Chapter 9

Dear readers,

Earlier this week, my country (the United States) elected convicted felon Donald Trump back into office. I am disheartened and incredibly angry that the majority of our country chose misogyny and racism over the best interests of its most vulnerable populations. As a queer woman, I am fearful for the future thinking of how my rights and especially those of my trans peers may continue to be stripped. To my US readers who are feeling the same way, my heart goes out to you. I've attached a link to LGBTQ+ mental health resources available in the US should you need them: https://glaad.org/resourcelist/

As upset and hopeless as I and many others feel, I want to share some words of optimism. Know that there were 68 million Americans who voted for a better future. There are 68 million of us who are pissed off and grieving and ready to come together and fight whatever comes our way these next four years. Whatever happens, we're in this together, and we CAN ignite change.

And to anyone reading this who may have voted for or supports Donald Trump, I do NOT tolerate any misogyny, racism, or homophobia in this space, especially considering this book is centered around themes of queer expression, race equality, female empowerment, and dismantling a tyrannical government. This is a safe space for my readers, and your hatred is not welcome here.

Take care everyone, and keep fighting.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

In the days that follow, my strength fully returns, and I grow more used to life in Kesuk's cabin. Kesuk goes out in the early mornings to hunt, then heads to the market in the afternoon to sell his goods and gather information. He only shares his findings with me on the days that Lagi comes to lunch, which is roughly every three days. During that time, we have a solid hour to strategize before Lagi is called back to camp. Knowing how valuable that time is, we use it wisely.

In the meantime, while Kesuk is gone, I've begun making note of any valuable information Kesuk has received. Despite Kesuk's sleuthing, he learns nothing of my mother and sister's plans, even after locating my mother's former ally, Nukilik and stealthily trying to learn information those who associate with the man. From what Kesuk gathers, my mother's former ally has not been in contact with her since before the assassination. It relieves me to know my mother has not yet sought out aid from her allies in Kilneu, but I also mourn the loss of a potential lead on what she and Kiana are up to.

We find wins in other ways though. In a spare notebook, I jot down the number of allies we have so far - eleven. They are commonfolk who Kesuk has found hanging around businesses or in the marketplace that are eager to join our cause. Our numbers are not much, but I am hopeful we will find more. Our initial allies possibly have connections across Kilneu, and Kesuk's latest task has been learning from them who else to contact.

When not analyzing our numbers, I am also studying the map I purchased on my journey to Kilneu. Unfortunately, Kilaun is the only settlement where we currently have allies in Kilneu. My eyes often wander to Olikpok and Nuniq in the north, as I wonder how to acquire allies there as well. Even more often, I glance farther across the map at the other regions of the empire. I wonder, when we are finished with our work in Kilneu, where should we head next? Dangerous as this mission may be, the chance to travel excites me. It is a freedom I have never had the pleasure of experiencing before.

One afternoon, Kesuk and Lagi return to the cabin at the same time. After three days of snow storms delayed our strategy session, I am thrilled to get back to work. I set out the lunch items Kesuk asked me to prepare when he took off this morning. In his spare time, he has been teaching me how to cook Kilneu delicacies, including freshly caught rabbit, which he often prepares into a stew. He prepared the dish earlier in the day and asked me to occasionally stir throughout the morning. The savory scent radiating through the cabin gives me hope that I did not ruin his recipe.

"I have good news," Kesuk announces as he takes a seat at the table.

"I can't wait to hear," I say. I take a quick bite of the stew and hum in delight. It won't live up to the fresh seafood of Landiani, nor the royal delicacies I was served in Esterpool, but food is food, and I am thankful Kesuk is a good cook, or at least a good hunter.

Kesuk fishes into his pocket and pulls out a list. I read over it, seeing a large scroll of names. However, on second glance, I realize this is not Kesuk's handwriting.

"What is this?" Lagi asks.

"I heard back from a good friend of mine in Olikpok. The postman stopped me on my way out of the market today and said he was instructed to hand deliver this to me. It's a list of new allies in that village," Kesuk explains.

I count the names in my head. Ten in total. That nearly doubles our count. "That's amazing!" I exclaim.

"Your friend was wise to make sure the letter got into the right hands," Lagi notes.

"I wonder what we'll do when we have enough allies," I think aloud. "Should we have them refuse to mine in the mountains when spring comes? Resist being drafted into the army? Imagine if the current soldiers fought back against their Magnuvian superiors? That would be something to see."

"We still need many more allies before we can think along those lines," Lagi interrupts.

I groan at this fact.

"He's right," Kesuk says. "This is a great development, but we lost a lot of potential when you forbade us from seeking out those who your mother had as allies. Besides, spring is still far away. We do not know what can happen in that time. Hopefully only good things for our mission, but..."

I can tell he does not want to finish his sentence. I know that the time we have here is sacred. There is no telling when I will be discovered or if the Magnuvians will do something dreadful here in Kilneu once the snow thaws. For now, I suppose I should savor my safety. Once our numbers grow, we will not be able to keep the plan concealed.

I open my mouth to ask if there is any other way I can assist besides keeping notes and staring at maps all day, but before the words leave my mouth, a knock resounds at the door.

"Lagi? Are you in there?" a masculine voice that's strangely familiar says on the other side.

I panic and quickly rush to the couch, covering myself with a blanket. Lagi scrambles up from his seat, knocking his bowl of stew over as he does so. Siku quickly leaps to lick it up, while Kesuk springs into action to both save the mess and greet the unexpected visitor. I crawl across the floor with the blanket, expecting Lagi to be smart enough to buy me some time to get into a bedroom, but I am only halfway to the hallway when the door swings open. I curse him internally and move very slowly, not wanting to draw the attention of whoever is at the door. Since he recognizes Lagi, I assume it is another soldier.

I scooch a millimeter, knowing that so long as the visitor is distracted, I can get to my bedroom safely. However, Lagi's next words cause me to pause in my movements.

"Vasa? What are you doing here?" Lagi hisses, annoyance in his tone.

Vasa? Dread settles over my stomach as I remember the last time I saw him in the market in Tetoa, turning him down once and for all. I wonder what he is doing here. I do not think this is Lagi's first time running into him, judging by his unsurprised reaction. Since when has Vasa been residing in Kilneu though?

"I knew you were heading somewhere each day!" Vasa exclaims. "Have you been cheating on Palila? Is there a pretty Kilneu woman you've been seeing? I unfortunately haven't found any for myself yet, but—"

"Hello," Kesuk says. I can guess he has now stepped into the doorframe.

"Oh!" Vasa exclaims. "What a twist! Lagi, I'm surprised to know you like men too—"

"I don't!" Lagi shouts. I can hear his exasperated sigh in the doorframe. "This is Kesuk. He's a local who I've become friends with. I come over here for lunch sometimes. That's all there is to it."

I bite down on my lip to refrain from chuckling at their interaction. Once I feel the laughter subsiding, I begin inching closer to the hallway while they remain busy introducing themselves. I block out their greetings, but I do hear word that Vasa is a soldier. I feel bad for him then, wondering if it was the repercussions of my mother's plan that landed him in Kilaun. I decide not to linger on my guilt too long and continue moving. I am almost to the edge of the hallway where I will be hidden on the other side of the wall. Luckily, Vasa has not noticed.

I rise slightly, hoping a small step will bring me all the way there, but as I do so, my foot catches on the blanket. I trip over my legs and tumble to the ground, landing against the wooden floors with an echoing thud. The blanket falls from my head, and as I turn to look at the doorway, all eyes are turned on me.

Vasa's eyes widen in shock at the sight of me. I expect him to shout in surprise and call for other soldiers to arrest me, but his next words surprise me.

"Lagi! How could you? You're cheating on Palila with Fetia?!"

"No!" Lagi and I simultaneously shout.

"Vasa, get inside," Lagi snaps.

I sigh and rise, finally getting a good look at Vasa. His once long, flowing hair is cut much shorter now to match military standard, and his normally clean shaved chin is growing in with stubble, but other than that, he appears to be good in health. His eyes are still bright, and his muscular build remains the same as in Tetoa. I suppose you can't expect anything else from the local village heartthrob. Even the toils of military training do not alter his appearance much, whereas with Lagi, I can visibly see the pain and suffering he has been through in his months as a soldier.

"So, Fetia...how have you been?" Vasa asks, leaning his hand against the wall. "It's been quite some time, after all."

I ignore him and turn to Lagi in frustration. "Can you explain why he's here?"

"Actually, I would like to know who this man is, too," Kesuk chimes in. "And why there seems to be such tension in the room?"

I shoot Kesuk a glare and return my attention to Lagi.

"Vasa arrived to Kilneu a little over a month ago," Lagi explains. "He was one of the soldiers recruited after the assassination. I've been showing him the ropes since he's from home. I did not think he would follow me here," Lagi says, glaring at Vasa.

"You didn't think to mention him to me?" I ask Lagi.

"Oh, have I been on your mind?" Vasa asks, trying to give me a charming smile that worked on every other girl in Tetoa save for me.

I roll my eyes and try to push down my anguish at Vasa's presence. I had hoped at the very least that leaving Landiani would ensure that I would no longer have to listen to his pathetic attempts to win me over anymore.

"Ah, you two were a couple, then?" Kesuk guesses.

"No!" I shout angrily, simultaneous with Vasa's more saddened, "No."

Lagi answers my question, then. "I didn't think it was relevant to bring up he was here. Besides,

you have enough to think about right now. I was certain you would not be thrilled at hearing Vasa lived nearby. And now that you've seen him, well..."

"Way to rub it in," Vasa says. "Although, I am confused what you're doing here, Fetia."

I stare at him, perplexed for a moment. I hope he is not so dumb that he has forgotten I am a wanted criminal in the Magnuvian Empire. Thankfully, his finished sentence provides me clarity.

"I assumed the Magnuvians had caught you and thrown you in a prison somewhere."

I shake my head. "I think my crimes would warrant more punishment than imprisonment."

"So you've been hiding in Kilneu this whole time?" Vasa asks.

I glance at Lagi uneasily, wondering if I should trust Vasa. Thankfully, he understands my stare and nods his head. I decide to start out with simple details, rather than serving Vasa a whole platter of information like I did with Lagi.

"I traveled here from Landiani," I admit. "It was no longer safe for me there. I admit I was...unprepared, to say the least. Kesuk found me in the middle of a blizzard, and I have been recuperating here since."

Vasa's eyes widen in terror. "A blizzard! Oh my, are you okay?" he asks. He approaches me and reaches a hand out to get a careful look at any injuries I might have, but I swat his arm away before it can make contact with my skin.

"I am fine," I assure him. "Right, Kesuk?" I ask.

Kesuk nods eagerly. "She has been recovering well."

"That was stupid of you, Fetia," Vasa says. "The Kilneu winter is treacherous. Even I know that."

"Yes, I know," I mumble, feeling humiliated to receive a lecture from Vasa out of all people.

"It's good to know you're on the mend," Vasa says. He glances around the room for a moment and stares at us. I see the gears turning in his head. "So then...all of you...meet up regularly?"

I once again glance at Lagi and Kesuk for support, hoping we can just say something along the lines of Lagi has been visiting me while I recover, but I can tell from the defeated look in Lagi's eyes that we will not be able to conceal the truth. Vasa knows that I am in Kilneu now, and that is dangerous knowledge for him to have, especially when he does not understand the whole situation.

"Maybe you should take a seat," I say to Vasa.

Vasa seems confused, but he complies. The three of us sit near him, and I take a deep breath, wondering how I want to phrase this. Suddenly, Lagi juts in.

"Vasa, please, whatever Fetia says, you must keep secretive, and I mean it," Lagi begs. There is a desperation in his voice I have not often heard. "If any of this information were to get out, or you were to be discovered knowing some of it, not only would you be killed, but probably the rest of us as well."

I see fear reflect in Vasa's eyes. He nods slowly. "I understand."

I take a deep breath, then stare back up at Vasa. "We are plotting to end the Magnuvian Empire."

Vasa's eyes widen. "But—"

"Not in the way my mother and sister tried to do," I explain. I very carefully lay out a stripped down version of events – how I was maid to the princess but did not partake in my mother's final plan to assassinate the royal family, how we hid out in Landiani for a few months afterwards, and how when my mother decided to restart her plans, I knew I needed to take a different approach.

"We are in the beginning stages of gathering allies in Kilneu," I say, ending my story. "Lagi and Kesuk were my first supporters, and since then we have been expanding our reach throughout Kilneu."

I watch all the information settle into Vasa's head slowly. I worry when he is quiet for a while.

"Please do not tell," I blurt out, in a tone almost akin to whining.

Vasa shakes his head. "I wouldn't. In fact, I would love to join you."

I blink in disbelief for a few moments. Kesuk smiles, seemingly happy with this decision, but judging by Lagi's uneasy expression, I can tell we are both hesitant.

"Vasa, you realize how much of a risk this is," Lagi says. "If you were discovered, I do not think you would be imprisoned. The Magnuvians would find a way to torture or kill you swiftly. I am doing my best to help from a distance because I have Palila and my family to protect at home. If you care for your family in Tetoa, this may not be the best decision for you."

"Tetoa is destroyed," Vasa says, his usual joyful tone being reduced to sorrow. "My family is displaced. There is little else now to protect. I would rather take a chance on making a difference rather than sitting around and playing soldier. I want to stand with Fetia."

"Thank you," I say, but another worry creeps up inside me. "This is a decision that you are making though, correct? You're not making this decision because of your feelings—"

Vasa holds out his hand, and as he draws in a deep breath, I sense a new sort of maturity in him that I never saw displayed in Tetoa. I realize I was foolish suddenly to not think that these past few months have not been as hard on him as the rest of us.

"I'm happy to see you, but you made your feelings clear for me before you left Tetoa. I know you do not feel the same way, and I think I have worked through most of those feelings. But if you would not feel comfortable with me joining, then just say the word."

"N-No," I sputter, surprised. "We really do need all the allies we can get. We'd be happy to have you join us."

"Then, it's settled," Kesuk says. "We have a new ally! And someone else to strategize with. What a productive meeting today."

"Vasa, you should head back to lessen suspicion," Lagi says. "I'll be a few minutes behind you, and we can figure out when you should next join us."

Vasa nods and rises. He glances over at me and flashes a brief smile. "It's good to see you well, Fetia. I'm looking forward to working together with you."

"Likewise," I say, still shocked by his decision to join, and rather fast at that. Vasa leaves with not another moment to spare, and the three of us are left in the aftermath of our discovery.

Kesuk lets out a sigh of relief first. "I am glad he was willing to join us. I thought for sure that was the end of everything."

Lagi glances at me nervously. "I'm sorry he had to intrude, Fetia. I really was not planning to bring him into our plans, or quite frankly even make you aware that he was drafted recently. I know that you two did not...get along."

I shake my head. "It's fine. Truly, we do need the numbers, even if it's Vasa. And honestly, it's nice to see more people from home. It makes me feel like I am carrying a small piece of Tetoa with me."

I think to myself how strange it would be months earlier knowing that I would be associating myself with Vasa instead of my family, but I suppose I did not expect to have a love affair with the Magnuvian princess either in that time.

"When I get back to camp, I'll coach Vasa on keeping these matters secretive. The last thing we need is his loose mouth damning this plan before it can get off the ground," Lagi says, annoyed.

"Thank you," I say. "I'll hope that his intentions are sound and that he'll do his best to keep our matters private. Should we meet here again in two days?"

Lagi nods. "I'll bring Vasa with me, and we can get him up to speed."

"Perfect. And in the meantime, I'll resume my communications with the other allies," Kesuk says. "I know our plans were thrown off today, but I think this was still a good meeting. We gained one more ally at least."

I give Lagi a hug as he departs, and then I am left alone with Kesuk again, cleaning up the remainders of our lunch that Siku didn't manage to help himself to. We are usually talkative as we clean, but I maintain my silence.

"Are you worried about him joining us?" Kesuk asks.

I sigh. "Yes, but I think it will be for the best. And I trust Lagi to keep Vasa in place. I just hope Vasa is a bit more competent than when I knew him in Tetoa."

Kesuk smirks.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing. I had no idea that you were a heartbreaker, Fetia. I wonder what other secrets you're hiding," he says with a chuckle.

Images of Asteria flash in my mind. I never saw betrayal on her face - the one perk of leaving her before my secrets were spilled. Each time I try to imagine her horror at my lies, my heart seizes up in pain. I would rather not think it.

All I can do is mutter to Kesuk, "You have no idea..."