed to a priest and begged forgiveness for my sin. If you wish to divorce me, that’s fine… Just let me talk to you.” I begged him.

Silence.

I begged for him to come out many more times, but he refused.

I only saw him during the day while we entertained his family. We pretended nothing had happened while his family was in Nui.

Caerwyn had left, as he had promised, in the morning with the warping moth’s help. He made his excuses to everyone. For appearances sake, Paris did not reveal what he had seen last night to his family nor to anyone else. He wouldn’t look me or Caerwyn in the eye, however.

The red-furred moth who had warped Caerwyn appeared later in the day with a guard in tow who was holding the chain around her neck.

At night, when Paris’ family was sleeping, I would again call to him from outside his quarters, “Paris, please talk to me. Tell me anything you want to. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please, just talk to me.”

But he would say nothing.

Paris was becoming more withdrawn than ever and couldn’t seem to concentrate very well during the day while we were entertaining his family.

I looked in my mirror in my quarters at night and threw my head down in front of it while weeping. “God forgive me. That poor man may never recover. What have I done?”

“My darling…”

“My darling…”

I looked up and saw mother’s face looking back at me in the mirror. I said through my tears, “mother?”

“You must forgive yourself. You lost yourself for but a moment, but now your soul is free of that bitter seed again. Nobody can be kind all the time.” Mother told me comfortingly.

“I must be kind all the time! I must be for Paris! It’s what he needs!” I cried.

“You can’t fix him, my darling. You can only support him.” Mother said, and then she was gone.

I dried my eyes and sniffled. I laid my head down in front of the mirror again. “God help me, I still want you, Caerwyn.”

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Paris’ family left after a week had passed and I stopped Paris in the hall the morning they did.

I grinned and threw my arms around him. “I have something for you!”

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He said nothing.

I held out another white blanket I had sewed for him. This time, it was not crooked and ugly because I had been practicing so much.

He took it expressionlessly with tears glistening in his eyes. He placed a hand on my cheek and kissed my forehead before leaving wordlessly.

He locked himself in his room that night and didn’t come out.

__

I knocked on his door early in the morning, begging to speak to him again, but he did not answer, and so I left.

Time passed, and later in the morning, he still had not come out of his room. I begged him once again, “Paris! Paris, open the door… Talk to me…”

My mind suddenly turned to his wrists and I panicked. “Paris! Open the door! Paris?”

I wildly pounded my fists on the door with tears in my eyes and then I fetched Paul. “Paul, please open the door!”

“My Lady, the king told me he was tired and not to disturb him… He has been having trouble sleeping of late.” Paul said to me.

“Open the damned door!” I yelled.

Paul obeyed without another word and the door revealed Paris lying in bed with cut wrists.

I screamed in horror. “Quickly, get the physician!”

Paul hurried and left. I sat next to Paris whose eyes were glazing over fast. “Paris, how could you do this? You must listen to me, I only kissed Caerwyn. Nothing else happened. And even if it did, this hard work… Everything you have done for this kingdom has been you, not me. It doesn’t matter whether you stay married to me or not, you have the love of the people in this kingdom. You don’t need me. You don’t need my love to survive.”

He barely turned his head enough to look at me, and his eyes lingered on the sapphire around my neck as he finally realized who had given it to me.

I sobbed and laid my head on his chest. “Damn you! You promised me you wouldn’t do this again!”

Lara arrived and bound Paris’ wounds as best she could, but she said calmly, “he’s lost too much blood. He’s going to die.”

I promised Meridi we wouldn’t resort to Terry if we could help it, but I had no choice. I told Lara to leave and Paul to fetch Terry while I repeatedly smoothed Paris’ hair back and kissed his forehead. “Why can’t you see in you what I do? Why can’t you see how sweet and wonderful you are?”

I thought he was dead as his eyes stared soullessly at the sapphire around my neck. I couldn’t stop crying and loathing myself as I wept on his chest.

But then Terry arrived with his golden magic in tow. He said worriedly, “God, I don’t know how to trigger these powers.”

Terry told me he had been visiting Meridi late at night and she had been attempting to try and teach him how to activate his magic the way a moth would, but it wasn’t working very well.

But he nonetheless rushed to Paris’ side and put a hand on his bound wrist. The red-headed boy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I will try to think of good and happy things, perhaps that will trigger it.”

I moved away from Paris momentarily and gave him and Terry space.

Moments passed and nothing happened.

I gasped with a sob and turned away, weeping in Paul’s arms.

But then, blissfully, golden magic poured from Terry’s hands and enveloped Paris’ wrists. The blood that stained his wrists flowed back into his body and the magic stitched up his wounds.

I grinned and laughed with relief as life came back to his eyes and I eagerly threw myself into his arms. Terry and Paul left us, and I kissed his face repeatedly.

“You promised you’d never do that to me! You promised!” I wept until my eyes hurt from it.

He said nothing except, “If you love that man, you can go be with him. I’m sure you’d be happier.”

“I’m perfectly happy right here!” I assured him. “I want you!”

He said miserably. “I live in a cage of self-hatred, Mimi. I don’t want you to become locked in it with me.”

“I have the key!” I cried. “I’ll let you out!”

I tried once again to coax the dove out of his head to no avail, but I was content just being in his arms for the moment.

He forgave me for that incident, and we never spoke of it again.

As a year passed, things were beautiful between me and Paris and between the humans and moths in Nui. So much so that I was ready to ask Paris to free the slaves.

All was well.