As I woke up this morning, a wave of melancholy washed over me, pressing down on my chest like an anchor. I struggled to open my eyes, a dull ache pulsing in my temples, and it hit me: I had cried myself to sleep again last night. The tears had come on suddenly, uninvited, as they often did, and I could barely remember what had triggered them.
Lately, crying had become an almost routine part of my day. I'd wake up with tears on my cheeks, feeling like I'd lost an entire night to the relentless grasp of insomnia. Those who could slip into restful sleep didn't understand the exhaustion that came with staring at a ceiling for hours, waiting for fatigue to finally win over the racing thoughts in my mind.
Being an insomniac was just one piece of a much larger puzzle that included anxiety and depression. Every night, as I lay in bed, the silence of the world around me would amplify my own thoughts, dragging me into the depths of overthinking and replaying painful memories like a broken record.
There was one memory in particular that haunted meâthe moment I lost my father. I hated bringing it up with my mom, not just because it would reopen my wounds, but hers as well. I was supposed to be a young adult, capable of navigating my own pain, yet I felt lost and fragile, like a child needing a parent's comforting embrace.
If only I had a remote control to pause and rewind life. I'd go back to when my dad was alive and things felt normal. But life didn't offer do-overs, and I had to come to terms with that reality, no matter how painful it was. Each day was a reminder that I had to find a way to be strong, to face the world even when it felt impossibly heavy.
I missed him deeply. His spirit and love had once been my guiding light, pushing me forward even when I felt like giving up. I often thought about how he would want me to carry on, how his love would never truly fade.
"Hailey, are you okay? You don't look too good. Want me to walk you to the nurse's office?" Amelia's voice broke through my thoughts. I looked at her, trying to shake off the weight of my emotions. She was biting into a Granny Smith apple, the crunch loud enough to annoy me.
One of my pet peeves.
"I'm fine," I replied, shaking my head and grabbing a french fry from my tray, dipping it in her ketchup and taking a bite. My stomach churned, but I was too tired to care.
I hadn't seen Cayden today, which felt odd. Why was I suddenly looking for him? I didn't have an answer, but after our conversation yesterday at the coffee shop, I found myself hoping he was okay. I'd seen a side of him that felt real and raw, and it left me feeling both elated and anxious. Had I made him uncomfortable by asking about his parents?
"So, I guess you're relieved that Cayden isn't following you around today?" Amelia said, breaking my train of thought.
"Uh, yeah, I guess so," I replied, my voice lacking enthusiasm.
Amelia raised an eyebrow, noticing my lack of energy. "What's going on? You seem off. It's about Cayden, isn't it?"
I rolled my eyes. "No, it's just... complicated."
"Come on, Hailey. It's totally about him. You've got that look."
"Amelia, really," I said, half-laughing but also feeling a bit irritated.
She stared at me for a moment, tilting her head, trying to decipher my emotions. "Look, something's bothering you, and I don't know what it is, but I can tell it's connected to Cayden."
"Can we not talk about this? I'm fine!" I snapped, standing up and grabbing our food trays to throw them away.
As we headed towards the trash, I noticed Amelia was staring at someone. I followed her gaze to see Cayden's friends, Noah and Logan, laughing boisterously.
"Amelia, you've got it bad for Noah, don't you?" I asked, smirking.
"Is it that obvious?" she replied, her voice a mix of surprise and hopefulness.
"Well, you're certainly making it look that way," I teased.
"Ugh, you're the worst," she groaned, playfully shoving me.
"But seriously, every time he's around, you try to act all cool and collected. It's like you're trying way too hard."
"Every girl has a crush on him," she defended, crossing her arms.
"Admiring him is one thing, but the way you act makes it clear you're into him. Just admit it!"
"Fine, maybe I do have feelings for him. What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, just admit it! It's cute."
"What's cute is how I'm getting flustered over a guy, and you're completely oblivious!"
Before I could reply, the whole cafeteria went silent as someone suddenly grabbed my arm and spun me around, planting a kiss on my lips. I was too shocked to react at first, but when I realized who it was, I instinctively pushed him away.
"That's how you're going to greet me?" Levi said, a smug grin on his face. I wiped my mouth, disgusted.
"Fuck you!" I shot back, trying to shake off the lingering feeling of his kiss.
"Not denying it again, I see. I know you've missed me, but that blondie keeps getting in the way," he chuckled bitterly.
"Yeah, well, I'd rather miss a train than deal with you."
I turned to walk away, but he stepped closer, the smirk still plastered on his face. "Baby, you're the only one I want."
"Don't call me that! It's disgusting, especially coming from you!" I snapped, pushing past him and heading toward my classroom.
Amelia's eyes were wide as I returned to my seat. "What just happened?" she asked, concern etched on her face.
"Nothing. Just Levi being Levi."
"Did he kiss you? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just annoying."
"Why do you keep letting him get to you? You need to stand up for yourself."
"I am! I'm done with him."
Just then, Levi sauntered into the classroom, his presence filling the space with a mix of annoyance and dread. I could feel Amelia's eyes on me, waiting for me to react. "Can you just stop following me?" I yelled at him, frustration boiling over.
"Why would I? You're too entertaining to ignore," he smirked, leaning against the doorframe.
"Great, so you can entertain yourself elsewhere," I replied, rolling my eyes.
Ignoring him, I grabbed my bag and stormed out of the room, not wanting to deal with his toxic energy any longer.
As I made my way outside, I felt a familiar presence lingering behind me. "Can you just stop?! You're annoying the hell out of me!" I yelled, turning around only to see Mr. Brown, the principal, looking at me with a raised eyebrow.
"I'm sorry, sir. I mistook you for someone else," I stammered, feeling embarrassed.
"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" he asked, keys jingling in his hand.
"I was... sent home for a massive flu," I said, trying to sound convincing. He nodded and walked away, leaving me to breathe a sigh of relief.
I made my way to my car, hoping to escape the chaos of the school. Just as I was about to get in, I felt a warm hand grip my wrist. I turned to see Levi again.
"Can you just stop? You're annoying me!" I shouted, but he cut me off with another kiss, this one lingering longer than the last. I pushed against him, but he tightened his grip around my waist, refusing to let go. Just as I was about to scream, someone punched him.
Levi stumbled back, his surprise evident. I looked up to see Ethan standing there, a mix of anger and concern on his face.
"Don't you ever lay your dirty hands on her!" he shouted, stepping protectively in front of me.
"Ethan, what are you doing here?" I asked, relief washing over me.
"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" he asked, scanning my face.
"I'm fine," I reassured him, feeling overwhelmed by his presence. He pulled me into a tight hug, and I let myself relax for a moment, finding comfort in the embrace.
"Where are you going?" he asked, noticing my belongings.
"Just needed some fresh air and time to think," I said.
"Okay, I won't push. Just know I'm here if you want to talk," he said, giving me a soft smile.
"Thanks, I appreciate it," I replied, my heart warming at his concern.
I climbed into my car, my mind swirling with thoughts. I turned on the radio, letting the music drown out my worries, but the sad melodies only deepened my mood.
Why was Levi so insistent? It felt like he was searching for something but couldn't articulate it. I hated him for how he made me feel, yet a small part of me wondered if he was struggling too. It was infuriating.
After a fifteen-minute drive, I finally pulled into the small parking lot of the park. The rhythmic sound of gravel crunched beneath my tires, a comforting backdrop to my racing thoughts. I turned off the engine and sat in the stillness for a moment, allowing the quiet to settle around me.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, the crisp air filling my lungs like a refreshing wave. I could smell the faint scent of pine mixed with the damp earth, a reminder of the recent rain. When I opened my eyes, the world felt a little brighter, the weight on my shoulders lifting just slightly.
Stepping out of the car, I noticed the park was unusually empty for a weekday. The absence of the usual chatter and laughter of children gave the space a serene quality. A few birds chirped in the trees, their songs echoing through the air, adding to the peaceful ambiance.
I made my way toward a nearby bench that overlooked the pond. The water shimmered under the sunlight, reflecting patches of blue sky. A small group of ducks glided gracefully across the surface, occasionally diving down to forage for food. I watched them for a moment, feeling a sense of calm wash over me as I focused on their simple, carefree movements.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice the shadow that had fallen next to me until I felt the warmth of the sun shift. Tilting my head up, I was surprised to find a familiar figure standing beside the bench.
"Hi," they said, their voice breaking the tranquility of the moment.
***
It's been not-so-long since I updated. I'm so sorry for not updating last week but don't worry, here it is and I hope you enjoyed reading today's update.
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-The Author