Hideaway Heart: Chapter 23

“KELLY. YOU OKAY?” The seamstress looked up at me from where she knelt, pinning the hem of my awards show dress.

“I’m fine,” I said. “Sorry, I zoned out. Did you need me to turn?”

“Yes. I just want to look at the back in the mirror.”

Dutifully, I rotated ninety degrees and let her do her thing. I wasn’t sure what was the matter with me. Everything for the awards performance was going well. After apologizing for his rudeness during our last phone call, Duke was treating me with polite friendliness. Rehearsals were running smoothly, we sounded great together, and the label and producers were thrilled.

Wags, my agent, my parents, and the rest of my team were all proud of me and excited to watch the show. Jess was back in town, and it felt great to have a buddy again. I told her all about Xander, and she almost choked, she laughed so hard. She thought it was hilarious that the bodyguard I’d tried so hard to fire turned out to be the best sex of my life.

The divorce scandal had run its course, so paparazzi were interested in me again, and there was a lot of are-they-or-aren’t-they speculation about Duke and me since we were being heavily promoted as the opening act, but with Xander by my side whenever I was in public, I always felt protected.

I loved my dress—a long, glittering silver gown with a high slit—and I was eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, and despite my late nights with Xander, doing my best to get enough sleep so I’d look and feel my best on Thursday night.

And yet, with just two days to go before the show, I felt like I was constantly on the verge of tears.

“Okay,” the seamstress said, rising to her feet. “Face the mirror one last time.”

I did as she asked just as Jess and my stylist, Kayla, entered the room. Both of them ooh’d and ahh’d.

“It’s so perfect,” Jess gushed.

“I’m so glad we went with the silver,” said Kayla. “It’s so sophisticated.”

“I think it’s perfect for introducing Kelly Jo Sullivan to the world,” said Jess.

“Thanks,” I said. Then without warning, I burst into tears.

“Oh honey, what’s wrong?” asked the seamstress. “Is it too tight?”

Blubbering, I shook my head. “It’s not the dress.”

Jess and Kayla came forward and helped me off the pedestal. “You’re overwhelmed,” Jess soothed. “This is a lot all at once. Let’s get that dress off and then we can talk.”

They helped me out of the heavy, sequined gown, which Kayla carefully took back to the seamstress. Once I was dressed in my jeans and top again, we walked up the street and ducked into a coffee shop. Jess and I grabbed a table at the back, and Kayla put in our orders at the counter.

A few minutes later, cold brew in hand, I tried to find words for what was wrong. “This is dumb, you guys,” I said, dabbing at the corners of my eyes. “I have nothing to be upset about. Everything is going fine.”

“Is it Duke?” Jess asked, ever suspicious of my ex.

“No. Believe it or not, he’s actually been a gentleman all week.”

“Is it that former bodyguard?” Kayla wondered. “I heard there was someone threatening to sue, of all the ridiculous things.”

“He was threatening, but he backed off. It’s not that.”

“Is it your dad?” Jess asked gently. “I know it’s hard on you when he comes and goes the way he does.”

“That does get to me,” I admitted, “but I don’t think it’s him.”

“Is it Xander?” Kayla asked. “I haven’t wanted to pry, but what’s going to happen when he goes back to Michigan?”

“I don’t know.” I fought off tears again. “But I suppose that could be it. Beneath all this great stuff is this fear that I’m never going to see him again, never feel as good as I do when I’m with him.”

“Have you told him that?” Jess asked.

I shook my head. “No. It’s just sort of understood that when we part ways, we’ll part ways. I don’t think either one of us is into the idea of a long-distance relationship.”

“So it’s all or nothing?” Jess cocked her head. “I mean, you guys just met. Maybe there’s room to start slow and let it grow. See what happens.”

“But I don’t think I’d do well if we weren’t exclusive. I’d hate the thought that when we’re apart, he might be with someone else. Actually, it makes me feel physically sick.”

“You need to talk to him,” Kayla urged. “You’ll be sorry if you don’t. Trust me when I say the dating pool around here is shallow and scummy.”

“I think your taste in men might be an issue,” Jess teased.

“Tell me about it. It’s like I’m only attracted to losers. ‘What? You’ve got no money, no steady job, no car, and you’re sleeping on your friend’s couch? No, thanks. Oh wait, you play the guitar? Take my body.’” She shook her head. “Someday, I will like an actual grown-up man.”

“Xander is definitely a grown-up man,” I said. “As far as I’m concerned, he’s got everything going for him except that he lives far away. He works hard, he’s devoted to his family, he makes me laugh, he’s got a big heart, and he gets me like nobody ever has.”

“He’s not bad to look at either,” drawled Jess. “And I’ve only seen him fully clothed.”

“I can confirm he is quite nice to look at with no clothes on,” I said, laughing. “Ten out of ten.”

“Then what are you doing here with us?” Kayla prodded. “Go talk to him. Right now. Get out of here.”

“But it’s so scary.” I chewed the end of my straw. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way I do?”

“Then you’ll know it’s not meant to be,” said Jess with a shrug. “But at least you won’t always wonder what might have happened if you’d been brave enough to ask.”

When my driver brought me home, Xander was there waiting to introduce me to my new head of security—a huge guy named Marius with dark skin, a deep but gentle voice, and sharp brown eyes. Xander had told me all about him, and after a few minutes, I could see why he’d been the favorite candidate. I especially loved his reaction when I asked to see a photo of his little girl—he immediately pulled out his phone and showed off pictures of an adorable baby just learning to crawl, as well as his beautiful wife.

“I can’t wait to meet them,” I said with a tired smile. “Welcome aboard.”

He nodded, returning the smile. “Thank you.”

“Tomorrow, Marius and I will go over to the auditorium where the awards are taking place and check things out. I spoke to Wags about getting us security clearance. He says it won’t be a problem.”

“Okay.” My voice cracked, and my throat felt dry. I needed some water. Maybe some ibuprofen too. I had a headache.

Xander was looking at me carefully, like he knew something was wrong. Could he tell I’d been crying? He turned to Marius again and held out his hand. “Thanks for coming today. I’ll see you at nine tomorrow, and we can do the paperwork after that.”

“Sounds good.” He shook Xander’s hand and nodded at me. “See you tomorrow.”

After showing him out, Xander took my elbow and led me straight up to my bedroom. Closing the door behind us, he took me by the upper arms and looked at me with serious dark eyes. “What’s wrong, baby?”

I opened my mouth to start the conversation, but instead of the careful words I’d rehearsed on the way home, I burst into tears and threw myself into his arms. Face in my hands, I sobbed against his broad, comforting chest while he held me, saying nothing. He stroked my hair and my back. He rocked me gently. He made deep, soft shushing sounds that sounded like waves on the shore. I cried it out until my eyes went dry and his shirt was soaked, and all I had left in me were a few leftover shudders.

Finally, he kissed the top of my head. “Did the dress not fit?”

I laughed and hiccupped at the same time. “No. It fit fine.”

“So what’s this about?”

Tell him now, I thought. Just say it. Be brave.

I took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m worried about what will happen when you leave.”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. The cameras work perfectly, and Marius is familiar with the system. Your alarm system is working, your doors are all secure, your staff all passed background checks. I did ask your landscaper about getting a taller fence for around your pool, and he’s going to work on that. When it comes time for your tour, Marius is going to hire a couple more guards. You’re safe, or I wouldn’t leave you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

His hands stilled on my hair.

“Just listen for a moment, Xander, okay?” Leaving my head tucked beneath his chin—it was easier if I didn’t meet his eyes—I spilled my guts. “I know what I’m about to say sounds crazy. My life and business and family are here in Nashville, and your life and business and family are up in Michigan, and trying to make something work between us would be hard. We’d always be saying goodbye to each other. I’d miss you all the time.”

“I’d miss you too,” he said quietly.

“And it’s not just the distance between Nashville and Cherry Tree Harbor. In a few months, I’ll be on tour again, and the separation might feel even worse. I mean, I’ve got trust issues. I’ve got deep-seated insecurities that have nothing to do with you and aren’t your fault. It would be hard.”

“The separations would be hard.”

“Plus, we’ve only known each other a few weeks. Maybe what I think I’m feeling isn’t really what I’m feeling. Maybe it’s just that the sex is so good. Maybe it’s just that I trusted you so fast and so completely. Maybe it’s just that I feel so damn safe when I’m with you, and I’m scared to lose that feeling. I don’t know what I’m saying . . .” I pulled away and looked up at him. “I just know I don’t want to say goodbye.”

His eyes were smoky and serious. “Then fuck it. Let’s not say it.”

My heart stumbled over its next few beats. “What?”

“Let’s not say goodbye.”

“You . . . you mean it?”

“I mean it. I feel the same way you do. And I agree—all those reasons you listed why this might not work are valid. The distance and the time apart won’t be easy. But I can’t walk away from you without a fight.”

“You can’t?” Tears filled my eyes, and I snuggled back into his warm, solid chest.

“Fuck no. I don’t know what you did to me, Kelly Jo Sullivan, but I kinda like it.”

“Does it feel like you’ve been hit with a hundred million volts?” I asked instead.

He laughed. “That’s exactly what it feels like.”

“Good.” I squeezed him tight. “So what do we do now?”

“I’m trying to figure that out. I’m wondering if I should ask Austin and Veronica if they can cover Buckley’s opening.”

“No!” I leaned back and placed my hands on his chest. “No way. You’re going back up there to open that bar yourself. I will not have it any other way.”

He frowned. “I have some concerns about the—”

“Xander, no. This relationship doesn’t mean we stop following our dreams. I refuse to be the reason why you were not there the night Buckley’s Pub opens its doors. Did you book a flight?”

“Yes. For Thursday morning.”

“Good. You’re going to be on that flight, and that’s that.”

He quirked his brow. “Now who’s bossy?”

“You must have rubbed off on me.”

His eyes lit up, and he opened his mouth, which I quickly covered with my fingers. “No dirty jokes. We’re having a very sweet conversation.”

“Fine,” he mumbled. He kissed my fingers, then took me by the wrist, removing my hand from his lips. “But I want it on record that I don’t feel right leaving the day of your big show. I want to be there for you.”

“You’ll be there in my heart, and you can watch on TV,” I said. “Hey, I have an idea! Let’s come up with a little sign that I can give so you’ll know I’m thinking of you.”

“How about this?” He mimed giving a blowjob, fist in his face, tongue poking the inside of his cheek.

“Um, no, I will not be doing that on camera. I meant something like this.” I tapped my chest three times, right over my heart.

“Yeah, your idea is probably more appropriate,” he said with a shrug. “Let’s go with that.”

“Perfect. Look for it on Thursday.” I sighed. “I promised Duke I’d let him pick me up so we could arrive together. I wish I hadn’t.”

Xander growled, his eyes narrowing.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. But I will make it very clear to the media we are not back together. Believe it or not, Duke has actually honored his promise to keep things casual between us.”

The lines in Xander’s forehead deepened. “I don’t trust him. I never will.”

“But you trust me, right?”

“Yes.” His face relaxed and he kissed my forehead. “Of course I trust you.”

“Good.” I leaned back again, cringing when I saw the giant wet spots on the front of his T-shirt. “Yikes. Sorry about your shirt.”

“Fuck my shirt. Are we good?”

“Definitely.” I smiled and met his eyes, tapping my chest three times. “We have an understanding, you and I.”

I was too wiped out to go on our usual run, so I told Xander to work out without me. Instead, I did some slow, easy laps in the pool, then wrapped myself in a towel and lay in a lounge chair. Eyes closed, I took deep, calming breaths. Imagined myself surrounded by warm, golden light. Thought about all the things I was grateful for.

Xander was at the top of the list. I was so proud of myself for telling him the truth about how I felt. Even if I hadn’t had the nerve to say those three scary words, I’d still taken a risk—and it had paid off.

It would be hard, sure, but my gut told me we could make it work. We were that good together. It would take effort and sacrifice on both sides, but it would be worth it. I smiled, imagining Kevin’s reaction to the news that I was in a relationship with the man whose life he’d saved—the man he’d hired to protect me. I hoped I’d get to tell him in person so I could see his face. I was definitely grateful for my brother’s choice, no matter how much I’d fought it.

I was also grateful for my voice. My health. My family. This house. My career. My team. My fans. The opportunities I’d been given. The opportunities yet to come. I even found space to be grateful for the hardships I’d experienced, whether emotional or physical. Everything I’d been through had gotten me where I was today, and I was okay. If I wanted to make changes going forward, I could. I didn’t have to let fear stand in my way.

I hadn’t backed down when that James Bond guy wanted money. I’d stood up to Duke. I’d admitted my feelings for Xander. And when it was time, I’d stand my ground with PMG. If they wouldn’t let me make the record I wanted to make, as Kelly Jo Sullivan, I’d leave. The music was what mattered to me.

A shadow fell across my face, and I thought it was Xander. “You’re always blocking my sun.”

“Sorry, peanut.”

My eyes flew open to see my dad standing there. “Daddy.” I sat up and swung my feet to the ground, wrapping the towel tighter around me.

“Don’t get up. I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He sat down on the chair next to mine, facing me. Hands on his knees. “Whatcha thinking about out here?”

“Lots of things.”

“Big week, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you given any more thought to the PMG deal?”

“Some.” I tested the waters. “I might walk away.”

He looked offended. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I want to make music that means something to me. And I’m tired of not having a say in that.”

“But they’ve been good to you. Duke thinks you’d be crazy to—”

“I don’t really care what Duke thinks,” I said firmly.

He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “I just think you ought to listen to him. He cares about you.”

“I doubt it.”

“You two have history,” he said pointedly. “And history matters.”

“Yes, history matters. And he wasn’t good to me, Daddy.” I met his eyes. “No matter what he says now, he wasn’t good to me then. He hurt me.”

Anger flashed in my father’s eyes. His spine straightened. “He hurt you?”

“Not with his fists. It wasn’t physical.”

“Oh.” As if my emotional pain was just a trifle, he relaxed again. “All relationships have ups and downs.”

“He wasn’t faithful to me.”

“But he still loves you. I know he does.”

“That’s not enough, Daddy.” My chest was so tight, I could barely breathe. “It’s not enough to just love someone. You have to show them you mean it. You have to stay.”

His jaw ticked. “Some people just aren’t meant for it. So you take what you can get when you can get it.”

I knew his warped philosophy on love stemmed from his own upbringing, and I nearly backed down. But then I remembered what I’d said to Xander in the car the night we’d danced at The Broken Spoke. The words I’d practiced.

“That’s not the kind of love I want, Daddy. It’s not good enough.”

“Is that why you won’t give me the loan? Because I wasn’t a good enough father?”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Nobody’s perfect, Kelly Jo,” he argued, like I’d known he would. “That’s your problem. You expect perfection. You can’t handle it when the people who love you are flawed.”

“Yes, I can, Daddy. I can accept your flaws. And I love you, I honestly do.” I stood up. “But I deserve better.”

Leaving him there, I walked into the house. My legs trembled, my chest ached, and my eyes were filled with tears.

But I’d done it.

What the fuck was this day?

I went straight to the gym in my basement, where I found Xander doing pushups on the mat like his life depended on it. When he saw me, he popped to his feet, his expression concerned. “Hey. You okay?”

I threw my arms around him. “I’m okay,” I said breathlessly. “I had the chance to say the words to my dad, and I said them. I said them!”

“Holy shit. Did you really?” He held me a little tighter. “Your entire body is shaking.”

“I know.” I peeled myself off him and hitched up my towel. “But I did it.”

He tucked a strand of damp hair behind my ear. “I’m proud of you. How do you feel?”

“Better. I mean, I don’t think he’s going to change. He is who he is. But I don’t feel like a trampled-on doormat right now, and that’s a good thing.”

He pulled me close again. “That’s a very good thing.”

Closing my eyes, I inhaled. “You smell like sweat. I kinda like it.”

“Why don’t you take off your towel and suit and I’ll get it all over you?”

I laughed. “I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we go up and take a shower together? Then we can order in and bring dinner upstairs to my bedroom and ignore everyone for the rest of the night.”

“Hmph. Your idea involves more patience.”

“But it lasts longer.”

“True. I guess I can be patient for you.” He pinched my ass, making me shriek. “I’ll need the practice.”

On Wednesday, Duke and I had a final rehearsal, during which I used every shred of acting ability I possessed to appear as though I was still in love with my ex, a woman desperate for a second chance. I held his hand. I moved in close. I looked into his cool blue eyes and pretended I was lost to them.

On the inside, I felt nothing, maybe even a faint repulsion. Yes, he was handsome, but beyond what he’d done to me emotionally, he held zero physical appeal for me. He was tall and wiry, with none of Xander’s carnal brawn. His icy blue eyes lacked the warmth and depth of Xander’s smoldering brown. His teeth were too white, his hair too blond, his clothes too stylish, his voice too smooth, his jaw too weak, his cologne too strong.

When we were done and the mics were off, Duke gave me an impersonal hug and took me by both hands. “I’m so glad we’re doing this. Thanks so much for filling in.”

“Thanks for asking me.”

“You sound amazing,” he said. “Never better. It’s like there’s something different in your voice. It’s richer, more mature.”

“Thank you. It’s a great song.”

“Hey, Duke?” a producer called. “We’ve got a question on something.”

“I should go,” I said. “I’ve got one last fitting this afternoon.”

He nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Pick you up at four?”

“Fine. But we make it clear we’re just friends, okay?”

“Just friends,” he said with a wink. “I promise.” He gave my shoulder a squeeze and moved past me.

I didn’t love that wink, but I decided to forget about it—I just wanted to get through my fitting and go home, eager to spend every last minute I could with Xander before he left.

He still hated the idea of leaving me, but I had a surprise for him. As soon as I could clear it with Marius, I planned to book a flight to Michigan so I could be there for the Buckley’s Pub opening. I knew Xander would be frantically busy the whole time, but that wouldn’t bother me. What mattered was supporting each other’s dreams.

I had a feeling we’d be good at that.