*Forty-Six*

After Christmas with the Windel's, when Matt and I went home that night, Finn had driven us home, so I didn't need to hail my knight in shining armour whose named rhymed with: Juber, and when Finn had put his hand on my thigh on the way home, I left it there – for two seconds at least, before crossing my legs, and lifting his hand.

Matt was not quiet the whole ride home, all that I was forced listen to for those few minutes was him bombarding Finn with questions and stories of how Dave and him were new best friends. Finn didn't seem to mind this one bit; instead he smiled so much my cheeks had begun to hurt just from looking at him

Finn was a good sport at least; he nodded enthusiastically at Matt and answered all his ridiculous questions

''Don't you think it's a bit weird to get a balloon necklace?'' Matt asked, and my eyes flew wide open in shock

Before I could react further Finn answered

''Weird how?'' he asked humouring him

Matt shrugged and scrunched up his nose

''I don't know, I though girls liked flowers and hearts and girl stuff on their necklaces'' - Matt paused as if he were actually imagining it

Finn nodded

I considered jumping out the window

''And I don't think Em likes balloons that much, do you Em?''

''uh-yes I love balloons'' I stuttered, taken off guard

''liar, you so do not'' he retorted

''I don't mind them'' I settled on saying, because right now Matt had the absolute power to expose me

''Well I got the balloon one because it means something special'' Finn asserted, putting an end to my misery

''Special to you or for Em?'' Matt asked.

I wanted to tell him to shush, but Finn genuinely seemed to be enjoying this exchange going on between the two of them

''to both of us, I guess''

''How can a balloon be special?'' Matt asked

''Matt – '' I said turning around to look at him, about to say something

But the squeeze on my thigh caused me to stop

''Anything can be special – '' - Finn stopped mid-sentence to shoot Matt a wink first before carrying on ''it's special because balloons don't last long; they usually blow away because it needs someone to hold on to it, but people get tired of walking around with balloons so they let go. Now imagine being that balloon, always worried about blowing away, and even if you really did want to stay, you couldn't, because not only is it impossible for you, but you can't do it alone''

''So you imagine you're the balloon, but you not actually a balloon?'' Matt asked

''Something like that'' Finn answered

''A metaphor'' I mumbled

''That's clever'' matt said nodding his head

Finn shrugged

''Okay I see now how the balloon is special''

''yup'' Finn answered and I felt him turn his head to look at me, I didn't do the same as I was still processing

I sat in silence taking in what Finn had just said; I had no idea of course that the necklace had meant that.... I looked to Finn; well at least looked at his side profile

He was grinning at something Matt had just said to him

I had assumed the balloon meant something, nothing didn't mean something to Finn, I just hadn't know this, and who was the balloon and who was the person holding on in this situation?

My gut was telling me he was the balloon, but I didn't want him to think I'd be around to hold on, it wasn't my job to it was his

In a world of balloons we all had to find ways to stay

Plus it felt more like I was the balloon, like I was trying to blow away but he wasn't ready to let go, or maybe that's just what my Ego wanted to hear?

''So is Emily like your girlfriend?'' Matt asked jolting me out of my thoughts

I swallowed, and held in my breath

Remind me to never bring Matt with anywhere again

I stole a quick look trying to read Finn's expression, there was still a smile on his face, so instead I turned pretending to be really fascinated with the air conditioning vent on my side, scared to even look up

No way was this happening

''yeah I guess so'' Finn replied

I let out my breath as silently as I could, but not for the obvious reasons, reasons being: Finn had just defined our relationship

I felt him squeeze my thigh, but I avoided his gaze completely

The whole reason why I liked our relationship was because it was ambiguous, no reason to stay I didn't owe him anything and neither did he

Asshole trigger warning:

I didn't want that label to go to Finn. And I hated him for assuming that I wanted this, because now it would require me to say something to get out of this, and I didn't want that, I liked the familiarity of our relationship, the no judgement, the benefits, the fact that his car saved me a lot on Uber money

I know this makes me sound like a bad person, like most of the things I've been thinking have made me sound recently, it makes me sound like I'm using him, and that I was stringing him along for my own benefit. That might all be true, - call me selfish if you will, but I did not want to give it up, at least not yet

Finn couldn't know this of course, he couldn't know that him calling me his girlfriend was a problem, because then we'd have to talk about it like an actual couple, and then he'd be hurt not just because it was another asshole thing of me, but because it was a genuine thing people got hurt over, so I did the thing I was good at; I avoided, pretended like it didn't bother me.

If there was no problem, there would be nothing to talk about, which was why when we arrived at my house, I gave him a small smile, and when I felt him reach over to kiss me, I looked the other way pretending I hadn't seen it coming, and let Matt see him off.

I never said I was good at acting

On arriving and walking inside the house, surprisingly there was mom in the living room, taking down the Christmas decorations. The house was clean as Matt and I had cleared up before we left to prevent future potential arguing and shouting, so the only thing that we had left out were the Christmas décor.

The Christmas décor we never took off immediately, in fact we left it out, prolonging the inevitable that eventually it had go back because leaving Christmas décor out when it wasn't even Christmas was just weird

Matt muttered a greeting to mom, and went upstairs to his room, I assumed Matt was mad at mom, because he'd been fine all night

I considered doing the same, but I couldn't bring myself to, it was still Christmas after all, So instead I went to help mom, starting with the tree

I kept stealing glances at mom, she seemed to have cleaned herself up well enough to seem fine, dressed in sweats and a Harvard sweatshirt.

Could have fooled me

''So how was your party?'' mom asked breaking the ice

This question meant that she had read the note I left her, because I distinctly wrote: gathering and mom referred to any gathering as a party.

I knew she was trying to her best to talk, have a normal conversation with her daughter, which was why in that moment I chose not to be an asshole. I'd been doing too many asshole-y things recently; I needed to balance it out with some non-asshole-y things. Otherwise I'd just be an asshole

''It was good''

''how's Cecily?''

I frowned, then remembered I put Cecily's name on there as well

''She's doing well'' I replied

''How about Amanda? Haven't seen her around'' she enquired

I gave mom a really look

''Well home hasn't been a very welcoming place recently'' I answered avoiding the mention of Amanda

Mom looked to me, meeting my gaze squarely, then shook her head as if changing her mind

''Things might not be the best, but she's welcome here anytime you know that''

I nodded slowly, I didn't have the heart to tell mom about Amanda

''I know that, but I think we have more important things to worry about'' I said instead, picking up the box of ornaments deciding that I was done with this fake interaction with mom

''I have more important things to worry about, not we''

''Sure mom'' I mumbled - ''I'm going to take this up to the attic'' I said gesturing to the box in my hand, excusing myself from this; whatever was going on here.

I didn't want to talk, well I did, but not about these things that didn't matter, I wanted to ask about dad, and what was happening here at home, - but I knew she'd get angry and I hated fighting

I was basically excusing myself from her company, and she knew this

''One more thing'' she said causing me to halt in my tracks

''Look out for your brother Em'' she said up to me

''always''

''You know I won't always be around to look out for you kids''

I held back the urge to roll my eyes

I didn't say anything about the fact that she hadn't been doing it for awhile now, neither did I say anything about the fact that she had said it likeshe was on her death bed with not very long left to live, I didn't take this as a warning sign or anything because mom has a known tendency to over-dramatize things, this few words of advice that she had given me not being the exception unfortunately

I put the Christmas décor in its rightful place then brought all my presents to my room too. I took out the Cartier box from my jacket pocket tracing the Cartier words on the box

Ironic isn't it, Finn got me a piece of jewelry for Christmas, if that isn't the most cliché thing I've ever heard; getting the girl a significant piece of jewelry for Christmas. I hadn't actually thought about what a major cliché it was until now, because I hadn't minded it one bit

It's funny a lot of us claim to hate clichés so much, - myself included, and how it makes us want to throw up in our mouths, and gauge our eyes out. But I have a theory; we didn't act like this because we hated clichés, yes I'm implying that none of us really hate clichés. It was because we liked it, and might have wanted it to happen to us. I mean my behaviour was a clear indication of this

For if I, Emily Harrison the most anti-cliché person I knew was swooning over majorly cliché things, it must have meant that I secretly loved cliché things

I think we're just a little bit jealous, because it might not have been happening to us at that moment, we could've been an extra in someone else's romantic film and somehow we managed to witness something so cliché –which yes was extremely cringe.

No I'm not a defendant of a cliché movement; I do think its cringe when the boy does something so sloppily romantic it's vile

But when it's us in that exact situation, our heart flutters or even skips a beat

Hypocrisy at its finest if you ask me