*Fifty-Three*

Finn never told me why we had gone there that night; I assumed it had something to do with him feeling guilty for something most likely out of his control, that's why he had taken me there, so that for once the both of us could pretend that this was a regular ordinary relationship

I stepped into the house that night, for some reason unexplainably giddy, but once I stepped inside and took in my surroundings, my brain had genuinely been confused as to what it were seeing; it was like a family reunion, there was mom, dad and, Matt sitting at the kitchen table

What was this about?

I wiped the smile off my face

''Where were you?'' mom asked coming up to me, nose in the air as if she'd be able to smell where I'd been

I could feel dad looking at me too, I pretended to be unfazed by him

''Out with a friend'' I said

''What friend?'' mom pressed

This 'what friend?' thing of mom's was starting to get real annoying

Mainly because most of the time I didn't have an answer, that would also be a believable lie, one that would have some sort of solid proof supporting it, as opposed to telling the truth about where I'd been, which was with Finn, and no way was I going to talk about Finn, which was why I had no choice, but to ignore her and go to my room

''Your mom is speaking to you'' dad warned sternly

My heart was racing in my chest, I was scared dad might come up after me and beat me, but the need to protect my relationship with Finn was more important than answering my parents

I didn't want to answer, I didn't have an answer and the fact that they were interrogating me made me mad

My heart was pounding now

I heard mom call behind me again

''You're a kid, act like a kid, you don't get to do what you want to when you want to'' she yelled

I rolled my eyes at the door

I feel like if I had said I'd been at Amada she'd have been fine, but what if she found out that I had not been going there? And then I'd be in more trouble because why would I want to lie about where I was at unless I had something to hide

So I said nothing, I never said anything it was quite stressful having to lie and omit certain things from them because I knew they wouldn't understand.

I sometimes wished I knew what was going through mom and dad's heads especially now that they had suddenly decided to be so available and present in Matt and I's life, mom was regularly trying to make conversation with me, dad too, they were trying too hard it was pitiful

Matt had been easier to win over than me, because in the next month he was laughing away with dad like no time had passed

In a way I felt betrayed but I wasn't mad, Matt was a kid after all. I thought about why I was acting this way towards them, when I could see that they were genuinely trying to be better, it wasn't my place to judge why the sudden change of heart, all that mattered was that they were trying

I knew it wasn't so much that I was angry at them; it was just easier that way, that way they expected nothing from me and vice versa

After that incident the one where I had blatantly disrespected mom according to dad, as if he were the wiser, they were constantly keeping tabs on me which felt like I was grounded, which is a normal assumption to make due to being watched like a hawk by your parents if you ask me

So I stayed inside

It was quite funny I had gotten sort of grounded for going on a date with Finn; I mean of all the questionable, immoral bad things I'd have done over the past year, I had gotten grounded for something which to me didn't deserve getting grounded over

I mean I could've gotten grounded for drug consumption, underage drinking – nope none of that, because eating at a fancy restaurant was the worst type of sin any girl could commit

Finn didn't make it easier with his persistent calls and texts which only stirred the unease in mom, resulting in her always being near, I couldn't even close my door for a minute before mom would come up the stairs and open it, this action was enough for me to eliminate the possibility of Finn sneaking in

It didn't matter that mom didn't know that Finn snuck in occasionally leaving his car parked two houses away, where he'd then walk the distance to my house and slip through the window; she'd know pretty soon if Finn kept this up, which is why I told him to stay away, I didn't expect him to be happy about it but neither did I expect him to be such a pain about it

I don't know what it was about but recently everything Finn seemed to do just screamed clingy

It was around this time where roles had begun to reverse too, first the only times we'd see each others were at public places, namely; parties, clubs, bonfires and any type of social gathering basically

Now our meetings were secluded and either consisted of Finn breaking into somewhere and me slipping away to meet him halfway

This also meant he was going to many parties alone, I didn't mind stepping back from Finn's crazy world, my grades had gone up, I had so much time on my hands that I was using productively which I knew for a fact that if it weren't for this separation that had been sort of forced down on Finn and I, I would not have known how to create the distance I so clearly needed

To me it was a blessing in disguise, I didn't even want to know what it was to Finn, all I knew is never did I ever want to be known as the drug-selling girl

Oh Finn made it known that he hated it, not the part of me not going with him anymore on his drug-runs, but the fact that slowly I was moving away from him, growing apart even. I obviously thought him dramatic and clingy for saying this, but I knew it was happening; I didn't much care because I was still reaping benefits

The sex was great; it was like a new setting my body had unlocked that I had never known had been there all along

My sex drive had been muted at the beginning, but as time progressed it was as if my body craved it, like an animal on heat. I'd watch a movie and be turned on by it, think of something and want to do the dirty – and sure like every normal girl in school I had gotten sex education where you learn that once you reach the age of puberty your body goes through changes, and apparently it was natural but I just felt so dirty all the time

Previously virgin Emily had always wondered if people ever got tired of having sex, like doing the same thing over and over, didn't it get boring after time? Boy how wrong I had been

But this was never an issue, for Finn was always more than happy to comply with my needs, and oh the lengths we went to for this deed; Finn had come to my school texting me saying he was outside and that he was coming in at that very moment

I panicked of course, but my panic was short lived because Finn somehow made doing the extreme feel so normal

We snuck into the girl's bathroom because according to Finn the girl's bathroom was cleaner than the boys

He had pushed me up against a wall, and my heart had begun to race so fast, thinking of all the things I could get into trouble for; a teacher walking in, a student walking in, someone hearing us, what if we came out of the bathroom and everyone was standing there looking at us knowing exactly what we had just done? What if I got expelled? Thinking about it I knew the Emily of last year would have said no to this, but this new Emily was hungry

So we had done it in the bathroom, while my heart raced, and I bit onto Finn's balled up shirt to stifle my moans

The bathroom walls had been cold underneath my skin, but Finn's hands roaming up and down my body was warm

I'd like to think that was our peak in our slightly insane relationship, our peak consisted of lots of sex; we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company because we rarely saw each other so when we did it was phenomenal

Reading club was actually really fun too, I had written a paper on one of the books and Theo asked me if I wanted to start writing for the school newspaper, to which I had gently declined, unfortunately that was as nerdy as I went

I was walking out of final period when Amanda stopped me, yes we sort of had made up, but making up was not like a reset button we didn't go back to how we had been prior to me finding out Amanda had betrayed me, I knew I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it, but I didn't want to go chasing that idea of our perfect friendship because Amanda had broken my heart, and who's to say she wouldn't do it again

It was sort of funny, the first time anyone had actually broken my heart was by my best friend

Well ex best friend

''Hey Em wait up'' she called

I stopped and turned around offering her a small smile putting my kindle in my bag, which had been a Christmas present from granny, I hadn't really used it since Christmas but reading club seemed like a good place to start using it

''What's up? I asked and was taken aback that I had never thought I'd be asking her this, from going from this really close unbreakable bond, to a more reserved and friendly one, I always thought Amanda and I were endgame and that we'd be friends till we were old and grey

''it's my birthday on Friday'' She informed me

How could I forget? We had still planned her birthday party together and how it would be so great

Oh how time changed it all

I nodded, not trusting my mouth to say anything

''I'm having a party, you should come'' she finished

I nodded

''bring Finn with if you want''

Sure I thought.

Make it seem like I wanted him there, I knew her well enough to know that for whatever reason she was telling me to bring Finn with wasn't for me

I didn't mean to sound like a jealous person but I suspected that her sort of crush on him had not died down, even if she had a boyfriend. I knew Amanda's type and even if I hadn't known, the first day we had ever laid eyes on Finn, Amanda had said she thought he was cute

By which I faked gagged, but look where we were now

A flush rose to my cheeks just thinking about that day, admitting it out loud now was embarrassing Amanda had flat out stated that she was attracted to Finn and I had flat out indicated disgust towards him

I wanted to give her an answer, anything; no sorry I can't come, no we don't want to come, but I didn't know what to say, I wanted to say something smart that would sort of hurt her, something that said; I don't need you

I hated that I couldn't think of anything smart to say to her, but I could bet that later when I'd lie in bed all the things that I could've said in this moment would come to me then

Luckily I didn't have to say anything because Rue came over saving my soul

''I thought you left already'' she said to me barely glancing at Amanda

In that moment i felt sort of cool because Amanda knew me as an introvert that had only spoken to her

And here I was speaking to someone other than her

I didn't answer because Rue looked to Amanda

''Hey Mandy'' Rue said to her by way of greeting

''Rue, hope to see you on Saturday?'' Amanda responded, foreshadowing her party

Rue shrugged ''I don't know yet, maybe'' and with that Amanda nodded before walking off

''Thanks for saving me'' I said to Rue

She frowned briefly, before replacing the frown with a smile

''You didn't need saving'' she amended

''Thanks anyway''

Rue handed me my phone

''You left this behind'' she said

''Thanks'' I said my heart racing, I had no idea I had left it there

We walked outside, I glanced around no parent, I had a few minutes to kill

''Interesting choice violet chose for her book'' I murmured

Rue bit back her laugh then let it escape anyway

''Hey we don't discriminate'' she said wiping at her non-existent tears

Violet had made us read a terrible book on Wattpad, about someone that had abducted her and made her their sex slave, the title of the book was already quite obnoxious; The bad boy stole my innocence or something along those lines, this book was absent of any real storyline or even good characters, but this month we were doing all of our favourite books, and Violet had chosen the bad boy who stole my innocence

Call-me-Collin spotted us and walked over

''What are ya'll ladies talking about'' he said acknowledging us by nodding

''Hey Collin'' Rue greeted

I offered him a smile, but went on with what I was about to say hoping that mom didn't pull up, for if she saw Collin here talking to me, she'd just have another heart attack and feel the need to lecture me on how to stay away from the opposite gender

''I've always wondered why people actually like those books, it's really terrible, and I don't mean to be a prick, I know its expression and everyone is entitled to their own voice, I guess I just want to understand why''

Rue looked to me ''I wish I had the answers that you so passionately seek''

I smiled

''Don't make fun of me'' I said fake pouting

''I'm not I swear''

Collin was not taking note of us, as he had taken out his phone

''Your best friend is having a party'' he said to me not looking up from his phone

''So I heard'' I said

''Don't be a dick Collin'' Rue said slapping his arm

He shrugged feigning innocence

Both rue and I ignored him

''I don't really think it's a matter of understanding –'' Rue began ''I mean look at your situation with you and Finn, maybe your answers lay there''

I frowned

''What do you mean?'' I asked trying to seem as nonchalant and unbothered by her use of Finn and me in one sentence

''Your relationship with your boyfriend?'' she repeated slowly

I wanted to play the boyfriend card? The I didn't know I had a boyfriend card, but at the same time I also didn't feel like partaking in unnecessary games by this time, - plus we all knew who Rue was talking about, it was pretty much public knowledge by now

''I don't get it'' I muttered

''I don't mean to offend –'' Rue asserted

''No of course not'' I said understanding one hundred percent where Rue was coming from because she was legitimately the nicest person ever, who would never intend to offend or hurt anyone

''All I'm saying is, I get where Violet is coming from, I mean I don't understand it completely, but I get it, most girls are attracted to the stereotype of these bad boys

I was quiet for a moment then laughed; she was implying that Finn was a bad boy

I hated that label

But after I thought about it, if I had known any bad boy in my life it would no doubt be Finn

He checked off most of the boxes

Collin looked stressed, he looked from me to Rue, I had forgotten that Rue had been in a relationship with Finn, and I had no idea what was going through her mind right now

''Every girl secretly chases that fantasy of a bad boy type of lover, a bad boy who will be only be good to her''

''And what, good to no one else?'' I asked and I couldn't help it I laughed

''Sure'' she replied joining in

I think Collin picked up on the mood of this convo because his miserable attempt at changing the subject worked

''So this party is it a no-go"

I fidgeted with the straps of my backpack

''Probably not'' I said -''I speak for myself I added, by all means go if you want'' I added hastily

''What happened to you guys anyway? Rue asked''

''Define happened''

Collin cut in ''Since 1st grade you guys were inseparable, always around each other''

''That sounded oddly very stalker-like'' Rue observed

He went red

I laughed

''I know you know this already, but Amanda humiliated me in the worst way''

I didn't want to say she betrayed my trust because then they'd know that at the party Amanda was telling the truth, because betrayed would imply that something had been true

''I guess I trusted her, and it was her who hurt me the most'' I said more to myself than them

''I'm sorry about that'' Rue said

I gave her a smile

''What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?''