Chapter 34: Chapter 34

I slam into the locker room and throw my stick into the holder before stalking to the bench and chucking my gloves. Only then am I able to unsnap the chin strap and rip the helmet off my head.

Sweat drips from my hair as I draw a lungful of fresh air into my body and bury my head in my hands.

It was a shitty practice.

The worst I’ve had since starting at Western.

I was off the entire time, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t get back into the flow. I wasn’t focused on the scrimmage. When I should have capitalized on scoring opportunities, I missed a handful of easy shots. Then there were the defensive lapses and turnovers. Instead of battling Hayes against the boards when he was driving the puck toward the net, I hesitated and backed off.

Thoughts of Willow have been fucking with my head ever since Saturday night at Slap Shotz.

Before I can calm the chaotic whirl of my thoughts, Coach bellows, “McKinnon, in my office after your shower!”

“Looks like you screwed the pooch this time,” Colby says after the frosted glass door stops vibrating on its hinges.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I mutter as other players stop and stare at the now closed office door and then at me.

Looks of pity fill their expressions as they return to their convos.

I’m sure they’re just glad it isn’t their asses he’ll be crawling up.

Ryder strips off his pads.

A couple months ago, he would have given me shit like Colby and rubbed the predicament in my face. Instead, he remains quiet, his thoughts hidden behind a mask. There’s an unease between us that wasn’t there before.

Not only do I fucking hate it, I have no idea how to move past it.

Especially when the silence that stretches between us turns unbearable.

For a few seconds, I consider heading to Coach’s office now and getting this convo—or, more than likely, ass chewing—over with. It’s better than sitting here and drowning in this awkwardness.

“I didn’t even know you were seeing that chick,” he mutters, staring straight ahead at his locker.

“Willow,” I grumble, irritated that he’d refer to her as “just some chick.”

No matter what happened the other night, that’s the last thing she is.

His gaze flickers in my direction as he shifts. “Sorry. Willow.” After removing his chest and elbow pads, he bends down to unlace his skates. “Why didn’t you mention it? I had to hear about it from Juliette.”

I shrug as anger bubbles up inside me. It takes effort to keep it under wraps. “What else do you expect when you spend all of your time with her?”

I wince, hating how butthurt that came out sounding.

If I could snatch the words from the air, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

But that’s not possible.

They’re out there, demanding acknowledgment.

His brows knit as he frowns before glancing up to meet my gaze. “I didn’t think you had a problem with us being together.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Why does everything need to be spelled out?

I huff out an irritated breath and try to wrap my brain around my thoughts in order to express them. “I don’t.”

Well, not really.

When he remains silent, I blurt, “Guess I didn’t expect that you’d drop me like a bad habit. The only time we see each other is on the ice.”

Heat stings my cheeks as I glance away.

Now I really do sound like a needy bitch, and that’s the last thing I want.

I squeeze my eyes tightly closed and suck in a deep breath before expelling it from my body. This whole talking-about-my-feelings thing sucks even more than I assumed it would. But I’m knee deep in it. The only thing I can do at this point is wade all the way in before reaching the other side.

And who knows? Maybe the guy who’s always been my best friend will be nothing more than my sister’s boyfriend.

The sadness that floods my system at that thought is more anguishing than a gunshot wound.

“Look, I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I really am happy for you and Juliette. In hindsight, I should have seen what was right in front of my face and realized that you two had feelings for one another.” I jerk my shoulders. “Maybe I just didn’t want to see it. Maybe deep down inside I knew on some level that everything would change between us.”

Ryder blinks as he stares at me like I just sprouted a horn on my forehead. “I…” His voice fades as he glances away with a frown.

Well, fuck.

I’ve just bared my damn soul to this guy, and he’s at a total loss for words.

He can’t even look at me.

I want the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

There is definitely no coming back from this.

Even though guys are joking and talking shit in the locker room, it doesn’t infiltrate the bubble of silence that has settled over us.

Just when I’m about to tell him to forget the conversation, he mumbles, “I’m sorry. I had no idea you felt that way. I wish you’d said something sooner about it. I hate that you’ve been holding all this inside. I promise I’ll make more of an effort to hang out.” His lips quirk as he tosses his skates into the locker and meets my gaze. “Like we used to.”

Air leaks from my lungs as my heart pounds a steady tattoo against my chest. Inside, I’m fist pumping. Outwardly, I jerk my head into a nonchalant nod. “Yeah, that would be cool.”

“Whatever it takes, we’ll get it figured out.”

After a few minutes, I clear my throat. “It’s not like I don’t want you spending time with my sister.”

“Yeah, I know.” His voice turns pensive. “Guess I didn’t realize we’d gotten so wrapped up in one another that we were excluding our friends. It’s something we should probably talk about.” He jerks his chin toward me before smiling. “Who knows, maybe once you iron out everything with Willow, the four of us can go out sometime.”

That’s all it takes for thoughts of her to crash over me again.

I drag a hand through my sweat-soaked hair. “Yeah… I’m not sure what will happen with that.”

For all I know, we’re over before we ever really started.

That thought is like an arrow piercing my heart. The pain of it is almost enough to have me doubling over.

His voice gentles. “Have you talked to her about what happened at the bar?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Why not? From what I saw, it seemed like she really meant something to you.”

“She did.” I wince and correct myself. “I mean, she does.”

More than anyone else has in a long time.

Maybe more than anyone else ever has.

He jerks a brow. “But?”

“The situation is…complicated.”

His expression turns curious. “How come?”

I roll my eyes. “I think we both know the answer to that one. In three words—River fucking Thompson.”

He shrugs. “I know you hate the dude, but what does that have to do with Willow?” His eyes search mine. “One of the reasons I stayed away from Jules for so long is because I knew you wouldn’t like it. But it got to a point where I couldn’t let our friendship stand in the way of something that could be amazing. If you really care about this girl, then don’t let your issues with River be what stops you.”

He’s not wrong.

I stare down at my hands. “There’s the other thing,” I mumble, unable to meet his eyes.

“The C word.”

It’s not a question.

Ryder was there through it all when Mom battled cancer. He knows exactly how much it affected all of us.

Me especially.

Can I open myself up to potentially losing someone else I care about down the road?

I don’t know.

As that question circles through my brain, I glance around, only to realize that Hayes is eavesdropping on our convo.

When I frown, he pops a shoulder. “Just wanted to make sure you two hugged it out. I was thinking about gathering the guys for an intervention.”

With a shake of my head, I mutter, “Shut the fuck up, dude.”

I’m embarrassed that our private convo wasn’t so private after all.

Then again, maybe we shouldn’t have done this in a locker room full of our teammates.

“He’s totally serious,” Colby says, using the towel to dry his hair. “We talked about it the other night. We were thinking of catering the affair with barbeque.” He pats his belly. “I could have gone for that while you two hashed your shit out.” He shrugs. “Guess that won’t be necessary. Bummer.”

“More important than barbeque is all those good vibes we need gelling on the ice,” Hayes adds with a grin.

Ryder shakes his head. “You guys were stressing over nothing.” His gaze settles on mine. “We’re all good. Right?”

For the first time in a while, our friendship feels as if it’s back on solid ground. “Yup. So feel free to move it along. There’s nothing to see here.”

“Glad to hear it.” Colby hauls his boxers up his legs.

“You never answered Ryder’s question about Willow,” Hayes cuts in, some of his humor fading.

As our gazes collide, I’m struck with the realization that he had insider intel he didn’t bother to share with me.

My brows jerk together as I growl, “Why the fuck didn’t you give me a heads-up and tell me she was River’s sister or that she was sick?”

He shrugs. “It didn’t really seem like my place.”

Is this guy being serious?

“When the hell have you ever been concerned with minding your own business or staying in your place?” I ask with a disbelieving snort, using my fingers to make air quotes around the last word.

He folds his arms across his brawny chest. “I’ve known River for a long time. I consider him a friend in the same way that I consider you one. I know what happened between you two and I didn’t want to get caught up in the middle of it. I told Willow she needed to come clean, but that was her story to tell, not mine. And she doesn’t have cancer anymore.” There’s a pause as his brow furrows. “At least, I don’t think she does. What I do know is that she was diagnosed in high school, and by the time we graduated, she was in remission. That girl has been to hell and back. She deserves all the happiness she can grab hold of. And if you can’t be a part of that, then don’t mess with her.”

Hearing about her cancer is like a kick to the balls, and sucks the air from my lungs as icy fingers wrap their way around my heart before squeezing. It takes a few seconds to realize that it’s the very same kind of fear and anxiety that takes hold of me when I worry about Mom.

I’ve spent years trying to keep these emotions at bay.

Somehow, Willow has managed to sneak past all of my defenses and burrow deep inside my heart.

I have no idea if there’s a way to evict her.

And I’m no longer sure if I want to.

Our relationship was complicated from the moment I saw her sitting in the visitor’s section, wearing River fucking Thompson’s jersey, cheering for him when he scored a goal.

How is it possible that it’s become even more convoluted?

We’re supposed to meet up for a tutoring session tonight. It was set up before everything exploded over the weekend. I’ll admit that I considered blowing it off until I was able to get a better grasp on my feelings.

But if I do that, I’m running away from my problems. What I’ve learned over the years from having dyslexia is that nothing good happens when you do that.

In fact, it only makes everything worse.

Uncertainty spirals through me as I strip off the rest of my gear and hop into the shower before getting dressed.

Then I head to Coach’s office to get my ass chewing over with.

Ryder glances at me as I huff out a breath.

“Want me to wait around?”

I shake my head. “Nah, I’ll see you back at the house. I’ve got something to take care of.”

The guy who I’ve always considered my best friend smirks. “Something or someone?”

“Someone.”

As I say it, a sense of rightness settles over me.

He nods. “Good. We just might be able to make that double date happen after all.”

“I hope so.”

I realize I’ve never meant anything more as I straighten my shoulders and rap my knuckles against the frosted glass door.

“Come in.”

I poke my head inside the small space. “You wanted to see me, Coach?”

“Yeah.” He glances up from the paperwork strewn across his desk. “Close the door and take a seat.”