Chapter 11 - Roughing It Like An Adventurer

ERIC

Eric shivered and tightened his cloak. The countryside air was bitterly cold, its unique aroma combining pine with damp. He didn’t care for it, especially not in Porkwood. He swayed gently with Daisy’s strides and considered getting off to give her a break, then looked at the state of the muddy road and thought better of it. His boots were barely holding themselves together, and a new pair was a luxury he couldn’t afford.

The branches obeyed the wind’s command, moving overhead with a gentleness only the trees understood, and that was because they didn’t have much else going on. The thick undergrowth made Eric uncomfortable. The warped limbs and dense foliage provided far too much cover for lurking highwaymen. Such things were a cliche, but bandits were staunch in their traditions and clung to the same old methods - like hiding in the bushes. The Bandit King ruled Porkwood, and he was said to be predictably ruthless and ruthlessly predictable. Eric looked back to check on Rose, but she seemed gleefully oblivious.

After a day’s ride north, Eric had almost become used to the chug of Rose’s metal contraption, which had rumbled the entire way from Porkhaven. But every now and again it would violently splutter, making him wince. He was surprised that they hadn’t drawn more attention to themselves.

‘Why can’t you just use magic and enchantments like a normal person?’ he said. ‘It’s not natural.’

Rose smiled. ‘You need to get with the times Eric. Technology is the future.’

Eric mumbled something about a troll’s nether regions and turned back. He patted Daisy on the side as if to reassure her that her job wasn’t threatened by metal gadgets. Rose’s chuffer was pulling the usual wagon that was full to the brim with equipment, which meant an easier job for Daisy, but also made her less essential.

‘Wonderful day isn’t it?’ said Rose.

‘No, it ain’t.’ Eric scowled. ‘Can’t you turn that thing down a bit?’

Rose patted the metal shell. She sat at the peak of her machine, operating levers either side while its little legs scurried obediently under the great dome. ‘I’m afraid this is as quiet as it gets.’

Eric had managed to find a spare banner for it, which made it stand-out a little less. However, the sign’s words of: ‘no dragons’ had been crossed out with a hasty blot of paint.

‘I think we should call it a day,’ Eric squinted at the last of the daylight trickling through the leaves. ‘Keep a lookout for a clearing to camp for the night.’

Rose called out from behind him. ‘Excellent! I’m starving.’

Shortly after the sun set, a glade opened up beside the road, a great circle of dark green. High above, stars twinkled through the awning of the trees, and below, the marks of old fires pitted the floor, ones probably made by adventurers rather than honest folk. This was confirmed when Eric saw the array of discarded Elixir vials, their Adventurer’s Supply symbol blending into the twigs and mouldy leaves.

Eric led Daisy over to a tree and tied her to it, being careful to ask permission. The tree didn’t reply, so he took it as a yes.

Rose leapt down from her chuffer, which hunkered down and went blissfully quiet. She stretched and pulled off her goggles, then casually picked up one of the many wrappers littering the forest floor. ‘Adventurer’s Supply ration,’ she read out loud, ‘A days sustenance guaranteed with only two small bites. Warning, do not consume more than six bites.’ She turned it over in her hands. ‘What happens if you eat more than six bites?’

Eric smirked. ‘Try to imagine having six full meals magically appear in your belly all at once.’

Rose grimaced and put her hands over her stomach. ‘In spite of that thought, I’m famished. Have we got adventurer rations too?’

‘No bleeding chance.’

Eric stopped.

There was something in the mud, something living. A shivering patch of green fur amongst the litter. He hurried over and knelt beside the poor creature.

‘What is it?’ asked Rose, coming up behind him.

‘A dire-badger.’ He noted the puddles of bile matted into its fur. ‘He’s been drinking up all these bleeding leftover Elixirs.’

‘So isn’t that a good thing? Doesn’t Elixir heal you?’

‘Yes and no.’ Eric gave Rose his best stern look. ‘Highly addictive. Adventurers can’t get enough of this damned poison, it’s probably why they’re so loopy. They leave their old vials all over the place, so a little guy like this could have gotten addicted fast. Now he’s got The Flux.’ Eric caressed the creature’s grey fur. ‘Too much too soon can kill you. Poor fella.’

‘What can we do?’

‘If he survives ‘til morning, he should be fine. But I should induce more vomiting. Go and get some bark from those greywillow trees. That’ll ease his pain.’

Rose nodded, then hurried away.

Eric put his fingers into the dire-badger’s mouth and caressed the back of his tongue. Green ooze shot out, along with flashes of lightening. Eric jumped back in pain, wiping his hands on his overalls. The animal remained unconscious and his breathing became deeper, but still not regular. It’s eyes became less green. Eric knelt back beside him and stroked his head.

A scream pierced through the forest.

Eric whipped the poisoned darts from his belt and ran towards the sound. Hopping over twigs and brambles, he followed the noise of Rose’s hissing backpack. He found her cowering, backpack-claw outstretched in an attempt to cover her face.

He glanced around. ‘What’s the matter?’

Rose jumped at his voice. ‘The tree! It spoke to me!’

Eric laughed. ‘Of course. You never spoken to a tree before?’

‘No!’ she stammered. ‘I didn’t think they actually spoke. I thought it was a metaphor.’

‘Don’t they talk in The West?’

‘Of course not!’

‘How do they communicate then?’

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‘Why do they need to? They’re just trees!’

‘Just trees?!’ boomed the tree. Its two main branches folded into crude crossed-armed shape.

Eric swatted Rose on the back. ‘She didn’t mean that. Did you Rose?’

Rose trembled and shook her head.

The tree shook its leaves. ‘Damned foreigners. You’re as bad as all these adventurers.’

Eric looked up to the tree. It was hard to tell which way they were facing when they didn’t have a face, but there was usually more moss on their backside. ‘Sorry about that Mr…?’

‘Barkwellington Thunderbranch. But all my friends call me Barkwell.’

‘Friends?’ said Rose, startled.

Eric laughed. ‘Trees are very sociable, you know. Barkwell’s probably got more friends than you do.’

Barkwell rustled his leaves with pride. ‘He’s not wrong, I’ve got loads.’

‘I’m not his friend,’ chimed in a nearby tree.

‘Nor me,’ said another.

‘Oh shut up, the both of you,’ Barkwell blurted. He twisted his trunk slightly towards Eric. ‘You see what I have to deal with round here?’

‘Time for a move, maybe?’ Eric suggested.

‘Don’t you think I tried that? These two keep following me around. It’s taken me two months to move from over by the road. All this rushing around is doing my bark in.’

The trees around them sniggered, resounding into the forest. It sounded as if the wind was joining in too.

Beads of sap started to seep from Barkwell’s trunk.

‘Don’t listen to them Barkwell,’ said Rose. ‘We’ll be your friends.’

‘I don’t need your pity!’ Barkwell sniffed. ‘Especially not a Westerner. You’re more machine than human.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with a bit of technology.’ Rose shuffled her pack. It gurgled and emitted a whiz of steam.

Eric clapped his hands together. ‘It’s been lovely chatting guys, but we were really only looking for deadwood. Mind if we take some?’

The trees murmured.

‘By all means.’

‘Sure.’

‘Enjoy my dead bits you pervert.’

‘No problem at all.’

Eric bowed in acknowledgement, grabbed a few handfuls of twigs and walked back into the clearing, making sure he had enough extra for firewood.

Rose followed suit, but noticeably neglected to use her mechanical arm and struggled with her small bundle of twigs. ‘Why’d you ask them permission like that?’ she said, bending down to pick up the branch she’d dropped.

Eric threw his bundle down beside the dire-badger. ‘It’s just polite. Also, trees can be jolly annoying, they’d be moaning at us all night. Nothing worse than a moaning tree.’

He began to set up a fire but struggled with the damp wood. Rose simply watched, scribbling notes in her book.

Eric frowned at her. ‘What are you writing? Don’t you know how to light a fire?’

‘Of course, I do. I just wanted to see how you did it.’

Eric stood up, flustered by his failed attempts. ‘Well, why don’t you show me how you do it in The West then?’

Rose smiled, put on her goggles and produced a small metal disc from her bag. She twisted the device and tossed it onto the pile of wood. It erupted in a spurt of white flames, sparks and smoke.

Eric coughed and fanned his face. ‘Very clever. Couldn’t you have done that in the first place?’

‘I thought you didn’t like technology? You said it wasn’t natural.’ Rose put her hands on her hips, her face illuminated by the now roaring fire.

‘It ain’t. But I never said it wasn’t occasionally useful.’

Eric set to work brewing a concoction of greywillow bark, ash and a little Elixir residue. Once it was done, he spooned it into the dire-badger’s mouth. It wasn't long before the creature’s breathing was regular again. He wrapped it up in some canvas and carried it over to the fireside. Eric pulled out the camping gear from the wagon and dragged them over to the least muddy looking patch in the clearing. Under normal circumstances, Eric would have been sure to stay at actual lodgings like a normal traveller, not camp in a forest like a filthy vagabond adventurer. But he had to save in any way that he could, which included forfeiting warm beds and tasty dinners. He didn’t understand how adventurers could enjoy their lives tramping through the countryside. Sleeping rough was worse than sharing a bed with a were-mole.

Rose sat down beside the fire on one of the strategically placed logs. ‘So what’s for dinner?’

‘Porridge and oatcakes.’

Rose raised an eyebrow. ‘Do all Easterners eat such bland food?’

‘The poor ones do.’

‘It’s that bad huh?’

Eric hung his head and sat down in front of her. ‘They’re going to take the shop and I’ll have nothing. I can’t exactly afford chimaera tail soup.’

‘Is this to do with those bailiffs?’

He took a deep breath. ‘I had to borrow a lot of money after there was… an incident.’

Rose made a knowing look. ‘Was that with a dragon by any chance?’

Eric felt a pang of fear at the thought. ‘None of your business.’

Rose continued to stare at him with her irritatingly kind eyes, eyes that didn’t possess even the slightest malice. Eric had never seen anything like it. No one in Porkhaven looked at him like that, not in the forty years he’d lived there. People who looked at people like that got their teeth kicked in if they weren’t careful.

Eric sighed. ‘When I was a teenager… I wanted to be an adventurer.’

Rose drew an intake of breath. ‘Really? Why?’

‘I thought being a hero was exciting, and that everything my father did at Beast Be Gone was a boring waste of time. That you should be out slaying demons, not catching them. I’d never been so wrong in all my life. He tried to take me as an apprentice to teach me the right way to do things, along with Freddy Glorp.’

‘Your pest control rival?’

‘The very same. Anyway, my father got a job to stop a dragon. As soon as me and Freddy heard about it we snuck off with our adventuring gear to slay the dragon the fun way. Father was only going to put it to sleep. This was years before Adventurer’s Supply, mind you, so I stole the crossbow from our shop and bought some potions from the Alchemy District with my pocket money. We wanted to show my father we were men, not boys. Then maybe he’d listen. We even left him a note.’

‘Did he come after you?’

‘Thank The Mole he did. He’d already laid traps and sedative-coated sheep around the dragon's lair a few days before. The dragon was weakened. Even so, by the time father got to us I’d been burned pretty bad. Luckily I’d drank a cocktail of potions to keep me alive. My father hadn’t, that was for adventurers. The smell of Elixir makes me feel sick even today, I’ve never had a potion since.’

‘So what happened to him?’

‘He died. As he was roasting alive, he screamed at me to fire my crossbow, screamed like I’d never heard before, “Shoot it in the eye!” The only weak spot. But… I was too late.’ Eric took a deep breath and wiped a tear from his cheek. ‘Did everything I could to get a resurrection to work. But my dad, he… was beyond it. Burned to a crisp. I spent all of our savings on failed resurrections, no refunds. From then on there have been more and more adventurers, fewer and fewer jobs, and less and less money.’ Eric paused, staring deep into the fire. ‘And that was that.’

‘That’s awful Eric.’ Rose shifted in her seat and there was a moment of silence. It lingered as the fire flickered it's comforting melody. ‘Well, I look forward to giving this one a good thrashing.’

Eric held back a sudden wave of emotion. He pushed it back deep down until he felt normal again, clearing his head. ‘Dragons ain’t anything to look forward to. They’re not romantic like they are in the tales. They’re nasty things that’ll burn you up and slice you to ribbons in seconds.’

Rose gulped. ‘I see. Well, at least it’ll be exciting. I’ve never seen a dragon before.’

‘And they’re real ugly too.’ He could still see the dragon’s face. The one which tore into his father. The man who taught him everything he knew, gone in a flash of teeth and cinder.

‘With me by your side, I’m sure we can sort out this big ugly dragon. Then we’ll save your shop and buy you a new door.’

Eric emptied the oats into a pan over the fire. ‘I’m not sure this job will be enough to cover the debt. And even if it was, all these adventurers take the good work from me. I can’t even get a contract clearing out goblins from caves, that used to be my bread and butter.’

‘Sounds like we need to put an end to this adventurer craze.’

‘And how do you expect us to do that?’

‘I’m sure we can think of something.’

Eric poured water into the pan from his waterskin and gave it a stir. ‘It’ll figure itself out eventually. We’ve just gotta weather the storm.’

Rose stood up. ‘What kind of attitude is that?! It’s all happened with too much coordination, it can't be just a coincidence. We need to take action! Fight back! Do you just want to roll over and take it? Let them kill their way through every creature in the land? They’re going to make everything extinct!’

It was infuriating what the adventurers had done to the world. Maybe she was right. What he wouldn’t do to go back to the way things were. When people were compassionate to monsters, when you could walk down the street without a threat of violence, when the world was a quieter, more peaceful place. Perhaps there could be a way.

‘I’ll think about it,’ he conceded, ‘But first things first, let’s stop this ruddy dragon. Alright?’

‘Alright.’ Rose sat back down, content. ‘Thank you for taking me on, Eric. I want to help as much as I can.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

In the background, the trees mumbled their approval, but it was lost in the sound of the wind.