'Even if I was single, I still wouldn't choose you'.
The words were stuck in Spencer's heads like the chants of an angry mob. He stood frozen by her dressing table, staring at the shut door. His chest felt tight, like his heart could just pop out at any second.
'Even if I was single, I still wouldn't choose you'.
That was it. Five years of being in love with her, one-thousand eight-hundred and twenty-five days if actually believing he had a shot with her.
'Even if I was single, I still wouldn't choose you'.
Had he changed? Was that the reason she didn't love him? Or was it the opposite. No. It was that he hadn't changed at all. She clearly said he was acting "just as entitled" as he was in high school. As if he had some claim on her. No, no. She understood him wrong. He had to tell her again. She wasn't getting how much she meant to him.
But as he was leaving the room, he paused after getting a glimpse of himself in the mirror. As a filmmaker, Spencer knew what this part meant. It was like that point in a movie when the main protagonist would see themselves in the mirror and realise how much they had degenerated and/or changed. But Spencer saw something else. He saw the gowns hung behind him and the many bouquets of flowers on the bed and a big teddy bear holding a heart with the words 'I Love You' on it. A ceramic jewellery box overfilled with pendants and rings and congratulatory cards everywhere.
'Let me be happy.'
He finally understood.
She had said it so many times but all he could hear was himself. She was happy with Blake. And she wanted Spencer to accept that. She wanted him to move on. He was too selfish to see how happy and in love she was. He was too caught up in a dream to realise his reality.
Madeline had moved on.
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After arriving home, having spent the two hour car journey thinking, Spencer had come to the realisations that he had to break up with Amelie. He liked her but he had betrayed her too many times and that wasn't the type of person he was. She deserved much better.
But it wasn't an easy decision to come to. He knew he was being selfish but he really liked Amelie. She was his light. And with the newfound closure he got from Madeline maybe he could finally have begun to love Amelie. But it would be too wrong. He had to accept his wrongdoings and try to make amends. It was his own fault. His own selfishness had led him to this moment.
When he entered his door, Spencer was on the brink of tears. Every time he blinked he saw Madeline. He could practically still smell her 'Chanel No. 5'. And her voice. It was ringing in his head. It was agonising.
He dragged himself to his room, ready to collapse onto his bed when he noticed the Amelie-shaped bump under his cover.
His heart pounded. No, no, no. He didn't have the energy or willpower to break up with her now. He couldn't do it. He-
Amelie stirred awake and looked up at Spencer. Her face fell when she saw him crying.
"Kingsley! Oh my god, what's wrong?!"
He sat down at the end of the bed buried his face in his hands, trying to hide his tears. But she had seen him already.
She jumped up and wrapped her arms around him. "Babe? What's wrong? You're worrying me..."
"I...." He tried to speak but he couldn't do it. Oh god. The pain. It was getting worse. He couldn't go through more heartbreak.
Amelie's doe eyes looked worried and she kept  squeezing his hand lovingly. He couldn't lose her. Not after he lost Madeline. He needed Amelie.
"I can't- I...I..."
"Shush, it's okay. Come on. Come lie down."
She didn't know. She didn't know how he betrayed her. She didn't know anything.
"Amelie.... I....." His words were inaudible over his sobs. Why was he crying? As a child his father would tell him to man up whenever he cried. 'Only little girls cry' he would say. But crying was an uncontrollable response. He couldn't stop.
She shushed him with a deep kiss. He felt guilty kissing her back but it felt too good to stop. She unzipped his hoodie for him and helped him take off his t-shirt. Slowly and gently, she pushed him back.
"You need sleep babe," She whispered against his lips. She rested her head on his chest. "It's going to be okay. I'm here for you."
Spencer wondered if she could feel just how hard his heart was pounding.
âââ
When Spencer woke up Amelie was gone. She left him a note explaining she would be back later with French Onion Soup from his favourite French restaurant. Instead of reassuring him, the note just made him even more guilty.
His ringtone went off and he groaned as he stretched his sore body to grab his phone and answer.
"Hello?"
"Spencer. Man, you need to come quick."
"Huh?" He glanced at the caller ID on the screen. "Charlie?"
"Just... come over. Please."
Charlie hung up before Spencer could question him, leaving Spencer both baffled and concerned.
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Spencer rapped on Charlie's door after speeding to his condo. Charlie answered immediately. His cheek was bloody and his hair ruffled up.
"Shit! What happened!"
Charlie sighed and opened the door further, revealing Oliver passed out on the couch. "He punched me. It was an accident but still. He's really high right now and I don't know what to do."
Spencer pushed his brother out of his way and strode to Oliver. He checked his pulse which was strong and rapid. His wet hair was stuck to his forehead from sweat and he looked to be unconscious.
"Fuck, Charlie! What did you give him!?"
"Nothing! I stopped selling to him like I promised! Whatever he took it wasn't from me."
"What do we do?"
"I-I don't know. Before he passed out he said he can't go to the hospital. He'll be disowned if he does."
Spencer ran his hands through his hair. "This isn't exactly my area of expertise, man!"
"Okay, fuck this. I'm going to the drug store. Don't they use activated charcoal in the movies? I'm sure that will work."
"Charlie-"
"Please stay here. Make sure he doesn't die."
Spencer cursed and turned around. Oliver's eyes were slowly opening just as Charlie left.
"Oliver. Oh god, are you okay?"
"Nora..." He murmured. "She'll make me better. She'll fix me."
"Oliver. Listen to me. We have to get you to a hospital."
"No!" He exclaimed suddenly before closing his eyes again. He looked like a ghost. "No. I can't. Just call Nora. Tell her to come."
Spencer pulled out his phone but he hesitated to call her. Oliver was such a bad fit for her and she was getting stronger the longer she stayed away from him. He didn't want to rope her back in. But he knew what heartbreak felt like. And he knee the only thing that could help Oliver was Nora. He had to call her. He pressed the phone symbol and waited for her to pick up.
"Hello?" She answered.
He sighed before speaking. "Hey, Nora..."
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Nora hung up on him after he revealed why he was calling. And Spencer didn't blame her. The girl was finally free. She didn't want to be chained to a bull again.
Thankfully, however, Oliver was beginning to stir in and out of consciousness and his sentences were becoming longer and more intelligent. Staring at his friend, Spencer felt relief and anger. Oliver couldn't keep treating his body like this. The boy thought his money made him invincible when the opposite was true. It was bringing him closer to oblivion. And the scary part was that he didn't care.
Charlie returned with multiple plastic bags from the drugstore. After more than an hour of waiting around, Spencer decided to let Charlie take it from there because he couldn't watch Oliver anymore. It was too draining.
"Charlie?" He said as he was leaving.
Charlie turned around. "Yeah?"
"I... I know I said you were destroying Oliver's life. But, it's clear now that you're helping him. I've been too selfishly caught up in my drama to see it but you're saving him. So... thank you."
Charlie took a moment to process what Spencer was saying before nodding. "Oh. Yeah. Of course. He's my friend too."
Spencer half-smiled before leaving and making his way home. As promised in Amelie's note, Spencer found a bowl of French onion soup waiting for him when he got home.
"Hey Kingsley," Amelie said, popping up from behind his fridge door. "I got you soup. Hope you don't mind but I had mine already. I was too hungry."
Come on, Spencer. All you have to say is 'I think we should break up'. Be honest Spencer. You've never been good with lies.
Amelie planted a kiss on his cheek before hugging him tightly. "I hope you've been feeling better since yesterday."
"I..."
Amelie waited for him to finish his sentence but nothing came out. He wanted to be with her so bad. If he told her the truth she would dump him. But, now that there was no Madeline-shaped wall between them anymore their relationship could finally prosper. He could get over her and focus on Amelie who was actually good to him. He just had to swallow the guilt. He did it before so he could do it again. All he had to do was remain calm and collected. No drastic moves. Calm and collected. No illogical decisions. Calm and-
"I think we should move in together."
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A/N
Guyssss. Please listen to "Black" by Dave. It's so moving.
Also, shoutout to @spoivy for this wonderfully profound and accurate comment. Leave your opinions. Do you agree/diagree?
Love,
-hexed