Chapter 7 - Castle Interior Design

‘I haven’t heard from you in months, darling,’ said Sylvia, in a tone of feigned concern. The interior designer stood in Eric’s doorway, looking over the top of her pink, crescent-moon shaped spectacles. ‘I was beginning to get worried.’

Eric got out of bed and stretched. ‘Good to see you too.’ Lord Egglewort’s guest room was modest, but had a damn comfy bed. Eric had enjoyed his sleep immensely.

‘I was so relieved when your carrier duck arrived last night. Finally word from Eric. I came as soon as I could.’

‘Still five percent, isn’t it?’

Sylvia waved her hand dismissively. ‘Yes, yes. Just send a message to my assistant Sarah. She’ll arrange your commission.’

‘Assistant?’

‘Business has been booming, darling.’ Sylvia walked over to the desk, thumped down her large wad of carpet samples and plopped herself into the chair. ‘All these new adventurers really tear these places apart. Gives us a lot to sink our teeth into.’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Just last month they blasted a hole right through a castle wall, so we made a beautiful veranda.’

‘Oh, great.’

‘I suppose they’re not good news for you, are they darling?’

‘Not so much, no.’

Sylvia tilted her head to the side, as if analysing some kind of rare and delicate bird. ‘You need to evolve with the times, Eric. Have you ever considered becoming an adventurer yourself?’

Eric scowled. ‘No bleeding chance.’

‘Just a thought darling, just a thought.’ Sylvia stood back up. ‘Lord Egglewort’s going to inspect the fort now. He’s insisting you come. In case there are any rogue beasts lingering around.’ She walked to the door, paused and turned back. ‘Do please get some nice clothes on.’

Once dressed, Eric made his way through the castle’s corridors in the direction he believed to be the fastest way to the courtyard. A gentle hiss followed him as he went. He strode faster, trying to outpace it, yet the sound grew louder and louder until it was upon him. He turned to see a small cloud of steam. It dissipated to reveal Rose, slightly out of breath.

‘Good morning! There you are, finally,’ said Rose, with a far-too-cheery smile. She pulled a lever and her backpack stopped sputtering. Somehow it had been propelling her along. ‘The way you negotiated with those kobolds yesterday was amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it.’

Eric carried on walking. ‘Well, maybe you won’t be seeing anything like it again.’

Rose hurried to catch up with him. ‘Now look here Eric! You’re going to stop this nonsense if I’m to be your apprentice.’

‘You’re not my…’ Eric stopped himself. He thought back to what had happened to all those other apprentices. Could he really put her in the same danger? To a friend’s daughter? She did seem surprisingly more competent than the others. Her father, The High Governor of Murica was wealthy and powerful. Upsetting powerful people was a dangerous business, and having someone kill your daughter was supposed to be quite an upsetting experience. It could be quite nice to have someone keep him company, not to mention the extra few coppers she’d be paying. He made up his mind.

‘Not my what?’ asked Rose.

Eric shook his thoughts away. ‘Nothing. When do you reckon you’ll be making your first apprentice payment then...?’

‘I’ll have a cheque for you next week.’

Eric wasn’t sure what a cheque was, but he looked forward to finding out.

By the time Eric and Rose arrived to meet Lord Egglewort, the fort’s courtyard was packed with wagons, all full to the brim with boxes. On the side of each hung a pink banner that read: “Sylvia Perriweather - Renovator, Designer and Spaceweaver”, in an almost illegible twirling font. Dozens of servants ran to and fro, clutching furniture and fabrics.

‘There you are Eric darling,’ said Sylvia, looking up from her clipboard as they approached. ‘And who’s this?’

‘Rose,’ said Rose, stepping forward and shaking Sylvia’s hand. ‘Eric’s new apprentice.’

Sylvia looked Rose up and down with her cat-like eyes. ‘A Westerner? How quaint. A pleasure to meet you, Rose.’

‘Eric!’ cried Lord Egglewort across the courtyard. ‘Finally decided to join us?’ He waddled over to them, his belly rolling with each step. ‘Care to join me and Sylvia for an inspection? She’s going to show me its… what did you call it Sylvia?’

‘Architectural potential.’

‘That’s right, architectural potential.’

‘I’m sure that won’t be necessary,’ said Eric.

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Lord Egglewort put his hand on Eric’s shoulder. ‘I insist Eric. You can’t be too careful. You do want to get your payment don’t you?’

Eric nodded wearily.

Lord Egglewort led them around the now-abandoned fort. Sylvia babbled her ideas and Lord Egglewort gushed with agreement. Eric and Rose followed along a few paces behind.

‘What’s the deal with her?’ Rose whispered to Eric.

‘Chevron rugs are so thirteen-twenty-one. I think a distressed look would be more contemporary.’

‘We have a long-standing arrangement,’ Eric whispered back.

‘Have you thought of an accent colour yet...? You haven’t?!’

‘What kind of an arrangement?’ said Rose as they turned into the now-empty great-hall. The smell of straw still hung in the air.

‘Of course, all the fireplaces will need large mirrors propped on them.’

‘I send jobs her way and she pays me a finders fee. It’s where we… I, make the most coin these days. The upsell packages.’

‘We should get lots of antiques for a timeless touch.’

Rose scribbled into her notebook and eyed up Sylvia’s pink silk dress. ‘But she gets paid more than you.’

‘... and once that’s decided, we can talk tablescapes.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘We mustn’t give this room a focal point. It really ruins the energy.’

There was a scream.

Everyone froze.

A creature leapt out from the shadows. It wailed and jabbered, pointing a spear at Lord Egglewort.

‘Good gracious! Do something!’ squealed Lord Egglewort. Sylvia hid behind her carpet samples.

Eric got out his Sack of Clutching and rummaged through it.

‘Quickly! He’s getting closer!’

Eric produced a piece of dried meat and dropped it at the kobold’s feet. In an instant, it threw down its spear and leapt on the morsel. Eric walked over and stroked its head. It chewed and whimpered with glee.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Eric. ‘It’s just lost and hungry.’

Lord Egglewort mopped the sweat from his brow. ‘Aren’t you going to kill the ghastly thing?’

‘No need, that meat’s packed full of sedatives.’

‘Full of wh...?’ said the kobold, as it slumped to the ground.

Lord Egglewort clapped his hands together. ‘Well done! Truly marvellous.’

‘All part of the job.’ Eric stood up as two guardsmen came over and dragged the unconscious kobold away.

Lord Egglewort beamed. ‘Colour me impressed Eric! You know, I may have another job for you…. I was going to offer it to Glorp & Co. or some filthy adventurers, seemed like too big of a job for you, but after that capable display, I think you’ve proven yourself. Interested?’

‘Depends on what it is.’

‘Well, one of my villages has been having a dreadful time recently. Clopcod it’s called. A pesky dragon has been terrorising…’

‘No dragons,’ Eric cut in firmly.

‘What? Whyever not?’

‘Way too much trouble. I wouldn’t even go near the thing if I were an adventurer. That’s a sure way to end up as a roast dinner.’

‘I’ll give you five hundred gold pieces.’

A sum like that could almost buy him a new shop. Eric shook his head. ‘No dragons.’

‘Alright, six hundred gold pieces.’

Sylvia pouted. ‘Oh come now Eric, I’ve always wanted to convert a dragon’s lair, you can do wonders with the fire pits.’ She cooed. ‘Don’t forget your commission.’

‘I said, no dragons.’

Lord Egglewort sighed. ‘Perhaps I’ll leave it to the adventurers after all. Although I doubt any will have the experience to take it down. Do let me know if you change your mind.’

Eric shuddered as visions of scales and fire darted through his mind. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t.’

Back in the courtyard, Sylvia's decoration carts had been emptied, their contents now neatly piled against the castle walls. Sylvia dashed off to scold a servant for chipping a candelabra, leaving Rose and Eric with Lord Egglewort.

‘Can I get my payment now?’ asked Eric.

‘Of course, you’ve more than earned it.’ Lord Egglewort handed Eric a small coin purse, but paused as three tall men dressed in long black tunics walked towards them. They had an air of pretension Eric could spot a mile away and a way of moving that suggested they were better than everything under the sun.

‘Oh not these stinking creeps,’ Eric muttered under his breath, snatching the purse and slipping it in his belt.

‘Greetings Lord Egglewort,’ said the tallest of the men, bowing with his hands behind his back. ‘I hear you have recently inherited a delightful property.’ The air seemed to grow colder as he spoke.

Lord Egglewort frowned. ‘That’s none of your business.’

‘Actually Lord Egglewort, it is precisely our business.’ The man produced a little piece of dark card and handed one to Lord Egglewort. Lord Egglewort turned it over in his hands, confused. He bit down on it to check the material, then regarded it closely, noticing the text written on the front.

Eric already had a small collection of their little cards back at the shop, most of which were being used to prop up wobbly furniture. He already knew what was written there in a golden, rigid font, “Geiston & Geiston - Property Agents”.

Lord Egglewort looked up from the card. ‘I don’t understand, what do you want?’

The tall man’s face twisted into a grotesque, patronising smile. ‘We are here to oversee your legal obligations, Lord Egglewort. It is in your interest for you to cooperate.’

Lord Egglewort looked across to Eric, who shrugged. ‘I told you, you should have got the tax package with me. Would’ve avoided all this.’ Nobody ever got the ruddy packages, thought Eric. Served him right.

The man in black continued. ‘You owe The King a large sum of property tax, based on the value of your fort and treasure therein. Clearly, your properties are due to be revalued. We can administer all this… for a small fee of course.’

Lord Egglewort’s face went bright red. ‘This is a damned outrage!’

‘Please remain calm, Lord Egglewort. If you refuse to cooperate we will be forced to summon all The King’s men. And we wouldn’t want that now would we?’

Lord Egglewort stood still, paralysed with anger.

Eric saw his opportunity to leave and stepped away. He walked towards his mule as Rose scurried along behind him.

‘What was that all about?’ said Rose.

Eric stuck his hand down into his Sack of Clutching and rooted around. ‘Just some vultures swooping in.’

‘Is that really true? Everything they demanded?’

‘Of course. You can’t expect to inherit a castle and not pay property taxes on it. Here you have to pay the crown a proportion of your property's value as taxes. Unfortunately for Lord Egglewort here, the value of his fort’s just gone way up. Plus Geiston & Geiston are notorious for overvaluing.’

‘Doesn’t seem very fair.’

‘That’s because it isn’t.’

Rose crossed her arms. ‘How’d they find out about the fort so quickly?’

Eric tapped his nose. ‘Trade secret.’

‘You told them?’

Eric ignored her and pulled out a Scroll of Town Portal from his bag. Geiston & Geiston hadn’t paid him much for the tip-off, but he needed every copper he could get his hands on.

Rose looked intently at the scroll. ‘What’s that?’

‘Scroll of Town Portal of course.’

‘Why didn’t we use that on the way here?’

‘It’s a one-way deal.’ Eric chuckled. Westerners were so innocent of even the most basic magic.

He read out the scroll and they vanished in a puff of smoke and lightning.