Chapter 37: Playing to Win: Chapter 37

I throw on an old pair of threadbare gray sweats and a CU red hoodie with bleach stains and make my way to Ruby’s apartment in record time, only stopping at Taco Bell because it has a twenty-four-hour drive-thru. I buy a variety of items—tacos, burritos and chalupas and haul ass the rest of the way, eager to see her.

Eager to take care of her.

I never thought I’d want to be with a girl for such an extended period of time, but I’m proud to say I’m not sick of her yet. In all actuality, I’m more entranced with Ruby now than I’ve ever been. She’s just so…fascinating. I like hearing her talk about her day. Her past. Her present. What she hopes for her future. I like hearing her stories about her family. How close they are, and how someday she wants a bunch of kids too.

Though she made that confession and immediately tried to play it off, like she wasn’t thinking about having kids with me.

Honestly? When she said it, I couldn’t help but think of having kids with her.

She’d be a good mom. She comes from a good family. She’s smart and thoughtful and sexy and funny and friendly and caring and…

I’ve got it bad for her. So fucking bad.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

This no-dating clause thing is a real drag. I’m tired of hiding what we’re doing, but I have to be respectful of Ruby’s job. I don’t want to be the reason she loses it.

But this is truly some straight-up bullshit.

By the time I’m at her front door, she’s already got it open and letting me inside, reaching for the Taco Bell bag before the door is halfway closed.

“Oh my God, that smells amazing,” she murmurs, dropping the bag onto the tiny kitchen table and digging her hand inside. When she pulls out a chalupa, she groans. “My favorite.”

“I got a bunch of stuff,” I say, watching as she unwraps the chalupa and takes a big bite. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”

“I want all of it.” She waves her hand at the bag, her mouth still full. “Unless you, uh, want something.”

I grab a basic taco and unwrap it, taking a bite though I know I shouldn’t. This definitely doesn’t qualify as part of my nutritional meal plan to keep in shape.

Once she polishes off the chalupa, she grabs her water bottle that’s sitting on the table and takes a big sip before she plucks a taco from the bag and starts tearing into that too. I watch her, wondering if she’s hormonal or about to start her period or whatever. She seems preoccupied and unusually hungry.

“Are you all right?” I finally ask after she still hasn’t said anything.

A sigh leaves her and she drops her half-eaten taco onto the wrapper that’s spread out on the table with a plop. “I’m eating my feelings.”

“Say what?”

“I’m eating my feelings,” she says slowly, like I’m an idiot.

“Oh, I heard you, I just don’t know exactly what you mean.”

She throws her hands in the air. “Derek and Natalie are dating.”

I blink at her, startled by her rapid change of subject. Shocked more by what she said. “They are?”

Ruby nods, seemingly miserable. “Isn’t it great? They’ve been together for like six weeks. I think they’re in love.”

I take a step closer, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Why do you sound so sad about it?”

“Because I’m jealous.” She backs away from me, grabbing her taco so she can nibble on it. “They’re not the relationship type.”

“Okay,” I say slowly.

“They both admitted that to me.”

“Did they tell you they were together?”

“I caught them kissing on our couch. Like full-blown making out, their hands everywhere. It was…oh God, I was so shocked. Like this is the last thing I expected. Natalie’s told me before that she hates him.”

“Doesn’t sound like she hates him anymore.”

“She doesn’t,” Ruby wails. “I think she might love him. God, I hate this.”

She polishes off the taco, wipes her hands and mouth with a napkin and then stalks off, headed down the hallway.

“Where are you going?” I call after her.

“Running away from my problems!” she yells.

This woman. She makes absolutely no sense.

I follow after her, grabbing her arm before she can sneak off into the bathroom and turn her to face me. “Ruby. Baby. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“I’m tired of keeping this secret.”

“Keeping what secret?” I’m fairly certain I know what she’s talking about but I’m just making sure.

“Us. You and me.” She sounds miserable. “I like you.”

“I like you too.” I try to ignore the way my heart swells, but there’s something about the way she just said that.

“I want everyone to know we’re together.” She pauses, her eyes going wide and she nibbles on her bottom lip. “Wait a minute. I’m probably getting way ahead of myself.”

“Are you?”

“You tell me.”

I’m starting to sweat. Do we have to have this discussion now? Right now? In the doorway of her bathroom after she just ate her feelings?

“I am,” she says, not giving me near enough time to speak. She yanks her arm out of my hold. “Thanks for the snacks, Ace. You can go now.”

“I thought you said you were horny,” I remind her.

“Only for men who are totally into me,” she retorts.

“Ruby.” I pull her away from the open doorway and pin her against the wall, staring into her distressed green eyes. I brace my hands on the wall on either side of her head, pressing my pelvis against hers. Proving to her that I’m totally into her. “Baby. You’re killing me here.”

“Don’t call me baby.” She closes her eyes. Releases a shuddering breath. “I hate it when you do that.”

“You do not.” I press my lips to her temple, kissing her there. “You’re a jumble of emotions right now.”

“I know.” She ducks her head, her hands reaching out to pluck at the front of my hoodie. “Your sweatshirt is bleach-stained.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” I tease her, drifting my fingers through the ends of her silky hair. “Talk to me, Red.”

She glances up, those eyes still full of so much emotion. She’s never acted like this before toward me, and I’m more than a little confused. “I just—I know you don’t want to talk about this. Not right now.”

“Maybe I do,” I tell her, my voice soft.

“It’s dumb.”

I cup my fingers around her chin, tilting her face up. “Nothing you say is ever dumb.”

“Really?” She sounds so unsure and I hate that I could be the reason she feels that way.

“Really.” I kiss her forehead, letting my lips linger for a moment before I pull away. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

She’s quiet, closing her eyes for the briefest moment before she speaks.

“Do you ever want…more?” Her lower lip trembles and it breaks my heart to see it. “With me?”

She whispers those last two words, so unsure, my girl. And yeah, I can’t lie.

Sometimes I’m a little unsure too. What are we doing? Where is this going?

But I know the truth. The answer is right here. Standing directly in front of me.

“I think the fact that we’re still in this is answer enough. Right?”

She nods, but I can feel the doubt radiating from her.

I remember what I told her a few weeks ago. The night I joked about eating her ass—which I continue to do on the semi-regular and she freaking loves it. “I’m in it to win it.”

Her face brightens the slightest bit. “Really?”

“I told you that before.”

“After we had a particularly dirty sexual experience,” she says primly.

I chuckle. “You don’t need to play little miss innocent for me, baby. We’re in this. I’m into you.”

A sigh leaves her and the sound is so soft, so fucking sweet, it lands in the base of my balls, making them tighten. “Sometimes a woman just needs to be—reassured.”

“I don’t reassure you enough?” I frown.

“Our situation isn’t very reassuring.” She rests her hand on my chest, her gaze imploring. “I hate having to keep everything a secret. I just want everyone to know we’re together.”

It doesn’t even faze me that she said we’re together. We are. It’s not like we’ve had a serious talk and declared ourselves exclusive with each other, but I don’t see anyone else.

She doesn’t see anyone else either.

We have sex without condoms most of the time, and if that isn’t a big commitment, I don’t know what is.

“I want everyone to know too, but your job—”

“I know, I know.” She cuts me off, sounding miserable. We’ve gone over this before. We know what’s at stake.

“Hey.” I touch her face, my fingers drifting across her cheek, thumb pressing against the corner of her mouth. “I hate seeing you down.”

“I don’t know why I’m so emotional,” she practically whines.

“What’ll make you feel better, baby?” I dip my head, brush my lips against hers. A spark ignites between us, encouraging me to kiss her again. One more time.

And again.

“Can you answer one more question for me?” she murmurs against my lips.

“What is it?”

“What are you hoping to win?” she asks, her tone cautious.

I go with my gut and answer her.

“I’ve already told you this before, Ruby. I’m in it to win .” Which is the truth. I’m fucking obsessed with this woman. She’s all I think about. All I want.

“You really want to be with me?” Her voice is so soft, I almost don’t hear her.

“Are you serious?” I pull away, so I can stare into her eyes. “It’s only been you since school started. You’re all I think about. You’re the only one I want.”

Her eyes shine. Fuck, is she crying? She wasn’t lying when she said she’s extra emotional. “You’re the only one I want too.”

I crush her lips with mine, cupping her face, communicating without words that she’s it for me.

I don’t know when this happened. When I realized that I’m halfway in love with this woman, but here I am. A complete goner for Ruby Maguire.

Wait, there’s no halfway in love with her. I am in love with her. How do I tell her? How do we make this work without her having to give something up?

Life is really fucking unfair sometimes, I swear.