13: The Carnival of Earthly Delights - Part 3

She arrived at the top. She was very tired on account of the journey she had undertaken. But she felt relieved now that it was going to all soon be over. For she felt she needed the rest. A long rest. Here at the end of everything.

The top had a solemn air, as if it was a place of great importance. And from it, she could see endlessly into the distance, as if beyond the limited scope of the living world. She walked to the center and took out her sword, placing it face down in the center of the ground as if it was a flag to show her ascent. And stood before it to gaze off at the majestic image one could see at having reached this far.

But... that was it. There was nothing here to meet her. And there did not seem to be anything further to do. She walked around the top, glancing in various directions and waiting to see whether anything further would happen. But nothing did. And as the minutes grew on, she began to grow restless and nervous at this absence.

Standing by the edge she saw that over it there was a field of flowers, seemingly untainted by the corruption of the area, placed as if left in memorial. She looked around, confused. This was the pinnacle. But she did not make any discovery here. At the end of the path, there was nothing.

Having nothing else to do but rest, she sat down over the edge, letting her legs dangle free. She had reached the zenith and was now unsure about whether the journey had meaning. But there was nowhere else to go. This was the end. She looked idly down into the flower field, mesmerized, wondering who they were for. Seeing it made her feel sad, although she could not place why.

But she began to feel nervous. She could sense someone coming. She had always been good at doing so. She climbed back up and looked back as a solemn-looking figure draped in a black robe trodded towards her. As it got closer, she could see that under its hood was a hollow skull, bearing no emotion. And in its hands, it held a long scythe.

She petitioned it cautiously. “Who are you?”

“I am Death.”

Mei gained a tense expression, thinking over the phantom's response. But although she could not place why, she could feel that it was not lying. She looked around to see who he had come for. But there was no one else. Seeing this made her nervous to ask her next question.

“But who are you here for?”

It looked coldly on her with its empty eyes and waited a moment that seemed to last eternally before speaking. “I am here... for you.”

She looked around nervously once again, hoping that it had made a mistake. "But, Death, I am not dying. Not yet.”

She thought about this, momentarily distracted from her fear and thinking of what could have happened. “Unless... did someone kill me? Out there? In the real world?”

Her eyes became empty, thinking of what it could mean if she had been killed by someone outside of the headspace. In that moment, she felt no surprise at the idea that someone in her family might ultimately try to kill her. They no doubt wanted to be rid of her, after all. She felt a chill thinking about the world carrying on without her. Of her fading from her family's memory. Being nothing but a scrap of old photos as they continued on with life in her absence.

Death's tone softened slightly. “Poor child. Do you not remember?”

Her nervousness increased. “Remember what?”

Death held up its hand. As it did, a spiral appeared, slowly tearing open space above the gap over the ledge. Within this, an image slowly came into being in front of her, of her own room in the real world. She hesitated before looking, afraid to see what would be revealed. But she had to look eventually. And as she did, in the center she saw, in terror, her own body hanging from the ceiling, motionless.

She reeled back in shock. “Is that... me?”

But her memories were all flooding back now. She flitted for a moment in panic, collapsing to the ground and holding her head. Denial rushed through her like lightning, making her hope that there was some mistake. But she could remember it all now.

The panic slowly subsided. And on realizing what had happened, she looked down in shame. She remembered now why she had come here today. It was to say goodbye. To say goodbye to her memories one last time before she sailed off from life and identity.

But she could not accept it. Maybe she felt that way before. But she did not feel that way now. “No, it can't be. I'm not ready to die. I don't want this!”

Death looked at her without expression. “There are few who are. But they do not get that choice. You are given one chance at life. And your life is now drawing to its close.”

She made an angry face, about to protest again. But she thought it over and gave up without speaking. How could she be angry at Death? It was not the one who brought her here. No. She was the one who had brought it here.

She stood up slowly and walked over to it quietly. She stood next to Death now, hanging her head in defeat. “Is this it, then? I guess I really did do it after all. I was thinking about it for a long time. I suppose my family might be happier without me. Now... I can give them what they want.”

She looked at the body that was in front of her. “Did I... did I live a good life? I did what I was supposed to? What was needed of me?”

Death stared down at her quietly. “It is not for me to say. You, and only you, can decide the value of your life.”

She looked down. “I don't feel like it was very valuable. I wasn't wanted. I wasn't loved. I didn't even love myself. Maybe it wasn't very valuable after all. It's not like I got to enjoy it. Its possible I could have made it better, but... Its too late now.”

She stood there next to Death in the cool breeze. Despite everything, she felt strangely comforted by its presence. She felt that death did not mean her ill-will. It was just a part of life. Like yin and yang. Time ebbs and flows. And sooner or later, it catches up to all of us.

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But she had regrets. And although she was beginning to come to terms with her situation, the regrets poured over her like a river, framing into her mind a torrent of lost opportunities.

“I wish...

“I wish I could have made a real friend. Just one. For all my life, I have been lonely. And I think if I had someone to share it with, it would have been more bearable. I think... if that happened, I would have been happy. Even if I had to die young. I... almost had one once, but..."

She sat silently for a long while. “Can you tell me what it is like, Death? To have a friend?”

Death stood there quietly for a time. She worried for a moment that it was not going to answer. “Friendship is when lives become intertwined. It is to see the other as the self. To care about their life as if it is your own.”

Mei looked at Death, then looked down sadly. These were feelings that were alien to her. She understood the vague idea of caring about someone else. But she had never been taught this empathy. Her family did not ask for empathy from her. Just compliance. And they gave her neither in return. She felt like she was broken for not being able to feel it. “Death, have you... have you ever had a friend?”

There was an even longer pause now. She worried that what she had said might have come off improper. She felt herself growing cold. But in the end, Death looked down at her softly. “All of life is my friend. That is why I come to meet them in their last moments. To walk them home. And so that they will not have to die alone.”

She paused, thinking it over. And then held up a hand to Death. “Will you... will you be my friend?” She looked down sadly. “I have... no one else.”

Death looked at her. And then silently took her hand. She looked back at the image of herself. “I suppose if I had had a friend in life, I would have had something else to live for. Something other than...

“My family wanted me to live for them. But I'm not sure they were really living either. It didn't really feel like caring about someone.”

Death shook its head slowly. “It is not a true bond if one looks only at what you do for them. A true connection is when their pain is your pain. Their grief is your grief. There is a saying. No greater love one has than one who lays down his life for his friends. It is through valuing others that you can learn to value yourself.”

Mei thought about this. And she felt something beginning to connect in her mind. She felt she was finally beginning to understand the idea of true bonds. Ones that existed beyond the false ones she had been forced to play the role of. Not only of friends. Of family. What would it mean to have a true family?

She felt something intently for the first time that she had never thought about before. Something that made her chest hurt. She could feel her mind expanding. Having empathy now for the whole world. “There must... there must have been many others like me. Ones who had no one to care for them. If I could have known them, I could have helped them as well.

“Its sad. Thinking of all those who are suffering alone, with no one to care for them. But I... I can't do anything.

“I...”

She fell silent. She thought it over for a long time. About what it means to value life. Not just your own. But all life. Seeing yourself within a nexus of the great tapestry of creation.

And then... she came to an answer.

She looked up with determination. She gently took her hand out from Death's and glanced up at it intently. “I'm sorry, Death. But I can't go with you today. I have finally found the answer to my life. I will never stop fighting. For me. For my sisters and brothers. For everyone who is alone and helpless.”

Death looked down at her. “It is appointed to men once to die. Do you truly believe you can run from fate?”

She held up her arms in a commanding position. “No. I'm done with running. It is now that I have to face myself. But you just stay there and watch me. Watch me, and you will see that Lan Mei never gives up!”

She turned around to look at her silent image. She took several steps back, crouching over her sneakers for a running start. And then ran and bounded off the ledge into it, breaking through the barrier that separated it from the open space. As she broke through, she was surrounded by a tessellating image that pervaded her all around. She found herself in a fractal of her own mind, in an image of her room. She held on to her body. Hugging it now in an act of self-love that she had never before known. Seeing herself now from outside eyes, as her body hung there silently.

She pulled her hand back and then jabbed it into her own chest. As she did so, she felt great pain as if from a real wound, with both images of her spraying blood out all around her. She reached through her flesh, grabbing onto her own silent heart, taking hold of it. As she did, she squeezed it. And let go. And then repeated this, as if to recreate the movement of its beating. She pumped it to activate it as her blood sprayed out and dripped down the side of the mountain onto the flowers below.

She went on doing this for some time. But despite her efforts, it did not make it active on its own. She started slowing. And as she did, she began to be discouraged. She looked back at Death, who was still standing there, staring at her silently.

She looked at her silent body. She caressed its face, seeing now what it looked like to see yourself as an other. And by extension, what it means to see another as yourself. On and on, like an infinite jeweled net. With each jewel reflecting the others in an endless fractal.

But no. This was not over. She was not dying today. She shoved her other arm into her chest, giving it everything she had. She squeezed down on her heart as if to fall into it. She reached in, peering with her mind, seeing it now as if it was its own world full of her fading hopes and dreams. She grabbed hold of them with invisible arms and put them back in their places. And then squeezed the entire thing, as if to turn it into a diamond, doing so as her hands burned under the pressure, putting her through pain she could not have imagined.

As she did this, all at once, it began again. Her heartbeat returned, and as it did, a wave of energy exploded outward, shooting her back from the image and onto the ledge, dropping her on her back. Ruffled from the fall, she slowly stumbled up and steadied herself to bring her to her feet. She looked at her body, waiting eagerly. But all at once, she saw it begin twitching. She could see from the image that her body was now moving again, faintly, and not yet dead. And that there would still be time to return to it and fix her mistake.

She also looked around her. From the change she had caused, it had begun to change the headspace world as well. The energy wave traversed across the landscape, and as it did, the blood rain ceased and was replaced with open sky. The tainted ground returned to its green form, and the frightening imagery eroded away as it was restored to its clean sense of untainted memories. She stared in awe as she saw the change it had undergone, seeing things she thought she could never see again.

She turned to death, who was looking up at the changes as well, and whose robe had now changed with the scenery, becoming pure and white. She could not see its expression, for it had none over its empty skull. But she felt that its face looked soft. It looked back and spoke down at her. “For some, it is only when facing death that they learn the meaning of their life. Pray you do not forget it.”

She smiled back. “I don't intend to. Not ever.”

She thought for a moment. And then looked down, smiling now more shyly. “But... Death... Did you know that this would happen?”

“No. But I knew you had it in you.”

She smiled, still looking down. “Thank you. For believing in me. I will show you. I will show you all that I can do with life. Not just for me. But for all others who are alone and who need someone to care for them. But I'd better go. There is someone who needs me right now. Even if it is myself. So I have no time to dawdle.”

Death looked down at her. “Farewell, Lan Mei. We will meet again." It changed to a softer voice. “On that day, tell me how you lived your life. I will be happy to hear it.”

She gave Death a thumbs up. “I will. Just you wait.”

Death held up its arm, holding its fingers over her head like a scissors. She gave a final wave to the landscape and then sheepishly bowed her head, holding her hands behind her back. It spoke to her one final time. “I appoint you the messenger of death. Carry this message with you. And show to people the value of their life. For it is all too fleeting. And there are many who do not get a chance to see its beauty.”

She nodded. “I will.”

Death snipped its fingers together. As it did, she woke up back into the real world, falling from her ceiling as the rope snapped. She hit herself slightly on the ground as she fell, getting up and rubbing herself in a daze. She looked at the rope, which had fallen with her, and after examining it, quickly untied the noose. She looked at the plain rope for awhile and then threw it away where it would not be noticed.

She laid back down and looked up at the ceiling. “Thank you, Death. I know... things will still be difficult. Probably for a long time. Maybe forever. But I think... I think I am up to it.”

She reached a hand up to the ceiling. “We'll see.”

She laid there for a long time, just thinking. About the future. About life. About what type of person she was going to grow into. And what that person would say to her if she could see her now? Would she remember this day? Or would it be lost like so many other things into the sea of forgotten memories? She held up her arm as if to reach through time to see where it could be taken. Sorting through infinite futures to find the one that would reach back to her.

“Mei! Come down and eat dinner.”

She sat up, thinking, and then speaking out loud to herself. “Yeah. I could eat.”

She put on a fake smile so that she could maneuver the family meal. Though she felt that a bit of a real one was creeping into it as well, for the first time in a long time.

She got up and walked out of the room. She never visited the park again.